Tag: chronic pain

feeling anxious about things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I had made another copy of my manuscript today to go over it a little. I wanted to see if anything struck me so I can add to it or fix it a little before the editor sees it. A fellow blogger has kindly volunteered to read over the book and get back to me with comments about it. I should hear from her in a week or so.

I was so anxious about all that I had to do and what went on with my appointments from last week and the depressive weekend I had, I called my therapist for a session. We talked about the book and we agreed to take it like thirty pages at time or chapter by chapter. Some chapters are short so I think going by pages will be better.

We also talked about the appointments that I made for this week. I have the appointment with the podiatrist on Thursday morning at the crack of dawn. It was the first available appointment and I want to get this over with so I took the 7:15 am slot. Means I have to get up really early but I have been waking up early the past few weeks so it shouldn’t be a big deal, least I hope it won’t be. I also called the dentist, the appointment I have been most dreading for months now. I got the appointment tomorrow morning at 8. Just lovely. I know I am going to get reprimanded by not brushing every day and not brushing well on my back teeth. I just got to hope I don’t have a cavity. I will have to take an Ativan tomorrow because I know I will be freaking out with the scraping. It has been at least three years since my last dental visit so I am sure there is plenty of stuff to scrape. UGH. But I got these appointments out of the way and as long as the bus shows up when it is supposed to, I should be able to make the podiatry appointment Thursday without any problems. I just hope I don’t have to go for xrays or an MRI. I have had enough of those for a lifetime.

My mood today has sucked. Even my latte wasn’t great today as I almost chucked it up after drinking it. I don’t know why I am so gaggy today. I smell certain things and I gag. The worst was the trash today. YUCK! Luckily the contents of my stomach stayed in my stomach today. But it was just an uncomfortable thing to go through. I hope I am not getting a migraine. I really don’t feel like it but that could account for the nausea.

Found out today that my therapist broke her knee cap when she fell on some ice. I feel bad. But it’s good she doesn’t have to have it surgically repaired. She just has to wear a brace for a while until it heals.

I still am feeling anxious about things. I am nervous about the podiatry appointment because I didn’t think I was going to get in this week. I think I am going to be taking a lot more Ativan this week than I usually do. With the dental appointment and the podiatry in the same week, there is no doubt about it.

Ankle Chronicles 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, medical, physical pain

Ankle Chronicles 5

I overdid things today, big time. My foot has been throbbing since I came home at two. I knew after I went downstairs to get the mail it would be the last trip I would make for the day as my ankle just said a big fuck you. I am feeling out of sorts and just maybe going a little nuts as I keep thinking my foot is talking to me. It is really angry at me and I keep wondering why the hell didn’t I sit down more today while waiting for the stupid bus. I had a half hour to kill. I was bored. So I walked to the meat market thinking I would get some steak tips for dinner but they were really expensive. It’s just my mother and I. I don’t need like fifteen pounds of tips. That was all they had and they were like twenty bucks. I suppose I could have frozen them now that I think about it. But I knew I would forget about them and I would be the only one to eat them as my mother doesn’t like steak anymore.

I have been writing in my journal about how angry my foot is at me and I keep thinking why. I know it is because I stood for a long time, but I am wondering why I had to have nerve damage in this foot. Compared to my right, it’s like it is louder than my right. I hardly notice that I feel my foot. My left is constantly screaming hello, I am here!! But that is it. I can’t talk back to it. I can’t tell it to shut up. I can’t tell it to go shove off. At times, I feel like it isn’t my own, that it belongs to someone else. I am not feeling that way now. I just want it to stop throbbing and burning. From my ankle bone down to my toes is a constant, heated throb. And I don’t mean heated as in upset. I mean heat as in hot fire. My ankle and foot feel like it is on fire. It’s not, I can assure you but it just feels like it is. I so want to take some Neurontin tonight and I might. Now the stabbing pains start. Someone is stabbing me with a knife in between the bones on the top of my foot. I can’t breath. The pain is really bad. I can’t move my toes anymore and that has set off some PTSD symptoms for me so I am in a hypervigilant state. I need to take some Ativan to calm me down. I would take some more pain meds but it’s too early. I just took my last dose about three hours ago. I am supposed to take the pills every six hours. I might be passed out from the pain but that is unlikely to happen with my anxiety being high. I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter the past few hours to try and keep my mood even keel. I need to take something but I don’t know what to take. I am so distraught and the hopelessness has started to fill my soul. I need sleep. I need something to distract me from this pain.

I remember what my life was like before pain hit me. I was an active person. I was working. Now I have just become this hobbled person. I just can’t stand it. Every night it is the same thing. Every day I have to put my foot out of the blankets only to put them back in a little while later. No matter what I do there is no pleasing it anymore. I can’t even ice it because it just makes it very cold and screws up the nerve pain even more. I wish it was a clear case of CRPS but no, it’s got to be half a fricken case. A mild case. Or maybe not a case at all. Maybe this pain is all in my fricken head and I am crazy. I just know that I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to do stuff for more than a few minutes. I want to be able to walk without restraint. But that isn’t going to happen anymore. Hasn’t happen in three years and every time I push myself to go farther, it always backfires. Which sucks because the depression is lifting and I have all kinds of energy but no place to put it. I feel like such an imbecile.

Fuck it, I am taking my meds early. To hell with the consequences. I am in deep and serious pain that is driving me fucking nuts and I don’t care anymore.

this is me swallowing my pride

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I worked on my book and I think that it is a good book. It might not make the New York Times list but as long as it sells 100 copies I will be happy.

I have been in a disgruntled mood. My therapist never got back to me because of her commitments yesterday. I just wish she could have texted me something so I wasn’t hanging all day. I am not having so many flashback symptoms but I think that has more to do with not being in a lot of pain today. I have been experiencing more side effects from the Abilify than anything. I have to take Ativan to deal with it. And it makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. But as long as it takes away this rubber band feeling, I don’t care. I can’t lower my dose because the psychosis will come back, and quickly like it did before. I also don’t want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet. I am hoping they will settle down some so I won’t have to. Not much she can do about it anyways other than tell me to take Ativan. If that doesn’t work, I am sure I can take benedryl to help. I have the need to be snowed anyways. I have been in an awful frame of mind and my stupid therapist wants to activate Mr. Hyde. WTF, really?? My suicidality has been on an all time low and you want to activate the demons? I was toying with her today about it. But it’s not going to happen. I can’t risk taking my life for no reason. I have an appointment with her all this week to make up for Monday I guess. And next week she is trying to get me to open up about the personal reason why I need the 17th off.

I need the 17th off so that I can think. It is going to be a very depressing day for me. And I want to spend it alone, without having therapy. I think I am going to finish drinking the rest of my crown royal bottle. I think alcohol will go nicely with the end of thinking of suicide, but no one has to know about it. I don’t want anyone to know the real reason. My therapist doesn’t read my blogs unless I send them to her. So I am safe.

I have no idea if what I wrote makes any sense. Please leave comments if you think this is a good idea or if I should see my therapist on the day that I am not going to be thinking of ending my life anymore.

I don’t know what this blog is going to be like after I set this into motion. I know there will be blogs where I talk about death. It is the nature of this beast called pain. And of course the first song from my “Just Taylor” playlist is “back to December”. “so this is me swallowing my pride…”

about CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Very interesting article I found from the Facebook page about CRPS

The lack of awareness about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome has led to many myths. These myths can hurt the perception of CRPS that other people have. Here are seven myths about CRPS and the facts to dispel them.

Myth #1: CRPS is a rare/new disorder.

Fact: CRPS has been around for approximately 145 years. Doctor Silas Mitchell Weir and his collegues first wrote about CRPS during the Civil War. Some of the names it has been known by are: Causalgia, Post-traumatic Dystrophy, Shoulder-hand Syndrome and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. In 1995 the International Association for the Study of Pain(IASP)felt Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy did not adequately represent the whole of the disorder. They changed the name to Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

Myth #2: CRPS does not spread.

Fact: In 70% of the cases of CRPS, it spread from the original location. It can affect any part of the body, including internal organs.

Myth #3: CRPS will go away in six month, a year, or 2 years.

Fact: Once you have CRPS, you have it for life. There is no cure and at this time, the treatments for this chronic condition do not work for everyone. If you are one of the lucky ones who go into remission, it can come back if there is another injury or for no reason at all.

Myth #4: Opioids do not help the pain of CRPS.

Fact: Using opioid medications can be very effective in lowering the pain level. They are used to help control the pain level in order to allow the patient to go to physical therapy. They also allow a patient to have a somewhat normal life. Without them, most patients would not be able to move or participate in daily life.

Myth #5: CRPS is a psychiatric disorder.

Fact: The pain is very real, as are the symptoms associated with it. No one can see the pain, but there are physical signs such as, color changes of the skin, loss of hair, and osteoporosis. Sometimes atrophy or contracture of the limb is also present. This myth is widespread among medical professionals.

Myth #6: Minor injuries do not cause CRPS, only major ones do.

Fact: The number one cause of CRPS is a minor injury or surgery. A sprain or broken bone are often the reasons heard when asking, “How did you get CRPS?” Minor surgery is a common reason as well. Surgeries for carpal tunnel, or to remove a neuroma from the foot.

Myth #7: If you don not get pain relief from a sympathetic nerve block you do not have CRPS.

Fact: Getting no pain relief from a block only means the pain is SIP, Sympathetically Independent Pain. Patients who get pain relief from a block have SMP, Sympathetically Maintained Pain. A series of blocks may be successful in putting CRPS into remission. It also may result in longer periods of relief with each block. This myth has caused delayed treatment for many people. — atSurviving CRPS & Chronic Pain, Our Personal Journeys.