Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Was Pain Free, at Least for a Little While

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Was Pain Free, at least a little while

I did a few errands today as I had to pick up my prescriptions. Seems like every week I have something to pick up. Cost of being on a lot of meds I guess. Anyways, up until then, I was pain free. I started walking home and my thigh started aching. I didn’t know if I would be able to make it home. I took a shower this morning as I was up really early, like 0400 early. The hungry horrors struck as I had a big bowl of oatmeal and then an hour later I was still hungry. I had a pop tart. I was then hungry about a half hour later but decided to drink some water and take a nap. I didn’t sleep very well as my phone kept going off with messages and someone from Indiana keeps calling me. Every time I block the number, a new number appears. Fuckers. I only know one person from Indiana and I know it’s not her because her contact information would show up on my phone. It has to be a bill collector of some sort because they call several times a day. They NEVER leave a message so I don’t answer the phone.

It was good to be pain free for at least 12 hours or so. I guess my errand running flared up my leg. I guess the combination of my pain meds and nerve pain meds are keeping the pain in my ankle/foot at bay. That body part still is quiet so please don’t wake it. LOL. I am sure I will probably be in pain later when the meds wear off. The only pain I really had before going out was my back because I was taking a shower and standing for longer than ten minutes. It went away, luckily, when I rested. Surprisingly, it didn’t return while I was doing my errands and walking to the different places I had to go. It’s a mystery as to how it is set off. I think being barefoot has something to do with it. I am almost always barefoot around the house. Only time I wear slippers is when I know the kitchen floor is likely to be cold because it is cold out. Luckily we have been having warm weather for December so I can still be barefoot.

I started reading the next chapter in my book. I am surprised General McClellan is still in command. I forget the year he got fired and know his time is coming to a close because Lincoln’s cabinet is rounding a petition to have him fired or else. He hasn’t done a damn thing since the 7 days of War. The guy just annoys me, mostly because he refuses to include the president in his planning. To me, that is just disrespectful to the Commander in Chief. I hope to finish this book by the end of the week. I know I said I would write a review of the book but now I am not so sure. It turned out to be a better book than I thought it would be. I am learning more about the history than I thought I would. The author definitely researched this book very well.

Other than continue to read this book today, I am just going to rest my leg. I hope I don’t have to go up and down the stairs too much. My bowels seem to have exploded after I had my coffee so I hope my last trip to the bathroom was my last. I also hope that my hunger strikes don’t happen, though I still haven’t had lunch yet. Part of the reason I wanted to have coffee (besides the awful headache I woke with after my nap) was to curb my appetite. I still want egg and toast. I might have it later, if my mother doesn’t make anything for supper. We still have the load of fish she cooked. I don’t know who is going to eat it. I certainly am not going to eat reheated fish. Just the thought of it grosses me out. And the resulting smell it will leave in the kitchen does too.

It’s My Favorite Artist’s Birthday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s My Favorite Artist’s Birthday

It’s Taylor Swift’s birthday! She is 26. I wished her Happy Birthday on two different social media platforms today. She is one of my favorite artists. I can listen to her song, Love Story all day and not get tired of it. The same with her album 1989, which I am currently listening to.

It’s funny because when I was that age, I could have sworn I was 25 again. My 25th year was not very kind to me. I got the dreaded condition known as CES (cauda equina syndrome), and I didn’t know if I would ever walk again, unassisted. I felt like I lost a year because of this syndrome. And now, almost 15 years later, I might be facing it again.

My pain levels have dropped and my right leg is no longer hurting me. But I am not destined to have a pain free day because my left thigh has decided it is going to hurt today as well. I just cannot win. The pain isn’t too bad, it just hurts. I kind of wish I did something so I can say that I did such and such to make it hurt but I did nothing. I just was sitting on my bed, playing on my laptop when the twitching started and then it was sore the next day. Now this soreness continues. I am going to try and call my PCP’s office tomorrow and see if the neurosurgeon got back to my PCP. If not, I will call my neurosurgeon and see if I can make an appointment. I really like this guy. He is nice and very caring, which is rare in the surgeon world. My surgeon before him had the bedside manner of a peapod. I didn’t like him at all. But it was an emergency situation so I didn’t choose this moron. I didn’t choose the second one either (nice surgeon). My PCP got him because he was on call. I lucked out because he was rated top pediatric neurosurgeon in the country. I know I am no longer a pediatric patient but I still want him as my doc. We’ll see tomorrow. I just hope the guy isn’t on vacation.

I will never buy Stop and Shop protein bars again. They definitely were not what I was expecting. It was a granola bar with chocolate packed with nuts. I was looking for something like PowerBar Protein bars where you have chocolate and the inside is peanut butter (or some other protein packed filling). I felt like I was eating a candy bar. A Yodel would have been better and more filling. I am so disappointed.

I have to read my Lincoln book at some point today. I feel like if I don’t read a book every day, I am just wasting my time during the day. Even if I just read a few pages, that is all that I want to do. But I have a pile of books to read, especially on Kindle. I really want to finish American Gods so I can get back to Dostoevsky. I want to read Brothers Karamazov. I got a collection of Dostoevsky’s works for like 2.99 months ago and I haven’t touched the collection since then. Every one on Twitter was talking about American Gods so I got that book. The book is creepy and has a lot of sex scenes. It’s definitely not children’s material like I thought it was. I also have a two John Grisham books (one on Kindle, the other a hard cover) that I haven’t read. I was a very avid Grisham reader until I lost interest in books for a while. I thought he stopped writing but when I was at work, a friend of mine was reading a book that I didn’t read and I found a LOT of new books by him. The last book I remember reading from him was Skipping Christmas. That was a fun book. It was the first non-lawyer book that he wrote. I really enjoy his writing.

I haven’t done anything to do with hygiene today. I haven’t showered in days and I didn’t brush my teeth today. I was going to this morning but told myself I would do it “later”. “Later” still hasn’t come yet. My mother is taking a shower so I think she is going out tonight. I think it’s my cousin’s birthday. I never get invited and even if I did, I usually don’t go so it’s okay. I might take a shower later tonight before I go to bed.

Random 234

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 234

I haven’t been able to nap all day. It’s probably going to be a long day if I don’t get some sleep. My back has been bothering me most of the day more than my thigh or foot/ankle. I guess it didn’t like it when I emptied my trash can in my room. So my plans for going out today got smashed to smithereens. I think I am getting a cold anyways so resting is probably the best thing I can do for now. I also increased my vitamin D. I really don’t want to get a chest thing. I hate having a cold. It’s evil. And there is nothing you can do about it until it passes. But my sleep being off and not really drinking enough has really brought my defenses down. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea in a little bit.

I was reading Twitter and the Menninger Clinic published some data that proved some data decreased depression. I read the article and the inpatient length of stay was 45 days. I had to fricken laugh because you are lucky to be inpatient for at least 48 hours around here. If I was hospitalized for 45 days or so, I think my depression might decrease as well. Even if you have the best insurance, you are not going to be hospitalized or receive “treatment” on an inpatient unit for 45 days and you are definitely not going to get any follow up care. There just aren’t enough psych units or beds to hold someone for 45 days. There are enough backups in the psych ED and other hospital ERs that are looking for beds. There is a real crisis and I don’t think these outcomes this particular clinic has is representative of the system. And if they think they are, they are just fooling themselves.

I didn’t receive a call from my doctor’s office like I was supposed to. I didn’t call either. I will wait till I see my PCP on Wednesday. It’s going to be a lot to cram in as it’s my last visit with him. I might call on Monday and see what the hold up is. I knew getting seen within a week was a fallacy, especially when I didn’t see my doctor to begin with. I’m too depressed to care.

I’m tired of fighting pain all the time. I don’t know when my back pain is going to get resolved. I will have a conniption if I am sent back to physical therapy for it. I can do the exercises at home, I know them by heart. It won’t help at all and might even harm me. I think I just need a good massage, especially in the back of my hip.

I still want to go ahead with my plan to end my life. I just don’t see the point of going on when I am either facing increased pain and misery or going under the knife again and facing permanent disability again. I just can’t face it.

Scared and Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scared and Nervous

My left leg is still giving me grief. I thought it was getting better but that was a false feeling of security. My mother had some shopping done yesterday and I went up and down the stairs more than a few times. It aggravated my leg. Now the pain won’t stop and I can barely stand up straight. Last night, my leg was twitching again. I am freaking out. The last time I felt this way, I had cauda equina syndrome. I don’t know what I am going to do if I have it again. Last night I dreamt all I needed was physical therapy. I wish that was the treatment for it. My psychiatrist wrote back to me. She thinks it could just be sciatica. I have never known sciatica to be on the front of a leg, but it is possible I guess. Still, with my back problems, I would like to have an MRI to make sure that I am okay.

Going down the stairs is awful. I am in so much pain. Going up, not so much. Seems whenever I flex my thigh, it hurts really bad. I will be calling my doc today, after my therapist appointment. I hope I can be seen today. Tomorrow will suck because I have to deal with dear old father. I refuse to call him a “dad” because he never acted like one. He doesn’t deserve the title.

I have been up since 0500. I woke up around two hours ago but was able to get back to sleep. But now the pain has come back and I was hungry so I stayed up. I was able to brush my teeth and then have a bowl of cereal. I just took some pain meds to try and get my pain under control. I am so nervous about this being a bad omen that I can’t really sleep. The anxiety of not knowing is killing me. I wish you could just walk in an MRI place and just get an MRI instead of going to a doctor. That would make life so much easier. But you need money to do that and I don’t have it.

I hope that my insurances cover the cost of the MRI. I really don’t want a bill. That is what I am most worried about. I am worried about that more than I am about what is wrong with me. Then if I need surgery, I think I might forego the medicare part and just use my BCBS. I really don’t want to get stuck with a bill for surgery, if I need it. Course, if I do need surgery, I think I will try and kill myself. There is no way I will have back surgery for the 5th time.

I saw my doctor today for my leg pain. They just told me to take Neurontin and follow up with my neurosurgeon. Why they couldn’t order MRIs is beyond my train of thought. I feel like they were passing the buck. It wasn’t my normal doctor that I saw today. He wasn’t available. I see him next week anyways. I am sure I could probably coach him on ordering an MRI. Damn idiots. I knew I should have gone to the ER on Sunday. They would have done the scan.