Tag: depression

hindsight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I decided not to go out to day. By the time I thought about it, I would have to rush to catch the bus and I didn’t feel like rushing. I might go to Walgreens later to get a card for my Godmother, whose birthday is next week. I also want to get the fricken snacks I have been craving. The last time I went to Walgreens, they were out of them.

I had therapy today and I shared my thoughts about this paper that I want to write. It’s something I started before we had our little disagreement. But now that I know that she isn’t going anywhere, I think I can go back to it. I might work on it today, while I figure out what to do with myself now that I am not going to the Square. Tomorrow I need to go out to my father’s. I saw him last night and he was his typical self, watching what everyone was doing. I didn’t have too much interaction with him. He really aggravates the fuck out of me, just seeing him fills me with disgust. I talked about it in therapy today. She was telling me that it’s because of his narcissism that I feel this way. He is just an asshole in my book.

I’m feel really down today. I had a cup of tea to warm me up as well as a comfort. I really love a good cup of tea. I didn’t feel like making coffee because I thought I would be going out today. But I think my bowels have other plans for me today. I feel like I got the runs brewing. I might have to cut back on the senna. It’s always a balancing act. Drives me nuts. I didn’t talk about the depression with my therapist. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about it. We were talking more about my frustrated needs and how to apply them that I really didn’t want to bring it up.

We talked some more about an adjunctive therapist. But I think it’s just talk. I really don’t see it going anywhere. It would be a dream to see my twitter doc as I really like him and I think we would be a perfect fit. But he has a dog and I am not a dog person, though the dog mostly sleeps. Least that is the impression I get from all the pics he posts of her.

I checked the status of my baby (laptop). It is being repaired so I should get it sometime next week, if they don’t have to order parts. I am getting used to the laptop I am using but I like my lighter laptop better.

I just realized I am wearing scrubs for PJs. Score, I don’t have to change to go out! I will just go to Walgreens. It’s warm today so I will just wear a T-shirt. I hope they have my snacks in stock or I will be disappointed.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal the past few days. I think the increase in trileptal (mood stabilizer) at night has some protective factors. I wish it would help with my damn sleep though. I woke up at fucking 0500. I was able to get back to sleep but come on. I hate waking up early because the day just drags. Even when I read my book, it takes me a few minutes to go through a chapter because they are not really long. They are about ten pages or less. And it is easy reading, so that helps. What bothers me about this book is that the tragedy could have been avoided had the British Navy interceded the damn Lusitania and escorted her to her port. There were warnings before the ship set sailed the Germans wanted to sink the ship. HELLO?? But I guess hindsight is 20/20, after the fact. Just like the Titanic being in full steam during iceberg season.

Quote of the Day 4 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes

The central issue in suicide is not death or killing; it is rather, the stopping of the consciousness of unbearable pain which-unfortunately-by its nature entails the stopping of life. -Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Do Nothing Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing Tuesday

I had therapy today. It was productive. We talked about the multiple texts that I sent her during my anxiety attack that I had yesterday afternoon/evening. She said that it was all PTSD related. I told her I was going out of my mind and she said next time try and move around, not stay in the same space. I suppose I could have left my room so I wasn’t so isolated. But I also didn’t feel like being around my mother. She doesn’t understand my illness and would not be helpful at all. If anything, it would worry her. And I don’t need anyone else knowing that I have anxiety brought on by pain. I tried to get someone on twitter to respond but got nowhere. I had people on Facebook help, but they were thinking panic attacks and I wasn’t having that. I was just really anxious and shaky. I wasn’t hyperventilating or feeling like I was going to die, or any of the other symptoms of a panic attack. It didn’t reassure me that my therapist said it was PTSD, but I guess that is better than what I was thinking, general anxiety disorder.

We talked about the needs and I explained what the difference was. I don’t know if she was writing it down or not. It sounded like she did because she asked me to repeat some of the words. We spent some time talking about it and how it could be useful for us. It was a long list but it is what it is. Tomorrow we’ll talk most about it. She also wants me to star my texts if they are important so we can talk about them during session. I don’t know if I can remember to do that when I am in the fit of emotion. She also wants me to send her more blogs. I only send her the ones that are pertinent to our conversation. I will have to ask her tomorrow what she means by that. I write a lot of blogs lately so I need to know what she wants. And stupid WordPress doesn’t make it easy to share the blogs. It’s kind of stupid that you have to view it in order for you to share it. It was easier before they did the update. I have to do it on my phone so I can text message her.

We didn’t get to talk about the depression. She did want me to talk to my pdoc about my mood stabilizer. Today I am not feeling like doing anything. I am really tired because I woke up at 0600 again. I fell back to sleep and that just did me in for the day. I had no energy to do anything. Even now I am struggling to stay awake. I even had a cup of coffee. It was good and strong so I don’t know why it’s putting me to sleep. Only meds I took today was my BP meds and they don’t make me sleepy. I have been on them more than a year now. I think not sleeping yesterday just got caught with me today. I knew I wasn’t going to go out, though I tried to do an errand for my mother. It was a good thing because I emptied my bank account so I can get a haircut and get a birthday card for my Godmother. Her birthday is next week. I don’t think I will be seeing her. My cousin’s birthday is Friday. I have to remember to text her even though she is on vacation. All these birthdays. Today is my sister’s. I really don’t feel like getting dressed to go over my other sister’s house but I have to. I hope they have the cake early so I can go home sooner rather than later.

My father is over the house. I didn’t go to his house last week because my back was out. He looked like he was afraid to touch me like I was a leper or something. Idiot. He never called to check on me either, not like I was expecting it. My sister took care of the meds, which I was grateful for.

Quote of the Day 3 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Quotes, suicide

There are many pointless deaths but never a needless suicide. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache