Just got my haircut. Little boy on the bus was staring at me and I was wondering if he was thinking I was a boy or girl and had to stop myself. I am a boy and I nearly wept as my chest was throbbing. The euphoria was finally hitting me. I wondered if I would ever feel it since my mother’s death. I looked at my photo I took and posted on an FTM support groups. A member said they see a grown man, complete with a male hairline. I am losing my hair and the pic kind of looks like a comb over that my sister pointed out. I don’t care. I still think I look good. I have issues with my body. My stomach is giving me such dysphoria since the binders have been off. I haven’t gained weight but I haven’t lost any either, which is frustrating. I have been cutting calories to no effect. I know I haven’t been active either but it’s a slippery slope with my foot. Any big active days such as walking more than 5 blocks hurts me. My limit is 0.4 miles, anything more than that and I am in pain.
Today has been a rough day due to headaches. I woke up a couple times after dreaming with them. I told my psychiatris about it and he doesn’t have answers. I need to see a neurologist. I had one. I need to call to see if I still do. I had a skipped appt with her back when I was catatonic so don’t know if they kicked me out because of it. It has been thundering and downpouring the past couple of hours so my head hurts. Not sure if it is a migraine or not. I need a nap. I am tired.
My internet was not connecting well today so m psychiatrist called me. We talked about meds. He wants to play with my Latuda and I told him we could but I could become psychotic again with a lower dose or stopping it. He wants to bring the Effexor dose up but until I have my neuro appt, he is holding off.
Gonna stop here. My head is hurting too much.
Tag: FTM
It’s hot
It has been hot and muggy the past week. I’ve been tolerating it but I am starting to lose my patience with it. I need to clear the area where my AC is so my bro in law can put it in. I sort of made a mess of it when I was cleaning my hamper out. I got to decide what I am going to do with the clothes. They aren’t particularly my favorite. And the sweatpants elastic is basically gone. Doesn’t fit me anymore.
I had therapy yesterday reluctantly as I needed to get a letter from her. She was being a bitch the whole session. I hate it when she doesn’t allow me to change subjects or just shut down on something. We talked about my mother and school and transitioning. I told her she could write the letter saying how I was depressed because I was transgender and wasn’t transitioned but now that I am transitioned I feel better. She then asked how do I explain the major depressive episode last fall. Ugh. I really can’t. Late Aug/early Sept I always suffer from depression. Been that way for nearly 30 years. Sometimes I get really suicidal. I didn’t tell her this. I felt like if I did, I wouldn’t have the letter.
After therapy, I went to get some lunch and my haircut. Talking to my barber made me depressed. I was feeling so low afterwards. I went home after and then I went to PT. My foot was hurting because I had been on my feet all day. We decided not to do the machine and just worked with a ball. She then worked on my foot tendons. My foot was hurting still today but less so.
Today is my nephew’s birthday so we went out to eat. I ate too much. I slept nearly all day. I didn’t do anything I wanted to do. I just couldn’t get out of bed. I had a hard time sleeping because my foot and ankle flared up. I hurt so bad. I was up until like 130 and then woke up every couple of hours during the night. Didn’t help that it was so fricken hot in my room. I really need to clear the space so my bro in law can put the AC in.
bad night of pain
Bad night of pain
I was listening to the game and it was tied so I decided to shower as I smelled. After the shower, as usual, I was exhausted and then my foot/ankle flared up on me. It is still hurting. The Sox lost and I am upset about it because they had so many chances to win. It was an up and down game so really hurt to lose.
I had therapy yesterday and my therapist really upset me. She said that I don’t need to be in the hospital and said I could go to the ED but they won’t do anything for me. I know this isn’t true. She didn’t evaluate me on my suicidal risk so she really doesn’t know how bad I just don’t want to be here. I think if she knew that, she might change her mind. She thinks I need partial but I don’t want to go to skill groups. I think they are a waste of time for me because I can’t really grasp things like I used to and besides, these things take practice. I can learn it from a book more than a group setting. The book I am reading now on CBT and suicidal thinking is helping more than anything else that I have read on the subject. Book is called choosing to live. It is an excellent book. I was in a mood yesterday so didn’t bring it up like I wanted to. There was a section I read that I wanted to share with her. She makes me so angry. I don’t know why she doesn’t trust me that I know better of what can help me when I need help. I think being in the hospital will help me because it has in the past. It kind of resets me. Right now I am not doing good. I am not eating or sleeping right. I am tired all the time. I wish I were dead. I also know that maybe spending a few nights away from home will help me with my PTSD of listening out for my mother so that maybe my sleep will get back on track. I know my mother is gone but I still listen out for her every time I am awake during the middle of the night. I’ve tried to calm myself by saying it is ok and that she is gone so no more looking out for her but that just makes me sad and I miss her even more. Grief is a hard thing.
I am so tired and wish I could sleep. My sister left her room so I am waiting for her to go back to it. It is so stupid that I am listening to this shit.
I made a bacon sandwich when I got up but it didn’t taste good. My taste buds are off. Even my coffee didn’t taste good. I had a pop tart, too. It was okay. That was the only thing that tasted right today. I haven’t eaten anything else today. I really want pasta but I don’t feel like cooking. I had an Ensure that I take with my meds as I need 350 calories to take for it.
Tomorrow I have three appointments. I have PT, then my pcp appointment, then the bereavement group. My therapist thinks I should have some time with the group before I go in the hospital as I said I would give it another two weeks time. She thinks grief is going to take longer. She might be right. I don’t know I just feel so damn lost.
I have been having nerve pain in my chest on the left side and it is freaking me out. I know it isn’t cardiac because I am not having any other symptoms but damn, the pain is so intense. It is like a stabbing pain. The swelling on my right hasn’t gone down and now I am wondering if maybe I should be massaging it or something. I sent a message to the NP to see if that will help. It just looks like I have breast tissue again and it is bothering me. I hope that what I feel isn’t fat as that will take more than massage to get rid of.
I haven’t had the time to think more about my personal statement for UMB. I got the letter from my psychiatrist which doesn’t say much other than that he cleared me for attending classes. I wish my psych was still my psych so she could write something for me that would help me other than just clearing me for classes. I guess they need detailed information. Just lovely. Ugh. I can do this. I wrote a damn memoir for crying out loud. Why is this so hard? I am currently working on another memoir. I have gotten so good at being concise in my writing, I find it hard to expand on things. Some story teller I am.
One of the groups I am in on Facebook posted about a trans book. I plan on getting it next week when I get paid. I am also planning on getting a t-shirt that says Baseball Isn’t Boring. I think that will be cool to get. I am a hard lover of baseball.
Sunday Blog 28052023
Sunday Blog 28052023
I didn’t feel like writing yesterday. There was really nothing to write about. I woke up late and it was the same as the day before. Today same thing. Tomorrow is a holiday so I have another day I can sleep late. I forgot to write in my calendar my therapist’s time so I won’t know until I check the patient web thingy Tues. I don’t know if we are meeting at 11 or 2. I think it is at 2 though. I thought it would be in person but it is virtual.
I went outside topless for the first time. It is wicked hot out. I was in the sun for at least 10 mins and had to go back in the house. I hate heat so bad. I took out chicken breast for tonight’s dinner. I might roast some potatoes with it if there are any left. I forgot to buy them when I placed my grocery order. I hate to turn on the oven but it is the only way to cook the chicken. I am not going to cut it up to fry it. I hate cutting raw meat.
I listened to the game last night. We won 2-1. They play in a couple hours and then are off tomorrow. The Celtics had a good game last night and won. I am happy about that. I will be watching the score tomorrow night as it is game 7. I don’t have cable so will have to watch the feed from the internet, which I don’t know where to watch it yet. My sister said YouTube so will check that out.
I have been reading Choosing to Live by Thomas Ellis and Cory Newman. It is a good book. I am not suicidal so it is good reading right now. I hung up my pride flag yesterday that I bought from Amazon. I just hope it stays up with my room’s temp changes. I think it will as I hung up my tissue box and it hasn’t come down. It has been up for more than a couple of years. I also bought a trans rights are human rights T-shirt. I can’t wait to wear it when I see my doc the 8th. I am glad I am starting PT again as my foot has been awful the past couple of days. It has been hurting me so bad. I also need to get my knee checked as it has been hurting since I fell a month ago. The CRPS pain in my ankle and foot has been back. I don’t have anything to take for pain. It sucks so bad. I hope when I see my doc on the 8th she will prescribe me something.
I have to go to the Square Tues to pick up my prescription. I might go to Starbucks and have a latte to read for a bit and then pick it up. Depends on how I feel after therapy. Lately all we’ve been talking about it my mother and how I feel about her. I’ve still been experiencing sadness all the time and now I have moved into depression. I am not hopeless as I know this will pass. I think if I was hopeless I would be suicidal. I keep wanting to check on her. Her room is so empty without her. And the house is too. It really sucks.
midnightdemons7 
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