Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Better, but not great

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Better, but not great

I slept fairly well last night, despite being in horrible pain. I woke up a few times before 9, but I was able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t until my phone’s app started beeping for me to take my blood pressure meds did I get up. Then I realized that I had to go to the post office to drop off the book for my neurologist. I sent her an email saying it is on its way. I should have put the review books in the mail. I think it would be nice to get reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. But I am too scared of rejection that I hold back.

Today is a warm day. I was sweating by the time I came home from my errands. I picked up my meds too while I was out. My ankle is kindly thanking me now. I really want to go out and get coffee but I just missed the bus and the next one isn’t for another hour. So no coffee today. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it. Making coffee at home just doesn’t have the same appeal as going out for coffee.

Last night I was in a rough spot. I hope that I don’t ever be in that spot again. The suicidal thoughts were great and it would have been easy to take 14 pills. That was all that I needed to help my pain or make me sicker than a dog. I am glad I didn’t find out. But it scares me that I feel like that in the moment but this morning, I don’t feel like I did last night. Granted I am in less pain than I was in but still, I could have injured myself and no one would have known about it, least not until it was too late. My therapist wouldn’t get the texts until Monday. That wouldn’t have been any good.

I seriously thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already spoke to her that day. Granted it was an urgent situation and not a “hi, how are you” one. I just think that I can get through the episodes on my own, that I don’t need any help. I feel funny asking for help. It is like it goes against the grain of what I am feeling.

I have been in this situation plenty of times. I feel like if I do reach out for help, I am a bother. And I know that if I call my psychiatrist, she most likely will tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want that. The ER is not going to help me with my pain. They won’t find anything wrong with me and then ship me off to psych ER for further evaluation. Maybe they will put me in the hospital, maybe they won’t. I just know that I don’t want to go to the ER at all because it is a waste of time for me. And being in the hospital is a bigger waste of time, as I found that out in August.

Thing is, I was in a lot of pain, more than my normal amount that I am in. And it wears you out, both mentally and physically. Now that I am not in so much pain, I can look back on what was going on and be insightful.

in so much pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?

Ankle Chronicles 7

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

area of pain

Ankle Chronicles 7

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her that the pain that I have been feeling is causing the suicidal thoughts to come back, though in passing, nothing concrete. She wants me to call her if they stick around. I told her I would.

This pain has been going on since Labor Day. No matter what I do, or don’t do, I am in pain. Going up and down stairs is the worst. I finally had enough. I called uncle. So I will be seeing an ankle fellow in a couple of weeks because the head honcho doesn’t have any openings until December. This will be doctor number 14 that I will see for the same problem. Luckily, all my records are in the same system so I don’t have to carry around different records with me from different places. I might have to collect records from the podiatrist I saw, but we’ll see on that. I just know that I am in pain, nearly 24/7. And it is draining me. The past week I have been so miserable I don’t want to go out. And if I do go out, I want to go back home and soon. I need to keep my foot elevated to make it happy. But even that isn’t making it happy anymore. I just don’t know what to do except to keep on taking pain medication. And even that is losing its effectiveness.

I am seriously losing my mind over this pain in my ankle. It’s right below the bone on the outside. I forget the name of the bone and I am too lazy to google it. My PCP says it is a tendon. I know it’s a tendon. I have been dealing with this pain for a LONG time now. I know it’s the peroneous tendon and possibly, muscles, too. I don’t care what the names are. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t want an injection of cortisone because I believe that it damages tendons more than it helps them shrink. I will NOT have another nerve block in that ankle because when it wore off, I was in agony for three whole days. I won’t go through that again.

I told my psychiatrist I was seeing a fellow rather than the chief and also a smartass remark. She came back with a “calm down”. How can I calm down when the very act of walking is being taken away from me?? Really?? I can’t go anywhere unless I walk. Down the stairs, up the stairs, go to the store, the bathroom, kitchen, etc. Each of these activities causes me huge amounts of pain, the stairs being the worst pain. I have to make conscious effort to hold my foot upright while going down the stairs and the same effort going back up. It’s DRAINING!!!! I have no more mental spoons or physical spoons to do anything else, like brush my teeth or shower. I got a haircut today and needed to shower but couldn’t so I just washed my hair. That hurt more than the shower would have. I don’t think my psychiatrist knows where I am coming from. Maybe she is tired of hearing me complain about my pain. It has been going on for three years now. I bet that is it. People are just so damn tired of me complaining about my ankle.

And I have a reunion to go to on Sunday. HOLY FUCK, I AM FUCKED. I will most likely be standing most of the time. SHIT! I didn’t think about this until now. I will have to wear my dreaded brace. It won’t help 100% but it will help some. I will be sore as hell after and possibly the rest of the week. Good thing I have nothing planned. I really want to see my old coworkers. They are the best bunch of people to know. I will carry with me my little book so that I can get their addresses to send them Christmas cards.

I am suicidal because mentally I just can’t deal with the pain anymore. It has gone on too long. I really need to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescriptions. Otherwise, I am going to go another night of no pain meds. I just wish I had the fucking energy to get them. I would have someone else go, but you need an ID to get the meds. Just great. I have to go. I guess I will stop complaining about my ankle for another day.

but you don’t have…

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/well-at-least-its-not.html

This blog tells it as it is. it is an enjoyable read for those of us that get the stigma of well at least you don’t have…