Tag: coffee

feeling really tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling really tired

I had a good sleep but after breakfast, I went back to sleep because I was feeling really tired. When I woke up, I decided to make some coffee and now feel like I can go back to sleep. I don’t know why I am so exhausted. I haven’t done anything except retweet some zero suicide tweets today. There is some convention going on in Atlanta about this. I don’t necessarily agree with this movement because I feel people should be able to make a decision about their lives the way they should but if they are asking for help, I believe the providers should do all they can to help them. Like any provider should. For the first time, this movement has received funding so we’ll see how it plays out. It’s the people that are suicidal that don’t reach out I worry most about. Or who reach out after they have attempted. But I understand. Sometimes you have to do drastic measures to be believed there is something wrong. I was a straight A student, well liked. I didn’t think anyone would believe that I had problems at home. I was adjusting well in school. I didn’t make problems, yet I desperately wanted to kill myself. I felt like if I talked to someone about my problems, no one would believe me. So one night when my father flipped out for the hundredth time in as many days, I tried taking my life. When a good friend at school noticed the marks on my wrist, she told a teacher. That teacher talked with me and I was extremely nervous. Bottom line was she took me to the nurse and I got the help I needed. I didn’t want it at first, but the school nurse helped me to see that I needed to talk with someone. It wasn’t easy reaching out for help when I had so many things at home stacked against me. So I can see someone who is in need, not wanting to seek help for fear of being turned down.

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist today but she doesn’t have any openings unless someone cancels. Oh well. I guess I will be okay until tomorrow. I was talking with a fellow blog reader and it helped to vent to her about what has been going on. Though she seems to think I will be needing the hospital and I don’t know why that is. I guess I will have to read over my blogs and figure it out. I don’t always remember what I write about.

It’s a cool day today, the first time in weeks that it’s been below 70. I should take advantage and mail the letter that I need to mail. But I can do it tomorrow. I really don’t feel like getting dressed for a piece of mail. Besides, with the zaps that I had last night, my foot is still sore. I had taken some pain meds this morning because the pain was really bad. I guess that could explain why I feel so tired. It’s weird that during the day I feel tired from them, but at night, I don’t.

I had some more pages from my book read. It’s almost a 1000 pages for this Kindle shared thingy. I guess people might read a few pages and then decide if they want to continue it or not? I am not sure how it works. There is a little blurb about it on the reports page but it all gibberish to me. I don’t understand it. But I did have six books sold via Kindle. It’s the most sales I have had in a while. I also had four paperbacks sold. So I am very pleased. It was totally unexpected that the NYT would say that I was an author. I just wish I could have finished my other book that I have in the works but it’s slow going. I really want the book to be at least 200 pages but I am not even a quarter of the way there yet. I know I will get there, I am just waiting for the writing itch to start up again.

Wow, I made the coffee stronger than I thought it would be. I am hyped up now, ready for anything. Just wish my foot felt that way. Would be nice to go for a walk. I just wish my neighborhood wasn’t so hilly. It really takes it out of you when your foot/ankle is not 100%. It would be easier to walk on flat surfaces like the next town over but I would have to take the bus and train to get there and I know my coffee high would wear off by then. I hope I get paid this month from my LTD insurance. It would be nice to have one more payment from them so I can get caught up in a few more bills.

Coffee Worked!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Coffee worked!

I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.

I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.

I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.

I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.

Sunday with no coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I finally blogged my paper last night. I thought about editing it and might end up doing it today. I was fairly tired after I typed up the five pages of writing I did for this paper. I put in a lot of work. It was well received by the people of Twitter. There was more that I wanted to write and if I do edit, I will put in more thoughts. It was blatantly obvious that people with lived experience were excluded from the thought process of these terms. However, the articles I were referencing were for researchers/clinicians. I am neither, though I am sort of a researcher as I like reading about the studies that have to do with suicide and suicide attempts. My library is evidence of that. I am a suicidologist at heart. If I ever do get the five grand, I will get a certificate in suicidology.

My Sox are sucking today with a rookie pitcher on the mound. Fuck. He just gave up his 3rd homerun of the game. UGH. It’s 7-0 Seattle. This might end up being a laugher, or revenge as we have kicked their butts the last two days. I don’t know if my boys can catch up.

My cream went bad so I didn’t have coffee today. I sure could use it. I am so sleepy. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep but it’s so difficult when you don’t have caffeine on board. I have been adding to my grocery list for my online order. It’s very easy to run up a tab as you just click, click, click on things. Half and half is definitely on my list.

I plan on getting in a shower sometime this evening. Also need to finish “Goblet of Fire”. It has been slow going because I tend to dissociate while I am reading. It hasn’t been pleasant to get totally involved in the book and find that only a half hour has past. It feels like more time has gone by and I am disoriented when I put the book down. I haven’t an explanation about why this happens. It could be because I secretly want to be a wizard. Having magic would be so great. But with the book, you just get lost in it. I don’t know if I am reading faster and that is why I get lost or because the writing is brilliant.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Game is still going on. They are in the 12th inning and Seattle is threatening with the bases loaded. Sox have tied up the game at 8. And there goes the game as they are putting in Ross, who likes to score inherited runners. I hate him. He is such a sucky pitcher.

Waking up Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Waking up Depressed

There was no weird dream, or any dream, really, that made me feel depressed when I woke up this morning. I don’t know why I feel depressed at this hour. The day hasn’t even started. I was reading about a friend of mine that killed himself a little over six months ago. A friend had written the most beautiful story about him. It was found out that my friend that died, actually did suffer from depression, something I didn’t know. I was never close to him. Just an acquaintance from long ago when our lives were just starting out. We never hung out while we were adults. I never really hung out with him as a young one either. But he was special. I had suffered my depression, in silence and alone. No one knew the depths of my depression. I always tried to keep it hidden from people. It just was not talked about.

My therapist and psychiatrist are probably the only two people on the planet that have seen my horrible, suicidal depressions. I can’t say that I am suicidal right now as I still am trying to wake up. I need breakfast and coffee. Maybe then my depression that I feel right now will lift some. I just feel really down and like the walls are closing in around me. I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks because she has been on vacation. I see her Tuesday but that day seems so far away from now. I’m starting to feel hopeless that I will ever get “better”. I don’t even know what that means. People always talk about recovery with mental illness, but I have yet to experience it. My mood always seems to go from one extreme to back to my low level depression and stay there. I don’t experience job or happiness. I don’t know what those are anymore. With my disability check this month, I decided to “spoil” myself and get the Harry Potter book collection. I felt I had earned that since I just came out of yet another suicidal depression. I was to kill myself on the 17th of this month. It got foiled because I told my therapist and my psychiatrist I was suicidal. If I didn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here, writing this blog.

My depressions have gotten worse as I get older. They last longer and are deeper than they were when I was younger. I have been suffering from these depressions since I was 15, but probably longer than that. I didn’t receive the help that I need until I was in my teens. That was when I had enough and wanted to die. I still want to die. I can’t imagine living this life yet I just continue to exist. It is a painful existence. It feels like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and I don’t know why that is. I just feel really down. I have no interest in doing anything today, even though I have to go pick up my prescription. I am totally out of this medication that I need. I am also out of my vitamin D, but that should come in tomorrow. If I am able to borrow my sister’s car, I will try and go out today, but I can’t make any promises. It’s just a struggle to get dressed and ready to do things outside the house. It is tiring when you already feel like you have no energy or motivation. But I got to do it, even though I feel lousy. Maybe while I am at the pharmacy, I can go food shopping and get my favorite burgers. I haven’t had a burger in a few weeks. It is my favorite food, aside from pizza. BallPark came out with burger patties that are very good and easy to make. I like food that is easy to make as I can’t really cook. I need specific instructions/recipe to cook. I am not like my mother that just puts the oven on and cooks for a half hour and then say the meal is done. She did that the other night to the French fries and fish she was making. It was soggy. I would have cooked it a little more so it was crispy. But then she doesn’t have teeth so need soft things.

I made my coffee and had some left over Chinese food for “breakfast”. I didn’t feel like making eggs so I just had something that was already cooked. Even making the simplest things are hard when you are depressed. I used to love making an egg for breakfast, usually fried or scrabbled, with cheese on toast. But when you think of all that you have to do to make it, put the bread in the toaster, get the butter for the pan, crack the egg, season the egg, etc., it is tiring when you are feeling low. Even my coffee is hard when I am this depressed. I have to measure out the coffee, boil the water, get my favorite mug that I use, put two sugars in the cup. Pour the water after it boils. Wait 4 long minutes for the grounds to brew. I am ready for a nap and I haven’t even done anything strenuous. Lately, coffee hasn’t been doing its magic. It’s more like taking a sedative. I am up for a little while and then I crash and need a nap desperately. I don’t know why that is. And I am drinking quality coffee, Starbucks! It is the only coffee I will drink because it is the one that I can make using my French press.

I am looking forward to my therapist being back this week. I hope she can do her thing that gives me hope so it drives away the hopelessness away. Until then, I guess I will have to suffer through this horrible depression, again, alone.