Tag: blog

frustrating therapy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am in a little less pain today than I was last night. This could change as the night progresses. I have been up and down the stairs today, not a lot but enough to possibly set off my ankle. There is supposed to be rain today but it’s partly cloudy and very humid out. I am glad I didn’t take my AC out last week when it was cool. We always have an Indian summer and the weather stays fair until November. I usually don’t have the AC going in October but it usually stays in until I can clear a path for my brother in law to take it out.

I had therapy today and we talked about my anxiety coming up with my anniversary. She said that it is creating a something to do with PTSD. I forget the word she used. Half way through session, I wanted to stop talking. I just didn’t want to talk anymore about anything. She kept on asking about Hyde and my suicidality, the depression, and about my pain. We talked about that for a bit as pain has really brought me down. I just feel useless because if I do anything, it brings me pain. If I don’t do anything, it brings me pain. How can I win at this game? How am I supposed to live? I am so tired of living with the depression and being in chronic physical pain. I don’t think she gets it. And I am too tired to try and make her understand. I know dealing with chronic pain isn’t her thing and she has had to learn off the fly what it’s like, but sometimes I just want her to listen and not say anything when I complain about being in pain. She can’t do anything for me but be there and that is all I am asking her to do. I’m the one stuck with this bullshit not her. Only thing I can do is fucking text her in the middle of the night because the pain is driving me crazy. Used to be that I texted her my darkness. Now I just want to die because I can’t stand the pain anymore, and everything that goes with it.

She asked about my writing and I cringed. I told her I am just blogging right now. I can’t seem to get my head in gear to do anything else. I am just tired of trying to write something and coming up empty. I have been trying to add on to Haylor but no can do. And it bugs me because the words are there but I can’t get them out. It is so frustrating.

I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to go to the liquor store to get some wine but haven’t the inkling to get dressed and go. I just want to stay in my room, with the AC, and keep my foot up. I slept after my therapy appointment. So much for the coffee keeping me up. I had the Brazil Sertraozinho today. It was very good. Today is National Coffee day. My aunt told me that Dunkins was giving out free coffee today. I’ll stick with my good stuff, thank you. They are only good for donuts, least to me anyway. I really want some Chinese food, the good greasy kind. It’s too bad my favorite place closed down. Now I have limited to no options. There is one place I get General Gau from but that is the only thing good there. Their fried rice isn’t so great and their Lo Mein sucks. Maybe I will get some on Thursday when I have to head into town. I’ll go to the train station and get it there. It’s pretty good and cheap.

ARGH, Another Pain Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

ARGH, another pain day

I woke up this morning and I was fine. I made a phone call to my PCP to find out if my prescription was ready to be picked up and it was. So I set out to go into town and get it. I was feeling okay, not 100%. I am never 100% but felt good enough to venture out. I really wanted to stay home and relax but I wanted my Hawaiian coffee. I stayed at Starbucks for about an hour before heading to town. By the time I finished walking to the PCP’s office and back to the train station, my ankle started up on me. I just missed the 1230 bus so would have to catch the 1330 bus, which meant having to wait a half hour at the station. I was feeling really worn out and just wanted to go home but I wanted to fill the prescription and then not have to go out tomorrow. So as I was waiting in line at the pharmacy counter, my ankle had enough. It screamed and I almost gave out a little yell. I couldn’t believe it. It has never done this before. Luckily, I was called next, then sat to wait for the script. I was grateful to sit down a bit or I would be crying.

I had tweeted Walgreens over the weekend to say I was upset with their customer care. They got the details and while I was at Starbucks, the manager called to apologize. She agreed someone should have called me to tell me what was going on with my prescription (Zofran). She apologized and said that she would call me back when the issue was taken cared of. Apparently, because their system was down, my insurance thought I picked it up and then was trying to refill it so it wouldn’t go through again. They had to cancel out the transaction to let me have my meds. It was complicated and then three hours later when I went to pick it up, it still wasn’t ready. So glad I didn’t go when she said it would be fifteen minutes! In the end, it helps to complain to upper management to get things done. I know some people have problems with the alerts and I keep getting refill reminders more than I get prescription ready alerts. It helps to also have Twitter as a go to for getting customer care. I seriously doubt I would have the meds ready when I came if the manager hadn’t called me this morning. I would have had to wait longer for them to figure the damn thing out and I would again be out of my meds for possibly another day. There would be no way I would be able to wait longer than 15 minutes anyway. My bladder was telling me it was time to go home and my ankle was already crying. It needed to be put up, like it is now. I desperately needed to take a pain med so needed to come home as soon as possible.

I am glad I didn’t buy the Hawaiian coffee because I don’t like it hot. I would have to make it iced and I am just not that talented. I was able to get my Brazil Sertaozinho today. I can’t wait to make that coffee tomorrow. It’s like milk chocolate in a coffee cup. I have had that iced and hot and enjoy it. It’s probably the only thing that I enjoy right now. My mother was confused as to why I bought another bag of coffee. I told her it was different flavors. Really, they are just different places where the coffee is produced. I forget where my Kati Kati is made, but I still have that, household blend, and soon will have Pike’s Place. I am not going to get Pike’s grounded until I am done with the household blend. I have a quarter of a bag left.

I am not planning on doing anything today. I do have to eat something as I really didn’t have breakfast or lunch today. I had a ring ding this morning but I don’t think that counts as breakfast. I am totally wiped so I need to rest a bit before I try and make myself something to eat. While at Walgreens I was able to get some shredded cheese so I can use it for my burrito. I might make eggs. Or I might make a turkey sandwich. I just remembered I bought some turkey breast with my online grocery order. I am so glad I can order groceries online. It is so convenient and doesn’t hurt me. I can order them and have them delivered and I don’t have to carry the bags up the stairs. I just have to put them away. I won’t order eggs again, however. I had to get a credit because two eggs were broken out of the dozen and a half that I ordered. It was something that I feared would happen.

I tried getting a hold of my therapist today but she must be really busy as she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Now that it’s late in the afternoon, I don’t think she will. I am just feeling really out of sorts and depressed. This pain is really throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I have made it go away, it flares up on me again. It is really bringing me down. I am not suicidal but I wish someone would take me out of my misery. I can’t stand being in pain every day. You would think that I would be used to it by now but it’s not something you ever get used to. Today I went out and did a few things but tomorrow I will have to rest. I might have to rest Wednesday too because Thursday is going to be a long day. I have to deal with my father and then I have my pdoc appointment in the afternoon. I haven’t quite decided how I am going to get to the red line as my father is on the orange. I will have to time it right to get to where I need to go, which means more walking and traveling. I don’t know if my ankle is up for the task. It kills me that I can’t do things every day like “normal” people do. I will have the Friday and the weekend to recover but I don’t know if my mental health will. I am just getting really annoyed that this pain hasn’t let up despite rest and pain meds. Or it has and then soon as I am a little bit active, I am in agony all over again. I am glad I have the energy to do things but paying for the efforts just isn’t fun. It outright, just sucks.

Foggy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Both my games won today. Sox and Patriots won. I am glad. I am, however, sad that one of the announcers at NESN had his last game at Fenway. The stupid network fired him without just cause. He will finish out the remainder of the season and then be gone. I heard that San Diego is looking at him. I don’t want him to go because he made watching baseball fun. Now I am stuck listening to the radio for next season. Maybe I will watch the new guy but I really want to boycott the station in protest. I could be a real ass and just cancel the network, but that wouldn’t be fair as we would have just basic channels and my mother would probably kill me. She wouldn’t have her Hallmark channel or the other ones that she likes to watch anymore. What was really shitty was that the Red Sox had a tribute to the guy and the network didn’t air it. What assholes.

I was in a fog most of the day and then I watched my games. I totally forgot to call Walgreens to find out about my prescription. But I put in the order for it to be “refilled” so maybe things will be working okay by tomorrow. I am really surprised they didn’t call me and tell me there was a problem. If there is a problem, I am still going to tweet Walgreens and complain. There should be no good reason why they can’t fill my prescription as I have had it before. It’s not new. I am not allergic to it. There are no interactions (that I know of) with my other medications. I just find this so frustrating. Least call like they said they would. That is the other thing that pissed me off. Why bother telling someone they are going to call you and then don’t do it? I should just complain about that. Take that for being a dumbass. Or at least call and tell me the problem is a computer thing and won’t be fixed until such and such a date. I am so annoyed. If I didn’t need the medicine, I wouldn’t care. They could take their blessed time but I am close to running out and I hate not having my meds. It just creates anxiety for me.

I didn’t make coffee today. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in the afternoon. I made breakfast and then decided to make coffee after my nap but I overslept and then the games were on. I really need to shower tonight. I was going to this morning but I was just so sleepy. I didn’t go to bed till around 0300 and then I woke up around 0600 and been playing sleep catch up ever since. I took some Neurontin last night to help with the bloody pain and that was why I was so hung over today. Lack of sleep and Neurontin doesn’t mix well. It took me so long to make pancakes this morning. I kept having to go over the ingredients over and over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then after I mixed it, I had to lie down. I just let the mixture sit for about a half hour. I guess it was a good thing because the pancakes were nice and fluffy which they never were before. So now I have a secret way of making the pancakes fluffy.

My pain levels are minimal today. I think the Neurontin helped to shut things down. I will have to remember to keep this in mind when I have my next flare up next month around this time. It seems I have been having flare ups the same time every month. It can go on for weeks. Like I explained in my last blog, it’s sometimes difficult to ascertain whether I am experiencing nerve pain or physical pain. Usually my pain meds takes care of my pain and then I am fine. But when it doesn’t work, I have to find an alternative. I am glad I have the Neurontin as it can help tremendously. Only thing that sucks is the hangover part and the fog. I have to sleep off the medication otherwise, I am sleepy all day. And then I have to deal with incessant hunger cravings. Today wasn’t so bad. I had three meals today plus a snack so I think I am good. I had a big piece of steak for dinner so I am hoping I won’t have any other food cravings for the rest of the night.

I still don’t know what causes the flare ups. This time it seemed to have been caused by zaps. Zaps are electric shock type of pain that runs through my foot. I usually just get it on my big toe in my bad foot, but lately, the zaps have been all over my foot. I think it’s because I am still numb and the nerves are trying to fire to make connections again that I feel this type of pain. But they usually don’t last too long. This round, they lasted at least six hours. I was very sore the next day. I thought it was over but the soreness never left and neither did the pain left behind. I am just glad the pain is gone now because I don’t think I can stand another night of being in pain. I hope it doesn’t return tonight because it just makes me really depressed.

In a Shitty Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a Shitty mood

I’m in a shitty mood right now. Pain has come back with a vengeance and have been trying to come up with a way to take my night meds without hurting myself more. If I stand on my foot, the pain is temporarily stopped but soon as I get off, it returns worse than before. I took some pain meds fifteen minutes ago so I am hoping the pain will ease some and then I can stand up and take my meds. I should have taken them when I came back from the bathroom but thought it was too early. Then my medication app went off and I started cursing. This pain has gone on for about a week now. It is dragging me down into a well and I know soon I will be thinking about ending my life if it continues. Either that or ways of chopping my foot off. Just cut the part that hurts away and I will be better. Least that is my theory, though I know it won’t be true. My nerves will have a field day and a half should I attempt it. So cutting off the affected limb is out.

It’s really stressful to be in pain every day. Yesterday I got notification that I will receive my disability payments until I am 65. I found that it was depressing. It means I can no longer join the work force. That I am truly disabled and I don’t like being disabled. I thought I made peace with this idea of not being able to work but was hopeful that once the LTD stopped, I could face the possibility of finding a part time job. Now that doesn’t seem likely. I can’t go to college and I can’t work. What the hell am I going to do 24/7? Sure I will sleep for at least 6 hours so that will leave what, 18 hours to do something? I can write but it only comes in spurts. Sure I write on my blog frequently but it’s not the same as writing for my book, which I have my doubts on. I know I might sell a few copies of the new book, but I doubt it will be as much as my first book. Or maybe it will be more because it’s concentrated on something else. I don’t know, it’s frustrating because I know I will never be a Neil Gaiman or a Lawrence Block. My writing is just not that great all the time. Even my stories that I have posted on my blog don’t get read that wildly. I am just a dark writer and unless I find a dark audience, the material is just not going to go anywhere.

I have thought about what I am going to do with my check now that it is secured. Maybe I can save up for a college class online and see how that goes. There is a psychology class that is available only in the summer at UMB that I have been dying to take. It will take some budgeting but I think I can do it by next April. I also want to go on a trip to see my friends out in California. One lives there and three others have moved there. It would be nice to see them again. Then I have a friend in Texas that I have been dying to see since she left Boston. My cousin also just moved there so I will be killing two birds with one stone. Least I hope so. Texas is a big state and unfortunately, my friend lives on one end and my cousin is in the middle. Not close together so it will take some planning. Least she is closer to him now than she was before. So next check will be a huge saving deal where I put money aside for travel and some aside for college. But all of this is mute if I end up dead because of this fucking pain that won’t go away. This is the second month that I have had a bad flare up where I had to take strong pain meds to quiet it down. I thought after the good day I had earlier I would be fine. All that changed when the pain became intense that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Sometimes the pain goes away if I don’t pay attention to it and then there are times when doing that just intensifies it. I guess getting the migraine earlier out of the blue really caused my mood to shift.

It started while I was watching the OSU game. Western Michigan had the ball at their 2 yard line and the crowd noise went ballistic. I know the volume on the TV was loud but the crowd noise made it amplify. I should have known I was getting a migraine but didn’t think nothing of it. My mother came to the kitchen so I switched TVs. I watched from the living room and my head started hurting. I was also becoming irritable and tired. I was watching baseball and every time I switched games, from football to baseball, I felt like I was watching golf as the baseball game was so quiet compared to the football game. I watched baseball during halftime and then when they place Ogando in whatever inning it was, I went to my room. I can’t stand to watch him pitch because he loves giving up the long ball (homerun). But he did good today, kept the shut out. It wasn’t until I heard a saw running that my head exploded with pain. My sister is doing construction in her kitchen. They were still working on it from this morning. I immediately took my migraine pill before nausea could set in. I guess that was why I was sick the other day. If the nausea lasts more than 24 hours, I usually end up with a migraine some where in the next day or so. This is why I need my Zofran. I know it’s the weekend but I should be able to have them fill it. If it doesn’t cost too much, maybe I will pay out of pocket if insurance is the issue. I can’t imagine it can be but I won’t know until someone picks up the damn phone and tells me why they can’t fill it. If they need a diagnosis, I can tell them but they probably want it from my doc, which means having to wait till Monday. I will try tomorrow to get someone in the pharmacy and then if I don’t get someone, I will tweet walgreens to make a stink. Sometimes I get a faster response tweeting than I do on the phone.

I really am trying not to let the pain get the best of me but it is so fucking hard. I am in such a shitty mood. I need to take my night meds so I can try and get some sleep. But the throbbing is so incessant. I just need about 5 minutes to stand to take my meds and then be back on my comfy bed. I don’t think that is asking too much after all the walking I did and stair climbing, it should be a piece of cake. But no, not tonight. The ball of my foot is being prodded so viciously and angrily. It’s in my between the last two metatarsals of my foot. And the pain is going to the side of my foot near my ankle. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome sucks so bad. I guess I should be grateful that it’s a mild case and not severe as it can be. Doesn’t mean I like it very much. This is why I am disabled, aside from my mental illness. My mental illness is the 1st diagnosis that lead to me being disabled. Then you add my physical disability and whammo, I can’t work anymore. I really can’t stand this. Being in mental pain is one thing. I thought, at one point, being in physical pain was better. How wrong was I? Terribly wrong. I only thought it was better because there would be medication for it. But I soon found out that being in pain all the time screws up pathways and shit that medications just don’t touch. I would have to take Neurontin and my opioids to get total relief for ONE day. But the problem with the Neurontin is that it makes me hungry and I need to watch my fucking weight. So I don’t take it unless I absolutely have to. It’s hard to tell when I am having a nerve pain attack and when this is physical pain that is only helped by narcs. Usually in this flare up, I have to take a Neurontin or a dozen to get relief. And I do mean a dozen. I will take a handful and then be fine for a week. Then I know it was nerve pain and not physical pain. It’s been an hour since I took the pain meds and now my foot has calmed down so I know that it was physical pain. It’s still throbbing but with less intensity. I can now take my night time meds and try to go to sleep. Maybe the shitty mood will be gone by morning.