Tag: blog

A Long Day of Waiting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long Day of Waiting

I woke up after 0700, which was good. By 0800, I was getting really hungry as I had not eaten anything in more than 16 hours. I was tempted to make pancakes, but that would mean talking with my mother and I wasn’t in the mood for talking. So I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast. It was way early to start my day but I figured after I ate, I could maybe write something. So much for being hopeful. Despite carrying around my notepad that has the new story in it, I haven’t touched it once since putting it in my bag. I don’t know what the mental block is to even looking at the story and possibly adding to it. I think I need a print out of it to work on it. Going through sheets of yellow paper might not be helpful to me. I did write a lot in my journal as I was passing time. By 1000, I wanted to go home and sleep, but I had my appointment to go to and needed to leave Starbucks at noon. If I went home, I would only be home for a short time before having to turn back.

I went to my appointment, which was a waste of fucking time. I waited a half hour to be seen and she saw me for about 5 minutes, handed my script to me, and said see ya later. I was so annoyed. I think when my PCP tells me to have the call in for the script option, I am going to take it rather than waste my time with the nurse practitioner. I could be doing other things than wasting my time for this idiot. My ankle is killing me and I didn’t even do that much today. I didn’t stand too long or walk too far. Oi it drives me nuts. I hate being in pain during the day because it just sucks, especially when I have to go out. I had a hard time walking home because it was being a jerk.

I called Dell and gave them the information they needed to repair my laptop. They will be sending me the box in a few days time and then I ship it back to them. Of course, while I was making the phone call, I had two missed calls. Why must everyone decide to call me when I am using the phone?? One of the calls was my mother, the other unknown. I just don’t get it. My sister is home this week so I hope she can give me a ride to the FedEx stop where I need to bring it. I would take her truck but I can’t drive it because it is too big. Even my brother in law has trouble driving it. What made her get such a huge fucking vehicle, I will never know.

As the laptop is my priority in terms of where my money goes this month, I have to put off the application to Zipcar for another month. This sucks because I wanted to start it this month as it takes a few weeks to process. If I am approved, it won’t be until mid-December. I might have wheels for my birthday to see my therapist, if we are still seeing each other then. I am really nervous about our appointment tomorrow. She hasn’t answered my text if her phone is fine and she hasn’t read my blog, yet. It could be that she is busy and hasn’t had a chance to respond. Mondays I know are hectic. I am hoping that the appointment goes well and things are back to our normal.

I got the songs I was missing from Blake Shelton’s #1 hits collection. They are not my favorite songs, so far, but at least the collection is complete. And it cost me only $3 compared to paying $12 for the entire album. I am happy about this. I don’t know why. I was listening to the playlist I made until I had to listen to some Pearl Jam. I was getting annoyed waiting around, and when I get annoyed, it’s good to listen to Pearl Jam. I listened to almost 6 hours of music on my Bluetooth headset. I was really afraid it was going to lose battery before I got home. I hate being on the bus and not listening to music. I had a spare set of headphones in my backpack, just in case, but I really like the wireless set.

I hope that I sleep well again tonight and don’t wake up before 0600. I really don’t need a long day. I hate waking up so early. I usually am able to grab a nap but I have therapy tomorrow and usually the nap makes me groggy and more tired. I am not sure if I will be going out tomorrow. I might stay in. Depends on how my night goes. I do need to get half and half as I am running low. I should have enough for groceries this month. I need to wait till Wed though. I hate waiting.

sleep deprived

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, college football, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

Sleep deprived

I didn’t get to sleep till 0600 this morning. I was babysitting last night and my sister came home after midnight. I was wound up so decided to read some Harry Potter. Big mistake. Next thing I knew it was 0300 and I caught my second wind. After I fell asleep, I only slept about two hours. I took some meds and tried to go back to sleep. Now I am cold and feeling lousy.

I watched half the football game today. Pats won 30-23. I wasn’t worried, even though the first half was a friggen nail biter.

While I was up, I wrote an email to my pdoc telling her how depressed I am. I just can’t seem to get on top of this depression year after year, month after month, day after day. I just don’t know what my life is worth living for. My therapist is no help in that department. All she keeps saying is that I “matter”. Matter to whom? It’s so frustrating. I got into an argument with the voices last night. Must have been around 0400 or so. They wanted me to take some Ativan but I had already taken some. I didn’t take all my meds last night, just the “important” ones, like my hormone pill. I feel really drained. And I know it’s because of the sleep deprivation. I don’t even know what day it is, though I think it’s Sunday, still. It’s just been a long ass day. I hope I sleep tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow that I have to keep. I also need to get my haircut at some point, either tomorrow or this week. If I wake up early enough, I can call Dell and have them figure out what payment is needed to fix my laptop. I am going to back up everything the day before I send it out. Everything else is backup, like my pics and stuff. Only thing that will need backing up is my word doc files.

I have been listening to “Just over” since I downloaded Luke Bryan’s Kill the Lights CD. It’s just an awesome beat and it keeps running through my head. Last night, I didn’t want to play my playlist because I feared music would “excite” me further while I was trying to sleep so I just kept playing this song on YouTube. That way when the music stopped, I could hopefully go to sleep. It didn’t work that way as I had to play it several times and each time it got me thinking about my therapist and how I think it really is over between us. I also wrote my therapist a letter some time during the night. I really wanted to write another blog but my babysitting duties interfered with that. I was kind of worried about my sister as she texted me around 10 and didn’t come home till after midnight. She said she was on her way home. She didn’t say she stopped to get food. That kind of annoyed me.

I had my phone set to “do not disturb” before I went to sleep at 6. I love this feature. You can have calls go through only if they are “favorites” or choose not to. I chose not to because I knew my mother would be calling while I slept and I was right. There were two missed calls when I got up after resting from the football game. Also, while babysitting, I watched, in entirety, the OSU game. Complete blowout. They kicked Rutgers ass and by the 3rd quarter, the Rutgers fans had left. It was awesome! OSU won 49-7. Rutgers finally scored the last two minutes in the 4th quarter. It was the only chance they had to avoid a shut out.

I think tomorrow is going to be a donut day. If I can get to a Dunkin, I will get my jelly donut I have been craving for the last few weeks. There is a Dunks down the street from me but it’s past my walking distance and they closed the one in the Square because the building was unstable. In another Square they opened up a donut shop that I think is vegan. I have had vegan donuts and before and they are pretty awesome. I’ll just have to finagle how to get my donuts.

Quote of the Day 25-Oct-2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Quotes, suicide

There are two basic, albeit contradictory, truths about suicide: A) Suicide should never be committed when one is depressed (or disturbed or constricted); and B) almost every suicide committed for reasons that make sense to the person who does it.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Saturday Blog 35

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 35

Blake Shelton came out with his number one hits collection. Rather than buy it, I just thought I would make a playlist. Turns out I have all of the songs except two. So Monday when I get paid, I will get them. I figure I have the songs anyway, why buy the same ones? I am surprised that “Don’t make me” wasn’t a number one hit.

I finally made the bibliography list for the pile of research articles I have. I have them in alphabetical order. The hardest part was creating the actual reference in EndNote. Some of the authors that were the same weren’t recognized so were created as new. It annoyed me. Took me a couple of hours to put together but it’s done. Now I have three more folders to do.

A Twitter friend said that she read two books today. That made me feel bad because I haven’t been reading “Order of the Phoenix” at all the past few days. I read a couple of chapters today, so I will call that a success. I hope to finish or be close to finishing the book tonight. The writing is powerful and gives me anxiety so I have to take breaks from it. Next book I am reading is on the Lusitania. It’s a fairly mid-sized book so it’s going to take me a while to read it. I know I have all this time in the world to read, but I just don’t have the concentration ability to actually do it. Today I am kind of forcing myself to read as I listen to Blake Shelton, when I really want to watch the Nebraska game and just zone out. But watching TV makes me sleepy afterwards and I want to save my energy for the OSU game at 2000. I found out today that baseball won’t resume until Tuesday. If there is a game 7, it will be in November! I don’t know how the MLB can draw out the post season like this. I don’t ever recall post season games going past Halloween. They are usually done by then. I guess the one day play off games really messed with the schedule.

I’m still feeling really depressed. I am tempted to email my pdoc to tell her I am sinking. Then I think, what good will that do? She can’t do nothing about my mood. There is no magic pill she can give me to stop the psychological pain that I am feeling. I am thinking about restarting Zoloft but I am not sure I can with the fricken nausea it gives me. I might be fine for a month or two, but then I always get the dry heaves and sometimes I vomit. Not good. And it always happens when the medication peaks so I didn’t always put two and two together. Before I did, I seriously thought there was something wrong with my stomach acid pill or my stomach. Then when I stopped the Zoloft, everything went back to normal. I wasn’t nauseous anymore. Other than telling her maybe a low dose of Zoloft might help, I don’t think she will be helpful for me. I have to email her next week to let her know how my appointment with my therapist goes. Maybe then I will ask about the Zoloft. Even if it’s a placebo effect I am looking for, so be it. It’s better than being without an antidepressant.