Tag: chronic physical pain

I’m Zipping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I’m Zipping

I woke up at 0500 and I have been busy getting my groceries ordered and straightening out my Zipcar card. I decided to use the Zipcar today rather than wait till tomorrow or next week. I am so excited. I was going to go back to sleep but decided against it. I finally took a shower. I didn’t even get into the shower when it started making an awful noise. I quickly showered and got out. I think it was the fastest shower I took. I have to tell my brother in law about this noise. I think there is air in the lines or something.

I am going to see my therapist today. She is going to be so excited. I haven’t texted her yet. I figure I will surprise her. Maybe now, she won’t be so keen on getting an adjunct therapist. It will be good to see her again. It’s been months since our last face to face session. I will be bringing her the lyrics to “Mixed drinks about Feelings” and my NYT article. It’s just something to add to her pile. I am debating on bringing the lyrics to “Mr. Misunderstood”. The song is mostly about Eric finding himself in the music industry. Other than a few lines, the song doesn’t have any meaning for me. But I like the idea behind the song. And I always feel misunderstood.

I can’t wait till my grocery order comes in and I can have burritos for breakfast. They are homemade, not the prepared stuff. I need to make my own eggs. I am funny that way. Even when we go out to a restaurant for breakfast, I never order eggs. I like making my own.

It’s now the afternoon. I just came home from my therapy appointment. It took longer to get home than it did getting there. I had to get gas in the beginning of the trip because the idiot before me left less than ¼ of a tank. I reported it. It cost me a half hour of my trip because of it so I decided to take the highway to my therapist’s office. She was sure happy to see me. I was happy too. She still looks the same. I think it has been at least a year since I last saw her. I told her about my crappy weekend and how suicidogenic my mother was. It was a new word for her to learn. I was laughing because she kept on pronouncing it wrong. It took several tries for her to get it right. I also gave her the lyrics but we didn’t talk about it much. We’ll probably talk about it tomorrow. She wished that I could stay the entire afternoon. I wish I could, too. I think it would be a goofy experience.

The ride home seemed to take forever. I really just wanted to be home as I have been out most of the day. I left my house at 0900 and just came back around 1545. Nearly six hours out. I rented the car for 5 hours just to allow times for traffic and such. There wasn’t much traffic on the way home. It just seemed like it was a long road. I don’t know how many miles it was but it could just be that I wanted to be home fast and it was the long way home that was making me antsy. I didn’t have lunch while I was out. I should have had something to eat but I was hungry. Now I am hungry. My mother is making supper as we speak so it should be ready soon.

I got to call Peapod and find out why they are charging me more than what I clicked on for check out. It’s nearly twenty dollars more. I didn’t add any items and the sale items are still on sale so I am not sure why there is a discrepancy. I hate making phone calls. You spend most of the time on hold than you do talking to a person. Like I just called my doctor’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. I spent of the 8 minutes, 2 minutes was talking to an actual person. I just get so annoyed. They used to call you when it was ready but I guess they don’t do that any more. Jerks. If I don’t pick it up tomorrow, I will have to wait till Friday. They are only open in the morning that day.

My therapist was appalled that someone would open accounts in my name. I am glad I caught it before fraudulent activity could be done. It didn’t show up on my credit report yet, but then, my own personal checking account isn’t there either so maybe it won’t show up. I told her I reported it to the agencies, just in case. She still was shocked someone would do this. Just tops off the bad weekend I had.

I have had such a long day. Even though I am hungry, I really don’t feel like eating. I am just too tired to eat. But I am getting the shakes because the last time I ate was at like 0630 this morning. I feel like I should have ordered something, just to tie me over while my mother cooks what she is cooking. I am having nerve pain in my thigh. Probably because I sat too long today. It’s rare that it flares up. But then I don’t usually have long days where I am sitting in a chair. While I am in my bed, it is somewhat elevated.

Despite seeing my therapist, I still am depressed. I didn’t tell her about the anti-diabetic agent that I was thinking about going on to help with my chronic depression. It has too many scary side effects, which is probably why my psychiatrist never got back to me. I will still ask her about it when I see her. If it will help the insulin resistance, I am for it. But my psychiatrist is not an endocrinologist. She might not feel comfortable prescribing it. I will still ask my PCP about it, but he is leaving so I am not sure I can bring it up. I might need monitoring in the beginning that I don’t know about. I see my psych before I see my PCP so I will have a better idea if this medication is ideal for me.

I also didn’t tell my therapist my ex tried getting in contact with me the end of last week. We have had an off and on relationship over the years. Last year or two she blocked me on FB for reasons only she knows. Well she unblocked me and then requested my friendship. I didn’t want to deal with her so I blocked her. I don’t need her drama in my life. She is interested in me for only one thing and one thing only, and it’s not friendship. I am glad she is 90 miles away from me. It still hurts me that we can’t have a friendship but so life goes, I guess. She was my first love so she will always have a special spot in my heart. I have been thinking about her a lot lately so I am sure that is why she unblocked me. We have this weird connection where if we think of one another, the other is too.

I don’t know if I am sleepy because of lack of food or because I have been up for almost 12 straight hours. It’s a really cold day and I am just wearing a T-shirt. It’s kind of chilly but I was hot when I came home. I really think something is wrong with me, either I am coming down with a cold or something is wrong with my thyroid. Maybe if I nudge my pdoc, she will order a thyroid screen. It could be what is causing my depression, or at least part of it. I have been depressed for so long you would think I would be used to it. But it sucks because it just takes so much out of you. Putting on a happy face all the time takes such effort. It is exhausting. And it sucks because you just can’t do anything useful. I am glad I am not a neat freak. I would have died the way my room is. But it does need to be cleaned. My summer clothes need to be put away so they don’t get lost in the shuffle of my winter clothes. I still can’t find my Red Sox hoodie. It upsets me when I can’t find my  clothes. They just get buried. Much like my life.

Love of Cousins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

wpid-20151122_115534.jpg

Love of cousins

Yesterday, I went over my cousins that I haven’t seen in a long time. Usually we see each other for special birthdays or some other special occasion. We don’t see each other often enough. One of my cousins gave me a special gift yesterday. I am now the owner of a replica World Series ring of the 2013 Boston Red Sox! I am wearing it as I type this. It is heavy. But I love it just the same. I nearly had a coronary in the car when my cousin gave me the ring. She knows I love the Red Sox very much. I have more Red Sox things than I have any other Boston sports team. I own just one Patriots hat. I lost interest in the Celtics when Larry Bird retired (more than twenty years ago) and I don’t care for hockey. All I know about the Bruins is what I read on Twitter or Facebook. But the Sox to me are special. I have been a fan since I was a little kid and that hasn’t changed. Even when they suck, I still love them. My cousin knows this. I will always treasure this gift. I might not wear it publicly, only because it is huge and heavy, but I will wear it in the house.

I slept late today, a rarity. I woke up around 0530 and miraculously, I was able to get back to sleep around 0600. Yesterday was a difficult for me, mostly last night. I feel like I am a failure in my mother’s eyes because I don’t do much around the house. I would try but I know that it hurts so I don’t. My mother telling my cousin that I was basically a lazy ass did not sit well with me. My cousin wasn’t judging me at all. She knows that I suffer from chronic pain and she knows a little something about it because she has fibro.

Last night I was in bad shape. My mother got me very upset. I think between the sleep deprivation and being up all day, I was more vulnerable to her attacks. Normally she doesn’t get under my skin. I really wanted to die last night. I even thought of going in the hospital just to get away from her. But I feel now that will be giving in to her suspicions that I am not well. And that will infuriate her. She doesn’t get my mental illness at all. She thinks I should just let things roll off my back or not think about things. Even more damaging, she thinks I should “talk” to her. I tried talking to her when I was 10 and suicidal. I got no response. So why should I try talking to her now? She doesn’t understand my pain, my depressions, my insomnia. None of it. Hell, she didn’t even want to read my book that I wrote. I don’t even know if she read the New York Times article I wrote. If that isn’t a shun, I don’t know what is.

I need to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription today. I really don’t feel like leaving the house. It’s cold, damp, and raw outside. Of course, what do you expect in November? The days of it being warm are over. I am not in pain at the moment. But I am afraid that if I walk to and back might cause my ankle to hate me. I really need to get PJs that I can also wear outside. I have sweat pants but it’s the idea of getting dressed that stresses me out. I hate the indecision of picking something to wear, of which socks to wear. I am glad I only have one good pair of sneakers otherwise I doubt I would never leave the house. I would never decide which pair to choose from. Some days it’s easier to just throw something on and leave the house. But days like today, I am dreading it. I just want to listen to Adele and Eric Church and just stay under the covers.

My menses are slowing down. I am going to ask the pharmacist, if I do go to Walgreens, if I can restart the pack today. Course, that will mean I have four pills that I just am not using. I never should have stopped mid-week but I had no choice. I really didn’t want two weeks of bleeding. Just talking about this makes me feel so low. I feel so degraded. I know no woman looks forward to that time of the month but it’s different when you are transgender. I have put up with so much. I just wish I was dead so I don’t have to deal with this at all anymore. I feel so alone. Other than my blog, there is no one I can really “bitch” to about this. I know that this particular mense breakthrough has caused increased suicidality more so than at any other time. It’s just so difficult. Other than my sisters, I haven’t really told a “real” person about my TG. My therapist and my psychiatrist know but they are not people I see every day. But then, there are no people that I see everyday other than my family. I feel so isolated. I know part of it is my own doing. I don’t reach out to people. I could blame my paranoia, especially now as things have kicked up a notch since the Paris attacks. I just don’t feel safe anymore. And I don’t even think being on a locked ward of a hospital will help.

Doc appt and Mixed Drinks about Feelings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Doc appoint and Mixed Drinks about Feelings

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3CMdMIQWMo

My appointment went well. I had to update my entire medical history but it didn’t take long as most of it was already in the computer. I did have to update my medications as there have been changes in the last two years. I see her in a year and but before the appointment I need to have blood work. I hope I remember.

I didn’t sleep well, again. I went to bed late and then woke up at 4 and 5. I got up at 0615 to shower. I was hoping to snooze but I knew that would be a bad idea. So I got dressed and caught the bus to the square. I had my mocha and did some writing in my journal as I was sitting in my “spot”. The place was empty so I had no distractions. I wasn’t as paranoid either. It was raining when I left my house but by the time I got to the square it stopped. I was so made because I had to carry the stupid umbrella around for nothing. It was too big to put in my bag. Then the sun came out and I was really cursing because I didn’t bring my sunglasses. I just want to go to bed and I will after this blog.

I emailed my psychiatrist about the appointment. I haven’t heard back yet. I am glad that she told me that doc that I saw today was good. She seemed caring. And she wasn’t freaked out by my psych history. She made sure that I had psych providers but didn’t contact them. That was my biggest fear. That she would send me to the psych emergency room or wait till my psychiatrist called her back before leaving. Like all doctors these days, she wants me to lose weight. I don’t see how this is possible as I am not an active person. I am going to ask my PCP if I can go on an appetite suppressant to lose weight. Restricting calories and shit just isn’t for me. I love food too much to try and stop myself from eating bad and eating good just costs too much.

I am glad she didn’t ask if I was psychotic lately. It sucks that I have to be on two different antipsychotics but so be it. There are risks involved but they outweigh the benefit. I am glad I have a psychiatrist that watches me closely and cares.

“no use fighting the fight, there’s no contest tonight” Eric Church

Wiped Out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.