Tag: depression

piece of glass in the heart

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Been in a numb mood most of the day. I tried to explain to my therapist what I was feeling and that I wanted to be left alone and she asked what does that mean. I told her I just wanted to deal with things on my own and she didn’t buy it. She wants me to write but I have no interest in writing. I just write these blogs to have something to say and maybe get something going but it hasn’t been working. I have been hoping my blog would open up what is inside of me but for the past few weeks I don’t feel like it has been doing much good. I know that people from around the world have been reading the stuff I wrote about Cauda Equina. Today Germany read my blog. I feel like I am an international writer.

I just feel like crap inside. I can’t really explain it. Today was the memorial service for Sean Collier, the MIT police officer that was shot to death by the bombers last week. There still has been no motive for killing him. I have been choked up with tears. He was so young and I envy him being death. I would gladly take his place if I could to ease the suffering of his family. I have been crying most of the day, and not little sobs. Just big crying for no reason. The news of his memorial service was the beginning and then I just cried. I couldn’t hold it in. Course this was after my therapy appointment. I don’t know why I am crying so much. My therapist says that I have PTSD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, because of the events of last week. I know I have some symptoms of it but I don’t think it is full blown. I just am scared still. I know the people have been caught but there is no guarantee that there is someone else out there planning to do the same thing, or worse.

In addition to the crying, I also have been numb. I just don’t feel anything. I have been trying to get in touch with my feelings but it is no use. I am out of touch with them. I know I am depressed. I also have been thinking about death again, if anything just as an escape of what I am feeling. I feel numb but it is a hurting kind of numb. It’s hard to explain and I know that doesn’t make sense. How can being numb hurt? I don’t know but I do hurt inside and it is wicked deep. If I stop to think about it I can’t breathe. It’s too overpowering. Like Casey James described in one of his songs, it is like a piece of glass in the heart.

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

still depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Had a productive day today. I worked on a paper and feel ok with it. My printer cooperated with printing it out so I can go over it for typos not picked up by spell-check (e.g., fro instead of for). I also added a little bit to it so I felt it was a complete paper.

Other than that I have been feeling off. I feel really sleepy since I woke up early in pain and then didn’t go back to sleep with the pain meds. The temperature has dropped so I am again hurting.

My therapist is back today. I was hoping for a time to talk with her but doesn’t look likely that she has an opening for today. I talk with her tomorrow. We have lots to talk about as I had some bad dreams last night about the bombings. I kept seeing the images of the shootout and the bomb going off at the finish line. I just couldn’t get the images out of my head. I guess that is why I woke up so early. Today we were supposed to have a minute of silence at 14:50 but I forgot to set my alarm so missed it. I hope that everyone affected ends up being ok. I still am on guard. Yesterday I saw a hummer and couldn’t help but think that there were armed guards inside. That is the type of week I have been going through, I am afraid to leave my house and go out. I haven’t been out since last night, to go for dinner with my family to celebrate my niece’s birthday.

I also have been afraid to leave the house because I don’t want to upset my ankle. I cannot believe that I still have tendonitis in it. I just want to scream.

This week is the annual conference for the American Association of Suicidology. I so wanted to go but didn’t have the financial means of getting there. I didn’t have a good experience last time I was there so it kind of foreboded me going this year. I hope to attend next year’s but I don’t think I will be able to as it is in California. I can’t wait for the conference to be back in Boston. I think it might be the year after this one, in 2015. Least I am hoping it will be.

I started reading a new book called the Team of Rivals. Part of the book is the base for the movie Lincoln. I had to buy it because I am such a Lincoln fanatic. I have a good library going on Lincoln. He is one of my favorite presidents.

Mood wise I have not been so great. Partly because of what happened last week and partly because I just was down, even though my Red Sox were doing good. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I could say my appetite has suffered but it hasn’t. Not that I am eating more, just not the right foods. I have been eating more junk food because I say why bother. I got to get back to my cereal diet. I need to lose at least fifteen to twenty pounds. That is my goal but it is so hard it depresses me. I then fall into the cycle and it just hurts. What is more depressing is that every time I see my PCP he brings my weight up. I can’t stand it and I am embarrassed by it. I hate being this heavy and I wish I had the will power to not eat junk food but when you don’t care for living, why care what you are eating?

Boston Marathon Tragedy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was starting to be a great day. My beloved Sox won again to sweep the Rays but then I changed the channel a few minutes later to find my home town was bombed at the Boston Marathon finish line. I have been going through tough emotions since. How dare someone do this on a day like today? Today is Patriot’s day in Boston. A day where we normally have our marathon and wait until the last runner from Hopkinton 26.2 miles away crosses the finish line. But today it was chaos. And my heart is broken. An eight year old lost her life because of someone’s hatred. She was one of the two dead at the scene. There are now as I am typing this 57 injured.

The streets they are talking about I once walked down proudly in my youth. I used to go to college around the corner from Copley, the marathon’s finish line. Every year that T stop closes. And now with the upcoming days, it will remain closed because the area is now a crime scene. How I wish the crime scene investigators of NY and Vegas and the Criminal Minds of the FBI were here to solve who did it. I bet we would have answers faster than we have them now. But that is television, where you get your answers in an hour. It’s been nearly fours since this has happened and no one is closer to finding out who did this. Cell phone reception in the area is cut off for fear of another bomb going off. Nobody is in custody. I doubt there will be if this was a professional hit. They probably already took off as the airports didn’t shut down until two hours later. But I ramble. I’m rambling because if I talk about my great city, I will start crying again.