Tag: chronic physical pain

another scorching day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Another scorchering day

It’s so hot my AC can’t keep up. It’s cool in my room but not cold. Humidity is up to 47% un my room. It is muggy to say the least. I hate it. And it is only the beginning of June! Summer hasn’t even started yet. Boston has consistently gone from freezing to hot temps the last few years. I hate it. Just last weekend we had the heat on it was so cold. I didn’t go outside much today. I drank my coffee on my porch and then realized why I don’t do this on a hot day. I was sweating so much from being outside for just a few minutes. I need to take a shower and I will after I have my dinner.

I had therapy today. We discussed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Apparently it has been in my record for some time. I didn’t know that. I am still upset about it because of the stigma attached to the diagnosis. She agreed to take it off her notes but can’t do much about what others have written. She said that I feel empty which is a major component of the diagnosis. I do at times but it isn’t all the damn time. Most of the time I feel numb and depressed. She also said that I am angry at her a lot of the time. WTF I would love to know when I have been angry at her. If she has been taking my shutting down as being angry with her, she is dead wrong. I shut down because I don’t know what to say after I have been called out. It takes me a while to recover and come up with something to say. It is easier for me to say nothing than to react.

I asked for a couple weeks break and she reluctantly agreed. I probably won’t need that long to collect myself but I need some time off for a bit. We briefly discussed getting another therapist but she said there would be no one at the institution to give me the time I need/want. For a few days I thought we were on the same page in ending but I guess it isn’t the way I think it is. I am still so fearful she is going to end on me.

Hope the T storms cool things down. It is supposed to roll through sometime this evening. It is crazy hot in the house. I think the house is hotter than outside. I got a headache and a backache right now. Hope the two aren’t related. All I did was put some toilet paper in the bathroom so was walking around the house. I got my AC on full power at the lowest setting and it’s still humid in my room. I don’t think I am going to shower today. My back hurts too much to stand even for 10 minutes. I will try and take it in the morning. I have PT in the evening. It’s supposed to rain all day.

waking up in the morning sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Waking up in the morning sucks

I woke up at 7 because I had to pee and I have been up since. I took my shot and my morning meds. I had difficulty drawing the syringe today. The plunger on the needle didn’t want to move so it was hard to draw. I hate when that happens. After taking my meds, I went downstairs to shut the fucking kettle off as my mother just let the thing whistle. I am so damn annoyed. I hate sounds and I just glared at my mother when I saw her. She had nothing to say. I got my coffee cup and made coffee. I had ordered donuts last night so I had that for breakfast. I left them in the box and they were kind of hard this morning. They were still good though.

Today I am going to try and take my recycling out of my room and put it in the bins. I also need to take my trash out. I need to shower today and I might trim my beard. Depends on my energy level. It doesn’t take too long to do but there is always a few hairs that I miss that I need to do the next day. LOL

I bought a new book called “When it is darkest” by Rory O’Connor. He is a suicide researcher that I have been following for years now. The book is about suicide and prevention. I can’t wait to start it but I already have three books that I started and none that are close to being finished. I really need to “schedule” reading time otherwise I just don’t read. I had to do this the last time I read a book and it worked out. I would make note of the time I started and read a chapter. If I finished less than an hour, I would read another chapter. I find this helps me keep track of my time and reading. I have a kindle book that I started but I don’t think I am going to finish it. There are too many words I don’t know because the book is written about the Middle East area and uses words to describe things that I just don’t understand. Thing is, I don’t know if the word is really a word or a made up one and I really don’t want to be spending time looking up words in the dictionary because it just distracts me. If a movie comes out about it, I will see the movie. The book is too hard to read.

The books I am currently reading is Dune, a baseball history book, and Sooley, John Grisham’s new book. I like the baseball history book and will read more than a chapter at a time with it. But sometimes it gets my mind going and thinking and I have to pause to reflect on it and where I want to go with it. With Dune, I am trying to remember what it is about as I have not seen it since I was a kid and kind of found it scary with the sandworms. I know Patrick Stewart played in it and I loved the movie but it has been so damn long, I forgot what it was about. I never read the book before so this should be interesting. Sooley has been interesting, like all John Grisham novels. It is about my 2nd favorite sport, basketball so I am all for it.

My allergies have been off the wall today. Started with my eyes watering like crazy. I had to use the allergy drops to calm them down. Now my nose is stuffy so I might have to take Benadryl to clear it up, which will end up putting me to sleep by the afternoon. I still need to brush my teeth. I’ll do that either before or after I shower.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Painful Sunday

I woke up around 5 this morning because my damn shoulder was bothering me again. I couldn’t go back to sleep but I kept dozing off and having weird dreams about being in the medical field. I finally got up when I had a strong enough urge to pee. I took my morning meds and then waited for pain meds to kick in before heading downstairs to brush my teeth and have coffee. It is nice out so I opened the back door to let some fresh air in the house. Pollen counts are high today and my eyes are already tearing.

I am going to shower today and shave. Just hope the pain meds keep my shoulder pain free so I can move my arm. I don’t know why it has been so painful lately and the only time it flares up is when I am sleeping. I don’t know how I am sleeping is annoying my shoulder. I should try sleeping hugging a pillow again or trying to. I start off hugging the pillow and then it ends up on the floor.

I am going to try and go to the mailbox today for a walk around the block. I need to mail my letter to get my name change document certified. I should have gotten it back when I first changed my name but I wasn’t thinking. I need to have a certified copy so I can get my passport renewed.

I am so fricken tired. I am determined not to nap again today though. I am going to try and keep moving. I might watch a movie today or some DVDs on China Beach. I love that series so much. Dana Delany is one of my faves. I really would love to see The American President again. I just don’t know where the DVD is.

My sister is going food shopping. I asked her to get me some half and half and some yogurt. I should ask her for some steak but I haven’t been in the mood to cook lately. I just have been making some simple things like fried eggs or scrambled eggs. I will be making a burger today.

Whatever thing that was irritating my urinary tract has cleared up. I am back to retaining like usual so I have put the alarm on to remind me to go. I put it for every four hours and I can change it as needed. I haven’t cathed in two weeks since the infection. Hopefully I won’t have to.

Like every Sunday, I need to fill my med box for the week. I usually do it around 2 pm so I don’t forget. It doesn’t take me long to do. I take 15 pills a day, not including my PRNs that I take. It is a lot to manage and remember.

I am kind of nervous about going to therapy this week. I had a little od last week and I let my therapist know about it. She was upset with me. I had texted her before I did it and got no response. Kind of pisses me off that I reach out and it isn’t until I do something that she responds. If she had said something like use my safety plan or something I might not have gone down that path. I am not blaming her as it was my choice to do what I did. I guess I figured in hindsight if maybe she said something sooner, it might have taken me out of the spiral I was in.

I’ve been down since July…

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability

I’ve been down since July…

Been listening to the song Evermore by Taylor Swift. It is a song that I can relate to. It means so much to me. I am home alone and listening via my Bluetooth headset. I had two cups of coffee today and I am not feeling hungry at all despite just having the belVita biscuits with the coffee. I am trying to keep track of my bladder function by recording the times I void in an excel sheet on my phone. I just added cath to my med app so I know what time I am supposed to go by. I just drank a bunch of Gatorade so I am hoping to go soon. I am supposed to go every 4-6 hours, more if I drink a lot or have coffee. I have been sticking with the six hour mark rather than four because otherwise I would be cathing instead of voiding on my own. I just don’t get the urge till around really the 5 hour mark. This is all because of the nerve damage caused by the tethered cord that I had and needed surgery for a year ago.

It was a nice day yesterday. I drank my coffee on the back porch. I want to put a chair out there so I can go and sit on the porch and just be outside for a bit. I have to buy the chair. A plastic one so it can be easily washed and not have to worry about the weather spoiling it. Just will have to worry on windy days because it could get blown off the porch!

I had therapy Monday. It ended with me being annoyed. We were talking about my deconditioned body and she wants me to talk to my PT about what I can do about it. Basically it means more PT for me and she said I could have a year of it to regain my strength back. I think she is right. The idea of going back to PT doesn’t appeal to me but I know that I have to do it if I want the short of breath and tiredness to go away. Then I got depressed and we talked about that and how frustrated I am by the managing chronic pain book that I bought. As we ended she said not to work on it until our next session when we can do it together.

I need to shave and shower. I have PT this afternoon. I am not sure if I will be going because my bowels seem to be unpredictable right now. I might have a virtual appointment with her. I need to go out as it has been a week since I last left the house. I had my T shot today in my left nerve damaged thigh. I am kind of hurting but it isn’t too bad. My ankle is hurting me more than my thigh. Having the shot in my thigh always worries me. I need to walk it off and I will today when I go out for my appointment. It is going to be another nice day today, though cooler than it was yesterday.

Last night I was pretty depressed and suicidal. I don’t really know why. I just got overwhelmed with being sad and just wanted to die. I was listening to the song Exile by Taylor Swift. The lyrics were so powerful. I kept wondering why I am still alive. I want to be dead so bad yet the people around me keep me here and I resent them. I really wish I could live some where else so I can be away from my toxic family. I know being around my mother is not good for my mental health but I have no where else to go. I don’t earn enough money to pay rent somewhere. I can’t work. Just sucks and I will always have suicide as an option.