Tag: depression

A remembrance of the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I read a blog today that really hit home and made me think. It was about a person that wrote about her experience of attempting suicide eight years ago this month. I also have an attempt anniversary this month, actually in a few days time it will be 21 years ago that I first attempted suicide with diphenhydramine, also known as Benedryl. I remember that it was a month after my then therapist told me she was leaving. I thought fine, so will I. I planned my death on a day I knew my family would not be home and took the pills. What I didn’t account for was puking, violently. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I still remember my eyes being dilated for almost a week afterwards. I was pretty mad and I felt like a failure, a huge one. Probably the biggest one on the planet at that point. Here I was, a very intelligent teenager who couldn’t kill himself right. I sunk into the worse depression after that. Actually, I had no idea I could sink worse than what I already felt but I did. I began losing weight, lost my appetite almost completely. I was sixteen years old and all I thought about was death. I was not sleeping. I would wake up at four in the morning nearly every day and couldn’t go back to sleep. I would wake up dreading the world, not wanting to go to my summer job but I had to. I couldn’t show that I was depressed. My mother had already freaked out when she found out I had overdosed thanks to the said therapist who told her after I told her what I had done. I didn’t know what to do. I think after several weeks of this and it just getting worse and worse I called Samaritans and talked with them about my situation. The person told me that I should be in the hospital and I contemplated that. I waited a few more days to see if things would get better and when I couldn’t take anymore, I told my mother I needed help. She took me to the hospital and I got diagnosed as major depression with psychotic features. Up until then, I had dreams of joining the navy. Those dreams died in the hospital emergency room when they told me I was psychotic because the voices in my head wouldn’t shut up. I actually felt free to talk with them for the first time in my life. My mother didn’t like that as it appeared that I was crazy. Well I was…

I got to the hospital and got sent to a local psych ward that was NOT for teens. I then got transferred to a better psych hospital the next day. I would have two more admissions there before I had a break. So my cycle of being in and out of the hospital began. I had three admissions all within a year. I blamed my next therapist for this as if she was doing her job, I wouldn’t be so sick. This is the therapist that I saw after the other one had left. I have seen many therapists in my lifetime, too many in fact. Before I turned twenty-five, I would have eleven therapists. Some therapists only saw me for ten months, others were year and a little over. I never had continuity in my care so I always remained unstable. Surprisingly, the only stable therapeutic relationship I have had was with my psychiatrist, whom I have been with since I was seventeen. I wished so badly at times that I could see her for therapy but she only does medication.

And here I am twenty odd years later and I still want to end my life. How sad is that…

midnight ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Last night I was in pain again though I don’t know why. It’s a late hour so my mood has tanked south. I don’t know what it is about the night that makes all the pain come out but it sucks. Thoughts of death are swarming around my head. I’m listening to The Band Perry’s new CD to try and relax. I haven’t listened to music in a few days. I do tend to feel nervous when I don’t listen on a regular basis.

I tried taking a break from my therapist this week. It didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Usually I take a break and become more analytical and come up with these great ideas. But this time, it just didn’t happen. I guess being wrapped up in pain left no room for thinking about things. I usually end up writing her these long letters about how I am doing and what I am feeling. I didn’t so much as do that.

I came up with some idea to write about songs that I have a knack connection with but have not started that project yet. I just haven’t decided what songs should go into this. I guess I’ll know when I hear it.

Tonight I have my cousin’s wedding. I know I am going to get asked about my work and I’m going to talk about my disability. It gets old after a while but I can’t help but feel like a loser after I tell my family that I am no longer working and why. It kills me that I am no longer able to function to the point of working. And what is really tough is that I haven’t had surgery in seven years. That was the last time I was in rough shape. People usually think you get better by now. But I am not. Nerve damage takes so long to heal and no one understands that.

Monday I am to see another doctor for the same problem. I don’t know why I am bothering. It’s not like she is going to have any new answers for me other than to lose weight. That is the doctor’s cure all. If you lose weight, you won’t have this problem. Lose weight and you won’t be so depressed. Lose weight and your back will feel better. I wish I dropped a pound every time someone told me to lose weight. I would be skinny in no time. But I seriously doubt that my weight is the ONLY reason I am hurting. Even if I weighed 80 lbs I would still have a bad back and still have nerve damage. Weight cannot change the fact I have had four back surgeries. I have been trying to lose weight for the past three months. It is wicked hard. It takes a lot of work and with the depression it just makes it that much harder. I don’t always stick with it because I get the fuck its. But lately I have been having no appetite so I just been eating cereal as my caloric intake. Also been eating yogurt to try and get my bowels on track but that is the harder road. It sucks eating healthy or at least trying to when junk food is so accessible.

There has been a quote floating around twitter the past few days, that if a crush lasts more than four months, then it probably is love. Then I guess I am in love with my therapist. I have had a crush on her from the very beginning. Another quote fact that has been circulating is that relationships that last longer than seven years tend to last a lifetime. I have found this true with my therapist and psychiatrist. I have known my psychiatrist for nearly half my life and we just past the twenty year mark of working together. I’m screwed.

My left foot is on fire as I am writing this and I’m finding myself feeling empty hearted. Not really downhearted, just feeling empty, like I have nothing inside. And because I feel nothing, I also think I am nothing, that I don’t matter at all to anyone. I’ll just be better off dead.

What would being dead look like? Frankly I don’t know. I’ll be dead. I won’t be in existence anymore. The pain that I feel will cease to be. I will finally be free of pain and misery. Lest I hope I will be. Being free of pain is all that I want. If I didn’t have pain, emotional or physical, I probably would want to live. And I don’t know what that would look like. Probably the same as it does now.

another day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

Usually after a night of pain, I am ok the next day. I usually don’t have pain until later in the evening right before bed. Today was different. I woke up to my foot still hurting so I made some breakfast and took some pain pills and went back to sleep. I have been sleepy all afternoon since waking up at two o’clock. My foot is still hurting, not as bad so took another pain pill. Now I am ready for a nap.

I hate it when I have days like today. It just sucks because I don’t do anything but stay in my pajamas. I wanted to go out today to get my coffee and maybe write in my journal but that didn’t happen. It’s just another day in the house where all I can do is keep my foot up to stop it from hurting. Having a pain syndrome sucks.

I am very tired from the meds and feel a little dizzy, probably because I have not been drinking enough fluids. I could go to sleep right now and I am going to try and resist.

I started reading a new book. It’s about Lincoln’s first 100 days in office. So far, I think the book is badly written as the author has repeated himself a couple of times with in a few pages of each other. I don’t know if I can get through a book like this. Makes me wonder what the hell the editor was thinking or if he or she even read the thing. The book is supposed to be about the first 100 days but yet the author keeps talking about the Emancipation Proclamation, which is not until Lincoln’s second year, which is MORE than 100 days after he is in office. I’m already confused as to what the author is trying to convey.

blog post 266

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, suicide, writing

I have been up very early this morning. I don’t know why but I woke up at midnight and then went back to sleep for a few hours despite taking some Ativan. I guess when it wore off, I woke up and I have been up since. I had an appt today with my neurologist. Nothing new to add except to try yogi for chair sitting. Didn’t even know that existed. She said there are videos on Youtube. So I am going to try that as a form of exercise but if it hurts me, I am not doing it.

Today my back is out of whack because the temperature keeps fluctuating and tonight is going to go down to the twenties. So much for Spring to be here. This will suck for baseball tomorrow night if the temp in New York dips to the twenties, though I think they might be a little warmer than we are. Least I hope so. I also hope it doesn’t snow. I have never seen a baseball game postponed due to snow but I am sure there have been, just not this early in the season, and the season just started!!

Since I got the movie Lincoln, I have been obsessed with it. I have watched it at least 5 times so far. I am going to watch it again tonight as there is no baseball. I just love the movie. My goal is to learn it word for word like I have for the movie Titanic. I am the geek that went and saw that movie in theaters something like 16 times. I also have seen it at least a dozen or more times since owning it.

I am at an impasse with my therapist. I canceled tomorrow’s appointment and I don’t talk with her again till Monday. I thought I was going to not talk with her again for two weeks as she had schedule conflicts on our normal tues/thurs times. I need a break from therapy so I decided to cancel. She just annoyed me big time yesterday that I couldn’t stand talking with her again. We have been going at it 3-4 times a week for the past month. I need some time for myself. I know I am suicidal and it probably isn’t a good time to take a break but fuck it, I need it. Yesterday after she got off the phone, I took a large dose of a medication used for my nerve pain to knock myself out. It did anything but that. I was up for six hours before it finally knocked me out. Probably why I am having so much difficulty sleeping. But then my psychiatrist thinks the sleep difficulties are because of my pain medication. I haven’t taken my pain meds in a few days because I am trying to ween off of them. I am tired of my primary giving me a hard time about giving them to me. Also tired of him telling me I need to lose weight. Same story every time I see him. If I could walk, it would be no problem but seeing as I can’t walk without pain, it is a problem. Now the big dude thinks that I have tendonitis instead of it being nerve pain. I know it is nerve pain because it only flares up at night, even on a day that I am doing absolutely nothing but keeping my foot up or sleeping all day.

I am also at an impasse with my book. I have been told to leave it alone and it will come to me later but I am not so sure about that. It is really difficult writing your history about how you are at your lowest point and how you survived it. Sometimes I have no idea how I get through a crisis. I just somehow do. I would plan my death down to the last detail, set a date and somehow, still not go through with it. I know part of it is because of fear. Fear of failing or being disfigured or worse, being in a coma. I had a terrible dream the other night about getting into a car accident because a semi-truck went through a red light just as I was passing on green and I died instantly. Then my family had no clue what to do with me or my things. All I kept thinking about when I woke up was I should write a note should something happens so that they know who to contact and stuff. Give them my passwords to my laptop and email and let my online friends know that I have passed. Sounds morbid I know but if I were to die tomorrow, you guys would never know about it and this would be my last blog.