Tag: chronic pain

write the pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Write the pain.

For those that are frequent blog readers, you know I write about my pain, physical and emotional, most, if not all, the time. It has been the cornerstone of my blog. I can articulate what few can and my readers like what I write because they can relate.

Writing about pain has been a staple of my blog. It seems I cannot write without some measure of pain. It can be the pain associated with depression. It can be the pain associated with the chronic pain condition that I have. It can be a pain that keeps me awake at night. The pain that tears at you and is unrelenting. Whatever type of pain that I have been feeling, it has caused frustration, anguish, despair, suicidal thoughts, and agony. It makes you dread waking up in the morning. It makes you want to sleep forever, to have this escape of no consciousness. It wears you out. And exhausts you. It causes you to be unmotivated. To want to stay in bed and not face the day. But for me, it also has been the stimulus behind so many writings. I write about my darkness that is a short story. I write about the chronic pain and suicide ideation that happens frequently.

Pain has been sadly, the inspiration to write this blog because it causes such dark thoughts, and by dark thoughts I don’t mean just depressive thoughts. I’m talking about suicide ideation. Thoughts that make you think you would be better off dead than to continue living. Dark thoughts of suicide, the ones where you cannot express in normal conversation. Most of my dark thoughts are expressed in this blog because the therapist hours do not occur between 11 PM and 3 AM. It’s hard to find any here to listen between those hours. So I read about the pain. I write and I write till I am succumbed by pain meds or psych meds or exhaustion. I write the pain. Because if I did not have this outlet, the dark thoughts would take over. And I would cease to exist.

Pain is exhausting, be it physical or emotional. And to have both occur at the same time is just torture. When the meds don’t work, when the pain is overwhelming, when all you feel is anguish and misery, that is what causes you to feel like life is not worth living. Writing helps to express what I cannot it sort of makes life more bearable as the father of suicidology has said many times, decreased the psychache (pain), decreased the suicide. I have found writing the pain decreases in my dark thoughts. This doesn’t mean I have found a life worth living. It just means life is more bearable for me.

rough patch

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up again before seven o’clock. This is getting so old. I know that if I had somewhere to go at that time, I would not be waking up so early. I made breakfast at eight and then I took some pain medication as my ankle was hurting. I then fell asleep for a few hours. I did not want to get up. I wanted to stay in bed but I had to get moving in order to get some journaling done before my pdoc appointment.

While I was there I was contacted by the editor of the AAS blog to see if I had any writing that I wanted to submit. I told her I would have something in a week. But it turns out it will be less than that as I worked on it on the train. Wrote about four pages between five stops on the Red Line. And I think it is pretty good. Now I just got to type it up and edit it. I wrote about chronic pain and suicide. I think it is an area that is often overlooked by people who attempt suicide. Course when I submit this, I don’t know when it will be published. But will let you know when I do.

My pdoc appointment went well. No med changes. Everything is status quo. I wonder why I bother going to see her. It just is annoying because I feel so frustrated that all she can do is support me right now because there isn’t a medication that will help me. Like this depression that I was in. Luckily I seem to be coming out of it as my thoughts are faster than they were. I can write without it being painful. If it was I would be complaining about it. But there would really be nothing she could do about it. I forgot to tell her about the increase in anxiety I have been having but did tell her I want to drink more. She didn’t like that but understood. And as long as I don’t go through with it, I think I will be ok. But it’s tough because I feel the need to do something. No, I don’t think alcohol will solve my problems but it might just help me get through this rough patch. I am not advocating for this to anyone. But for me, if it works, then so be it. I go through periods of drinking and then I stop so I am not worried about it.

I gave in to buying Dragon Naturally Speaking. I am hoping the software comes soon so I can “type” up the story I wrote by speaking it. I also bought a headphone set made specifically for speech but they had the wrong adapter. Instead of it being a “single-entry” it was a double entry. Meaning you needed two points, a mic jack and a speaker jack. My laptop just has one jack so I can’t use it. I can use it on my old laptop but then I wouldn’t need the new software because I have the older version of Dragon.

I got my mocha today and it didn’t give the jitters like I was thinking it would. I did have another hypoglycemic attack because I didn’t have lunch. I was starving by the time I got home so I had a cinnamon bun to tie me over until I made dinner. I swear sometimes I think it would be better if I was in the hospital so I didn’t forget to eat.

really vulnerable right now

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, psychosis, suicidality

Had a painful day today. I am very sore from my fall that I took yesterday. Walking is more difficult now because my knee and thigh are involved in giving me pain.

I feel lousy because I still have this cold. I don’t know if it is getting better or worse, but it definitely isn’t going away. I have been taking vitamin D supplements to try and boost my immune system. And no that is not a typo, I meant D. I participated in a trial of vitamin D to help boost immune function and it does work. Since I have been taking it, I have not had bronchitis or pneumonia. It does lessen the effect of the cold but I have been lax in taking it every day.

Voices are still around taunting me. I am trying not to listen to them but it is so tiring to do so. My defenses are already down because of this cold that I got and my pain threshold has been increased. I am just really vulnerable right now.

I emailed my PCP’s office the other night and got a response. I had to laugh and ask myself, did they even read the message?? I told them the nerve block didn’t work and I was not going to see another specialist ever again for my ankle problem. Or have another test done. The nurse writes back “oh I see you have further tests to be done and see a neurologist”. I am like WTF are you kidding me lady!! Did I have to SPELL it out that I am DONE with anything anyone else can think of that is causing me this pain and not help me with it??? My pain meds are working and that is all I fucking care about. Just as long as my doc continues to prescribe them, there isn’t going to be any problems.

I got an email from my pharmacy saying that my medicine, which I just put in a refill on, is out of stock. So today I call to see if it has come in and find out the manufacturer is having problems making it. I am like what??? I heard about this shit happening but not to my medication!! I have enough to cover me and hopefully it comes in tomorrow but if not I don’t know what I am going to do. I need my Ativan! I hate having to ration it and just take it if I really need it. I might have to use more Neurontin to cover my issues as lately it has been helping me with sleep.

Been up since six this morning. I hate waking up this early and I didn’t take a nap today. I am really cranky. I made myself breakfast, like I always do. I might have breakfast for dinner. I am too lazy to make something else. My specialty is fried egg sandwich. Used to be scrambled egg but now it’s fried egg, once I learned how to turn the egg over, LOL. It is not an easy thing to do without breaking the yolk! And I love the yolk. Probably why my cholesterol is high but I don’t care. I just read something today that said that having chronic depressive episodes is “causally linked” to heart disease. So if I am going to have a heart attack that kills me before I kill myself, I am for it! But I wonder if the reverse might be true, that heart disease causes depression?? HMM there is something to ponder! But then you have the health junkies that die of a heart attack so I don’t get it.

Tonight, which is soon, all I am going to do is watch the TV show MASH and laugh. I love that show.

Oh and I forgot…today is my thirteen anniversary of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. 13 years ago today I lost my ability to walk and within a month got it back but I had to have back surgery to have that happen.

feeling anxious about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I had made another copy of my manuscript today to go over it a little. I wanted to see if anything struck me so I can add to it or fix it a little before the editor sees it. A fellow blogger has kindly volunteered to read over the book and get back to me with comments about it. I should hear from her in a week or so.

I was so anxious about all that I had to do and what went on with my appointments from last week and the depressive weekend I had, I called my therapist for a session. We talked about the book and we agreed to take it like thirty pages at time or chapter by chapter. Some chapters are short so I think going by pages will be better.

We also talked about the appointments that I made for this week. I have the appointment with the podiatrist on Thursday morning at the crack of dawn. It was the first available appointment and I want to get this over with so I took the 7:15 am slot. Means I have to get up really early but I have been waking up early the past few weeks so it shouldn’t be a big deal, least I hope it won’t be. I also called the dentist, the appointment I have been most dreading for months now. I got the appointment tomorrow morning at 8. Just lovely. I know I am going to get reprimanded by not brushing every day and not brushing well on my back teeth. I just got to hope I don’t have a cavity. I will have to take an Ativan tomorrow because I know I will be freaking out with the scraping. It has been at least three years since my last dental visit so I am sure there is plenty of stuff to scrape. UGH. But I got these appointments out of the way and as long as the bus shows up when it is supposed to, I should be able to make the podiatry appointment Thursday without any problems. I just hope I don’t have to go for xrays or an MRI. I have had enough of those for a lifetime.

My mood today has sucked. Even my latte wasn’t great today as I almost chucked it up after drinking it. I don’t know why I am so gaggy today. I smell certain things and I gag. The worst was the trash today. YUCK! Luckily the contents of my stomach stayed in my stomach today. But it was just an uncomfortable thing to go through. I hope I am not getting a migraine. I really don’t feel like it but that could account for the nausea.

Found out today that my therapist broke her knee cap when she fell on some ice. I feel bad. But it’s good she doesn’t have to have it surgically repaired. She just has to wear a brace for a while until it heals.

I still am feeling anxious about things. I am nervous about the podiatry appointment because I didn’t think I was going to get in this week. I think I am going to be taking a lot more Ativan this week than I usually do. With the dental appointment and the podiatry in the same week, there is no doubt about it.