Tag: chronic illness

hot day in Oct

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hot day for Oct

I had a rough time trying to go to sleep as any movement of my ankle/foot caused pain. I eventually did fall asleep and then woke up after 8. I took my pain and BP meds. My bowels were awful. I kept having to go so I took some Imodium after the second trip. Then I fell back to sleep until my loud mouth aunts came to see my mother. Apparently, my cousins were throwing one of my cousins who was pregnant a brunch. No one told me this. I got up after the loud mouths left and had some sliders.

My sister made my mother a plate so she had that for lunch. I’m still full so haven’t made supper. It was nice out so my brother in law decided to work on our heat system. My room is like 90 degrees with the AC cranking on full blast. It’s so hot in my room. I think he is trying to get all the air out of the system or something. I don’t know. He was telling my mother towards the end of last winter that a plumber needed to fix the system so why he is doing this, I have no fricken clue. I hate the heat. I am not in a good mood right now.

The Red Sox have named a former player as their manager. They fired their manager, John Farrell, after they didn’t advance in the playoffs. I hope the 2018 season is better but only time will tell. I really liked John and will miss him.

I emailed my psych really late last night to tell her I had a date. I didn’t tell her what it was, I never do as it can change like the weather. I have therapy tomorrow. I had told him that the 30th would be our last session. I didn’t tell him why and he didn’t ask. I’m sure we will talk about it tomorrow.

I wanted to take down my recycle today but keep forgetting about it. Think I’ll just put it in a trash bag and when that is full it will be easier to bring down. I can just throw it down the stairs without having to carry it.

Because it’s been so hot in my room, I’ve been chugging water. Hope this doesn’t lead to being up all night going to the bathroom. I have been having a low pain day so far but I really haven’t done much. I mostly been sleeping other than going down to the bridal shower for some snacks. I was glad they didn’t have anymore donuts. Those are my nemesis right now. I had bought a pumpkin donut from the local donut shop. I left it in the paper bag for about 2 days and the grease was awful. It soaked up the bag and I was like eewww. Not buying them again.

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.

PT, painsomnia, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PT, painsomnia, and other things

I had a rough night sleeping because of pain. I didn’t get to sleep till around 0400. It was really bad. I had set my alarm for 8 so that I could take my blood pressure pill. I have been bad in taking it in the morning. I also set the alarm for 11 so I could possibly make something to eat before going to my PT appt. I was too tired to do that when the alarm went off. I didn’t want to get up. My ankle bone was hurting me. I really wanted to stay in but it was too late to cancel.

I played on my phone for a bit and then got dressed. It was warmer than it was yesterday, but not by much. I decided to wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It was too warm for the sweatshirt and I took it off when I got to the PT office. The PT wanted me to give her an update on how I was. I told her I was in pain and for the past few days, it has been really bad. She wanted to know some things and I told her. Then she went over some things she wants me to do. She gave me some exercises to do for my back. My back didn’t like it after three tries. I had written down a lot of stuff so I could remember what to do. It’s not that hard but It all depends on my pain levels. My foot/ankle were really hurting by the time I left and then waiting for the bus didn’t help. The bus I took home had a maniac driver. He was heavy on the gas. I didn’t get up until the bus stopped when it came to my stop.

I am really tired and I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her that I will be begging my PCP for a longer acting pain med or I might kill myself. I’ve had enough. I can’t go on this way. I’m going to take my night meds and go to sleep. Till tomorrow all