Tag: chronic physical pain

Finagling the Bagel

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Finagling the bagel

I spent today going over how much it was going to cost me of my OTC meds, specifically my allergy meds and laxative. I couldn’t find them cheap at the two pharmacies that I go to. But Amazon saved me. For the laxative, it was buy two bottles for one. I was so happy and in order to get free shipping, I got 4 boxes of cereal. I eat a lot of cereal because it helps to keep my weight down.

I still have to get my prescription medication. That is going to be no finagling. I have about 5 or 6 meds I need. I have decided that I just won’t eat out this month. When I get my check, I usually order one meal out. But this time, I just can’t. I still don’t know how I am going to get my powerade for the month and a haircut. It’s stressing me out that I don’t have money for these items, but I might call to get my car junked tomorrow. I just hope I have the stamina to do it. I was going to do it today but I was just too tired. I had a really long day yesterday and today I felt like a truck hit me. I was just so very tired. I know part of it is that I took my pain meds because my leg was hurting me when I woke up. I just now took the last of them. The pharmacy lied and I won’t be able to fill my new script until Friday. So I have another two days of rationing, though not really. I have nothing to ration, except my stronger pain medication. I will only take that as a last resort and if my pain is near a twenty.

I had therapy today. I tried to see my therapist tomorrow, which would have made 4x this week but my she is out of the office. We talked more about my father being a SOB than anything else. I was getting annoyed so I asked to change the subject. She then brought up that I am still “loyal” to him. WTF. Not going there, not today. I had no energy to argue about it. I just reminded her that her daughter’s birthday is tomorrow. That cut the talk about my father real quick. We talked about her daughter for a little while and then moved on to something else.

If I was drained before therapy, I was more so afterwards. I was debating getting coffee at my Starbucks. I thought maybe a coffee is what I needed to give me a push. But my plans were spoiled when my cousin gave me a ride. After talking to him for the 15-20 mins, I just wanted to go home and sleep. I just got a sandwich and a water. My stomach was feeling icky so I didn’t want to make it more so with coffee. Today sucks. I am exhausted and can’t really deal with anything. I also think I am dehydrated so I got a Gatorade on my way home. I bought a candy bar thinking chocolate might help my mood but I didn’t even open it. I just left it on the kitchen counter and went to my room. I played my games, now I am writing my blog, and soon will be taking a nap. It’s that time of day when I need one. I don’t care if it energizes me for the night. I have meds to knock me out.

The thing that I didn’t talk to about with my therapist was that my suicidality is slowly increasing. I am feeling fed up because I am in pain all the time. I have been in pain nearly everyday for the past week. It’s stressing me out. And I can’t do anything about it. My PCP was saying that the depression makes the pain worse and the pain makes the depression worse. I was like no shit Sherlock. But what are you going to do to STOP the pain from happening?? He didn’t have an answer. But being in pain is literally driving me crazy. I just want one day of no pain, just so mentally I can rest. But I think the only way I can rest is if I take Ativan because there is not a chance I won’t be in pain anytime soon. And that is killing me, slowly but surely.

How Country Music Touches You

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide

How Country Music Touches You

I have been listening to Pandora for most of the day. I have it on “Terri Clark” radio and I have been listening to all the “old” country that made me fall in love with country, not the rock/rap stuff they have today. A couple of songs in the morning really got to me. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I was very tearful. The songs they were playing was about relationships ending and I couldn’t feel like I was losing my therapist because of the current transportation issue. I was going to see my therapist today but my father interceded. Asshole had an urgent matter that had to be dealt with on his NOW terms. So my sister needed the car to take him where he needed to go. I was pissed that he didn’t call me, because what the hell do I take him to his medical appointments for?? He just is an ungrateful bastard.

So what would have been the last time I see my therapist turned into no trip out there after all. And the songs they were playing just had me thinking that maybe our relationship is over now. But then Faith Hill’s song, “You can’t lose me” came on. I cried harder and when I told my therapist, she said that is our song now. I was already bawling so cried some more. I swear I bawled the first 20 minutes or so of our session. I was just so weepy. I have been up since 0430 so already it has been a long day. I had coffee which gave me the ups but by 11, I calmed down and was just down. Then the songs played and I was weepy. And of course my therapist had to ask how I was doing. Doing awful. I told her the thoughts of suicide came into my head today, just out of the blue, like what if I killed myself. But the thoughts didn’t hang around. My mood just wasn’t “depressed enough”, I guess.

I don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. My therapist doesn’t know that I secretly want another therapist. I just don’t think she is good for me anymore and now that we are not going to be seeing each other face to face for a long time, I can’t help but wonder if the phone is really going to work. I so wanted to be in the same room with her just so she could possibly hold me while I was crying. Realizing that, just made me cry more. I have stuffed animals at her office, a 3 ft bear (Johnny) and two smaller bears (Bucky and Amelia). I miss seeing them, and obviously, my therapist. But finding a therapist, as I learned, is so difficult when you are chronically suicidal. It shouldn’t be like that, but sadly it is. I had called 10 therapists when she first moved to Framingham (the town she practices out of). I couldn’t find one to take me on. Then when I was in the hospital, they found me a center that I could go to. Well, the nitwit was downright scared of me. He was just so nervous. It didn’t work out and by session three, I said goodbye.

I am so drained. I could write about how it sucks not finding a therapist to expand their horizons and just take a chance but I am not in the damn mood. I am tired of trying to find someone that I can count on in the mental health field. Yet there is a therapist that piques my curiosity. Only trouble is, I love his tweets and if I become his patient, I lose him as my twitter buddy. His policy. And I like our relationship as it is right now, though he doesn’t know me from Adam. It’s just that I like his personality. And after reading his blogs, I think that he would be a good fit for me. But I don’t think I can ever cross that boundary. Besides, I am so terrified that he will find an excuse not to see me it prevents me from pursuing the matter. And all the while I was thinking this, I felt like I was cheating on my therapist.

I am at the stage where right now, I really can’t leave my therapist. We are in the middle of important work with dealing with my ex and all she put me through. We didn’t talk about it today. I was too emotional to get into it and she respected my space. Plus, I felt like I was crying over the grief of that relationship, which I never did before. I usually just drank her away, or tried to.

When I was in the kitchen, eating a brownie, I noticed my ankle and foot were swollen again. Pissed me off. My toes looked like Vienna sausages. So I just kept them up. Now they are hurting me. I hate being in pain every single day. Today I looked at a couple of doctors that specialized in the ankle. I couldn’t find a one that wasn’t a surgeon. And a surgeon just won’t deal with you if they can’t cut you. So I am back to square one. I am so frustrated having to find a therapist that is within a 5 mile radius of my house and a foot/ankle doctor that is the same. Why is it so hard when I live in the academic capital of the world??

Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

Venting, Ranting, I can’t even

So I talked with my therapist tonight about today’s events and the possibility that we would not see each other for a longer while than we are used to. I was going to go out and see her tomorrow but I am afraid it might be the last time I see her. And I can’t face that. She can’t face it either. Might be better to just keep talking on the phone.

Since I came home around 1230, my phone has been ringing off the hook. One was a spam call. Another was the phone call about my physiatrist. The last phone call that has me really irked was about my damn father. Here I was basking in the glory that I don’t have to deal with any of his medical issues for another 3 months. Nope. Asshole sees eye doctor. Eye doctor sees something so wrong he has to see a specialist. WTF. Since when did it come on my shoulders?? I can’t deal with it today. I really can’t.

I feel like crying because I am sad my therapist and I are not going to see each other for a long time because of transportation issues. Why the hell did she have to move to the boondocks?? She went to the hub of academia to the middle of nowhere. Christ. Why?? Now I am questioning whether we can continue. It has been on my mind for the last few months to see a new therapist. But I don’t think I can break free. I owe her too much money, money I can never repay in my lifetime, least not on the money I am collecting now. If I start work again, maybe but it doesn’t look like I will be working anytime soon because I can’t walk from here to there without pain.

Then you have the issue of my physiatrist that leaves without a letter of notice or anything. I liked her. She cared. How do I know that her replacement is the same? How do I know that I will see her? I can’t walk there. I googled it. It’s 0.7 miles. My limit is 0.4. If I try and stretch it, I will only be hurting myself like I did the last time. Course, I can walk there, have them see how hurt I get and then take a cab back to the station. But I don’t know that I want to see a new doctor. I am so annoyed. I was thinking about seeing my old foot doctor but I still owe him $150 for orthotics that I don’t wear anymore. I really need to pay them off if I want to see him. He is only there once a month now. Another annoyance. I don’t get to see a good doctor all the time.

Then my therapist was all what triggers Jekyll. I don’t want him triggered. I want him to stay where he is until I figure out what the hell I am doing with him. Until he tells me his real name and what he is doing, I am cutting him off, least for now. I know that may anger him more but I don’t want him coming out just when he is angry. I am angry too about what happened. I might not show it all the time but I am angry. Angry I was abused while I was an adult. I still am being abused, maybe not physically like with my ex, but with my parents. I am constantly being disrespected.

Okay, rant over, for now!

nuances of Chronic Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today has already been a long day. I again had weird dreams and then woke up before my alarm by at least a half hour. I didn’t do anything to wake up. I just went to the bathroom and then went back to sleep until the alarm went off. I should have grabbed a pop tart as I was hungry by the time I got dressed and stuff. I had my coffee and wrote until it was time to see my doc.

I am happy that I my PCP listened to me and gave me enough pills to cover me for the month. However, I am unable to fill it. I have to wait two days for my next refill. I had a feeling it was going to be too early and I was right. Fuck! I have two pills to last me 2.5 days? And then the pharmacist tells me they are changing the classification of the medication. I don’t know what that means. She said I would have to go to the doctor to get the prescription. Well, I do that anyways so I don’t see the big deal. They already ask me for my ID. Now if they need a diagnosis, they are getting cauda equina syndrome.

After my appointment, I felt a little energetic so I walked the long block to the other bus stop. I did it in less than 10 mins, which is good for me. It was 0.4 miles. I am guessing that is my limit without pain. If I walk more than that, then I am hurting, which is good to know. I didn’t have to walk back so that was good. I figure, if I can slowly increase my walk route, from where I walked before (1.2 miles roundtrip) I should be able to slowly lose weight and feel better about walking. But then there are days where just going around the block can cause me pain so I guess today is a good day. It started out rough because I was walking in mud. I didn’t think I would be able to walk to the bus stop when I left my house this morning. But after my doctor’s appointment, I had some energy and felt like I could do it. I know there are time I might not be always able to, but today I count that as an accomplishment. Now, to just hope that I am not hurting big time tonight and the next few days. My ankle is throbbing but it’s mild. I am not swearing, least not yet.

So I am disappointed that I can’t get the new script filled and that next month might be more of a hassle getting it filled. I knew these changes were going to happen. It’s all because a senator’s son overdose on narcotic medication. His belief is that the meds “caused him to commit suicide, not the pain”. What a crock. He is clueless so people with chronic pain now have to suffer because of this idiot, who is not even a medical professional!! I really “love” when these non-medical people make decisions for us. It makes treating chronic pain that much more difficult and no one many commit suicide because they cannot be helped by their doctors.

I did have a problem with making a month appointment with my doctor for next month. I just hope it isn’t too soon or too late. That is the problem that I have been having lately, getting an appointment with my doctor for my pain meds. It shouldn’t be this hard. So I have to wait for the secretary to call me.

I am glad I can walk the distance I did today. I hope that tomorrow I can walk again without pain. But we’ll see what happens tonight.