Tag: depression

Good Day in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Good day in therapy

I had therapy this afternoon and it went well. We talked about my stressors over the weekend and the night where I was up till 0600. I told her in detail of what had kept me up and where I kind of didn’t know why I kept avoiding bed. I honestly don’t know what I was doing in the wee hours of the morning.

I told her that my application for Zipcar had to be put on hold because my laptop has priority at the moment. She seemed okay with this but really was again pushing for another therapist. She wanted to give me some names and I refused to take them. She wants me to have the best care, which she feels she is unable to do because of the phone. She said she isn’t going anywhere and she isn’t mad at me. I told her that if we continue, she needs to shut up more and let me talk. Not every problem needs fixing. I am using my old laptop to see if it can do what I want to do. My box came for my “baby” but with the battery still not charging, I want to make sure I can get by until the new batter comes in, which will be later this week.

Overall, I say it was a good session until she started bringing up her consulting group telling her this was no good and that I would be better off with someone else. I had a feeling someone else was behind the idea of seeing someone new. I am grateful her phone has been having difficulties so she hasn’t called the center number I gave her. It’s in my area, though it will take two buses to get there. I wish I could just walk down the long street but I just can’t. It’s too hilly and my ankle would not like it at all. The other people she was suggesting I see were DBT based therapists but not strictly DBT. I have no idea if they would take my insurances. The whole idea fills me with tremendous anxiety. This is why I haven’t seen my neurologist because I am not sure how much I will have to pay to see her.

We also discussed how I was doing and I told her about the email I sent to my psych. I still haven’t heard back from her, but she is away so might not have a chance. I told my therapist that I am just frustrated with the depression coming all the time and not being able to breath sometimes because it is so heavy. I also told her I told my psych that I am frustrated with the depression and that nothing can be done about it.

I have figured out a way not to get distracted on the phone with my therapist and that is by putting on the “do not disturb” function on my phone. It worked today, though I didn’t get any phone calls. Yesterday while I was on the phone with Dell, I must have had three phone calls during the hour I was on the phone. I never get phone calls, only when I use my phone. Yesterday was also the record for calls. I used my phone quite a bit. I am glad I have unlimited minutes because I am sure that I would have used more than 450 yesterday alone.

My therapist proposed having a schedule where we get caught up and then we work on something. She wants me to continue texting and blogging her with ideas that I have that could be helpful for us. I told her it would be nice if we collaborated more on stuff rather than her always talking about spoons or how stressed I am. That isn’t really helpful to me because, duh, I already know. I also told her to drop the subject of my father as my arrangement with him is not going to change. Even if I am sick, I would have to do his meds. Though if I am really sick, I don’t think exposing him to my virus will be a good idea. He is not a well man and can’t take it. But as long as I am healthy, I still plan on going over there every week, even though it’s a pain in the ass to see the ungrateful bastard.

We talked about the possibility of going to the commuter rail that does go to her town but she said she is no where close to the downtown area. I guess that is where the train will let you off. I have never travelled there so I don’t know the layout. But even if I were, it would be an all day affair and I just don’t think that is worth it for 50 minutes. So that idea is shut down. I’ll just have to figure out how to get Zipcar.

an experiment

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

An experiment

Next month I will be doing an experiment to see if getting a T pass is really worth it or if just putting money on my card is. With the Pass, I can use the bus and train multiple times a day and it doesn’t cost me anything. If I put money on the card, every time I use a bus or train, it will cost me. I haven’t kept track of my uses and this is going to be a challenge because I hate paperwork. But I am willing to try it anyways to see if the $29/month is worth it

I got the new battery for my older laptop. The thing that stinks is it won’t come until next week and I didn’t want to pay for expedited shipping. I did that once and it was the same as if I had regular shipping, so why pay extra? I backed up most of my files yesterday, either using my thumb drive or dropbox. I like dropbox because I can access my files on my phone. I put the new story I am working on it so now I have access to it wherever I go. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. Using dropbox is better than carrying around your laptop. I love it. I also uploaded the excel sheet for my experiment. Just hope I remember to use it when I am traveling.

I slept for about five hours. I woke up in pain. I am still hurting so took some medicine to calm things down. I hope I get back to sleep soon. I really don’t want to be up this early and stay up all day. If I go to sleep before 0600, I stand a chance of not waking up with a hangover, which is what I am hoping for. I have a little bit of cream left so I can make coffee and pancakes. I really am addicted to my oatmeal pancakes. They are just so yummy. It’s my favorite breakfast food, other than egg burritos that I make. I am out of the flour tortillas. I hope to get them with my grocery order but it doesn’t look like I will be having one this month. I overspent, sort of. Most of my money went to fixing my laptop and ordering a new battery. I also needed to get household items at Walgreens/CVS like soap, aspirin, etc. I have no idea where the money went. And what stinks is I won’t be getting my royalties this month for last month’s earnings. I will get it next month. I was very curious to see if the pages that were read I got compensated for. But I got to wait till next month to find out. Bummer.

I can’t wait for baseball tonight. I got to find out what channel the game is on. No one answered my inquiry on Twitter. I think the game will be on Fox but I am not sure. It will be interesting watching these teams match up. Both teams have had several days rest so that also makes it interesting. I am rooting for the Mets.

Quote of the Day 27 Oct 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

There is no such act as a rational suicide; but every suicide is a rational act–except possibly one committed by an actively psychotic person. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

A Long Day of Waiting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long Day of Waiting

I woke up after 0700, which was good. By 0800, I was getting really hungry as I had not eaten anything in more than 16 hours. I was tempted to make pancakes, but that would mean talking with my mother and I wasn’t in the mood for talking. So I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast. It was way early to start my day but I figured after I ate, I could maybe write something. So much for being hopeful. Despite carrying around my notepad that has the new story in it, I haven’t touched it once since putting it in my bag. I don’t know what the mental block is to even looking at the story and possibly adding to it. I think I need a print out of it to work on it. Going through sheets of yellow paper might not be helpful to me. I did write a lot in my journal as I was passing time. By 1000, I wanted to go home and sleep, but I had my appointment to go to and needed to leave Starbucks at noon. If I went home, I would only be home for a short time before having to turn back.

I went to my appointment, which was a waste of fucking time. I waited a half hour to be seen and she saw me for about 5 minutes, handed my script to me, and said see ya later. I was so annoyed. I think when my PCP tells me to have the call in for the script option, I am going to take it rather than waste my time with the nurse practitioner. I could be doing other things than wasting my time for this idiot. My ankle is killing me and I didn’t even do that much today. I didn’t stand too long or walk too far. Oi it drives me nuts. I hate being in pain during the day because it just sucks, especially when I have to go out. I had a hard time walking home because it was being a jerk.

I called Dell and gave them the information they needed to repair my laptop. They will be sending me the box in a few days time and then I ship it back to them. Of course, while I was making the phone call, I had two missed calls. Why must everyone decide to call me when I am using the phone?? One of the calls was my mother, the other unknown. I just don’t get it. My sister is home this week so I hope she can give me a ride to the FedEx stop where I need to bring it. I would take her truck but I can’t drive it because it is too big. Even my brother in law has trouble driving it. What made her get such a huge fucking vehicle, I will never know.

As the laptop is my priority in terms of where my money goes this month, I have to put off the application to Zipcar for another month. This sucks because I wanted to start it this month as it takes a few weeks to process. If I am approved, it won’t be until mid-December. I might have wheels for my birthday to see my therapist, if we are still seeing each other then. I am really nervous about our appointment tomorrow. She hasn’t answered my text if her phone is fine and she hasn’t read my blog, yet. It could be that she is busy and hasn’t had a chance to respond. Mondays I know are hectic. I am hoping that the appointment goes well and things are back to our normal.

I got the songs I was missing from Blake Shelton’s #1 hits collection. They are not my favorite songs, so far, but at least the collection is complete. And it cost me only $3 compared to paying $12 for the entire album. I am happy about this. I don’t know why. I was listening to the playlist I made until I had to listen to some Pearl Jam. I was getting annoyed waiting around, and when I get annoyed, it’s good to listen to Pearl Jam. I listened to almost 6 hours of music on my Bluetooth headset. I was really afraid it was going to lose battery before I got home. I hate being on the bus and not listening to music. I had a spare set of headphones in my backpack, just in case, but I really like the wireless set.

I hope that I sleep well again tonight and don’t wake up before 0600. I really don’t need a long day. I hate waking up so early. I usually am able to grab a nap but I have therapy tomorrow and usually the nap makes me groggy and more tired. I am not sure if I will be going out tomorrow. I might stay in. Depends on how my night goes. I do need to get half and half as I am running low. I should have enough for groceries this month. I need to wait till Wed though. I hate waiting.