Tag: chronic pain

Ankle Chronicles 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, medical, physical pain

Ankle Chronicles 5

I overdid things today, big time. My foot has been throbbing since I came home at two. I knew after I went downstairs to get the mail it would be the last trip I would make for the day as my ankle just said a big fuck you. I am feeling out of sorts and just maybe going a little nuts as I keep thinking my foot is talking to me. It is really angry at me and I keep wondering why the hell didn’t I sit down more today while waiting for the stupid bus. I had a half hour to kill. I was bored. So I walked to the meat market thinking I would get some steak tips for dinner but they were really expensive. It’s just my mother and I. I don’t need like fifteen pounds of tips. That was all they had and they were like twenty bucks. I suppose I could have frozen them now that I think about it. But I knew I would forget about them and I would be the only one to eat them as my mother doesn’t like steak anymore.

I have been writing in my journal about how angry my foot is at me and I keep thinking why. I know it is because I stood for a long time, but I am wondering why I had to have nerve damage in this foot. Compared to my right, it’s like it is louder than my right. I hardly notice that I feel my foot. My left is constantly screaming hello, I am here!! But that is it. I can’t talk back to it. I can’t tell it to shut up. I can’t tell it to go shove off. At times, I feel like it isn’t my own, that it belongs to someone else. I am not feeling that way now. I just want it to stop throbbing and burning. From my ankle bone down to my toes is a constant, heated throb. And I don’t mean heated as in upset. I mean heat as in hot fire. My ankle and foot feel like it is on fire. It’s not, I can assure you but it just feels like it is. I so want to take some Neurontin tonight and I might. Now the stabbing pains start. Someone is stabbing me with a knife in between the bones on the top of my foot. I can’t breath. The pain is really bad. I can’t move my toes anymore and that has set off some PTSD symptoms for me so I am in a hypervigilant state. I need to take some Ativan to calm me down. I would take some more pain meds but it’s too early. I just took my last dose about three hours ago. I am supposed to take the pills every six hours. I might be passed out from the pain but that is unlikely to happen with my anxiety being high. I have been listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter the past few hours to try and keep my mood even keel. I need to take something but I don’t know what to take. I am so distraught and the hopelessness has started to fill my soul. I need sleep. I need something to distract me from this pain.

I remember what my life was like before pain hit me. I was an active person. I was working. Now I have just become this hobbled person. I just can’t stand it. Every night it is the same thing. Every day I have to put my foot out of the blankets only to put them back in a little while later. No matter what I do there is no pleasing it anymore. I can’t even ice it because it just makes it very cold and screws up the nerve pain even more. I wish it was a clear case of CRPS but no, it’s got to be half a fricken case. A mild case. Or maybe not a case at all. Maybe this pain is all in my fricken head and I am crazy. I just know that I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to do stuff for more than a few minutes. I want to be able to walk without restraint. But that isn’t going to happen anymore. Hasn’t happen in three years and every time I push myself to go farther, it always backfires. Which sucks because the depression is lifting and I have all kinds of energy but no place to put it. I feel like such an imbecile.

Fuck it, I am taking my meds early. To hell with the consequences. I am in deep and serious pain that is driving me fucking nuts and I don’t care anymore.

this is me swallowing my pride

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I worked on my book and I think that it is a good book. It might not make the New York Times list but as long as it sells 100 copies I will be happy.

I have been in a disgruntled mood. My therapist never got back to me because of her commitments yesterday. I just wish she could have texted me something so I wasn’t hanging all day. I am not having so many flashback symptoms but I think that has more to do with not being in a lot of pain today. I have been experiencing more side effects from the Abilify than anything. I have to take Ativan to deal with it. And it makes me feel sluggish and sleepy. But as long as it takes away this rubber band feeling, I don’t care. I can’t lower my dose because the psychosis will come back, and quickly like it did before. I also don’t want to be in the hospital for Christmas. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet. I am hoping they will settle down some so I won’t have to. Not much she can do about it anyways other than tell me to take Ativan. If that doesn’t work, I am sure I can take benedryl to help. I have the need to be snowed anyways. I have been in an awful frame of mind and my stupid therapist wants to activate Mr. Hyde. WTF, really?? My suicidality has been on an all time low and you want to activate the demons? I was toying with her today about it. But it’s not going to happen. I can’t risk taking my life for no reason. I have an appointment with her all this week to make up for Monday I guess. And next week she is trying to get me to open up about the personal reason why I need the 17th off.

I need the 17th off so that I can think. It is going to be a very depressing day for me. And I want to spend it alone, without having therapy. I think I am going to finish drinking the rest of my crown royal bottle. I think alcohol will go nicely with the end of thinking of suicide, but no one has to know about it. I don’t want anyone to know the real reason. My therapist doesn’t read my blogs unless I send them to her. So I am safe.

I have no idea if what I wrote makes any sense. Please leave comments if you think this is a good idea or if I should see my therapist on the day that I am not going to be thinking of ending my life anymore.

I don’t know what this blog is going to be like after I set this into motion. I know there will be blogs where I talk about death. It is the nature of this beast called pain. And of course the first song from my “Just Taylor” playlist is “back to December”. “so this is me swallowing my pride…”

about CRPS

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Very interesting article I found from the Facebook page about CRPS

The lack of awareness about Complex Regional Pain Syndrome has led to many myths. These myths can hurt the perception of CRPS that other people have. Here are seven myths about CRPS and the facts to dispel them.

Myth #1: CRPS is a rare/new disorder.

Fact: CRPS has been around for approximately 145 years. Doctor Silas Mitchell Weir and his collegues first wrote about CRPS during the Civil War. Some of the names it has been known by are: Causalgia, Post-traumatic Dystrophy, Shoulder-hand Syndrome and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. In 1995 the International Association for the Study of Pain(IASP)felt Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy did not adequately represent the whole of the disorder. They changed the name to Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

Myth #2: CRPS does not spread.

Fact: In 70% of the cases of CRPS, it spread from the original location. It can affect any part of the body, including internal organs.

Myth #3: CRPS will go away in six month, a year, or 2 years.

Fact: Once you have CRPS, you have it for life. There is no cure and at this time, the treatments for this chronic condition do not work for everyone. If you are one of the lucky ones who go into remission, it can come back if there is another injury or for no reason at all.

Myth #4: Opioids do not help the pain of CRPS.

Fact: Using opioid medications can be very effective in lowering the pain level. They are used to help control the pain level in order to allow the patient to go to physical therapy. They also allow a patient to have a somewhat normal life. Without them, most patients would not be able to move or participate in daily life.

Myth #5: CRPS is a psychiatric disorder.

Fact: The pain is very real, as are the symptoms associated with it. No one can see the pain, but there are physical signs such as, color changes of the skin, loss of hair, and osteoporosis. Sometimes atrophy or contracture of the limb is also present. This myth is widespread among medical professionals.

Myth #6: Minor injuries do not cause CRPS, only major ones do.

Fact: The number one cause of CRPS is a minor injury or surgery. A sprain or broken bone are often the reasons heard when asking, “How did you get CRPS?” Minor surgery is a common reason as well. Surgeries for carpal tunnel, or to remove a neuroma from the foot.

Myth #7: If you don not get pain relief from a sympathetic nerve block you do not have CRPS.

Fact: Getting no pain relief from a block only means the pain is SIP, Sympathetically Independent Pain. Patients who get pain relief from a block have SMP, Sympathetically Maintained Pain. A series of blocks may be successful in putting CRPS into remission. It also may result in longer periods of relief with each block. This myth has caused delayed treatment for many people. — atSurviving CRPS & Chronic Pain, Our Personal Journeys.

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?