Tag: Blogging

Random 449

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 449

Last night I almost had a meltdown again. I couldn’t sleep. My brain was way wired and the songs in my head were so fucking loud. I emailed my psychiatrist because I didn’t know what to do. I clearly explained what was going on with the voices and the pain that I have been experiencing. I told her how I felt about having to deal with both illnesses and feeling like a junkie (the latest word the voices are telling me). I just wanted some reassurance I wasn’t a junkie because of all the meds I take including my pain meds. She wrote back a little while ago and said that she understood and that I wasn’t a junkie by any measure. That helped, it really did.

I meant to go out today but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like it. I slept the entire afternoon. If my mother didn’t make dinner, I doubt I would eat something. I just have no motivation to do a damn thing but lay my head on a pillow and sleep. I had a rough night and I knew I would feel like shit when I woke up. I could have gotten dressed anyways and made it out to Starbucks. I really wanted to start the chapter I need to read and I figure if I read at least 10 pages a day for the next 6 days, my mission will be complete. But I got to really make some effort in reading it. I also need to print out the email that tells me what I am suppose to critique in this chapter. I hope to do so tomorrow.

My sister called me this morning to ask how I was. I told her I was fine. She was at work and I didn’t want to worry her. And besides, what good will it do? She can’t do anything for me. Things will just work out on its own. I think I might have to go in the hospital, eventually. But I got to wait for the pain to quiet down some. I don’t know when that will be but I know that it needs to be soon if I am going to have any sanity left.

I totally overspent this month on my budget. I forgot to budget for my transportation cost and now I am left with only a few dollars for the month. I am suppose to get a check soon from the state and I hope it’s sometime this month. I bought some hamburger and hotdog rolls that are going to go to waste if I don’t buy the meat for it. I hate wasting bread. Unfortunately, when I placed my online order, they didn’t have my hotdogs. I was so mad. They credited me and all, but I got the rolls but no hotdogs.

If I am a junkie, it’s to Oreo’s new Oreo Thins. It’s just the right amount of cookie and cream. Only thing is I can eat a package at time. And the packages are small to begin with. I think that will be my snack as I haven’t had one all day. I will have some soy milk with it. I have been drinking more soy milk than regular milk lately because my bowels don’t like it much and I don’t have to worry about going unexpectedly.

Dostoevsky: Love and Suicides

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Dostoevsky: Love and suicides

I was just about to give up on finishing reading this deathly boring book about religion and brothers when I came across an interesting passage that made me love Dostoevsky even more than I already love him. He wrote about loving one another no matter what and if you cannot love a man, love the earth and soak it with your tears so the fruits can come up, or something like that. Then when I was finished reading that section, he writes this:

“But woe to those who slain themselves on earth. Woe to the suicides! I believe that there can be none more miserable than they. They tell us that it is a sin to pray for them and outwardly the church, as it were, renounces them, but in my secret heart I believe that we may pray even for them. Love can never be an offence to Christ. For such as those I have prayed inwardly all my life. I confess it, fathers and teachers, even now I pray for them every day”. Father Zossima in Brothers Karamazov.

I am reading this book on Kindle so I can’t quote the page it is on. But isn’t it beautiful? That in the late 1800’s a man wanted to pray for suicides when they were condemned by the church? And in Russia of all places!

Harry Potter and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Harry Potter and other things

I made my monthly trip to Harvard Square to pick up my copy of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Just as I thought, it was a script of the London Play that opened up July 30th. It will be interesting to read as I never read a script before. It’s in my pile of “to read” books.

While I was waiting for a friend to get back to me on whether or not we could meet up, there were a ton of police cars racing toward the train station. I have no idea what transpired in the minutes it took for me to walk to the bookstore. I saw that they arrested someone and was being attended to by EMT personnel. Maybe a fight broke out or something. It didn’t affect train traffic, thank goodness. It was all outside the station.

My friend just got back to me. He is booked till late tonight. That’s too bad. I am sure I will be back in the square one of these days so our schedules will match up to meet.

I got really tired as the humidity was bad. It was my first day out in a few days as I have been sleeping almost non stop since Thursday. I had therapy in the afternoon and was pretty alert during session. We talked a little bit about how much the pain is draining me and that I don’t get that much support around my medication issues. My family thinks I shouldn’t be taking anything for my pain or that there should be some magical cure for it. That would be nice but unfortunately, the damage has been done and there is no undoing it.

I did tell my therapist about my sleeping and she said that it could just be that I am exhausted both mentally and physically from dealing with it. I told her the most I have done is taken a shower during the day or afternoon. I took one today and it wasn’t too bad. It woke me up some more. I really wanted to go to Harvard today even though by the time I got to my Square to get coffee, I just wanted to go back home. The bus was there as if taunting me. I walked by and proceeded to Harvard. Also while waiting for my friend to tweet me back, I went to Starbucks and got something to eat. I was kind of hungry as I didn’t eat anything all day. Then when I came home, my mother had a chicken salad. It was good and light. Prevented me from having to cook. I might make something later as those were the only things that I ate.

My therapist didn’t read the blog I sent her so I had to look up what blog I sent her as I didn’t remember. I also don’t remember writing the blog as it was late at night. I was sort of reading it while on the phone with her but it wasn’t registering in my brain. I still have no idea what I wrote. It was about dealing with chronic pain and suicidality. I told my therapist about how I felt about my medication and how it’s really fucking with me right now. I hate being on it but what choice do I have? I hate being on all the meds I am on but again, what choice do I have? And the voices don’t help because they want me to either not take anything or take everything. This is poison, this is okay to take, that isn’t, this is. It’s always a constant battle going on in my head. Most of the times I win, but sometimes I lose. Then it’s more medication to control what I have lost. Sucks. Sure the pressure would be easier if I was in the hospital. They would be controlling my meds but they don’t know how I take my pain meds at home because it’s not written the way I take it. I have tried to get them to change it but it’s no use. I never run out because I still use the same amount of pills a day. I just take two pills instead of 1 twice a day. Sometimes it is more than that but it’s rare. My ex-PCP knows this because I always was straight with him about how I take my meds. But the NP doesn’t ask and I just don’t offer. Then there are days when I am only taking two pills a day. It all depends on my pain level for any given day. But the chronicity of it is what is getting me down.

You would think that after dealing with it for so long (4+ years), I would be used to it by now. I’m not because I could be having low pain like right now and then my pain jumps to 10 in an instant. I could be resting for hours, lie down and wham, pain out of the woodworks. This is why I try to take my pain meds either before my night meds or after because I never know what level pain I am going to be in. That is also hard for me to be in the hospital because I could have no pain, high pain, or low pain. It’s difficult to gauge. And then they are only give me one damn pill and that just pisses me off. I also need to time it right so I can get it on the same shift as day or evening. Only exception is if I wake up in the middle of the night in pain. Then I got night shift to give me my meds. It just sucks.

Sunday Blog 16

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 16

I slept mostly all day today. I didn’t have coffee because I didn’t feel like making it. I would have had to clean the French press as my mother didn’t do it last night. I just wasn’t up to it because the sink was already full of dishes. I don’t understand how one person (my mother) can have so many dishes in a few hours. Drives me crazy.

I had a scary dream before I woke up due to sirens in my neighborhood. All I remember is that it was desert place and then it became an icy place. I kept going around in circles and the storm that was brewing was getting worse with howling winds. It was really creepy. I felt like I was in one of Neil Gaiman’s fantasy worlds or something. And there was a song that I never heard before blaring as sort of the theme song as I was making my travels. So weird.

Now I have Brad Paisley’s new song in my head that has been the case for the past 48 hours. I took a trilafon this morning to quiet it out and obviously, it didn’t work. It’s worse if I actually hear the song because then the music just gets louder in my head.

I had the left over Chinese food when I got up around 1500. I would have stayed up and watched the game but Steve Lyons was broadcasting and I can’t stand him. So I turned off the TV and went back to my cave. I didn’t last too long. I think I spent like 15 minutes into BPD chat before I got really tired and had to go nap again. I don’t know why I am so fucking tired. I haven’t done anything all day. I haven’t even read my book. I do need to eat something as my stomach is rumbling. Might have some pop tarts. They are always good in a pinch.

While I was dreaming, I dreamt that my psychiatrist emailed me and told me basically that I couldn’t email her anymore. She was tired of the “urgency” of the emails. I felt bad because I didn’t think I sent anything “Urgent” to her in the last few days, just blogs that I wrote. But it was just a dream as I checked my email and there wasn’t anything from her when I woke up.