Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

Rest is not as easy as it seems

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Resting is not as easy as it seems

Yesterday, I did nothing but stay in bed. I had to rest because I didn’t go to sleep right away when I got home. I was up till about 0300. Then my mother went shopping and my cousin wanted me to get the bags. I ignored the calls and tried to sleep as he was taking the bags up and down the stairs. I didn’t care. There was no way my ankle would like me going up and down the stairs. I would have been in worse pain than I was already in.

Today, I tried to stay in. It was fairly easy as it is cold out and I don’t feel like bracing myself for the cold. So I stayed in. I am going to see if my sister can pick up my prescription I have been neglecting to pick up. I just don’t feel like getting dressed. My sister just invited me to dinner and I turned that down. Anything that involves stairs or going out, is a no go.

I had therapy last night. I don’t remember much about it. Jekyll wants to be called Jack. He wanted to be in control but my therapist just kept on talking rather than listening and he got annoyed so went away again. I am glad we aren’t talking again until Tuesday. Next week is going to be a difficult week. I got to take my father to his appointment Thursday and then I have my appointment with my psych the next day. Back to back days of going out. Should be fun. NOT.

I am so tired today. The most I did was make a batch of popcorn. That set my ankle off again. And last night I noticed that the swelling was near my Achilles. I hope that I didn’t do something to it. I really don’t want to be in a boot come this cold weather. I swear being in this much pain has drained whatever energy I had. I am below zero in the energy boards. And I don’t think I can recover. I am trying to recover so that I can do what I can to get my coffee but it just isn’t working. I am just in too much pain. And having to take pain medication just makes you more tired than you were before. This just sucks. I would try and sneak in a nap right now but my mother will be making dinner soon. So even though I have been trying to rest, it hasn’t worked out that way. But I am keeping my ankle elevated so that is the important thing. I haven’t gone around to icing it. I keep forgetting to grab an ice pack on the way back up to my room.

I haven’t had coffee in two days. I think I am going to get the K-cups for my sister’s Keurig machine so I can make it at home. Might be better that way so I can get a decent cup of coffee when I want it. And it will be cheaper to do so. As long as I remember to buy the cream as well!

Next week on a day that I am not doing much, I am going to call the junk place and get my car out of the driveway. I would have done it today as it was a dry day but I don’t feel well. I am too tired to do anything. But if they come next week, I think it will be good to finally get rid of this car. And I might actually have a little money in my pocket. That would be nice.

Totally out of spoons

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Totally out of spoons

I am so spent. I did too much today and now I am paying for it. I just had my meal, a bowl of cereal. Now I can hopefully relax as I am hurting.

I had to do some stuff for my father, surprised? Tomorrow I get to do the same things I did today, minus going to his house. He must have called me like 6 times today. He is in pain and the medication doesn’t seem to be working. I told him he can take two medication but he refused. Let him be in pain then. I am tired of dealing with him today. Tomorrow he will be seen by his doctor and hopefully they can give him stronger pain medication. I don’t care about that right now.

I have to conserve my energy (spoons). I have a long day tomorrow as I have to deal with my father and then I will be going out to dinner with some friends in the evening. At noon, I am supposed to have therapy but I am not sure I will be home for that. I haven’t quite decided what I am going to do after my father’s appointment. I know I probably will go home so I can rest, but it all depends on what time the appointment ends. I hope that we aren’t there all morning. That will just suck.

I was not in a private space to really talk to my therapist today. She kept going on about how many spoons I have lost even before I went to see my father today. I had a productive morning, all with no coffee on board. I was hoping to have a cup when I got to Starbucks. But for whatever reason, the coffee sucked today, even the blonde roast didn’t taste right. I wasted my money today for the first time. I am so disappointed. I hope tomorrow is better, I am going to need the coffee to get me through the day.

My therapist was funny today. She called me a geek and I think complimented me on being very “Bostonian”. LOL I guess I said “wicked” too much today and it just got to her. I was glad for the light conversation, as like I said, I wasn’t in a private space so talking about my suicidality or self harm urges were out. I actually haven’t had any urges to cut since Sunday. We however briefly, talked about it today. I some how developed a pimple on one of my scars and it was triggering me to cut. It was very itchy and course, when I popped it, made it really angry. I really thought about cutting for the first time in months. I kept thinking about how to make the scar “better”. I know this doesn’t make sense, but it really was how I was thinking that day. I almost had to call her Sunday to talk me out of it or to contract for safety.

I am looking forward to going out to dinner with my friends tomorrow. I am going to go even if it will kill me. I will just bring my cane and I should be fine. We are going to go to one of my favorite restaurants so I really don’t want to miss it. Plus, I haven’t seen my friends all year because of my stinking pain. I don’t see them often. The last two times we were supposed to meet, I couldn’t go because I was on bed rest. I really am looking forward to seeing them, we have a lot of laughs. So even though it will hurt me, I am going to see them anyways. I will take my pain medication with me just so that I can mingle. Luckily, there won’t be too much walking involved once we get there. My friends live south of Boston, almost near the Rhode Island border. I have to take the commuter rail to get there. I am going with my friend, who cordially invited me and will be treating us to dinner. He does this at least a few times a year, usually when it is my friends’ birthday. He is nice like that.

I think I am going to have to take a strong medication to kill this pain that I am in. I have been at an 8 on a scale of 1-10 for the past hour or so and obviously, my regular pain meds aren’t touching it. I didn’t think they would. I just did too much today. I was on my feet for more than 20 minutes, I walked long distances, and generally ran out of spoons by the time I even got to my father’s house. And there was one errand that I forgot to do, and that was mailing my therapist’s letters. Totally forgot to grab the envelope before leaving and didn’t remember until I got to Starbucks. I’ll have to remember tomorrow to do it because the rest of the week I will not be leaving the house. I need to recharge my spoon counts.

Better, but not great

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Better, but not great

I slept fairly well last night, despite being in horrible pain. I woke up a few times before 9, but I was able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t until my phone’s app started beeping for me to take my blood pressure meds did I get up. Then I realized that I had to go to the post office to drop off the book for my neurologist. I sent her an email saying it is on its way. I should have put the review books in the mail. I think it would be nice to get reviewed by the American Association of Suicidology. But I am too scared of rejection that I hold back.

Today is a warm day. I was sweating by the time I came home from my errands. I picked up my meds too while I was out. My ankle is kindly thanking me now. I really want to go out and get coffee but I just missed the bus and the next one isn’t for another hour. So no coffee today. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it. Making coffee at home just doesn’t have the same appeal as going out for coffee.

Last night I was in a rough spot. I hope that I don’t ever be in that spot again. The suicidal thoughts were great and it would have been easy to take 14 pills. That was all that I needed to help my pain or make me sicker than a dog. I am glad I didn’t find out. But it scares me that I feel like that in the moment but this morning, I don’t feel like I did last night. Granted I am in less pain than I was in but still, I could have injured myself and no one would have known about it, least not until it was too late. My therapist wouldn’t get the texts until Monday. That wouldn’t have been any good.

I seriously thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already spoke to her that day. Granted it was an urgent situation and not a “hi, how are you” one. I just think that I can get through the episodes on my own, that I don’t need any help. I feel funny asking for help. It is like it goes against the grain of what I am feeling.

I have been in this situation plenty of times. I feel like if I do reach out for help, I am a bother. And I know that if I call my psychiatrist, she most likely will tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want that. The ER is not going to help me with my pain. They won’t find anything wrong with me and then ship me off to psych ER for further evaluation. Maybe they will put me in the hospital, maybe they won’t. I just know that I don’t want to go to the ER at all because it is a waste of time for me. And being in the hospital is a bigger waste of time, as I found that out in August.

Thing is, I was in a lot of pain, more than my normal amount that I am in. And it wears you out, both mentally and physically. Now that I am not in so much pain, I can look back on what was going on and be insightful.

in so much pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I don’t normally write these types of blogs. But dammit, I am in so much pain that I just don’t know what else to do but write. It started when I got home from my appointment, around 3 pm. I didn’t walk too much, except to get my haircut down the street from the hospital. I just don’t know why my pain meds are failing me. Usually they work and I should be sleeping by now. I am listening to music to distract myself because I am staring at the bottle of my pills and thinking about just emptying it. It will harm me, there is no doubt. Might even kill me as I took my night meds as well. I just have to get through the next hour so that the meds can work. I have tried going to sleep or snoozing but I just can’t get comfortable. my foot is throbbing so bad.

I really want to talk to someone yet i don’t. I have had enough of trying to talk to people today. If my psychiatrist doesn’t get it then I doubt anyone will. I just feel like no one believes me anymore when I say that I am in pain. Course I act like a “normal” person. No one can see the hurt. No one else feels the hurt. I don’t even have a limp. I might drag my foot but that would be it. But right now, I am not doing anything but sitting on my bed, having my foot up, resting as comfortably as I possibly can. But it’s not enough because I am still in pain. My foot is not swollen, least not as I can see. But it hurts like a SOB. I really hate feeling like my world is ending because of this pain. I know it should be getting better but it’s not. It feels like it is getting worse. I have to wait two weeks for my new doc appointment to find out what is wrong with my foot. I bet you 100 bucks that they find nothing wrong with it! That will just about kill me, I swear. I see my psychiatrist the week before my appointment. I am going to tell her that if they don’t find anything wrong with it, I am done seeing doctors and I am done with life. There is no reason for me to go on if i am going to be in pain all the time. This just sucks so bad.

I don’t know what my therapist is going to say. I texted her that I was thinking of emptying the bottle. I doubt I will get a response. I never get a response from her. I get frustrated with her, too. I am just in agony and no one knows about it, except for you, the blogger world and internet. But will anyone care that I am in horrendous pain? I doubt it. I am just so tired, exhausted, of dealing with this pain all the time. Sure it is worse at night. At night I battle it more. I don’t know why that is. No one knows why that is. I guess because I am at rest? but that doesn’t make any sense! I shouldn’t be in pain if I am at rest!! I should take some neurontin. Maybe what I am feeling is nerve pain, not physical pain and that is why the pain medication isn’t working. I don’t know. I really don’t want to get up again to get more pills. I am tired of taking pills. I take so many pills for different conditions. One for this, another for that. It is so redundant. Yet without these pills, I can’t function properly.

I don’t want to die right now. Yet I don’t want to live either. It is such a conundrum. I just want the pain to stop. I don’t think that is too much to ask for?? I really feel like no one understands the pain that I am in. If they did, they would try and help me more. I get to see one more doctor for the same condition that i have had for the last three years. I thought that the AFO would have helped me but no, it is making things worse. Yet if I don’t walk with it, I am in more pain than without it. I know I am probably feeling sorry for myself. But if I don’t, who is?