Tag: dieting

Off Track

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Off Track

It’s only been day 4 of my diet and I am not doing well. I was craving pastrami and fries after my nap today. I gave in. I couldn’t bear to drink another shake. I should have bought different flavors rather than the same one. It’s getting old very quickly. Tomorrow I see my psych so I am not sure how the diet will go then. It’s going to be challenging because in the evening, my sisters are having a birthday party for my mother and niece and that means cake. I am a cake addict so it’s going to be difficult to resist the temptation.

Because I had to take another strong pain pill last night to get relief, I was waking up every few hours. I am exhausted today. I wanted to go to the post office to mail my books out but after I took a shower, my energy went down and I needed to nap. Then I didn’t want to do anything after the nap. I still feel like I can go to sleep.

I emailed my psych twice last night. One was to send her the blog I wrote and the second one was to basically bitch about the pain I was in. If I said more than that, I don’t remember. She didn’t respond to the email and she didn’t call me so I guess it wasn’t that dire. I gave in and texted my therapist to see if she had any times available today. I just feel like I need to talk to someone, someone that understands chronic pain that I go through. I had sent a message to my support group that I was just looking for someone to listen and not really give advice. What I got was advice. Did you take this or that? I got very annoyed. Not even my support group understands my pain syndrome.

There was a bank robbery in the town over from mine. They think the guy fled to my town. I am hearing helicopters so they must be searching for him. He escaped from prison. We are told he isn’t dangerous but you never know. People will do things in desperate situations. I hope they catch him. HOLY SHIT! They caught the guy near my street! Glad he is in custody. They caught him as he was trying to rob another bank a block from my house. Mass State Police has him now.

My migraine is back and the noise from the helicopter is not helping. I am getting agitated and more annoyed. It’s not helping my headache. And I can’t sleep. It’s probably some damn news helicopter. Assholes.

I’m in a bad mood again. I was feeling okay this morning but during the afternoon my mood went from good to bad. Pain isn’t helping. It’s just making me feel hopeless. I try not to let it get to me but every day I have the same pain or a different kind of pain and I can’t do anything about it. I have to take several meds to control it, which mess up my bowels. I haven’t gone in the last three days because I had to take my strong pain pill each day. Even going pee is trouble some because I just retain the urine. It takes a few minutes for the flow to start because of my nerve injury. It’s troubling me because I know if I bring up these side effects, I might not be prescribed the meds anymore, which would be terrible. The benefits out weigh the side effects.

I just took some ibuprofen for my damn headache. I think the helicopters are going to be in the area a while. What they can see in the air is anybody’s guess. They probably won’t have a news conference for another half hour or so. I am glad I don’t have to be near the area where the barracks are. That place must be swamped with news vehicles, making the evening commute a joke. Having your ankle and head hurt at the same time really sucks.

I have three cases of the protein drinks that I like. I have half of the ones I don’t. I usually just have one of them a day. I foolishly bought three boxes of protein bars. I like them and they come in handy when you are hungry but don’t want to make something to eat. Each box has six bars in it. Before the diet, I bought a box to try them out and kind of almost ate a bar each day so I had to buy more. They are really good. Maybe I will take some protein bars with me tomorrow to stave off hunger so I don’t cheat.

day 1 of dieting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Day 1 of dieting

The day is going fairly well. I had my first two shakes for breakfast and lunch. I am keeping track of my calories with my fitness pal app. I did cheat a little by having a few strips of bacon that my mother made this morning. I didn’t want them to go to waste.

I took a shower and immediately felt exhausted. I don’t know why it can either make me tired or woken up. Today it was the latter. I am really trying to stick with the diet today. I have three more shakes to drink. I had to take my pain meds because prior to taking my shower, my foot started hurting like a bitch. I waited for it to work a little before I took my shower.

I’m still without a phone. I should have it turned on tomorrow. If not, I am going to go ballistic. I want my damn phone dammit! I swear I am never doing this again. It’s just torture to have a phone and no one can turn it off but the jerks at the insurance company until they confirm the replacement phone has been received. So ridiculous.

Shake three has been drunk. I think I like the Orgain drinks better than the Pure Protein. I also find them more filling. I have 530 calories left for the day so I am doing good. I had to have something solid so I had a yogurt and some fresh pineapple. I have no idea where the pineapple came from but it was good. I love pineapple but I can’t eat too much because the roof of my mouth will become raw. I found that out the hard way. The nice thing about this diet is that I don’t feel bloated like I thought I would. I am keeping up with hydration with a bottle of water after each shake. My kidneys are going to be in shock because I hardly drink any water except for when I am really thirsty. I mostly drink Powerade. But I am only drinking that when I take my meds. I can’t take my meds and drink water because it’s just gross.

I was talking with a friend of mine last night as I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I was afraid of lying down and having the pain increase. It sometimes happens. I knew it was my PTSD flaring up so I took an Ativan to calm down. As we were talking, I was telling her my plan. She said she did what I wanted to do and obviously survived. That just threw a wrench in my works. Now I got to come up with some other plan. Fuck. I am not happy.

No one has bought my new book yet. I haven’t been promoting like I did my first book. That is the hard part of self-publishing, you have to do the promoting. It’s hard because I am in pain all the time or just depressed. Plus you can only say the same things over and over until you get tired of them. And all you’re really saying is “buy my damn book”. I thought my second book would sell better because it isn’t so dark, but then it hasn’t been out a week yet. I am going to place some tweets out today if I can figure out what to say.

My therapist is back in the office tomorrow. I hope my phone is turned back on so I can text her. I really missed texting her. I know it’s going to be hard when we no longer see one another. I got a Zipcar so I can see her next week for our session. I hope it’s not too emotional because I really don’t want to cry and drive. That would not be good because I have a long way to drive.

The pain demon has struck again. My damn foot exploded a little while ago. All I did today was empty the recycles. I have been in my room the majority of the time, only leaving to get a protein drink or go to the bathroom. Maybe the shower was too much. But that was hours ago. I don’t know what flares up my pain anymore. I have given up trying to figure it out because what causes me pain today won’t tomorrow. I just don’t fucking get it. It is so annoying. Now my pain meds are making me sleepy again. Doesn’t help that I turned off the ceiling fan so my room is a sauna again. My indoor thermometer needs new batteries. I was going to get them but why bother. I am only going to be around for a month or so. I can’t imagine going on longer than that. I can’t stand being in pain anymore. I have had enough. I quit. Strike three has been called and I’m out.