Tag: hopelessness

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.

Still struggling big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling big time. I had three things to do today: go to the post office, brush my teeth, and shower. I got two of the three things done. I still haven’t showered. I got a big headache and am waiting for it to settle down. I just want to stay in bed and lie down.

I was hoping for a session with my therapist today but it doesn’t look promising. I have been sending her texts today about how my day has been. I was sad to find out that a psychologist died today. My therapist introduced me to him and I bought his book. I can’t remember what the book was about now. Maybe it was a chapter as I can’t seem to find the book on Amazon. It was more than a few years ago and my memory can’t seem to hold on to stuff like it used to.

I took my morning meds this morning. I was able to take the mood stabilizer and Cymbalta. My aunt canceled our lunch date. It was good that she did as my back has been aching all day. It just rained a little while ago so I know that is the reason. My back always knows when precipitation is coming.

I am glad I was able to take my meds. Maybe I can be on a roll as I have been taking them every day for the past three days. Today was the first day that I wasn’t completely knocked out. But I do feel drowsy. I haven’t had any coffee today so maybe that is what I need when I take my meds. I just feel so sleepy. I know part of it is the depression. I have lost my appetite. Yesterday all I had was a bagel for the entire day. And today I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I don’t even have food cravings.

I don’t know why I am so tired. But I don’t sleep. I just lie there. And my brain is toast. I don’t even think of things, except to take a shower. Maybe I should and it will wake me up. But then I think of the hassle of getting undressed and washing up that I just don’t want to do it. Everything is a hassle in self care. Brushing your teeth, showering, washing up, just the whole of it is too much for me right now. It’s much easier to stay the way I am. If I did have to go out, maybe that would force me to shower. But I don’t have to go anywhere, so why bother.

I finally got a sale on my book today. I was thrilled for a whole five minutes. Then I was back to my grumpy self. I still have to work on my paper that I have been procrastinating on. It will give me something to do and I just don’t want to do it. I hate struggling like this. But at least I wrote it out on paper. Half the work is done.

I have been reading more on Joiner’s theory of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. I am reading his book on “Myths of Suicide”. I can understand where he is coming from but I still don’t believe whole heartedly with his theory. I still believe there has to be an element of psychological pain for suicide to happen. I will talk about this more in my paper.

Well, I have exhausted myself. Seems I can’t so anything for long without getting extremely tired, including writing this blog.

beyond Exasperated

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had an early morning today because my father had a doc appointment. It went ok, though my father had no clue what was going on and didn’t understand what the doc was saying. I had to explain it to him in smaller words.

While I was at the doc’s office, I had to use the bathroom. I found out, much to my dismay, that I sharted. Now I am in a very dark mood. I came home, washed up, and while making my way to my room, my ankle exploded. So in addition to losing my dignity, I am now in wicked bad physical pain. I took some pain medication and am calling it a day.

I wrote my therapist a letter that I had hoped to mail today but forget it now. I wrote her an excerpt of the blog I wrote last night. I felt she had the right to know what I wrote. I also added some things to it. I also texted her to try and have her call me. I really need to talk to her because I don’t think I can be ok till our next appointed time. I don’t know if she will call me or not. Some times she is able to and others she is not. I really am hoping someone cancels one of her appointments and I am able to get their time. A session would help me today. I could call my psych but I know she will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to go. Besides, I don’t have a car and with my ankle the way it is, I can’t walk there. I just feel stuck.

Since the shart episode, I feel like I can’t trust myself. I am afraid to do anything that will cause my bowels to move. I hate feeling like an asshole. I know it isn’t my fault but the hardest part of dealing with CES is losing the ability to trust your own body. It’s gone and there is nothing I can do to get it back. The sensitive nerves are damaged and there is no getting these nerves back. I can’t feel myself and haven’t for the past eight years now. It’s the little things like this that bother me the most. And what is worse, is that I have no control over it when it happens. There are no warning signs. Just soiled underwear and skid marks. Luckily today I was wearing a feminine product because of my menses so my underwear didn’t get soiled. And that is the other thing that is frustrating me. That I am having to use feminine products because of my menses. I am beyond exasperated. I should not have to wear them but what choice do I have? It’s either that or really soil my underwear. I am just so frustrated by this. And no one understands, except another CES sufferer.

Why am I dealing with this? I should just be dead. To me that is the answer that I am looking for. I am tired of constantly dealing with a body that isn’t working anymore. I am tired of dealing with depression that makes my soul dark, that sucks the energy out of me. And that also goes for my body excretions as well. You have no idea how tiring it is to have a bowel movement sometimes. I feel like I am in labor. I sometimes am so weak afterwards that I need to rest. All because I can no move my movements because of the nerve damage. I literally have to push and push to get it all out. It is a very tiring process. And if this grosses you out, well, I am sorry. Every time this happens I want to kill myself. I just don’t think I can go on living this way. It’s just too much for me to bear. I am past my breaking point, well past it! I am so far from the edge that I still haven’t realized I am on standing on nothing. Yet gravity hasn’t knocked me down yet to kill me. Or maybe I am just falling in slow motion. I refuse to grab on to anything that might save me. I just am not good enough to go living anymore.

still struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling with the depression. I feel like it is strangling me at this point. I still don’t want to go to therapy but my therapist is persistent and talked me into a session tomorrow, our normal time. I had cancelled it but, of course, she kept it open. I just feel like I can’t get a grip on this thing. I just want to do nothing.

I really wanted a cup of coffee today but there was no cream at my sister’s. I was bummed. I could have went to the store to buy it but found reasons not to. I had to take a shower today as I didn’t take one in almost a week. I did, then tripped over the towel I was using and tweaked my back. I have been hurting ever since. Now I really don’t want to do anything. My mother has been bugging me to get eggs. I will tomorrow, or try to. Depends on how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I can get my starbucks coffee and be a little happy about something.

I have been listening to music to try and help my mood. So far the playlist is on all my songs so it has been helpful because there have been songs I haven’t heard in a while. Some of the songs have meaning, others are just upbeat enough to take me out of the misery for a little bit. I keep trying to fight the depression but it’s tough. Seems like whatever I try to do, it backfires on me and I end up feeling 10 times worse.

I got rudely woken up this morning by my doctor’s office. Because I have a UTI, they were calling to see if I improved. I was so mad because I was in such a sound sleep. I didn’t return the call but the nurse was persistent. She called me again. I told her I was fine. Still having spasms but they are less. Hope this course of antibiotics works. I see my PCP Friday so we’ll see. Thank god the leaking has stopped. I was getting worried there for awhile.

I also see my psychiatrist again on Friday. I don’t know why I need to see her again. It’s not like she can do anything for me. She just wants me to ride out this depression and I can’t stand it. I am very frustrated that there is nothing to do when I get like this. The suicidality has subsided a little bit but I still feel like there is a black cloud following me. I just feel so hopeless and why bother with treatment. It just sucks. I really hate feeling like a piece of shit all the time. I wish there was a medication that worked for me.