Tag: CRPS (formerly RSD)

broken sleep and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

My manuscript was delivered earlier today, early enough that I could go out for my coffee. I had wanted to stay in today and just rest but I got restless. Now my ankle is screaming at me. I am stupid sometimes. I think I can just go through my routine of taking the bus and stuff when last night I woke up three thirty in the morning because of pain and then fell back to sleep at six. I woke up around ten-thirty. So I had broken sleep and pain to warn me not to go out today.

I didn’t know what to do with the manuscript so I just punched holes in it so I could place it in a binder. I took one look at it and got overwhelmed. But then I am getting overwhelmed with everything lately. I think I just got to stick with my blog as that is what makes me happy. I don’t know about this other project my friend has cooked up. I want to help her out and stuff but I think me working on my book and then her project is too much for me. And her piece is just as emotionally exhausting because it centers around my suicidality over the last few months.

I was in the middle of an email to her today as I was coming home when this guy who I can tell has mental issues just came up with me and started a conversation with me about clothing and buying t-shirts at Walgreens because they were cheaper than elsewhere. I was like ok. Then he kept on going on and on and I was like dude, I need to finish this. I had my headphones back in my ears, was looking down at my phone, and this guy was still trying to have a conversation with me. Shit. He was harmless and stuff but he kept on getting closer to me, invading my personal space with every new conversation so that is when I told him I had to finish the email…which by then I totally forgot what my train of thoughts were. That pissed me off. I hate it when someone interrupts me when I am writing. Even my phone decides to interrupt me soon as I open Word. It will be quiet the whole time I am on Facebook but soon as Word is open, texts and emails start coming in and I am like WTF. So now I just turn off the sound while I am working.

Speaking of working, my niece wanted to me to watch Cinderella with her but I had to get what I wrote up in Starbucks in a word document before I totally got exhausted and doped up on my pain meds. I knew the time it takes for the pain to get jacked up and I would have to take something is limited so wanted to get it done before I was in Dopey Land. When I told her I couldn’t because I had work to do, she yelled out, “you have a job”?? I told her yes, I do. I didn’t tell her what, as technically I don’t but I am sick of just saying that I am disabled. And I am a writer now so might as well use that title. But my mother was sitting right next to her and when my niece screamed out those words, my mother heard it, then asked me to clarify. I was like, oh shit! Now what do I say?? I can’t fib to my mother. So I just said that I had to type and made the typing motion with my fingers. No one knows what I do during the day. And it is not like I am getting paid to write my blog or my book or help my friend with her projects. They don’t know how many journals I have filled since being out of work. But my niece struck a cord with me, like I should be working but I am not. And it hurts. I still am dealing with the grief of not working and there goes my eight year old niece stating the obvious. I just feel like a loser.

I have to send my baby (laptop) back to Dell because of the high pitched noise. It is totally deafening my senses when it goes off and literally drives me berserk. It’s not too noticeable when I am playing music but when I am not, holy crap is it loud. And I can only hear it in my left ear because my right has high pitch deafness. The buzzing in my brain goes away when I block my left ear. I might have to use my older laptop until I send this one away but the thing weighs more than this one and gets hot after a while. I am just afraid that I might throw my back out while shuffling it around my bed.

I still have been under the blue moon. As I was walking home, I got struck with this heavy sadness that just froze my chest. It felt like this huge weight was on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I swear the black clouds are still following me around and I am starting to feel hopeless that they will ever go away again. I know it is that time of the year that I always get more depressed than my usual. It always starts mid-September and won’t relent until sometime in February. I call it baseball depressive disorder because it always co-insides with the end of baseball season and doesn’t relent until spring training. I just hate feeling this way because even though I know it will pass, I just don’t think it will. I start getting wicked hopeless and as that deepens, my sadness just gets worse. Then the suicidal feelings increase and by December I am wondering why I am continue to live when I promised myself it was all going to be over with. I might do it, just because. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I hate feeling trapped into living because of others. It is no way to live. But yet I continue my existence because of others, because that is the type of person I am. And I hate myself for it. I really do.

stuck in misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

It’s after midnight and I am still in a lot of pain. I can’t sleep. My foot is throbbing like there is no tomorrow but alas tomorrow is here. I don’t know if I will fall asleep. I just took some more pain meds. That is four pills within two hours. I don’t care. My pain is a ten and I can’t stand it any longer. I feel like my foot is not even mine, that it belongs to someone else. This is the second time that my foot has been through the roof and I have dissociated my body part. I know this isn’t a good thing. I am meeting with my pdoc tomorrow and will discuss this with her. Maybe she can give me some tips to deal with this crap. But I doubt it. She will just reassure me that I am not going crazy, refill my prescription for my antipsychotic that I need, and set up another appointment with her in two weeks. I don’t know why I am going on continuing to suffer like this. I should just end it all. I just need to place a plastic bag over my head. But I don’t want my family finding me like that. I swear that is the only thing that is stopping me. If I had some other method that was less painful for them I might try it. Or if I could get a hotel room that would be better. Ah Ha, the midnight demons have surfaced and I am talking about death again. Funny, I don’t feel like Mr. Hyde. I don’t have the dread feeling I usually do when Hyde takes over. Maybe I am just feeling so badly because I want this pain to stop and it has been hours and it still has not ceased. I came home around four this afternoon. My ankle gave out on me around three. I remember the time because I wanted to catch the dreaded 15:13 bus. But I missed it when I was off trying to figure out what to get for dinner at the meat market.

I haven’t felt this way in over two weeks. I know last week I felt like taking the bottle of pain killers but this week, the pain has been so bad I can’t think straight to kill myself. thing is I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to stop. But I don’t want to live either, so what am I going to do? I have been writing in my journal for the past hour and filled it up. Now I have to move on to another journal. I started that journal in May. I am hoping the new Journal lasts until the end of December. God I hate feeling like this. I feel so useless and hopeless. I really feel like everything is just so dark and gray. I don’t see any colors except black. It is terrible to feel this way. Part of me knows this will pass but another part of me is unsure. I am tempted to call my pdoc. I know that I will see her tomorrow but I am worried about my safety. I took two ativans to try and calm me down and they have not kicked in yet. My foot is so bad that I can’t move my toes and every time I can’t move my toes on my left foot, I panic. I think that CES, cauda equina syndrome is back. I have to keep telling myself that I am not in severe back pain, that I still have control over my leg even though I can’t move my toes, that I am not numb like I should be if I was getting CES again. I am not saying that this is in my head. I know it is not. It’s just that the pain is making me crazy and thinking all this stupid shit. That is why I take the ativan, to help calm me down and stop the endless thought process. But tonight it just doesn’t seem to help me. I am stuck in misery. I can’t get unstuck.

I bought some pens tonight. I got a temporary “high” from my buying powers. I love buying pens. I don’t need them but I just have to have them. I got different colors this time. I usually just buy black pens but they had these cool looking colored pens so I had to get them. I can’t wait till they come in.

I bought a book that my psychiatrist wrote. I haven’t started reading it yet. It is about child mental illness so I am not sure I want to read it. I feel bad for kids that have mental problems, and I don’t mean just ADHD. When I was in college my psych professor had us read about a kid named Gus. He went through many hospitalizations and foster homes because he was depressed and suicidal. he was also a very abused kid. It was tough reading it. I think child abusers should be shot torturously before finally putting a bullet through their head or they should be fed to hogs alive. I have been abused and would so want my abuser to go through the kind of pain that he put me through.

I have been debating going into the hospital for a few weeks now. I am thinking that I might have to and that now is a “good” time to go. I always get really depressed and suicidal around this time of year and it lasts until February usually. It never fails that the middle of September I fall into the pit of depression and I can’t get out of it. It has been this way since 2005. Thing is, I am too lazy this time to actually pack my things like I usually do. I keep putting it off, saying I don’t need to. But I have my menses right now and I hate having to wear female underwear and then having to change pads while in the hospital. You don’t get a bin to throw the pads away and have to use the main bucket in the bathroom so it is really gross to have to do your business then carry the trash with you. Maybe I will go when the menses stop, whenever they do. But I am hoping I will feel better afterwards and I won’t have to do. I have not been in the hospital for over a year. But I know I need to go in. I need my batteries recharged, so to speak. I can’t quite explain the relief I feel when I am in a locked unit in the hospital. Sure it will suck not having my laptop with me but I am hoping I will have my tablet at least. I also hope I will have my headphones with me. that is all that I want. And of course my journal and writing pad. The only thing that will suck is that I will have a shit load of blogs to type up when I get out. I might be able to type up in the hospital on the tablet but I am not sure about internet connection. Course it all depends what kind of unit I get placed into.

stuck in a black hole

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Well today I thought I had enough spoons to get me through the day of getting coffee and dropping off my return to UPS. Then I decided to be bold to go a little shopping after my coffee to get dinner. I was wrong. I was half way back to the bus stop when my ankle gave out on me. CRAP!! For those that can walk normally, PLEASE PLEASE don’t take this for granted! It is so essential for me to have my own transportation (my feet) that every day that I cannot do something because of pain, makes me so very sad. Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long for the bus and it took me over twenty minutes to walk home from the bus stop where it normally takes me less than ten minutes. Because I already was in agony, I decided to go to Walgreens to pick up Ocean Spray’s new Cranberry drink, Cran-Lemonade. It is soooo good even my finicky niece loves it!

Dell has been trying to get in touch with me the last two days. If I wasn’t in great pain, I would have answered the call today as my laptop is making a high pitch whine noise that is absolutely driving me fucking crazy. It sounds like a cop car coming but really I think it is the cooling fan starting and stopping. Whatever it is, I did NOT have this problem before I shipped out my laptop. I will try calling them tonight or maybe sending them an email because the morons can’t speak good English. The messages they have left me have been undecipherable. Sorry but if you work for customer service you should have GOOD English speaking skills for an American company!!!

I still am feeling blue. I feel like this huge black cloud is following me every where I go. I don’t “see” colors except for black and gray. I hate being in this world. And I know it is going to pass but that does help for the time being. It sucks being this way. I called my repro endo doc and she is out of the fricken country. Just fricken great. Secretary was able to give me an appointment on Monday, so that is something at least. Hopefully this siege will be over by then. I know that is what is making me feel more miserable than usual. I have decided that I can live with a certain amount of misery in my life. In fact, I expect it. My world has been filled with gray clouds for most of my life so what is the difference if there are black clouds following me. I never see the sun. I am so far away from it that I am just stuck in a black hole.

My battery came close to dying on me today and I had it. It was the last straw. I went back to the extended battery that I have. I just hope it lasts until I can get another one. Damn things are expensive. Sprint has one but it is only slightly bigger than a standard. I got a thicker battery through some website that I am going to have to track down through my Amazon purchases. I buy all my cell phone accessories through Amazon. I love it as you can get really good deals. Too bad I didn’t get a deal on the hundred dollar headphones set I bought. They only work on Apple products. I would have returned them but I didn’t want to go through the hassle so I just kept them. They are good quality headphones but I can’t use the stupid remote it came with. I tried handing them off to my niece and nephew who have iTouch/iPod but they don’t like the earbuds. Kids!

psychosis rebound?

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

My writing partner and I came to an agreement today about writing. I am glad she meant five days and not five pages a day! I would really struggle writing if I had to spew out five pages a day. It would be a worthwhile effort for both of us, but neither of us would be able to keep at it all the time. We can sometimes barely put together two page, let alone five.

I had time before my mock interview today and wrote like three pages. My fricken phone kept going off with email and text notifications so it was hard to write consistently. I wasn’t writing emotionally charged stuff, just my experience but the distractions were enough for me to feel like it was incoherent. I was writing on a legal pad so I am hoping that while I am typing it into a document, it makes sense and that I can add to it.

I almost made it home in one piece. I went to Walgreens for some snacks and while I was walking down the inclined walkway to go home, my foot exploded. It felt like it wanted to flex into a ball like your hand does. It was so painful and I still had a block and half to go before I was home. It was the slowest walk I ever walked. What normally would take me ten minutes took me twenty. It was so bad that normally I have no problem taking off my pants but I couldn’t. I lost mobility in my foot to kick the pants off me. Just glad I didn’t fall because I don’t have good balance on my right foot when I need it.

Got a call from Dell today. My baby has been shipped home and I should get it tomorrow. I didn’t get any calls about the hard drive (not that I thought it was a drive issue) so I am hoping that all my files are intact. It will be so good to be back on the new one, though I know it will be weird at first. I just got used to the old laptop’s keyboard, which is slightly different than the new one. I will be happy when I know she is safely in my hands again. I can’t wait to take her out to Starbucks sometime this week to finish typing my manuscript. I am almost at the 150 mark. By the end of the week, I should be close to 170 and that is where I plan on ending it for a while. My writing partner just advised me to save it six different places and let it stew for a while before working on it. Trouble is that I have a hard time editing a paper on a computer screen. I might have to go to FedEx and print it out to have it safe or go to staples. It might be cheaper there to print out than FedEx. I will have to do some shopping around as I don’t have a working printer at home. I think my sister does so maybe I can save some $$ there.

The mock interview went fast. I was “seen” for about twenty-five minutes, the shortest time I ever had an interview for. The lady was an older woman, probably in her late fifties, early sixties, and every time she asked a question, I would answer and then lose track of what I was saying so I stopped talking. My pdoc kept calling me a lifesaver, whatever that meant. I did bring up my neurological issues and pain issues. At the end she just recommended that I get compression stockings. The weirdest session I ever had! Even my pdoc was like taken aback. She never worked with her before and I felt bad for her. The guy I had last year, even though he kind of sucked was a better interviewer. He only sucked because he wanted things done on a time limited basis so I felt rushed in answering his questions. Plus we got off on a bad start as I didn’t have an ailment on the top of my head, which seemed to annoy him. This time I was prepared but I am glad I just stuck with ankle pain/inflammation rather than body part dissociation. I don’t think that would have gone over well. She didn’t even seem interested when I brought up my depression. I wanted to bring up suicidal thinking but caught myself. I knew this lady was not going to handle THAT at all. If I was a ball buster, I probably should have but I am not. I think it would have been great but my psych was there and I didn’t want to cause myself to go to the ER with just mentioning it. I so wish I talked about the out of body experience. I could have had so much fun with it. But this lady was so damn dry. I talked about it with my pdoc and she agreed. I hope her day got better. I see her Friday for my regular appointment.

I don’t know why I had such anxiety after this experience or if what I was trying to write stirred some stuff up. I just was really panicky and the voices went berserk on me. They ALL came in on me soon as I was alone, nitpicking everything I did and said during the interview. I didn’t take my antipsychotic last night. I don’t fricken care about side effects but I am taking the full 10 mg tonight. I might even take some trilafon if the stupid door chime I hear before a voice enters doesn’t stop. I know I am exhausted and that just makes it worse but I need to feel like I am in control again.

I’m going to go make myself a cup of Chamomile tea. I need it for its calming effects and to try and get the stupid post nasal drip out of the back of my throat!