Tag: Blogging

Lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Friday

I woke up before noon and made coffee. Then I made breakfast/lunch of a bacon and cheese sandwich. By the time I finished that, I was exhausted. I needed a nap and seeing as I wasn’t going out today, I napped. My mother called me around 1600 to let me know dinner was ready. I must have slept for at least 2.5 hours. I was having weird dreams so I am glad I woke up.

I didn’t do anything today. I went to bed really late last night as I just couldn’t sleep. I was reading well into the wee hours of the morning, which is why I was so tired today. I think I will read some Adler when I go retrieve the binder when I empty my recycling bin. I haven’t been outside all day. Mostly just been in my room.

The Sox game is on late tonight and probably will be all weekend. They are on the west coast and I hate the games because they are on so late, which means I am up late watching or hearing them play. Last night’s game went to extra innings so didn’t get over till after 0100. I was wired by then, whether the espresso I had earlier in the day had something to do with it, who knows. I tell myself I am not going to watch it then I do then I regret it as I am up all night.

I was reading three books last night. I started with Dostoevsky. Then I decided to read some Lawrence Block. In the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to read a book about fieldstones in writing. It was annoying me so I had to put it down and then I finally fell asleep. It was a good book to let your mind wander about things as you are trying to sleep. I have a friend that uses this “stone method” in her writing. It works for her. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found my niche for writing. I just go on the fly. Whatever comes, comes and if it doesn’t, I really don’t give a shit.

While I was in the kitchen this morning, there were several flies on the screens. I thought they were outside but they were actually in the house. I played fly swatterer for a while before I cooked my breakfast. It was kind of a fun game. I still have no idea how they got in the house. They are gone now though.

Writing Itch 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing itch 3

My writing itch continues. I am afraid that it started when I was reading a book about writing a novel. I have no clue how to write a novel nor do I ever plan on writing one because, frankly, I am not that creative. I basically write about my experiences in my blog and then if I feel that particular blog is good, I store it in my “book” folder to be published later. I feel like I am writing a second memoir though it’s really just short stories about mental illness, particularly about psychosis. I was going to throw in a story about narcissism but it was too close to my father and I just couldn’t write about it without thinking about him.

Speaking of him, I still haven’t cried for him, at all, since his death three months ago. I get sad about this but how can you cry when you are relieved he is gone? That the terror you felt as a child and an adult is finally out of life for good? I can’t call him a “dad” because he wasn’t one in any sense of the word. To me, he will always be my father and that is all.

I am wicked tired but I can’t sleep because of this writing itch. I like that I get into these itches but what I write is garbage. They are just words on a screen. I don’t even know if I make sense. I was feeling tired earlier this evening. I should have napped then but then I would probably wake up at this hour and be doing what I am doing. Writing nonsense.

I added a story to my book. I am up to 115 pages so far. I have 85 pages to go. Once I finish reading the Adler chapter, I think I am going to write some pages from the Daily Post word prompts that I have been saving. I think it will do me some good to write them. Lord knows I have enough notebooks to write my stories in them. I just hope that I write at least 850 words per word prompt. That is my word goal. If I write more than that, so be it, but I want each prompt to be at least 850 words.

I finally broke down and wrote to my favorite author, Lawrence Block. I felt like I had to because it felt important to me that he should know how I feel about his work. I don’t know if I will get a response or not. But at least I told him my feelings.

Today, there was something on Facebook about ISIS. It set me off in my delusions. I also read my blogs from March 2015 and realized my delusions started then about ISIS. I am really surprised that neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist gave any weight to my delusions. I think if they did, I probably wouldn’t be struggling today with so much psychotic symptoms. Of course, this is all in hindsight. This stuff won’t be making it’s way into my book because I am not sure of copyright issues and stuff. I just have been calling them snakeheads because they are being controlled by alien parasites that look like snakes, though they are far more uglier than snakes. Still scares me though.

Tomorrow I am going to try and sweep the stairs of the dust that has accumulated on there since the last sweeping. I will try and wash them as well but it all depends on if my back cooperates with me or not. Lately, the slights movement and it seems to go out on me. I made dinner tonight and had to sit down while cooking because the spasms were so intense. I don’t know why it gets like that. Drives me crazy.

Adler and Espresso

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up till after 0200 and didn’t want to wake up early despite my mother calling me around 10 to put something defrosting in the fridge. I slept till around 1300 and forced myself to get up. I had to anyway because I had to go to the bathroom. I then flitted on the laptop until it was time to get dressed to catch the bus.

I had 5 shots espresso today and it was really strong. Maybe because I didn’t really dilute it that much with soy milk like I did yesterday. If I go out tomorrow, I will just get 4 shots. I read the chapter I am working on. I now know why Adler lost many followers with his psychology, even though by outward appearance it looks good. It really denounces psychopathology and I feel “blames” the patient for their shortcomings. I hate psychology like that. I doubt you could be suicidal with this type of therapist, which is sad.

There is a workshop going on in Texas right now called Stop Texas Suicides, or something like that. I have been following because my favorite people are there, including Jobes. I adore him. He is my hero. I hope someday I am as good a therapist as he is, if I ever go back to school to finish my degree.

My mother was bitching at me today because I went to Starbucks. She doesn’t understand that I need to get out of the house. Yes, I have coffee for the house but if I drink it, I can’t really go out and have coffee at Starbucks. I am sure people just go there with their own coffee and just sit and use their wifi or read the paper or book. But I feel that is not right. Plus I like buying their sandwiches and having the espresso drinks. I doubt I can ever get an espresso machine. I really would never leave the house. And besides, there is something different when someone makes the drink for you than you making it yourself.

My Starbucks funds are starting to run low so tomorrow I will be having coffee at home. I just hope I can read the chapter while at home. I am more than half way through so I know I can finish it by this weekend. And even though it’s 62 pages, the last 5 or so are references and other crap relating to Adler so it’s not really reading text.

I have had to start putting when I take the trilafon in my medication app so I know when I last took my medication. Last night I was in a quandary as to whether or not I took my evening dose and didn’t want to double up if I did take it. It’s difficult because I don’t put the med in with my night meds because sometimes I don’t need the extra dose. It’s so hard to keep track of when I take it.

Despite drinking all that espresso, I feel a nap coming on. I am just worn out with the heat. I made dinner tonight for my mother and I. We had hamburgers so I got to use the rolls that I bought. I didn’t buy more meat but I will if I do decide to go out tomorrow. I have gone out three days this week. But I got a lot accomplished. If only I can decide what book to read next, I would be set. That was part of the reason I couldn’t sleep last night. I wanted to read something but couldn’t decide what. I really wanted to read some more Adler but the chapter was on the first floor and I didn’t want to go down and get it. I had already done my share of stair climbing that day. And I did today too, because I left my glasses in my bag. I probably will grab it later, if I feel like it.

Go Boldly!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Go Boldly!

The Canadian Star Trek stamps that I ordered last week finally came today. I am so excited. I love collecting stamps from other countries. I have a beautiful poster of Mexican stamps that would go nicely in my room but I never hung it up because I was too lazy. I am thinking more of setting up shelves in my room for all the books that I have because I don’t really have the space for bookcases. My walls are pretty bare.

I got out today, finally. It was a challenge because I was really tired after therapy but I pushed through it, got dressed and caught the bus. I had to go to the bank to make a deposit. My mother thankfully gave me a few bucks so my checking account doesn’t go in the red. I am still debating on cancelling my Amazon Prime membership then reinstating it later this month when it’s closer to my check coming in. I really like the 2 day free shipping option. Though I might just pay for the year and be done with it. I don’t know. I will decide in a few weeks which way to go.

I got the reading done and actually read more than 10 pages because it was a very interesting read. I am learning about Adler’s psychology and it’s interesting that he thought of “holism” back during the times of Freud. He wanted to treat the whole person, not just the diagnosis. His concepts are not that far off and more psychology people are into this type of psychology, an integration of mind and body kind of thing, though Adler didn’t exactly put it that way.

I had 5 shots of espresso in my soy latte. It was a bit strong but it did the trick. I am wide awake. I feel like I have energy so I might continue reading what I started as I do have a deadline to meet. It’s kind of exciting to be reading this knowing that I have a deadline. I feel like I am back in school or something. I know what I am doing might now mean much to the person that I am doing this for, but it means a lot to me to be learning something that I normally wouldn’t read, which is why I picked Adler over Freud. I do hope that I get this book when it is published but I will mostly likely buy it if I don’t get it. I am getting to be a bookaholic. I just seem to “buy” the books more than read them. Just like my composition notebooks. I buy them to have them, not really write in them, LOL. Which reminds me, school season is on the way so I wonder how many I will buy before September…

I had therapy today. I asked her if she knew anything about Adler and she said her memory was faint on the subject. It was a boring session. We didn’t talk about anything that we didn’t talk about the other day. Though we did talk about her upcoming birthday. She didn’t want to talk about it but I had to because if she wasn’t born, I probably wouldn’t be here or worse, be talking to some other shrink. She always seems to think my birthday is special so I kind of want the same for her. I still have her birthday gift which I probably won’t give her till I see her next. I thought about mailing it to her but I think that is kind of impersonal. I told her this weekend is Peal Jam weekend as they are playing at my favorite ballpark, Fenway Park. I wasn’t able to get tickets because they sold out in minutes, not that I had the money to begin with. It would have been great to go though. So I will have my own concert in my room, blaring my favorite Pearl Jam songs. There is just one album that is missing from my Pearl Jam collection. I have no idea when it came out. I think it was the album before their current one. It’s on my list of CDs to get. All my Pearl Jam albums are CDs except for the current album, Lightening Bolt. That one I bought digital, which I could make as a CD, if I really cared to.

I really can’t wait to show my sister the gift that I bought my brother in law, which is the Canadian stamps. It’s the first time buying anyone a Christmas gift in a LONG time. I just hope I don’t misplace it between now and then or put it in a “secret” spot and forget where that spot is. That would be terrible.