Tag: blog

Wedding Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Wedding Saturday

I went to my neighbors wedding this afternoon. It was good though I really didn’t hear the ceremony too well. You really had to concentrate to listen. No mic was used as it was such a small gathering. The party that ensued went well. Music gave me a headache. It was really loud. Before they started to play the dance music, it was awful. It was music I never heard of before but I am sure had some meaning to the couple. I didn’t dance because by the time dinner was finished, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. The sock on my leg was cutting into me because of swelling and now, even though I have the sock off, I am still feeling the pressure. My leg swells if left down for more than a couple of hours. This is why it makes it hard watching baseball games from 1st to 9th innings.

I had a good time. It was a break in the routine but by the time five o’clock rolled around, I was ready to go home and call it a night. But the DJ kept playing songs and people kept dancing. It was that kind of party. Even after they played the last song of the night an hour later, the DJ kept playing music. It was funny.

If I wasn’t in so much pain, I would watch the OSU game. My Huskers won. I was worried as they were leading in the first half and usually have problems in the second. But they won the game 48-25.

I got the best news today. Jobes is now on Twitter. I don’t know if he is managing the account or one of his students, but his lab is on Twitter! I am so glad he finally joined. I sent him a welcome tweet.

I have been thinking about my therapist. It amazes me that she will sign up for other psych areas for her CEUs and such but won’t take a suicide seminar or even train for CAMS. CAMS is just four hours and I am sure they don’t have you do it in one session. But then the seminars during workshops are like eight hours. It’s intense but you get the gist of the material. Those are made for CEUs and training. I learned a lot from working with the workshops. But I can’t imagine it’s different than learning about stuff about PTSD or any other psych disorder. I just think it might help her out in treating me but she doesn’t want to go there with a ten inch pole. She was more receptive to the psychache scale than the SSF. I can bring the horse to water but I can’t make him drink. That is what I feel this therapy is all about, on both sides. We both take what we want from the other. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to start over. I just want her to be a therapist to me again rather than someone that talks all the time. I don’t think that is too much to ask.

I have no idea what the outcome of the Jays/Royals game was. Last I heard they were tied. I am only rooting for the Jays because the Royals out voted X for the All Star Game. For the National League, I am rooting for the Mets because fuck Maddon and Theo. If they weren’t in charge, I would be rooting for the Cubbies. They deserve a WS win. It’s been more than 100 years since they won a championship game. But I just can’t root for a team with Maddon. I hate the fucker. He cheats somehow and is very sneaky. I have no proof of this but my gut tells me this so I believe it.

Random 987

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 987

I woke up really early this morning, like 0330 early. I was in a lot of pain with my ankle. It hurt so much that I couldn’t move my leg to sit up to take some pain meds. Then when I finally did situate myself, I was awake. I stayed up for about until the meds made me sleepy and I got some relief from the pain. I should have plugged my phone in as I didn’t before going to sleep but I forgot. I woke up around 1030 and my phone was at like 25%. I was so mad at myself for not charging it. I decided to wait till around 1400 for it to charge and then go out. I had some errands to run that involved taking a lot of buses. Even though it charged for a few hours, I only got to about 80% when I left the house. I don’t know if it’s the charger or the battery that is the problem. I have to take it to the Sprint store to find out. I hope it’s not the battery as I would have to take the otter box case off and that is a bitch to take on and off. It really protects your phone so you can’t have access to it! HA!

I went to Starbucks and tried a new drink today, a toasted graham latte. It was sweet and didn’t taste like a graham cracker. I won’t be buying it again. I tried writing in my journal and got a page written when I had to catch the bus to do my errand. The bus ride went ok both ways and I didn’t have to wait till 1630 for the bus home, which was even better. My mother called while I was getting on the bus home. She reminded for the fifth fucking time to get a card for the wedding tomorrow. I was planning on getting it anyways as I needed to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. Luckily they still had some cheap cards as I refused to pay more than $2 for a card. It’s just a waste of money and the card ends up in the trash anyway. It’s not like it is going to get used again. I hate buying cards for this reason.

While I was waiting for my phone to charge, I took a shower. My back almost went out on me and I seriously was wiped out afterwards. I needed a nap. Just as I was about to go into a deep sleep, my phone text messages decided to go berserk. I must have gotten 5 or 6 messages in the span of 10 minutes, on right after the other. It pissed me off so I woke up. Good thing to because I had to go catch the bus to the Square. I should have had something to eat at Starbucks but I wasn’t hungry and I still am not hungry. I have no appetite today at all. I finished a bag of combos, which had like 5 or 6 pretzels left and that was my breakfast and lunch. I might make a chicken sandwich later. My mother made chicken cutlets last night and there are a few left over.

I’m still feeling depressed about the therapist situation. Maybe when I talk with her next week I can convince her to stop for a while and then when I want to go back, I will call her. Can’t hurt at this point. I won’t say it will be a forever kind of thing, just a couple of weeks of not seeing one another might break this tension I created. Maybe my pdoc can salvage the relationship. I don’t know at this point because I just feel like giving up all together. I really don’t care. I know I am not going to find someone else. A friend of mine that lives south of Boston thinks that people are “opening up” to suicide more these days than in the past. If they are, they might be in her area, not mine. I always get the “you should be seen by someone that has hospital connections and I am not that person”. I know I have severe mental illness and it’s not going away anytime soon. I am kind of shocked that with this stress, I haven’t become delusional or psychotic, yet. Because I was dead tired last night, I took my night meds early. It woke me up and I couldn’t go to sleep until later that night. I have decided I am going to take some of my night meds in the morning. I figure if I do that, I can probably get more done during the day, if it works out. It’s weird that the meds after all this time are making me hyper and unable to sleep.

I need to have my AC out soon as the weather is getting cooler. I don’t think we will be having the Indian summer like I thought. I just got to move some stuff around my room so my brother in law can get to the window. It’s the same stuff I always move around.

Quote of the Day 16 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders

For one thing, it means that our best route to understanding suicide is not through the study of the structure of the brain, nor the study of social statistics, nor the study of mental diseases, but directly through the study of human emotions described in plain English,  in the words of the suicidal person. Edwin Shneidman The Suicidal Mind

Really Spent

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Really spent

I am running out of spoons faster than a kid’s birthday party. I went to my father’s today and had to pick up his prescription, again, because he forgot. That meant extra walking for me and I am still sore from all that I did yesterday. It felt like ages to walk the three blocks from Stop and Shop to his apartment complex. I got there and did what I needed to do but didn’t leave shortly thereafter because the lab was coming by to draw his blood and I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to fight the phlebotomist. I guess the last time they drew his blood the lady drew extra tubes and tossed them. He got mad because he “needed his blood”. Luckily, his levels were ok this week. After the lady drew his blood, my sister came and got us. We went out for lunch because I knew he wasn’t going to eat. So we went to a pizza place. By the time we got there, I was so tired. I could barely keep my eyes open. Luckily my sister had to go home for something so I was able to get a ride. I think I would have fallen asleep on the train and goodbye Jack. I would have missed my stop.

I emailed my psychiatrist about my therapist situation. Now my psych wants to talk to my therapist. I told her it is my fault as I am done with therapy and told my therapist I was done with her. I just didn’t think she would take it seriously. I have tried to fire her several times in the past and failed. Why this is different, I am not sure. Maybe she is tired of me and my suicidality. She has said that she isn’t but her pushing me to see another therapist makes me wonder. I also told my psych that the phone just isn’t working for us anymore. I don’t know if she will call her or not. But then, I have never known my psych to say something that she doesn’t follow through on. I just know I am going to get the blame for all this as it was my anger that prompted all this. Thing is, I really don’t care what happens in therapy. I am so tired of the treatment itself, not necessarily of my therapist, just of talking to someone week after week after week. It’s old. I am bored with it. And I am not really finding it helpful. I am not saying that ANYONE should stop their treatment based on what I am saying because therapy has been helpful to me over the years. It has kept me alive when I really struggled with death. I am as my therapist has said, burnt out, in more ways than one.

My therapist has suggested that I find someone possibly DBT structured. I would try and find a CBT therapist that offers brief sessions. I don’t want to do the whole CBT or DBT program. I just don’t believe in it. I am more psychodynamically oriented. There is a place that is west of Boston that I can try and find a psychodynamic therapist but because I am on medicare now, I don’t think they will pay or see me. And I know my co-insurance will most likely be out of network so there is that, too. I don’t need a referral for seeing someone. I might call my insurance when I feel like really talking to someone again. Right now, I have no inclination to do so. Only person I will talk to will be my psychiatrist.

I want to say to my readers and those that have commented on my blog recently, thank you. It means a lot to have positive feedback that is empathic and understanding. I was seriously considering ending this blog because of the troll but you have showed me there is a purpose to this blog and that I do help people, even though I don’t always get feedback on every blog that I post. But my stats help show me that people look to my blog for whatever reason, especially those suffering from Cauda Equina Syndrome. There may not be a ton of people with it but there are a few.