Tag: blog

writing continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Continues

I woke up around 0630 and got to work right away. I worked on my story that I wrote up the other night. I finally typed it up and added to it as I did so. It felt good to be productive before having breakfast and coffee. I had my breakfast but I didn’t have cream so I walked up the street to get it. I was completely exhausted by the time I came back home. Mind you, I wasn’t gone for more than twenty minutes. I am glad I opted for going to going out rather than showering. My ankle is having a fit and a half for walking and going up and down stairs. I almost took a tumble yesterday and in balancing myself, I had to put my weight on my bad ankle. It hasn’t been the same since. But it’s not terribly swollen. It just hurts more.

I worked on my paper. It’s a little more than 500 words but there is plenty of room to work on it. I sent it to my psychiatrist but haven’t heard feedback on it. I am glad to work on something. After I typed it up, I just let it sit for a bit. Because it isn’t finished, I didn’t blog it. I am going to print it out and see how it looks and maybe go over it tomorrow after therapy. Course, it all depends on how my ankle is doing.

I have to go to the mall sometime this week to get some clothes for a wedding I will be attending in two weeks. None of my dress clothes fit me anymore because of the damn weight I have gained. I am going to try looking online first before actually going to the mall. I might have better luck finding my waist and a 29 length. Course if my ankle doesn’t calm the fuck down, there won’t be a wedding to go to.

I am so pissed right now. My fucking cousin called me because my mother had grocery bags. I told him I was busy and he just played it off. That is what pissed me off more than anything, like my writing is just playing. Sorry buddy, but it is my vocation, you jerk. I go down the second flight of stairs and my ankle acts up. I can’t put any weight on it. Fuck. I shouldn’t have answered the damn phone. Then my mother gets out of the car and is in fucking pain. She won’t get out of the way so my cousin can get the stupid bags he refuses to bring up the one flight of stairs. He doesn’t have any physical problems. He just is a lazy fucking bastard. My mother tells me she bought me yogurt. It’s the light and fit kind, which I do not like. So she just wasted her money. Three fucking bags the asshole couldn’t bring up the stairs. I am livid. He does this all the time. He knows I am on disability because of my ankle. Does he fucking care? No. He only cares if I have a few extra bucks in my pocket. Asshole. He really is. Next time I am not answering the damn phone. Fuck them. Now I have to take extra pain meds because I really am hurting. No way I will be able to take a shower tonight. Thank you fucking cousin for the extra pain you brought me.

My therapist hasn’t answered my text and it’s getting late so I doubt there will be a session today. I don’t fucking care anymore. I am too pissed to talk anyway. I might have to take an Ativan to calm down. My neck is killing me from the stress of being so angry and not having anyone to yell at. I think I need a nap. My mother is probably going to call soon as I get to the point of sleeping to see what I want for dinner. So screw that. Hope she doesn’t want me to make dinner because that is so not happening. I can barely fucking stand. I hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom because that will suck having to go back downstairs. I am not hungry anyways. If I get hungry later, I will try and make the French bread pizza. I haven’t had lunch but I am still full from my late breakfast and the coffee killed my appetite.

I hope my ankle is better by tomorrow. I need to get out of the fucking house and seriously focus on my writing. It fucking sucks that I get no support from my family, just my psychiatrist and therapist. How sad is that? Sure, my sisters are supportive. They never interrupt me while I am writing but then, they usually don’t call while I am as they work during the week.

Push 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Push

I have been in a Matchbox 20 mood for the past hour and this song keeps hitting every time it comes on. The lyrics just speak to me. I can’t describe it.

I was skimming the SPSM chat tonight. One of the tweeters tweeted an article that was for ESPN about a 19 year old that died by suicide and actually wrote how she died. I found the image disturbing and the article was a little glorifying the person’s death, which is why she had a problem with it. I couldn’t finish reading the article. After they said how she died and was struggling with college, I lost interest in what the rest of the article was about. All I could think about was my niece who is 19 and I am wondering if she is struggling with depression, too. She is at an expensive college and I wonder if that pressure is getting to her because she wants to live on her own. We have never talked about my illness but she knows that I struggle with depression and suicide as she has read my NY Times article. Least I think she knows. She is my protective factor. I am still around because I know my loss would devastate her.

Been looking at the new story that I wrote the other night. I don’t know if I should write more or type it up so I can see what it looks like. I know there is some repetition in it, so that has to come out. My fear is that I will type it up, it will be short, and I can’t continue to write. It will stop where ever it ended and that is it. The longer it sits on my bed, the longer it is hanging over my head. I was in a writing mood earlier but decided to check Twitter and got lost there. Damn you, Twitter!

When I placed my last grocery order, I ordered Red Baron’s deep dish pizza. I got Stouffer’s French bread instead. It’s comparable, but not the same. But I got a nice credit on my order so I was happy with that. If I had known I got Stouffer’s I would have given it back to the delivery guy, but he had already left. Pizza is my favorite food so I am not too disappointed. French bread is pretty good. I really would love to have Pizzeria Uno’s deep dish pizza. That I haven’t had in ages. I don’t even know where one is anymore. I know they sell it in the frozen food isle but mostly it’s pepperoni and I just want cheese. I am not one for toppings on my pizza. Plain old cheese is perfect. I will occasionally get pepperoni but it’s rare. If I order from Domino’s, it will be Hawaiian pizza on a cracker. That is my favorite. I haven’t had that pizza in a long time. I will get a Molten cake when I order it. It’s super yummy.

I texted my therapist to see if there was a way to see her tomorrow. Mondays are not her good days. But I am always hopeful she will have a cancellation. I wrote her a letter last night before I went to bed. I have no idea what I wrote. It was two pages long. I am debating making it a blog so she can read it or sending it to her via snail mail. I will have to get stamps as all I have are Harvey Milk ones and I am down to my last few. If I don’t talk with her tomorrow, I will have to wait till Tuesday. That will suck because I feel like talking with her about this weekend.

Two Things I Hate about Twitter

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two things I hate most about Twitter

I was following this guy on Twitter for a little while. He seemed interested in the suicide prevention arena. But then his tweets became abusive and very sarcastic to the point of being troll like, so I unfollowed him. Then this other troll, who is supposedly a psychologist, follows this guy. Now they are arguing what constitutes a suicide attempt, just for argumentative sake! The PhD troll was really against my article for the NYT, but I disliked him before I wrote the article. He just seems fishy to me. There is nothing worse that I can’t stand on Twitter is a troll attacking another troll.

I had a really good sleep today. For some reason, I didn’t get up till 1515. I felt like I could stay in bed all day but I really wanted to watch the last game of the season and basically cry as we said good-bye to Don Orsillo, the broadcaster for the TV. He got fired sometime after some new management for the Sox was hired. Don is now going to the Padres which means we won’t be seeing him at all as he is for the National League. I haven’t checked the sox game schedule to see if we are playing them in 2016 but it is unlikely. I am also saddened to hear that the person taking over Don’s position is the guy I like on the radio. I still haven’t found out who is taking over his position on WEEI, the radio that broadcasts the Sox games. I also don’t know the fate of Jerry Remy and what his role will be in 2016. I am sure I will find out as I follow Jerry on Twitter and he has always let his fans know the truth about what is going on with him. I admire Jerry for it.

As I was watching the game, I made coffee hoping to keep the drowsiness away for a couple of hours. It worked but now it’s wearing off. I also had a glass of wine with dinner so I am sure the combination knocked itself out. I haven’t taken my night meds yet because I took my morning meds kind of late. I have to space them out at least eight hours apart (I take the same meds in the evening).

Sometime last night, I had a problem with my laptop screen. It went all fuzzy and then went to “sleep” mode. It was still “on” but it was blank. I restarted the laptop and that seemed to fix it. The problem seems to be either on the wake up or on the boot up. The last time I had an update, I had this problem on the startup. The screen went fuzzy and wouldn’t go beyond the Dell boot up screen. It took several turn offs and ons to get it right. Just as a precaution, I copied my files on a thumb drive. But I just realized I didn’t take what is on the desktop or my pictures. I will have to make a back up of those, soon. I am too tired to do that tonight. I’m hoping it was just a glitch and won’t return. I had that problem with my other laptop but that was because it fell. This laptop to my knowledge hasn’t taken a hit and is mostly on my bed. I very rarely travel with it.

To my surprise, my mother turned the heat on today. It’s cold but I don’t think it’s that cold. Whatever. I am back to wearing t-shirts rather than long sleeves. Last night, I wanted to take a shower after the OSU game but we had no hot water. The pilot went out and I am grateful that is all it was. I will take shower tomorrow morning as I am too lazy to take one now. Ankle is still hurting me from nearly falling last night. While I was changing into my sweatpants, I lost balance in my foot and nearly fell over. I had to put all my weight on my ankle/foot to keep from falling. So it’s nice and sore today. Another reason I am glad I slept most of the day. But now it’s hurting me so I will need to take some pain meds soon. I like taking them with my night meds as then I know when I took them and when I need to take them again. I keep track of when I take my meds through an app. It’s useful for me. I wish it provided a list of times when I did take my meds but that is not a “free” function and I am not going to pay monthly for it. I just can’t justify it. I don’t need to know that bad.

depression and delusions

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been reading my blogs from a year ago and found that I was very depressed. I didn’t want to be in treatment. I didn’t want to take my medication anymore. I just wanted to be left alone. I felt like I was a bother to my psychiatrist and my therapist. Then things got more serious. I was in pain and that just sent me over the edge. I became suicidal. Now there was no way I couldn’t see my pdoc or therapist. They wanted to see me despite me telling me them it was a waste of their time. I must have read at least three blogs that said this.

It was after my book was published and I sunk into a deep depression. I don’t remember it now. I just have the blogs to monitor these things. I am glad I have this record because I don’t remember half of what I write. Some blogs were written in the evening. Some were after midnight. The ones written after midnight were more depressing than those written at an earlier time. But then, my moods always get worse after midnight, especially if I can’t sleep. I talk about Hyde in a few of the blogs but not all the time. Hyde is my suicidal alter that comes out when there is a perfect storm: I am in severe pain, deeply depressed, and want to end my life. He likes to write the most morose things. He will write suicide notes. He hasn’t been around much since July. I hope that he stays away.

There was another blog that I read that was “private” I had to throw it away because it was a description of me trying to end my life. I couldn’t justify keeping it so I “threw” it away.

I am in a lot of pain right now and I just realized I forgot to refill my bottle of pain meds that I keep by the bed side. I will have to get up and do so. My ankle is not going to like it but it needs to be done. Because if the pain gets worse and I have to walk the three feet to the bureau, that will be worse. I hate being in pain at night. It is awful. But hopefully my meds will kick in soon and I will fall asleep. I doubt that it will be soon. Foot is also acting up along with my ankle. It’s the trouble twos. I usually can’t rest when both my foot and ankle are flared up. I didn’t do anything. I think it is nerve pain because my toes are throbbing big time.

I read a lot of my blogs tonight. I didn’t notice any patterns or anything in my mood for the months I was depressed. And when I was depressed, the world stopped spinning. It was horrible to read the pain I was in and I don’t mean the physical pain. The mental pain of depression was awful. I don’t know how I got through those episodes without trying to kill myself. According to the blogs, I had extra sessions with my therapist. That must have been what got me through. I wrote that I fired her a few times in addition to cancelling my sessions that she refused to do. In one blog, I wrote that I had pain and she un-cancelled the session. I had to see her. All because my ankle was hurting me. She is a weirdo, but she is my weirdo.

I feel depressed right now because of my pain and that I can’t sleep. It’s after midnight. I feel like I should write. Writing tends to make me sleepy so I can actually sleep, even if it’s for a few hours. I am sure to wake up anywhere between 0400 and 0700 today.

As I have been writing about my second diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome, I have another story to regale. One night the nurse practitioner decided to give me a high dose of Neurontin with my other meds that I was taking. Mind you, I was still recovering from surgery so I still had some anesthesia in my system and I was on some powerful pain meds at the time. She gave me the Neurontin to try and ease the “nerve” pain I was having in my thigh that was weak. I have been on Neurontin before so didn’t think nothing of it. Until I started having delusions. I imagined I was in my bed at home and when the tubes fell into the nursing stations, I thought my mother had fallen out of bed. I couldn’t get up to see her but when I woke up from the noise, I realized I was in the hospital and went back to sleep. Soon after the nurse came in to wake me up as I had to go for an MRI to find out what was causing the weakness in my leg. She was to give me valium so I could be relaxed during the MRI and a pain med so I would be comfortable on my back for the hour. She didn’t know my mental status was impaired until I told her I had to call my mother and find out if she was okay. At 0230 in the morning, I called home to see if my mother was indeed ok. She was and told me to worry about myself. I realized I was dreaming and the nurses went on their way but I still wasn’t myself. The orderly wheeled me to the emergency department imaging center and I had a flashback of when I was first diagnosed with CES. I was stuck in this time. I had no idea what was going on. But I was too drugged to do anything about it. By the time they had me on the table for the MRI, I passed out. When I came to, two nurses were trying to catheterize me because I hadn’t gone to the bathroom in hours and my bladder was very full. They asked me if I knew where I was and I told them I was in the ER (I was actually back up in my room but it was still the middle of the night) and that I had CES again. I then passed out but not before hearing them say something like “he’s gone”. When I finally came to the next day, the nurse practitioner came into my room to talk to me. She said that I had a bad reaction to the Neurontin. I just looked at her and said, that wasn’t a dream? She told me no. I was floored. She was going to put me on another medication and that is when I stopped her. I told her to run it by my psychiatrist first before putting me on any more meds. My psychiatrist must have scolded her because she came back and said she wasn’t going to put me on anything else but to make me comfortable. Results of the MRI showed that I had a fragment on my L3 nerve root and would need surgery again. Oh fun! It would be my second in three days time.