Tag: depression

In Pain and Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In pain and can’t sleep

I have been fighting pain since I came home. Soon after I finished my previous blog today, my middle finger knuckle started hurting. I took some aspirin hoping it would settle it down some. It did but then it wore off and is now hurting more than my damn ankle. If I move my finger, I am in more pain so I am trying to not move it too much. Good thing I don’t give people the finger too often, hehehe.

I have been listening to Pandora for the past couple of hours. It’s Terri Clark radio and it is a good mix of songs, older country to new. I love it. AND it plays Terri Clark songs, unlike the Jake Owen radio station I created. I created it to listen to Jake, and I got about 30 songs before I got to Jake. I also got people that weren’t country like Rhianna and someone else. I don’t remember the name. I think I will have to delete the station and start over.

I am very tired, more tired than I was when I wrote my other blog. But soon as I lie down, I wake up. I get restless and can’t lie down anymore. Yet when I am sitting up I can rest. It doesn’t make sense. I think I need to take an Ativan to get some sleep. I think I am nervous about tomorrow because I have to be up early to catch the 0949 bus. I should be awake by then but with this nervousness, I don’t know if I will be. I always get nervous that I will oversleep when I need to get up early. I set my alarm, just in case. If I get up before 7 but after 5, I will just stay up. If I wake up at 4 I am going to try and go back to sleep. I just don’t know how many hours I will be sleeping.

I keep plowing through my book “Dead Wake”. I find it so sad that there were warnings but no one headed them. It’s like the left hand didn’t know what the right was doing. And they thought for sure that no submarine was going to attack a civilian passenger liner. More people were killed on this boat than the Titanic. I don’t think there were any survivors, though I haven’t read the entire story, yet. I do know there were close to 2,000 dead. Just a sad story. And I am reading it for the history part and because I am a history person. I also like sunken ships and such. It is what drew me to the Titanic when they found her in 1984/5. To me, it was unimaginable that such a tragedy could happen but because it did, marine travel changed. Boats were fitted with lifeboats for ALL passengers and crew and radio communications were open 24/7. In the book, the captain of the ship ordered practice drills for lifeboats several times.

I need to get a card for my Godmother tomorrow as Wednesday is coming soon. I will try and get one while I am out and about in the morning. If I remember, maybe I will hit CVS before I hit Starbucks. I can’t believe how much my finger is throbbing. I hate arthritic pain. I hate pain in general, but arthritic pain has to be the worse because it just hurts whenever you move that joint. I am trying to keep my hand as stable as possible but I do have to flex my finger to type. It’s not really my finger that is aching, it’s the knuckle behind it. I had to take my ring off my ring finger to ease the pressure. It just sucks. And I can’t sleep because between my ankle and my hand/knuckle, I can’t fall asleep. I want to attack the donuts I bought. I know that is not going to help my pain but it will help something. But I don’t want to start eating when I am stressed because that isn’t a good thing.

Soon as my quote is published tonight, I am going to send it to my therapist. It fits with the theme of frustrated needs and suicide. Thing is, I don’t know why Shneidman uses succorance rather than love. The word is so old that Word doesn’t recognize it. I don’t know where the word has its origins. I like the history of words. I think it’s neat to know where a word came from, whether it be Latin or Greek or whatever. According to Merriam-Webster (aka Google) the word means dependence, especially a dependence on or an active seeking for nurturant care. It’s from the British, which probably explains why Word doesn’t recognize the word. So people who are looking for someone to care for them and don’t find it get frustrated and want to kill themselves. Makes sense, to me anyway. I am sure there are other mitigating factors other than this one need being thwarted that leads to thinking about suicide, however. Suicide is never just one thing. It’s usually a cascade of things that just comes to a head and you just can’t take anymore. Like being in excruciating pain every day and one day it just becomes too much to bear. That is when the planning starts and the time becomes shorter. You might act impulsively or it can be a planned event. I always have a planned event but my dates always get thwarted by my damn treaters. They still want me to stick around for to avoid THEIR pain, not mine. Maybe I will take that up with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Why she wants me to live when I am not sleeping and I am in so much pain it keeps me up and give me fucking anxiety. That to me is worse than being in pain in the first place. Thing I don’t understand is that when my pain is elevated, my BP and pulse rate aren’t. It’s strange. But I still want to die because I rather die than live this way anymore. I am only here to prevent other people’s pain and that is no way to live.

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.

Quote of the Day 5 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

If the pain were relieved then the individual would be willing to live. Nobody wants to embrace pain; we just want to get out of the way of the hooves that hurt us.–Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

No Social Media Tonight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

No Social Media Tonight

I am recording the Country Music Awards, which I will watch tomorrow, I hope. So until then, I have to avoid twitter and facebook because everyone is talking about who won. I get text messages from twitter for my favorite DJ and had to put a stop to that. She was also tweeting all the winners.

After I had dinner, I had to take a nap for some reason. I was really tired and I am not sure why. I usually help my mother cook dinner when her back is acting up. I didn’t do much as things were almost done anyway. The most I did was put pasta in a pan to cook. I helped to clear some of the stuff away after we ate. I didn’t wash anything as I don’t do it “right”. I don’t know why my energy levels went to zero after doing this light activity. I was feeling tired anyways so maybe that is why. I never went to the store. I’ll probably go tomorrow while I am out.

I am having weird sensations in my arms. They feel like string beans. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. It’s uncomfortable but bearable, least for now. I need more sleep. Usually, I get these sensations if I am sleep deprived. I just took my night meds so I am waiting for them to kick in. Since taking double dose of my mood stabilizer, I have been feeling better. The depression is still rearing its ugly head but I am not feeling manicky.

I got a call from Dell today, giving me an update on my laptop. They are working on repairing it now and it should take a couple days to do so. I was hoping it was going to take less time, but as long as it is done right, I don’t care how long it takes. I think it should be shipped out to me sometime next week. I hope there are no problems with it after they fix it. The last time they fixed it, I had to return it to them because the fan was making a high pitched noise. It was driving me insane. Luckily, that was still under warranty at the time so I didn’t have to pay for it.

I just looked up when was the first time I started the “Quote of the Day”. It’s been almost a month. I am going to have to keep a notebook so there are no repeats. Shneidman likes to repeat himself. I have found the quote “there are many pointless deaths but no needless suicides” at least three times in the book, so far. I am re-reading it because it is an interesting book. The next session talks about how he was able to predict who would kill themselves and who wouldn’t in a study he was researching. I find that fascinating. If only we could apply it to the real world. I must have read this at least four times so I know what to expect. I think he writes a little bit of all this stuff in every book he wrote. Most of these books he wrote toward the end of his life so it’s not surprising there are repeated things. There are still some books that I want just so that I have his collection of works. But they are hard to find because they are no longer in print. I used to have a website that had out of print books but I don’t remember the name. I think it was in Canada. I found Murray’s classic “Explorations in Personality” in it. It was printed in 1938. I have not read it. I have this thing where I buy books and they collect dust. I say I am going to read it, and never do. I have three books so far that I bought three years ago that I still haven’t read. It was tough because the “Battle Cry for Freedom” took me so long to read that it kind of left me not want to ever read again. But I am making headway with “Dead Wake” and I am happy with that. I think because the chapters are short, I am able to get through the book.

I really want to go on Twitter. But I don’t want to see who won awards. And it’s a pain to mute everyone because then I have to unmute them tomorrow.

I really don’t want to see my father tomorrow. But I have no choice. Think I will reward myself with a roast beef sandwich and onion rings afterwards. I also need to try and get a haircut. This Friday I have to see my pdoc. I don’t want to see her either. I am kind of mad at her because she didn’t respond to any of my emails that I sent to her. Not one acknowledgement that she even received them. It pisses me off when I don’t hear back from her. It’s like I am sending the messages to cyberspace when I don’t hear back.