Tag: blog

Random 934

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Yesterday afternoon, I took a heavy dose of gabapentin. I wanted to sleep so that I didn’t feel anything. Only thing is, it backfired. I woke up around 0200 and then around 0630. Usually, I am able to sleep all night but some reason, I had these sleeping stints. It was very disappointing and now I have a hang over that is not very nice. I need coffee badly. I will make some soon, probably after this blog.

I still feel shitty. I still want to die. I’d welcome a bus hitting me right now and killing me. Or a Mack truck. I just feel so empty and alone. Even though I live with my family members, I still feel like I am an outsider. I don’t really feel close to them. Sometimes I do, but for the most part, I don’t. I awoke again with ankle pain. I guess it is physical because the gaba would have taken care of the nerve pain. I fucking hate being in pain every single fucking day. I can’t get relief. And add in the heartache of depression, you got some serious pain going on.

While I was on Twitter, they have told me that the drug Ketamine can help with suicidal thoughts but it is short acting. They also say that it helps with depression. I don’t know if it has been approved but if it is, I am going to ask my pdoc about it when I see her next. I can’t go on like this. The psychache is too profound. I know part of it has to do with my therapist situation. Hopefully that will get cleared up when I talk with her next, provided her damn phone works. I know it is frustrating for her, but it’s also frustrating for me because I don’t get to talk to her. Lately we just have been texting each other. We are adults, not kids. Soon as I find out how much my laptop is going to be fixed, I am going to apply for Zipcar. I hope that after three years of not really driving puts my record in good shape. I was denied before because I got a speeding ticket and was in an accident (not my fault) with my car. It was two separate occasions and months apart. The speeding ticket was my fault because I was in the state police area and knew they watched the speed limits. I was dumb and should have slowed down. I still kick myself for getting the ticket.

If I get the Zipcar, I will be able to drive more frequently, as long as I have money in my account. Then I will be able to see my therapist in person so I can smack her silly with pillows. Monday can’t come soon enough. I really want to get my laptop fixed. That is the priority right now more than the Zipcar. I just hope it doesn’t cost me more than what they posted. It will kill me if my entire check is used to fix my laptop.

Today the OSU game is on ABC so I will be able to watch it if I am out of this hangover. Probably going to need more than one cup of coffee today.

hurting big time today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Hurting big time today

I went to my father’s like I do every week. This week was different as he wanted me to go to the card store to get some cards as next month is birthday month. There are several birthdays between my sister, my aunt, cousins, and friends. I am going to be broke. I should have bought some cards myself but of course, didn’t think about that till now. I will have to find my way the next time I go to Walgreens. On my way to the card store, I tripped over the stupid sidewalk. The city my father lives is not known for level sidewalks and I kept on trying to look out for this stupid store that had cards for 99 cents. Fucking A. My ankle is really hurting me now and I am not happy about it. Mostly because my father didn’t even thank me for going for him. He is such a bastard.

I was hoping to wake up early so I could make pancakes but that didn’t happen. I really just wanted to stay in bed and screw my father but he would have been really pissed off. One of his meds I have to fill probably Monday so he doesn’t run out. I am so tired of going over there. Least I don’t have any where to go to tomorrow. I can rest my hurt ankle that I really hurt. Least I didn’t fall. That would have been worse.

I still didn’t get this check I am supposed to have. I probably won’t get it until next month. I really want to get my sister’s something for their birthdays but I don’t have any extra cash. This check would be awesome because I could take them out for dinner or something. I don’t know. Just throwing ideas out there. They always give me a lot of presents for my birthday and Christmas and I never seem to be able to give them anything. It hurts me. It just reminds me how fucking broke I really am. You would think after three years I would be used to it. I am used to it till birthdays come flying around. It sucks.

I got no appetite again today. All I had for breakfast was a yogurt and for lunch a granola bar with some vitamin water. I would really have loved pancakes but maybe I can make them tomorrow. Last night I promised myself I would read Harry Potter. Another promise broken. I fell asleep and that was it. I am never going to finish this book. I am having a hard time reading it and I don’t know why this book is different than the other Harry Potter books, except I despise Umbridge. It’s not one of my favorite books I guess.

I am in the type of depression where I just want to take my pain meds or some other med that causes drowsiness and just sleep. I just don’t care. I don’t mean to take the meds more than what I take, but just enough to get me to sleep. And waking up now between 3 and 4 in the morning is really pissing me off. I go back to sleep and I don’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Today was the biggest struggle. I just really didn’t plan on going to the fucking card store for my father. Extra spoons wasted. What am I talking about??!! I got no spoons!! I really just want to be fucking dead. And I am trying hard not to come up with a reason why I shouldn’t go ahead and kill myself. Yesterday, there was a jumper on the train tracks. People kill themselves every day. Why can’t I be one of them??

Weird Therapy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Weird therapy day

I am not having a good day. I woke up in the early morning hours in pain and then woke up an hour after I fell asleep. I just can’t get this pain under control. My mother decided to call me when I was just waking up and I didn’t want to talk to her so let it go to voicemail. I waited a little bit before going downstairs as I wasn’t completely woken up. When I did see her, she berated me for not answering the phone, like it was some emergency. She wanted me to let the gas man in the house to fix the meters. No can do as I have my therapy appointment. She wanted to go shopping. Tough shit.

I tried to have therapy today but my therapist’s phone just wasn’t cooperating. So we had the session via text message as that seemed to be the only thing her phone could do. So half the session was via talk and the rest via text. Interesting. We didn’t get much accomplished as you can imagine, though my therapist is a fast typer, faster than me. She still wants me to try and find someone face to face. I gave her the number for the center I found in my area that might be able to help me. I am not calling. I can’t stand the thought of being turned down or told to be put on a waiting list for months.

I told my therapist I was depressed. I am not eating, I don’t care about anything, and I have no energy. I am just so tired. And trying to find a new therapist in the mix of this is just dragging me down. I see my pdoc tomorrow and she wants me to tell her what I am feeling. I don’t know why I should bother. It’s not like she is going to help. I am getting a headache just thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, ever. I have to get up early tomorrow (which shouldn’t be a problem as I am up anyways) to get to this appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I will just be wasting her time, like I am wasting my therapist’s time. I don’t know how they can stand me.

I told my therapist about Jack and Hyde and unfortunately, the phone cut out so I have no idea what she was saying. It was a very stressful session. I think she is going to get a new phone, least I hope she does. I understand why she doesn’t want to get a new phone but this has got to be a reason for getting a new one. I had to get a new phone because my phone was just not working anymore. And if the phone just doesn’t work anymore, what the hell is the point of using the device??

I am in a lot of pain today. The weather warmed up by twenty degrees. I am aching all over. But because I haven’t eaten anything substantial, I can’t take my NSAID pill. I have to have a full meal, not a small bag of popcorn. I just don’t want to make anything. I doubt I could because the gas people are working on the meters so I don’t think I can use the stove. I am so depressed, I don’t care. I just took some pain meds and an Ativan to get back to sleep. If my mother needs help with the damn groceries, I am going to be in dreamland. I just hope I don’t wake up, though I probably will. I didn’t take more than what is prescribed to me. Though I do feel like it. I really can’t because I don’t want to lose the trust of my doctors. That means a lot to me. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to say to my pdoc tomorrow. I know she will want some more information about my therapist and I just hope I don’t break down and cry. That is my biggest fear.

Other than writing this blog, I don’t have anything else I need to do today. I still need to find a quote for tomorrow’s “Quote of the Day”. It’s getting harder to find because the book is almost finished. I might have to start looking into his other books. I am finding it fun to have this type of blog. Once I have exhausted Dr. Shneidman’s works, I suppose I could go to Kay Redfield Jamison. She has a lot of quotes.

Depressing Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressing Monday

I have been feeling pretty down all day. I woke up early, before 0630. I took some meds and then made breakfast. I went back to sleep because the meds made me sleepy. When I woke up a few hours later, I got some energy to go to Starbucks with the hope of working on the short story that I wrote a few weeks ago. No such luck. It was a story about how my therapist and pdoc are the roots of my tree. Now that my therapist and I are having problems and might separate, I no longer have an interest in writing about it. I have thought about writing about the difficulties of keeping the roots together and how they can irritate me, but like I said, I am finding it hard to concentrate on it. I just look at the blank page and nothing comes to mind. I think I need to print out the copy of the story so I can work on the beginning of it before I get to the difficulties part.

I sprayed my room with Renuzit before I left for Starbucks and I think I am allergic to the scent. I haven’t stopped sneezing since coming in my room. Oi. I have used the spray before so I don’t know why I am sneezing like a lunatic right now. It is cold so I don’t have the ceiling fan running. That’s probably why the scent is bothering me so much.

Last night, I was being triggered by my foot/ankle pain. I was having intrusive memories of my surgeries and being in the hospital recovering from them. It gave me such anxiety that I had to take two Ativan to calm down. Then Hyde and Jack (my mean alter) wanted me dead. I texted my therapist asking if there was an opening in her schedule to let me know. She texted me back saying she didn’t have an opening and I don’t think she will be calling to check in with me either. Hyde usually comes out when I am depressed and in pain. But Jack coming out is unusual. He is one that is attached to my therapist and my anger for her. I can’t explain it more than that. The anger piece goes deeper than my therapist. I don’t express my anger very well and I think Jack is the holder of it. He came out during a letter I wrote to my therapist earlier this year and it shocked me. I thought I only had Hyde to contend with. My pdoc wanted to call him Jekyll but I nor he liked it much. So we settled on Jack.

I usually don’t get triggered with PTSD when I am in pain, unless it is severe. I think I am more vulnerable this month because it is an anniversary month. And it was more than my foot/ankle that was hurting. My leg felt like it had a tourniquet on it and that is always a trigger for me. I tried distraction and ignoring the pain, but I was still very anxious and nervous. Then the memories started and I just wanted to die. Hyde and Jack came out and I knew I was in trouble. I really think I should be dead. I don’t want to work on anything in therapy, nor do I care if my therapist drops me at this point. I really don’t care about anything. I feel wicked empty, like I have no organs or anything inside of me. My reality testing proves this wrong when I breathe. It’s such an odd sensation. I haven’t felt empty in a very long time. I guess that is part of this depressive episode I am going through. I am also tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get. Lately I have been getting around 5 hours straight and then a few hours in the morning between 8 and 11. It’s rare for me to sleep later than 7. Even if I go to bed at 3 I am up around 0630.

Been listening to Luke Bryan all day. There is just something about his music that somewhat puts me in a better mood. Unfortunately, it’s not happening today. Nothing seems to break through this dark cloud that is following me. I wanted to get my AC out of the window tonight but I can’t even bring myself to text my brother in law to ask him. I just feel like I am asking too much or that I will be bothering him. I can’t stand this state that I am in. I know that he will take it out for me. I just have to move two things to give him access to the window but I can’t bring myself to get the energy to do so. The temp is going to drop tonight and it’s already cold in my room. I know it’s cold because in addition to my comforter on my bed, I have my fleece throw blanket on. And I am not hot. I am just so depressed, I can’t get motivated to do the things I need to do. I certainly can’t take the AC out by myself. I might drop it or it might fall out of the window. I am not good at that stuff plus I can’t lift anything heavy any way because of my back issues. It will get out this week. I just don’t know when.