Tag: depression

Just don’t want to adult today and just sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was up again during the night. I read some. It got me thinking stuff I should talk about with my therapist but when I woke up, I didn’t feel like going to therapy. I should have canceled but kept the appt. I got up to pee and took my meds. Then rested a little too long. I got up to make a cup of coffee a half hour before therapy started.

She was in one of her moods. I was in mine and it ended with me not talking for most of it. I told her I’ve been alternating between depression and sadness. My appetite has been low or not existent. She wanted me to do something about my grief and I told her I didn’t know what to do with it. She wanted me.to work on something so I said I’d straighten out my room. Then she scheduled our next appt. Was useless. I have such a headache from being tired. I need to get at least some of the boxes in my room out so I can move stuff. Except I just want to lay down. My iron pills came yesterday so I am taking them at night. I sent a message to the doc asking if the slow release was ok. My insurance isn’t covering what she called in.

I feel so depressed and aggravated. I wish she would just let me talk about whatever I wanted to but no. She wasn’t having that today. She can be such a bitch at times. Will be 4 years we have been seeing each other. Can’t believe it has been that long.

I had a second cup of coffee with some cookies. I bought the new Oreo cakesters which are really good but I lost interest in eating them. Just hope no one eats them. My niece has been eating my Mac and cheese. I don’t have an appetite today. I’ll just have an Ensure. I still need to brush my teeth.

Sox play at 4pm today. They lost last night, again. It hasn’t been fun seeing them lose. The Rays pitcher is a Sox killer so I don’t even know if it will be worth watching. Could be another painful game. I’m not really in the mood. I just want to sleep. My niece is graduating tonight. It’s raining so I hope it is indoors.

Sunday Blog 28052023

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Sunday Blog 28052023

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. There was really nothing to write about. I woke up late and it was the same as the day before. Today same thing. Tomorrow is a holiday so I have another day I can sleep late. I forgot to write in my calendar my therapist’s time so I won’t know until I check the patient web thingy Tues. I don’t know if we are meeting at 11 or 2. I think it is at 2 though. I thought it would be in person but it is virtual.

I went outside topless for the first time. It is wicked hot out. I was in the sun for at least 10 mins and had to go back in the house. I hate heat so bad. I took out chicken breast for tonight’s dinner. I might roast some potatoes with it if there are any left. I forgot to buy them when I placed my grocery order. I hate to turn on the oven but it is the only way to cook the chicken. I am not going to cut it up to fry it. I hate cutting raw meat.

I listened to the game last night. We won 2-1. They play in a couple hours and then are off tomorrow. The Celtics had a good game last night and won. I am happy about that. I will be watching the score tomorrow night as it is game 7. I don’t have cable so will have to watch the feed from the internet, which I don’t know where to watch it yet. My sister said YouTube so will check that out.

I have been reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a good book. I am not suicidal so it is good reading right now. I hung up my pride flag yesterday that I bought from Amazon. I just hope it stays up with my room’s temp changes. I think it will as I hung up my tissue box and it hasn’t come down. It has been up for more than a couple of years. I also bought a trans rights are human rights T-shirt. I can’t wait to wear it when I see my doc the 8th. I am glad I am starting PT again as my foot has been awful the past couple of days. It has been hurting me so bad. I also need to get my knee checked as it has been hurting since I fell a month ago. The CRPS pain in my ankle and foot has been back. I don’t have anything to take for pain. It sucks so bad. I hope when I see my doc on the 8th she will prescribe me something.

I have to go to the Square Tues to pick up my prescription. I might go to Starbucks and have a latte to read for a bit and then pick it up. Depends on how I feel after therapy. Lately all we’ve been talking about it my mother and how I feel about her. I’ve still been experiencing sadness all the time and now I have moved into depression. I am not hopeless as I know this will pass. I think if I was hopeless I would be suicidal. I keep wanting to check on her. Her room is so empty without her. And the house is too. It really sucks.

paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, PTSD, recurrent major depressive disorder

Paper where I wrote I’ll wait for you

I am having a hard time sleeping. I am listening to Taylor to try and ease my heavy heart. Grief is hitting me hard. I am remembering stuff with my mother, mostly stuff from when I was little. The parties we used to have where we would have leftover chips and cake. It made a good breakfast while my mother was sleeping. She didn’t want us to eat that stuff but we did anyway. My mother was the one we did stuff with. My father never really had time for us because he was so selfish and narcissistic. My mother took us to church and to school. She also came to events at the school where we participated in. She didn’t come to my basketball games when I played my freshman year. It was not a good game usually as I sucked. Plus no one really gave me the ball to shoot it. I was bad at trying to take a shot under pressure. But I could do a layup pretty well.

I also remember the abuse my mother did to me. It happened when I was little and while I was in puberty. She saw changes and kept looking at me every time I showered or bathed. Even while I was an adult, living with her, I couldn’t be naked around her because she would look at my body. I felt so much shame and I think that is why I have a little of body dysmorphia. I hate the way my body is. I don’t like that I am overweight. Now that I don’t have breasts, I can clearly see my stomach that is huge and it bothers me. I am trying to lose weight. I haven’t the first clue how to actually do it. I am not a person that can eat salads and stuff like that. I am a meat eater. I will eat chicken and potatoes. I love making a chicken breast and roasting it. But getting back to the abuse, I was always criticized when I tried to go on a diet. My mother would not approve of it and be very snarky about it. My father called me fat and ugly all my life. It was very hard to lose weight when I felt like I had to live up my father calling me fat all the time. Every time we had dinner and I would fill my plate, he would say something about it. He was not a nice man.

So I had my parents give me an idea of what my body should or shouldn’t look like. I know I need to lose weight. But I don’t know how really. I have tried drinking Ensure during the days and then at night but I feel hungry. I need to have something solid in my stomach. I will usually have a turkey sandwich or just eat turkey breast or chicken breast and that will be my protein for the day. Sometimes I will make an egg. If I get up early later today I will try and make an egg sandwich.

I love how my chest is. I am still getting used to it as I really can’t believe the breasts are gone. I love it so much. I no longer have to wear baggy shirts to hide my chest. I can’t wait for the warmer weather so I can wear tank tops without worrying about whether my boobs are gonna show.

I feel sad about my mother’s passing. I feel like there should have been more time that she could have spent with us. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I feel cheated because my sisters had my mother at their birthdays and I didn’t. I got a phone call while she was in the hospital. A voicemail message, actually two of them. Then I didn’t get her card until two weeks after my birthday. I got no party with her. My sisters and nieces celebrated with me at the restaurant but it was so hard without my mother there on my birthday. I am upset about it. I never said anything about it before because I thought there would be another birthday with her. I was wrong. Cancer took her before we were ready to say goodbye to her. I am angry about this. I am sad and hurt, too. I got all these feelings rolled into one. I don’t know why the cancer showed up now. I knew it would eventually. She smoked a lot and I knew she caused damage to herself. I just wanted to have one more birthday with her. Now it is never going to happen.

I don’t know if I should stay up or go back to sleep. It’s almost 5am. It is usually the time I go back to sleep. The birds are chirping away, being annoying. They are cardinals. I think one of the is my father because he would be a pain in the ass in the morning especially if you didn’t answer his call right away. I am hungry and am thinking of making an egg sandwich. Haven’t decided if I want turkey or regular bacon in it. I have maple bacon that I haven’t opened yet. I love the smell of bacon. So good. My mother would make extra bacon when she made it. It was always too crispy for me and usually cold. I like eating the fat off the bacon. It is so good. I know it isn’t healthy but oh well. I don’t have it often. I usually like turkey bacon better than regular bacon. Less mess and easier clean up. I’ve been having turkey bacon with my burger that I make. It comes out so good. I love it.

My sister bought coffee creamer which is ok but it is sweet. I have to remember not to put sugar in the cup when I make my coffee. I am thinking of going downstairs to make something to eat and to have coffee.

I have decided that my trans memoir book is going to be in comic sans font. I find it more personal that way, though I keep going back to typewriter font, which I think is times new roman. I am not sure though. I don’t know. I need to write more about it and see what I have written so I don’t repeat myself. I will need to get an editor for the book. But I will worry about that when I have at least a hundred pages written. I want to have at least 200 pages with also resources for trans like the lifeline and other stuff. I think it will be important.

Dcmd

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, gender dysphoria, mood disorders, transgender

I’ve been out to my family since I wrote my memoir in 2014. I didn’t tell my mother until 2017 when I legally changed my name. She first accepted me and then when the paperwork came, she didn’t want to call me my name and insisted I was still her daughter. Fast forward to now.

In Dec, she was diagnosed with cancer. In the beginning of March, she finally called me son. At first, I thought it was because I kept on telling the medical staff I was her son. But then she really shocked me when she told my aunt, unprompted, that her son was here. We never talked about it. I didn’t know how to feel because she was dying. She died a month ago on Apr 4th. I am proud she finally accepted me. Just wish it didn’t take till her dying for it to happen. I still am conflicted and sore.

Anyways, that is my story