Tag: CRPS

shaky arms are back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Shaky arms are back

Appliances that I ordered for my mother came this morning. I didn’t get much sleep. The delivery guys were fast and installed the washer. Thankfully there were no problems, other than the washer need “high efficiency” detergent. I just told my mother to use less detergent. I don’t know why she would use more than a quarter of a cup anyways as the damn thing is so sudsy. She wanted another washer but they didn’t have one that were the size or price range she wanted. She said she would use less. I told her after 10-20 loads, she could just use white vinegar to prevent mold and mildew. She agreed.

I made a sandwich and then went up to my room. I had made coffee but it didn’t help my poor sleep. I took a nap for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling weird. I used the bathroom before my bladder burst. Came back upstairs and then my arms felt like spaghetti. Not what I wanted to feel. It was side effects to the Invega. I quickly took an Ativan before they became worse. I don’t get this way often like I did when I was on the abilify. I hate this feeling. It is the worse.

I called my mother and told her to hold dinner for me. I would be sleeping for a few hours as I didn’t feel good. She didn’t ask what was wrong, thank god. I am feeling restless so I don’t know if I will be able to get back to sleep. I got to wait for the Ativan to kick in. My ankle pain is rearing its ugly head. I just feel like giving up. Last night I was swimming in despair. I wrote some stuff in my journal and then vented to a friend via email. I don’t remember what I wrote. She wrote back in the morning with the words in all caps “Don’t kill yourself”, so I must have written something to that effect. I have been feeling a little suicidal at night. I think it is this time of year. Being in severe pain doesn’t help. I put on an ace bandage thingy and slept with it. For the first time in a month or so, I was able to stand without too much pain so it obviously helped.

Now my ankle/foot feels like it is made of strings. Fuck! I hate this type of side effect the most but it is the least concerning. It doesn’t happen often, so I am grateful for that. I just emailed my psych about this to keep her in the loop.

I closed my window because it was bloody cold in my room when I woke up. Holy crap! It wasn’t snowing or raining yet. That wouldn’t start until the afternoon. When I checked the mail, there were flurries. They didn’t appear to be sticking. My mother had turned down the heat because of yesterday’s high temps. I turned it up as it was cold in the house. I must have been cold during the night because my comforter was on me. It’s still chilly in my room but it’s bearable. I like the cold anyways. My ankle and foot, however, doesn’t. They are warm under the blankets right now. I have made sure to keep them warm. Last thing I need is that icy coldness that CRPS brings. Takes forever to warm up and then when it does, it burns.

I have to go out tomorrow to get my prescriptions at my PCP’s office. I don’t get paid till Monday so I won’t be able to get them until then. I just calculated all the meds I need to get next week and it’s going to be roughly $60. I was hoping to fix my laptop this month but I don’t think I can afford it. I’m still waiting to see what my premium is for my medical insurance. I haven’t received the letter yet, which is odd because I usually get it the beginning of the month. I somehow messed up my finances as I don’t have that much money left over after all my bills are paid. I think I might have to shrink my grocery bill somehow. I wanted to make a chili cornbread casserole. The ingredients are not too expensive, except for the beef. I will have to go to the butcher shop. I like their meat better than the grocery store. You can definitely taste the difference. I might buy a 3 lb bag of beef. Then I can make my dirty gravy. My mother is not a chili fan so I will most likely eat this thing, if my brother in law doesn’t have some. My sister might as she likes hot stuff.

Ativan is kicking in so I am going to rest now. The spaghetti feeling is fading. I am glad.

another warm February day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another warm February day

It is 72 degrees F right now. I went on my back porch and there were bugs flying. I need to fix my screen for my window. I had broken it in November when I took out my AC. It was either break it or have the AC fall. I just hope the screen place can fix it and I don’t have to go to Home Depot for the frame. It is mostly intact except for the corners. The screen itself is okay.

I woke up at 5 again in pain. I was sweating because it was hot in my room. I wanted to shower but it was too early. I would probably wake up my sister and brother in law as their bedroom is below my bathroom. I stayed up for a bit and then got hungry so made a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep even though my foot was angry.

I woke up around noon. My friend in Canada had messaged me so we were talking for a bit. I wanted to make pancakes but my foot and ankle were being assholes. I didn’t want to flare it up more. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to move, much less leave my room. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I decided to shower and then make some buffalo wings. I think my mother is making a chicken stir fry as I saw some chicken chunks in the fridge. She is probably going to make rice for an army. I don’t understand why she makes so much when no one eats it. It ends up getting moldy and then tossed. Drives me crazy.

I haven’t read Harry today, not yet anyway. Voldemort just got the Elder Wand. I decided to stop there, for now. After I read Harry, I plan on reading 1984. There has been a lot of talk about the book since the Orange Buffoon has been in office. I think I read it when I was in high school or soon after I graduated, though I really don’t remember what it was about. I keep thinking of Brave New World and I know that isn’t the same thing.

warm day in February

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Warm day in February

A very unusual day today as temps reached 70 degrees. I don’t ever remember the temps being that high this time of year for Boston. Despite the nice weather, my pain didn’t decrease. Standing was difficult all day and the bones in my ankle joint hurt really bad. I woke up in pain and just stayed in bed though my phone kept on ringing after 10 am. I was getting annoyed. My mother wanted me to turn down the heat and I said yeah, if I went downstairs, which wasn’t happening soon. She came home a little while later with my loud mouth cousin in tow. Fuck. I was hungry so I went downstairs as I had to use the bathroom. As I was making something, my cousin said I was always eating. Fuck, really? It was noon time so excuse me for wanting some food. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. It made me so mad. I had to suffer with him and my mother call me she/her and my birth name. I kept my mouth shut because he is a judgmental fuck and doesn’t like anything to do with LGBT. I just ate and wanted to make coffee but couldn’t stand being around him. I went back to my room and of course he had something to say to that, too. I waited for him to leave before going back down to make coffee. I made it a little strong but it was good.

I read Harry Potter for most of the day. The pain in my ankle did not drown out at all. I took some ibuprofen as it was bone pain and I just ate so I could take the max dose. When I was done with reading an hour or two later, I was still in the same level of pain. I was tempted to call my PCP as the pain is getting worse than my “normal” pain. I haven’t done anything that I recall. Only thing that stopped me was that I knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like he was going to change my meds or anything. I am so tired of living with this pain and just going on this existence. Like what the fuck is the point?

I’m going back to the Wizard World. I really want to finish this book this week.

Round Here Buzz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Round here buzz

Decided to listen to music and this was the first song on my playlist. Love Eric Church and this album. Must have listened to this song thousands of time. My top three songs on this album, other than the title, Mr. Misunderstood, are Round here buzz, Mixed drinks with feelings, and Record Year.

I had another early morning awakening. Around the same time too, 5 am. I stayed up for about an hour and just as I was about to fall back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I forgot to change the time before falling asleep last night. I took the pill and was able to get back to sleep. I slept till around 1300 or so. I was really sleepy and didn’t want to get up. My ankle was still being a jerk. I wanted coffee and knew it wasn’t going to make itself as I had no magic wand so I went downstairs to the kitchen. I made a two cheese egg burrito and Casi Cielo. Coffee was good. I brought it back up to my room and decided to read for a bit. I put on the stopwatch and found that I read a chapter in like 20-25 minutes. So I kept on reading. I was in the part of the Deathly Hallows where they were at the Ministry and freed the muggle borns from the court. I couldn’t stop there so read some more until Ron leaves after he finds out Ginny was punished for trying to steal the sword of Gryffindor.

There were about four eggs left after I made my burrito so I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some more. I had about a half hour before the next bus would come. I went downstairs to put my mug in the sink and told my mother I would be going to the store to get eggs. Then I asked her if she wanted to get the washer as it was on sale and today was the last day for it. She said she wanted to look at it. I said are you waiting for the washer to completely break before getting a new one? I told her by then the price would go up and she would pay more. She said okay. I showed her the washer that was similar to the one we had. No fancy buttons or anything. She wanted to see if it was big enough to wash a blanket. I said it was a deep fill washer so I think so. But she wanted to be sure so I read the description to her. I told her this washer could wash 14 towels at once so I think one blanket would fit. She said she wanted a freezer as well so after I place the washer in the cart, I checked out the freezers. Found one that looked like the one she wanted and went with her step by step on what she wanted as far as warranties and such. By the time I was done, I had missed the bus. I figure I would catch another bus route rather than the Square as it was getting late.

I went upstairs to get dressed, happy that we had a new washer on the way. I went back downstairs and asked my mother if 4 dozen eggs would be okay. I don’t know why I asked. She then asked the price of the eggs and I told her. She said that was too expensive and I nearly went insane when she said 2 dozen. I said you want me to go out for just 2 dozen eggs??? I said whatever and went downstairs to vent to my sister. I swear my mother thinks things should be a buck and if they are not, wait till they are on sale. We had 4 eggs that is not going to last till they are on sale! My mother and I use eggs nearly every day. I vented then caught the bus. I didn’t feel like listening to music so just rode the bus. The grocery store was not crowded and I liked that. I grabbed what I needed and a half gallon of juice.

I went to the busway and realized the bus there wouldn’t be coming for another hour so I caught the bus to the Square to catch the bus home. My ankle was killing me by the time I came home. Felt like a rod was going through my foot if I bared full weight on it. I was exhausted like I had been doing shit all day. My mother was making supper when I came home. I put the things away and just as I put the last dozen in the fridge, my ankle flared again. I sat for a bit and put my foot in the air so nothing was putting pressure on it. It was a stop gap measure. I was still hurting when I got up a few minutes later to change out of my jeans. I should have taken a pain pill but didn’t think of it. After I finished eating and went back up to my room, I took it.

I went on my laptop and checked out twitter. The Orange Buffoon was starting shit again, blaming everyone but himself for things. Then I saw Red Sox news and was scanning all my Sox tweety buddies. Deal has been made with JD Martinez, a free agent outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks. They have been talking about signing him ALL fricken off season and today is the day they finally do, much to my chagrin. We got him for 5 yrs at $21 mill/year, pending a physical. I had to laugh when someone proposed a lineup that had Ramirez, our current DH, as playing first base! HA! He only played a handful of games at first base all last season. I don’t expect him to when we have Moreland! I don’t remember if Ramirez had shoulder surgery in the off season or not. A few guys did. But Ramirez stinks either way. He has been with us two years now and hasn’t done shit. This will be his third season with us. I always like to see how spring training goes before I decide on anyone. But this bozo who listed his probable line up was a complete joke. We have a new manager for the Sox so it will be interesting how he plays people. I don’t know if he goes by analyses or not. The former manager did so would have a guy off for a certain pitcher. I don’t know if Cora (manager) will do the same or not. I cannot wait. First Spring Training game will be this Friday!! I just hope it will be on the radio!