Harry Potter and other things
I made my monthly trip to Harvard Square to pick up my copy of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Just as I thought, it was a script of the London Play that opened up July 30th. It will be interesting to read as I never read a script before. It’s in my pile of “to read” books.
While I was waiting for a friend to get back to me on whether or not we could meet up, there were a ton of police cars racing toward the train station. I have no idea what transpired in the minutes it took for me to walk to the bookstore. I saw that they arrested someone and was being attended to by EMT personnel. Maybe a fight broke out or something. It didn’t affect train traffic, thank goodness. It was all outside the station.
My friend just got back to me. He is booked till late tonight. That’s too bad. I am sure I will be back in the square one of these days so our schedules will match up to meet.
I got really tired as the humidity was bad. It was my first day out in a few days as I have been sleeping almost non stop since Thursday. I had therapy in the afternoon and was pretty alert during session. We talked a little bit about how much the pain is draining me and that I don’t get that much support around my medication issues. My family thinks I shouldn’t be taking anything for my pain or that there should be some magical cure for it. That would be nice but unfortunately, the damage has been done and there is no undoing it.
I did tell my therapist about my sleeping and she said that it could just be that I am exhausted both mentally and physically from dealing with it. I told her the most I have done is taken a shower during the day or afternoon. I took one today and it wasn’t too bad. It woke me up some more. I really wanted to go to Harvard today even though by the time I got to my Square to get coffee, I just wanted to go back home. The bus was there as if taunting me. I walked by and proceeded to Harvard. Also while waiting for my friend to tweet me back, I went to Starbucks and got something to eat. I was kind of hungry as I didn’t eat anything all day. Then when I came home, my mother had a chicken salad. It was good and light. Prevented me from having to cook. I might make something later as those were the only things that I ate.
My therapist didn’t read the blog I sent her so I had to look up what blog I sent her as I didn’t remember. I also don’t remember writing the blog as it was late at night. I was sort of reading it while on the phone with her but it wasn’t registering in my brain. I still have no idea what I wrote. It was about dealing with chronic pain and suicidality. I told my therapist about how I felt about my medication and how it’s really fucking with me right now. I hate being on it but what choice do I have? I hate being on all the meds I am on but again, what choice do I have? And the voices don’t help because they want me to either not take anything or take everything. This is poison, this is okay to take, that isn’t, this is. It’s always a constant battle going on in my head. Most of the times I win, but sometimes I lose. Then it’s more medication to control what I have lost. Sucks. Sure the pressure would be easier if I was in the hospital. They would be controlling my meds but they don’t know how I take my pain meds at home because it’s not written the way I take it. I have tried to get them to change it but it’s no use. I never run out because I still use the same amount of pills a day. I just take two pills instead of 1 twice a day. Sometimes it is more than that but it’s rare. My ex-PCP knows this because I always was straight with him about how I take my meds. But the NP doesn’t ask and I just don’t offer. Then there are days when I am only taking two pills a day. It all depends on my pain level for any given day. But the chronicity of it is what is getting me down.
You would think that after dealing with it for so long (4+ years), I would be used to it by now. I’m not because I could be having low pain like right now and then my pain jumps to 10 in an instant. I could be resting for hours, lie down and wham, pain out of the woodworks. This is why I try to take my pain meds either before my night meds or after because I never know what level pain I am going to be in. That is also hard for me to be in the hospital because I could have no pain, high pain, or low pain. It’s difficult to gauge. And then they are only give me one damn pill and that just pisses me off. I also need to time it right so I can get it on the same shift as day or evening. Only exception is if I wake up in the middle of the night in pain. Then I got night shift to give me my meds. It just sucks.