Tag: depression

Into the Sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Into the Sauna

It’s wicked hot and humid. I think it’s more humid than hot! The temp is only in the low 80s but it feels like it is 100. I went to the bank and got coffee. Then I went to Anna’s Taqueria to get a burrito. I like Chipotle’s better. The tortilla was not very flavorful, the meat was bland, and the guac had too much lime or lemon juice. I really didn’t like it as much as I was hoping to. It was the first time and last time I will be getting food there, even if they are cheaper than Chipotle’s. After that, I did a few errands and then waited in the hottest bus stop for the bus. If it was 100 outside, inside this waiting area was at least 120. It was pitiful. I was soaked by the time the bus came. I came home, dropped everything, and then took a much needed cold shower. It felt really good. My ankle doesn’t like me much right now. And I had emailed my doc about the pain giving me anxiety. Turns out, the body doesn’t like pain and so will shoot up the heart rate. I hate the anxiety more than I hate pain right now. I hate feeling nervous all the time, like I drank five cups of coffee kind of nervous. I just took a pain pill because I need to get the pain under control again.

We talked a lot about my pain in therapy today. My therapist had a better explanation than my psychiatrist, which I didn’t believe until my psych emailed me back. I didn’t think we were ever going to talk about anything else, but we did, thankfully. After fifteen minutes, I felt like talking about pain and anxiety was enough. I wish the session ended there but it didn’t. I still had another 35 minutes to kill. I had texted my therapist about the NYT’s opinion piece. She was curious as to how I did it and of course, why. I told her it was on a whim but I felt I had nothing to lose by submitting it. She was excited for me. I haven’t heard anything back from them. I don’t really expect a response. I will try emailing them again next week and see if that has any pull. Maybe if I bug them enough, it will get published? I don’t really want to do that but I will. I have taken the blog down so there is no copyright issue, if there is one.

I have been voting crazy for Xander Boegarts, our shortstop for the Sox. We are trying to get him voted in by Friday. It doesn’t look good as he is in fifth place. I have been texting and web voting using two accounts. One for my laptop and the other on my phone. So if you are a Sox fan VOTE for X! He needs help going to his first All Star Game. He deserves to go. He would be the youngest player for the Sox since 1946! That was a long time ago.

My therapist asked me about my psychache. I honestly don’t feel psychological pain. I am in too much physical pain to really feel anything else. And the anxiety that goes with it, well, that just drives up my agitation levels. Agitation and suicidality doesn’t mix too well. I do have Ativan to calm me down. I just wish I didn’t have to use it. I don’t know why suddenly I am having more anxiety with my pain, or vice versa. Granted it is when my pain jumps from a 3 to a 10 that I am in real agony and really anxious. My therapist wasn’t too much of a help in dealing with the anxiety. She was concerned and worried to be of help and I hate when she gets that way. Because what the hell am I seeing her for if she isn’t helpful?? Mentally, I can be calm and know it’s a physiological response, but that doesn’t help bring down my heart rate. It’s like telling someone with a panic attack to calm down. Not helpful! I have tried the deep breathing but I must be doing it wrong because after a while, I get lightheaded. I should buy a pulse ox machine to monitor my heart rate during the anxiety. Which also reminds me, I need to replace my blood pressure machine. Something is wrong with the inflator tube and it keeps giving me error messages. It’s more than five years old so it does need to be replaced. I have had hypertension (high blood pressure) since 2008. It was discovered during a psych admission. I had spent a week in the hospital and my bp was dangerously high. So high, that it prevented me from being discharged because they were afraid I would stroke out. I had to stay a few extra days to get on blood pressure meds to get stabilized. It sucked! But better safer than sorry.

I seriously need to find a hobby. I need something to occupy myself now that my game is gone. I have tried finding other games but it’s just not as fun. I know Pioneer Trail was annoying at times, but it helped pass the time away and it was a good distraction. I now have three Facebook accounts that I don’t use anymore. I haven’t deactivated them because I might need to use them for Farmville or a new game called Household. In the meantime, I am buying more and more books, either Kindle or paperbacks. I even downloaded the Kindle app on my phone so I can have my books with me. I really need to clear my “currently reading” list from Goodreads. I have six books there. One of them is “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. I kind of got really sad when my favorite character died and I haven’t been able to get back into the book. I am at 75% read, so I just want to finish it. It is a good book, though the dialogue is kind of hard to understand because the author injected the old southern accent into it, especially when the slaves “talk”. I think that will be my summer goal. I can finish it by end of July. Then I can start on the new book I just bought that is written my Neil Gaiman.

Taking a Chance

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Taking A Chance

One of my Twitter buddies sent an article about how a therapist copes with losing a patient in the privacy of their office. I read the article with interest. It was in the New York Times Opinion called “Couch”. I took a bold move. I emailed my “Love/Hate” blog to them for consideration. I didn’t give them the link, only the word doc that I created. I know it’s a long shot, but at least I can say I tried.

Went to see the physiatrist today. He thinks I have a neuroma in my foot. But there’s so much swelling he isn’t sure. He put me on another NSAID, which should be in tomorrow. The pharmacy called me to tell me it’s out of stock and should be ready by “10 am”. Hope so. I can pick it up tomorrow after I go to the square. It’s supposed to be 90 and the humidity today was off the charts. I haven’t left my room at all because the house is so damn hot. Surprisingly, I am not freezing so I know it’s hot out. Usually I will get cold and shut the AC off but not today. Today is a nice cold that I can tolerate.

As expected, my foot wasn’t too happy after the prodding and poking at the doctor’s office. I get to call him later this week to tell him if the medication works or not. He is on vacation next week, so I am not to call him. I had to laugh at that. Doc has a sense of humor that I like. But I think he is wrong about the neuroma because I don’t have the symptoms that they describe. I really think the inflammation is so out of control that it’s driving my pain levels up. And he said heat can drive up swelling. Great. Tell me something I don’t know! I walked out of there frustrated because there still is the same answer: inflammation of the tendons. He wanted me to go back to PT and I declined. I thought he was going to have a stroke when I said no. Last time didn’t help me and there is no point in going back. If this was a new injury, sure, I would go. But this is a chronic thing, something that is not going to go away anytime soon. It just made me feel like I was wasting his time. And for that matter, mine. I am the one who has to live with this, not him. I will take another anti-inflammatory drug and see if that helps.

My writing partner got back to me yesterday or the day before. I don’t know because the email was in my junk mail folder so I didn’t notice it right away. She changed her email to reflect her married name so it didn’t register in my inbox. I have my settings set to those only in my contact folder to be sent to my inbox. Otherwise it is either deleted or junked, depending on the subject settings. She wrote to say she was back and where she was in her writing process. I wrote back to her today about stuff with my writing. I don’t know if she cares or not. But that is our connection, our writing.

I started another book today, “Evidence-Based Practice in Suicidology”. I am trying to get through the first chapter but it’s really dense. The title is a little misleading because none of the EBP that is current today is in the book. No CBT, DBT, or Jobes. I guess that is why the book was collecting dust on my bookshelf. But I am glad I found it because I was itching to buy another copy! I found it when I was looking for a Harry Potter book to read.

Pain O’Clock Continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain O’clock Continues

I woke up again in pain so my plans for going to the bank and the Square went out the window. This time, my pain meds knocked me out and when I woke up from my nap, it was too late to go. I really wanted to get a burrito today, too. But my ankle is killing me, still. It’s not as bad as it was on Friday but I am still miserable. I haven’t eaten too much today because it’s wicked hot and humid today. My mother will be making chicken cutlets for supper, which is good because I haven’t had any protein other than the egg I had this morning. And that was some time ago.

I have to leave the house by eight tomorrow morning. I hope I get up. I will have to set my alarm just in case. I can’t rely on getting up before seven because I never know when I will wake up anymore. I went to bed late last night, around 2ish so I slept till eight. Six hours is good enough. I am reading “Game of Thrones” and Harry Potter. Talk about contrast between the books. I am enjoying Harry Potter more because I know what to expect. I am a huge Potter fan and have read each book at least three times. I know JK Rowling, the author, is coming out with a new book, but it will only be available online. It’s too bad because I can’t read from a computer screen for long. I can read Twitter but eventually that bores me and there is no updates. I never read an online book before. I am sure it will be good. Maybe I can print it off.

Since I didn’t leave my house, I didn’t go to the post office like I hoped to. I have an article I am sending to a staff member at the hospital I was in last year. She is interested in CAMS and found an article related to CAMS and inpatient units. I know she won’t have much pull about implementing CAMS as the unit is DBT oriented, but this just gives fruit for thought. I also gave her an update about how things were going. I told her I am trying to stay out of the hospital as things are going so well. I didn’t go into anymore detail.

Marsha Linehan was at the NAMICon2015. I had two friends attend her talk. One was on Facebook and the other was on Twitter. The Twitter friend was more informative about it because he lived tweeted the entire session. It was a good talk. The important lesson was that you can use the skills and it doesn’t have to be a trained person to teach you, i.e., a therapist. There are some self-help DBT skills that you can find online that are useful in the management of suicide ideation and other self-harm behaviors. It was interesting that even substance abuse use was listed as disorder helped by DBT. So if you know someone with a substance abuse disorder, PLEASE tell them about DBT. It might helped them recover better than NA, AA, alone.

I tried to get an appointment with my therapist but she didn’t have an opening today. I really could have used a session. The pain is driving me nuts and I am almost ready to go to the ER because I am doing so poorly. I just don’t know if I should go to the medical ER or psych to talk with someone. Thing is, they wouldn’t understand chronic pain, so I will be stuck and feel more frustrated than I already do. Maybe I should just email my psychiatrist and ask her opinion on what I should do. I could just page her, but I don’t want to worry her. I am just in the throws of another pain flare and it’s wearing me out. I really wanted to go out today. Tomorrow I have to go out whether I like it or not. I have the appointment with the physiatrist. I hope he can help me because if not, I am done. It will be over. I am tired of struggling with pain all the time. Pain O’clock must end!

It’s Pain O’Clock

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s Pain O’Clock

Pain started around 2015 and has slowly increased. I took a pain pill about an hour ago, just to be able to stand long enough to take my night time meds. Because I didn’t fill my pill box today, it was hodgepodge night. I just take what I want and not the whole kit and caboodle. I will try and fill the box tomorrow morning when hopefully, my pain levels are lower. I hope I have a good night’s sleep. I can never know if I am going to wake up between 4-8 AM. Today I slept till almost 0800, which is highly unusual for me. But pain woke me up, actually, it was more my bladder, but I was still in pain. My right leg has been hurting all day, from hip to toes. I almost never have pain in my right leg. I think because I am a side sleeper and hadn’t moved for more than four hours, I was in pain. I am hoping the pain meds take care of that and my left foot pain. Right now it feels like someone is hammering my metatarsals. Just the last three. I think I would hit the roof if it was all five.

I have noticed that since taking the vitamin D again, my mood has changed, for the better. I still think about suicide, but the depression is not as heavy as it once was. I can breathe a little better, though I have been having awful anxiety with this pain flare up I have been having. I tend to breathe faster than I should and my heart is palpating. I have to take deep breaths to slow things down. I don’t know why I am so anxious with pain. I know it’s not going to kill me, though I am always in danger of attempting, or cutting. I still have it in my head that if I just cut the swelling, maybe I will be in less pain, that if the fluid is released, I will be fine. There is NO proof this will happen. I might just make things worse. And if I cut to the point of stitches, that will be a problem.

In two days I see my doc. I hope that he can give me something that will help my mental state. I can deal with the physical pain with medication. But I just want to figure out why the hell I have hammers hammering my bones! And why I sometimes feel a crushing sensation all along the edge of my foot. I haven’t been really active the last week and I have been in horrible pain. I see him in the morning and that is not going to be good. I wish I could see him at eight in the evening when the pain starts to flare up all the time, every single night. I am not going to be in horrendous pain at 0930 in the morning. I will have to stop my pain meds entirely the next few days if I want that to happen. I don’t want to go through that because I just got the pain under control again. I might have done the stairs a little bit too much today. I wish I could do a drawing of my foot and show you where it hurts the most. But I am not creative that way and I have no idea what program/app to use to make it. I don’t even know how to make a meme. I just am not a creative person when it comes to stuff like that.

I hope he won’t be mad that I stopped going to PT. I hated going because it just brought me more pain. And I could never remember the damn exercises the PT gave me, even though she gave me sheets on the exercises. I have too many things going on in my brain and so I just couldn’t retain what I was being taught. After my last session with her, my foot exploded and I barely made it home. So if he should tell me I need to go back, I just am not going to. The pain is just too complex at this point. What I would like is an MRI of my ankle and foot to see if there are any changes since my last one.

As far as meds go, I don’t think he will prescribe me another pain med. The NSAID hasn’t worked out as well as I was hoping it to. That would be the only change I could see happening. The baclofen has helped, though it doesn’t help all spasms. It has helped ease the tightness that I had surrounding my ankle and calf area. But it hasn’t helped the back spasms or hip pain that I have been experiencing. I am going to tell him about my hip and see if he can do something about that. My PCP hasn’t been too worried about it but this has been going on for more than eight months now. Today I was sweeping the floor and it caused my hip to flare up. I could barely stand afterwards. And it still is hurting me. It’s odd because it hasn’t bothered me in a few weeks and now with me sleeping on it, it flared up again. I know it is still weak from my surgeries. And I haven’t strengthened it since I pulled it out back in December. I sneezed and my back went out. My hip muscle is what hurts the most and I just can’t seem to stretch it enough to get it loose. It sucks. All the exercises that I have learned to deal with it haven’t helped at all. Course I don’t know what muscle it is that I have pulled so that kind of sucks. Knowing my luck, my hip will be fine come Tuesday morning.