Tag: lack of sleep

rough night of sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rough night of sleeping

I didn’t have a good sleep last night. I was up every few fricken hours. I wasn’t in pain or anything, I just kept waking up. I finally gave up around 0600. I just made coffee so that I can wake up without being cranky. I hate it when I don’t sleep through the night.

I need to empty my recycles today. I have two bins full. Actually, it’s my recycle bin and my trash can. I have been lazy to empty it because I don’t want to cause myself pain by going down to the first floor. My ankle is kind of sore today because I made the coffee. I haven’t made breakfast yet. I need to make the bacon I bought or it’s going to go bad. I love bacon sandwiches. And I finally got a good multigrain bread that I like so it will be a super sandwich.

I don’t know why I was so restless last night. I kept tossing and turning as well as putting my foot out of the covers and then putting them back in. I have the ceiling fan going but I am not cold despite it being 30 degrees outside. It was cold in the kitchen though. That is because we have minimal insulation. I had to put my slippers on because I knew the floor would be cold as ice. I didn’t eat anything because I am not that hungry right now.

I sent my psychiatrist the article I plan on writing about later today. I thought about going to Starbucks but seeing as I am drinking coffee, I don’t think I will make the trip out there. I might change my mind later, but I really doubt it. I do have to go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. The NP was supposed to send my script to the mail order company and instead sent it to Walgreens. So instead of getting a 90 day supply, I only get a 2 month supply. I am very annoyed as I specifically told her to send it to CVS. UGH.

I finally bought my favorite ice cream at Walgreens yesterday when I picked up my meds. I was craving the ice cream called Drumsticks. It’s an ice cream cone with vanilla and then topped with chocolate and nuts. It’s so good. I was going to order it on my grocery order but there wasn’t room in the freezer and I knew if I put it in the downstairs freezer, I would forget about it.

I felt guilty about not texting my therapist about yesterday’s events so I sent her the blog I wrote detailing everything that went on. I then texted her that I was in pain and wanted to cry. Last night despite having my pain meds back, I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep, hence why I was up every few hours, taking my foot in and out the covers. My foot would be hot so I take it out and then would get cold so I would have to put it back under. It was so annoying.

I think I have another cavity on the second to last tooth, next to the one I just got filled. The hot coffee is annoying it and it hurts. Just great. I hope it’s just tooth sensitivity and nothing more. I see the dentist next month for a cleaning. I am sure I will find out then what the problem is. It’s funny because for the first time in 20+ years my psychiatrist asked if I go to the dentist. I was telling her about all the treats I have been making and she want to know about my dental health. She doesn’t know that I don’t brush my teeth often. Mostly it’s because I am an airhead and I forget but lately I have been avoiding it because of pain standing.

I hate it when I drink coffee and then feel drowsy. I am going back to sleep. Will write more later.

sleepy but not tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy but not tired

I have been trying to get to sleep for the past hour and have failed. I thought it was odd that I haven’t thought of my father and that when I do, it’s always the last few hours of his life. It’s like I can’t think of anything but that time period. I guess it’s better not to think of him at all.

Last night, our CO detector’s battery is running low and starting beeping. It takes 3 AA batteries and it’s the only detector that beeps after a few months. I don’t know if it’s made like that or not but it’s annoying as all hell because every 3-4 months we are replacing batteries for it. Such a waste.

I did take a shower before bed because I got a sneeze attack. I thought if I took a shower, whatever was causing me to sneeze would be washed away. HA, yea right. Soon as I was going up the stairs to my room, I started sneezing again and again. It was awful. I then decided to use Flonase to try and see if that helped. One of my nostrils is clogged so I don’t think it will be very effective. I will have to use it the next few days to stop fricken sneezing. I hate sneezing non-stop.

A friend of mine on Facebook gave me a recipe for pumpkin pie cupcakes. So I am going to make them some time next week. It’s going to be so much fun! I love cupcakes. I will buy cream cheese frosting and that will be so awesome. You are supposed to top with whipped cream but I think frosting will be better.

I am going to buy Naan with my grocery order. It’s been so long since I had it. I remember when one of my Muslim friends gave me some. I thought it was so good. I haven’t had it since then. I think it might go good with some Biscoff spread.

All I want to do is sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

All I want to do is sleep

I had a very rough night last night. I was so exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. Then this doctor made a tweet that really made me angry. So we exchanged words last night, well after midnight. I was so pissed, I couldn’t calm down. And my foot wasn’t helping because soon as I would relax, it flared up in pain. I had taken a strong pain pill to see if that helped. It did bring the pain down, made me a little high, and was about to knock me out but I just couldn’t relax enough to sleep.

My sister reminded me that I had to babysit and as the hours passed by, I knew I was going to be fucked for the day. I think I finally did fall asleep around 0330 and then woke up about 5 hours later. I checked my phone to see if I needed to go downstairs and there were no messages so I tried to sleep. I did for an hour or so. I then tried calling my niece to see if she was okay and there was no answer. She doesn’t pick up the phone. It is really annoying. So I went downstairs to check on her to find she wasn’t at home. My older niece told me that she had gone to the park. So that left me to do whatever I wanted to do.

I went back up to my room, with the intention of going back to sleep but my stomach was doing flip flops. Then I got hungry. I made a bagel with cream cheese and then went back to my room. I couldn’t sleep. I was wicked exhausted and still am. A couple of hours went by so I decided to make lunch and then try again to sleep. I was successful this go around. Least until my mother called me to help fix dinner. Her sugar dropped so she needed help. We had asparagus and eggs for supper. I would have had the cauliflower but I was so full off the asparagus I couldn’t eat it.

I finally got a response back from my psychiatrist. She wants me to keep her posted. I might page her tomorrow, just to talk. Part of the reason I couldn’t sleep was because the voices were talking to me the whole fucking time. They were keeping me up with their endless chatter. I wanted to take a trilafon last night but I never got the chance. I was so upset over what that doctor had said that it really agitated me. I was going to blog about it and actually started one but never got done because I was so tired.

I texted my therapist to call me or let me know if there was an appointment available. I haven’t heard anything back. It’s really warm today so I didn’t want to go out in the condition I was in. It would have made me more tired. I am going to take my meds early tonight and hope I sleep until tomorrow morning, like at least after 0400! Pain is still there but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t flare up again. My suicidality has increased over the pain the last three days. It wouldn’t be good to have a fourth night of pain.

fucking pissed off II

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Fucking pissed off II

I received a text from my sister. She can’t make the time tomorrow for the oxygen assholes so guess who is going in her place?? Yup, me. I was so looking forward to just staying home, waiting on a delivery that is for me. I have a feeling I know who it is from because they actually specified my floor I live on and there are very few people that know my home address outside of family. So now I got to sit at a dead man’s apartment again. This time, I am taking a few things home with me, like his Ensure and his dirt devil. I don’t think my sisters want it. My youngest sister said she just wants a frying pan. I am also going to take his little basket of quarters. That will be my inheritance, LOL.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep. I bought Martina McBride’s latest album Reckless. I am listening to it now. She has such an amazing voice. She made a song that is on Lady Antebellum’s last album and now I can’t decide who sings it better, Martina or Hillary Scott. Think Hillary sings it better. But I love the lyrics to the song.

I am so aggravated that my sister bailed. I am not surprised though. Just pisses me off that I am still expected to drop everything and do something for a dead guy. I now have to catch the morning bus to his house which means getting up early so I can make coffee and be some what awake to go out. I have been sleeping so poorly the last few nights. Been waking up early morning hours. But that could be the depression, too.

I called my psychiatrist. I didn’t do it as an emergency. I just felt like I should check in with her as I haven’t talked to her since our emergency session last week. I have been emailing her but I really wanted to talk to her. I kind of feel that something is wrong with me because I am not experiencing emotion except anger and that I haven’t really cried for my father since he died. She said what I was feeling was normal. I felt better but she wants me to page her Sunday afternoon. Was not expecting that! Guess she is worried about me.

I was talking with my cousin today. He is really going to miss my father. He is the only male cousin, other than the cousin-in-laws. I feel sad for him. His mother is my Godmother, my father’s sister. I know my father loved him a great deal. He wouldn’t drive people crazy if he didn’t.

As mad as I am, I am also sad. It comes in spurts but doesn’t last too long. I still haven’t cried. I don’t know when that is going to happen. I think me breaking down the other night is what I needed, even though it was more for my aunt than my father. But they were tears none the less.

Don’t like this new album by Martina. There are no songs that hit me other than the title track. It’s not like Eric Church’s album. Maybe I should put him on…