Tag: chronic physical pain

Post 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 2018

I somehow managed to change my sheets and take out my back at the same time. And then managed a shower. I am completely worn out. My comforter is damp so I have to put it back in the dryer. I hate when I let my mother do the washing and drying. She never puts the comforter in long enough. Drives me crazy.

I have been texting my therapist most of the afternoon. I don’t think I will be able to see her tomorrow like I had planned. There is no way I can go up the hill to the car with my back being sore. I need a day to rest it. So I will plan on going out on Wednesday.

I have been playing with my grocery order. My mother needs milk and juice but she doesn’t like the juice I buy. So I had to get another brand. I wasn’t going to get coffee cake but changed my mind because I won’t have cake until the weekend and that is too far away. I will take some to Starbucks with me to have while drinking my espresso. No matter how I tried to get it below $200, I just couldn’t manage it. I am buying stuff that I need and those items are expensive, like steak and fish. I also got my favorite pizza so I don’t have to order out. It’s like $4 compared to the pizza place’s $11.

I am feeling depressed over my back being out. It’s hard for me to stand for long periods of time and changing my sheets just killed me. It’s not like I could sit down and put the sheets on. Didn’t help that the fitted sheet gave me so much trouble. I must have struggled with it at least four times as I kept on getting the wrong corner and then that corner would pop off while putting on another corner. So frustrating. Last time I changed my sheets, it took me no time at all to put on the fitted sheet. Now the trick is to keep my bed clear so that when I have to change my sheets again, it won’t be such a project. I think I am just going to keep my laptop and journal on my bed. And of course, my tissues. Those are the essentials.

I got a gift from a dear friend of mine today that cheered me up some. She sent me a mechanical Brutus doll. Brutus is the mascot for the Ohio State Buckeyes, my favorite college football team. It was so nice of her to send him to me. I have him in my office on my desk.

I think tonight is going to be an early night for me. I am in pain and I just want to lie down. But I can’t go to sleep until my comforter is dry. I hope it will be ready in the next hour or so. I plan to take my meds then and hopefully be asleep by 2200. I just hope I don’t wake up at 0630 again. That sucks.

Early start to a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early start to a Monday

I have been having a difficult night sleeping. I got a stuffy nose so I couldn’t breathe right for most of the night. I kept waking up having to sniff. I knew if I got up to blow my nose, that would be it and I would be up. I finally gave up around 0630 and blew my nose. I was pretty congested so I took my nasal medicine. I hope I am not getting a cold. I hate colds more than I do other illnesses. I haven’t been in contact with anyone with a cold so I hope it’s just allergies. Course the weather has been a pain in the neck the past few days. One day it’s 70 degrees the next it’s in the 50’s or below. All this week it’s supposed to be in the 40’s. Fun.

My ankle and foot are hurting me and I said fuck it, I took two pain pills. Then I got stabbing pains in my foot that are killing me so I made the right choice. Now I just need to wait for them to kick in. I should be sleeping most of the day. I just hope my nose cooperates.

I checked my bank account and my check didn’t come in. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to. I don’t know if it is my bank that is the issue or the LTD people. I should get it tomorrow morning. What a bummer. I really was hoping to get some things today that I need, like my groceries and my car reservations. Now I got to wait. I hate being dependent on someone else’s time.

If I am up to it, I might go to the Square today and take the bus to city hall to vote. It all depends on my mood. I should make coffee but I don’t want to be up until later this afternoon. If I drink coffee at home, I usually don’t go out to get coffee because that will be too much caffeine for me. I will be bouncing off the walls and jittery and I don’t like that feeling.

I am so looking forward to making my Nantucket Cranberry Cake this week. I finally will be using the food processor I bought. I hope using it is easy. I have never used one before. I know the cake is going to be yummy. Then for the party I am going to, I will be making my pumpkin cake. I love cake, in case you haven’t figured that out yet, LOL. I have gained about 5 pounds since baking all this stuff, but I think the Neurontin that I have been taking the last week and a half has been helping to keep it on and then some.

Well, my meds are kicking in faster than I thought they would. I am feeling really drowsy. I hope I sleep. Until later my friends.

Restless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restless

After supper, I was really sleepy so I took a nap. A four hour nap. Now I am so restless that I can’t sleep, even though I am tired as all hell. I started watching the movie “Lincoln” and was dozing off so I thought I would fall asleep. Yea, right. Soon as I laid down, I woke up. I hate when that happens.

My sister tried to reconcile what she had said. I don’t know if she was responding to the blog I wrote or the Facebook message that I was pissed off. She offered to help clean my room as “having a clean rug will make me feel better”. Yea, that will solve my problems. A clean rug. Hold the phone. I need to call my therapist and psychiatrist and tell them all I needed was a clean rug and boom, my bipolar disorder and other illness would be cured. Idiot. I can barely stand the smell of the clean rugs downstairs which means if I do manage to clean my room (not happening but I can dream), I would be stuck with the smell of the chemicals for at least a week, which means I wouldn’t be able to live in my room like I do. It’s getting colder and I would have to keep the window open to air out the room. It’s nice that my sister wants to do this but it’s just not going to happen.

I am hoping my check comes in tomorrow, but lately it’s been coming in on a Tuesday so we’ll see. I will know in about four hours. I hope I am not up because that will suck. My foot has been bordering on severe pain so I might have to take a strong pain pill as the regular pills just aren’t covering me. I really hate taking the strong pain pill because I get high and dopey before I pass out. I hate feeling that way. I also don’t want to become tolerant to this medication so I rather take it as infrequently as possible. I know my psychiatrist wants me to take it when my pain exceeds my tolerance but I have the right to reserve to take it. I rather wait for the regular pain pills to work and then take the stronger pain pill if that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know why, but I feel like I am going to be in “trouble” when I see my NP in two weeks. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but it feels like I have. I can’t explain it. I know my childhood fears are going on. Why, I have no clue. I really miss my last PCP. He got my depression and was willing to work with me on my pain to help ease it. I haven’t had that consistency since he left. If I told him I was suicidal because of my pain, I know he would do something to help me manage it better. I guess I am just tired of fighting to get what I want because these drugs have come under fire lately and I feel that if I push my providers, I might not get anything. That is my biggest fear, that my providers will stop prescribing and then I will be screwed.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might try and go vote early even though it will be a pain in the ass. I might do it Tuesday when I have the car so it won’t be such a pain. Least, I am hoping I have the car to see my therapist. It all depends on if my check comes in and my car is available.

Sunday Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Things

I made myself breakfast. I made pancakes and as usual, I left the dishes and pan. My mother came home from visiting my aunt. She goes there every morning and spends a few hours there. When I went downstairs, I took out burgers and my black bean burger for lunch. The burgers needed to be defrosted so I will have them tomorrow. As I was cooking my bean burger, my mother said she was tired of cleaning up my dishes. So after I ate, I did the dishes in the sink (wish included her stuff from breakfast and lunch). My ankle is not happy with me right now.

My mother had the rugs cleaned yesterday morning. Now we had the task of moving things back to where they belonged. Some of the stuff was heavy and I helped my mother put those things back as she has a worse back than I do. I am hurting from it but I know I have drugs to help me. She doesn’t take anything and it would take her two days to put the things back. Now I just plan on resting and watching a movie. I follow a Civil War blog and their last post was of a trailer for Lincoln the movie. I am going to watch that. I love this movie. I practically know it by heart as I have seen it so many times.

My pain was kind of weird last night. I was hurting but it wasn’t skyrocketing. It was low level and one pain pill seemed to help it, which is good because if I keep taking two pills, I am going to run out by the 4th. I have to do a balancing act right now between the regular pills and the strong pills. I am sure tonight I am going to be in serious pain because of doing the moving of things to help my mother. I took a NSAID to see if that helps but I swear it works as well as a sugar pill would.

I got an email from my cousin this morning. She invited me and my sisters as well as their kids to her daughter’s birthday party. I wasn’t going to go because it was north of me and I don’t have transportation. I decided to get a Zipcar for the evening so I can attend. I have no idea how much this is going to cost me. I hope that my Golf car is available because it’s $7/hr. I will reserve it in advance so I can try and get it. It will be fun to see my cousins again. I haven’t seen them since my father passed away.

My sister just royally pissed me off. She just got my mother’s rugs downstairs cleaned. Now she wants to do my bedroom as well as my mother’s. I would have to do some serious cleaning in my room for my rug to be cleaned and I have no place to put my stuff. So I told her forget about it and she said my rugs are dirty and need to be cleaned. Sorry, they aren’t that dirty. Sure they could use a vacuum but that is all they need. It sparked my suicidal feelings. Once again, my things mean nothing to my family and I am being treated like a piece of dirt. Sure, it’s fine when I need to watch their fucking kids and everything but to help me out? Not a chance. It’s not fucking happening. I don’t give a shit. They can clean my room when I am dead.