Tag: mental illness

troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I am having a hard time tonight. It started with some panic attacks about my nerve condition. I had to talk to someone about it as I was getting really nervous but didn’t want to go to the ER. One of my friends from the support group gave me her number and we talk for a few hours. We exchanged stories and the like. It was good talking to her because she knew what I was talking about and that made me feel better.

I still haven’t had a chance to fall asleep. I am still in a lot of pain and it is keeping me up. I have my little sound machine on so that it calms my thoughts. I took two ativan and it still hasn’t knocked me out yet. I feel calmer, just not sleepy.

What set me off tonight was my bladder not functioning the way that it should. All day, I have had some hesitancy that has me worried. It could be because of my pain medication or my bladder getting worse, but as I have had back pain over the last few days, I am hoping it is not disc related. I see my PCP next Tuesday and that is a long time to wait to see him when you are anxious. I hope the symptoms resolve by the time I see him. I know what to do if things get worse but I rather not think about it. I hate having MRI’s done. I will need an IV for contrast so I will need to be hydrated so the nurse/technician can find a good vein. I just am really scared and my friend calm me down some. I know I will be better by morning, if i ever get to sleep. I am very tired but just not sleepy. I hate that.

I thought I would write because sometimes writing helps to put me at ease and help me to fall asleep. I just hope that I am not getting CES x 3. I will be very devastated if this happens, especially when I know I didn’t do anything. I have not lifted anything heavy. I have not picked up anything that might twerk my back or slipped or fallen. The only reason my back could be hurting is the change in temperature. And the pain has gone away. I am just left with my regular stupid ass leg/ankle/foot pain. And tonight it does not want to calm down. Course I took my meds a little later than usual. I was watching the Sox game so time escaped from me. I should have taken them when I came home from my cousin’s house. That would have helped some because I know it was going to flare up tonight.

I feel like I am going crazy. I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I usually don’t get panic attacks like I did tonight. I am usually able to handle them better but tonight I just couldn’t deal. My defenses were down for some reason and I just couldn’t cope. It was really difficult asking for help but I am glad I did reach out and someone answered after midnight. It is now 0400. I am going to try and sleep now. Just hope I don’t dream of being back in the psych ward again. That dream totally freaked me out. I was dreaming of ending my life and got very upset that I couldn’t have the pills to end my life. I woke up wrecked. It has been a bad day for me emotionally and physically. No wonder I needed to talk to someone. I am so glad I have therapy tomorrow. I am also going to see if the Bozo has time Thursday. I am supposed to go to the Sox game but maybe she has an afternoon time before the game. I don’t know. I hate feeling vulnerable. PTSD makes you feel that way.

Self-Esteem Around Bodily Functions

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression, suicidality

I slept most of the day today. Which was kind of good as I no longer have the back pain I was experiencing. Today was the first time since Friday that I have no back pain. Maybe it was just a flare up with the temp and I am on the mend now. I am so relieved. But that still doesn’t explain the extra leak I had yesterday. I was hoping it was sweat but it didn’t smell like it. I hate when I pee my pants. But it’s a part of my life now. I really hate it but there is nothing I can do about it. I could wear diapers but that can be costly. I don’t leak that much, so I am grateful for that. But it still doesn’t help my self-esteem.

I had therapy today but I have no recollection of it. I really wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying. She was going off about how I should get one of my nieces or my nephew to help me move stuff so I can get my AC in my window. I had to call time out because I really had to go to the bathroom to do #2. She knows that when I have to go, I have to go. I felt really bad as we were in the middle of session but, I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I didn’t want to crap myself. I apologized and she said it was okay but I still felt bad. I really felt horrible at having to put a pause to our conversation, even if it was crappy, just so I can relieve my bowels. I mean, I felt better physically wise, with the relief, but I felt terrible psychological wise. And I don’t know why that is. When you have to go, you have to go. But with me it’s a little different. Most people can hold their bowels. I don’t know how because it has been so long for me. I just know that if I didn’t stop our conversation when I did, there would have been an accident in my bedroom floor. And I think that would have made me feel worse than stopping our conversation.

While I was doing my business, she read one of the blogs I sent her. I told her it was how I felt. If I were to die tomorrow, I would be happy. Weird that the last dream I had, had to do with being suicidal. I was getting my pills to do me in and for some reason they wouldn’t fill it and it made me panicky. I was like oh shit. It was a really strange dream because in it, I was hospitalized for being suicidal! I guess being in the hospital has been on my brain a little more than it should be. I would like to be in, just to get a little routine going and someone to make sure I take my meds at the right time and stuff. But it also means suicide is on my mind a little more than I thought it would be. Funny how your dreams always tell you how things are when you are not thinking of it.

My pain is still there in my ankle. That is one pain that never goes away. Even while I was going through back pain, I still had my ankle pain. I told my therapist today that I am tired of being in pain all the time. I don’t think that went through her head. I don’t think she is getting me. And that is pissing me off. I just feel like I am crying wolf again. I say that I am suicidal, and everyone hears me. Then when I am really suicidal and in pain, no one hears me. It’s like they get so used to me telling them I am suicidal they don’t want to hear it anymore. It’s like “okay, you are suicidal”, just like when I say “I am depressed”. I am not expecting people to jump. I just wish they would listen to me a little more is all.

It’s after 0230. I woke up several hours ago and can’t go back to sleep. I just took my meds and my pain pills so hopefully, I will fall back to sleep soon.

I really feel down. And I don’t know what to do about it. Therapy isn’t helping. Meds aren’t helping. Why should I go on? There is no purpose in my life. I thought my book would be a good seller and I would be able to live off it a little bit better than I am now, but that was not the case. I still have not sold one book in the month of June. And all I keep thinking about is the taxes that I owe. I still have not received my payment from Kindle. I am hoping that will be sometime this month.

I guess my aunt that desperately wanted to talk to me, doesn’t. I have messaged her a few times and gotten no response. I know she is on Facebook. Just pisses me off. She has my number so why doesn’t she call me if it was that important? Just the way my family is. Hurry up and wait. One of my other aunts thinks that I am going to write a book about her family. She is nuts if she thinks I am going to work with her. Oh and the other big thing is that she doesn’t expect any money, just a little. PPPFFFTTTT. Not going to happen. There is too much one sided thinking with her and the truth will not come out about how the family really is. She will write it like we are all good citizens and such when really they are nothing but greedy assholes. I can go into more detail but I won’t as I don’t know who reads my blog. But that is the gist of it. And I refuse to contribute to the lies.

I think the “high” or upbeat feeling that I was feeling with the Cymbalta is coming to an end. I am starting to feel really down. But the good news is that I am not seeing my therapist today. My first Tuesday off from her. I wish we could meet in the evenings where I am a little bit more coherent but whatever. It sucks meeting in the morning. My thoughts are really together sometimes and I don’t remember half of what we talk about. Sometimes I am in good space and I remember, but most times I don’t. Therapy is so hard.

I need to buy tank tops for the summer. I only have two kinds and though I am fond of one, I can’t go outside with the other. My fricken boobs hang out too much. So I just wear them around the house. If I do have to go out, I will wear a t-shirt. I don’t have a sports bra. I haven’t worn a bra in years. I don’t even know my size anymore. And it doesn’t matter because I won’t buy them. I just don’t care to.

I don’t know what happened

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t know what happened

I took a big dose of Nyquil to calm my cough down and get some sleep from the allergies that have been plaguing me all day. Within an hour or so, I got a buzzed feeling and decided to sleep. Nope…not happening. I then got an itching for ice cream and had some. Well, that was stupid of me. Now I really can’t sleep and my ankle is sore as hell for going up and down the stairs.

I don’t know where all this energy is coming from. I am not high per se, but I am somewhere in between. My Sox are losing and I should be paying attention to the game rather than writing this blog, but I have no interest in the Indians. I am in a writing mood and that almost never happens. SO I am going to write…

I was listening to a song earlier about “got a little drunk last night” by the Eli Young Band. It got me thinking about my ex. I know I have not talked about her on here because it just is too painful. She was my first love and at this point, I think she will be my only love. But she has a lot of issues. More issues than you can shake a stick at. I won’t get into them but mainly her health is what scares me the most. She recently re-friended me on Facebook and then after an IM session blocked me. I have no idea what I said that caused that to happen. We were talking about how to get to a hospital that is very difficult to get to when you are not used to the surrounding areas. I was trying to get her to use public transportation as that would be easier than driving and poof, she was gone. Her medical issues are getting worse and I just can’t handle it. I know she is going to die sooner than I would because she most likely will go on dialysis for her kidney issues. She has diabetes to boot. And MS. And that is what I know of. She has psych issues too, which is probably why she went and blocked me. I feel bad about her blocking me. I thought this time around we might be friends without the benefits sort of. But now, it is not going to happen because she blocked my ass. I never had anyone block me before, least not that I know of anyway. I miss talking with her. And I guess that was the bottom line. But oh well. Se la vie. She is out of my life, probably for good this time around. It’s her loss.

I do miss having someone in my life that I can talk to. Someone to go out with and hang with. But at the same time, I am glad I don’t because I don’t need the stress of a relationship right now. I can barely keep myself together. My aunt just IM’d me. Said she wants to talk with me. Great. And I know it has to do with my book. I don’t know if I can handle talking about my book with someone. I know she is my aunt, but we aren’t that close, close. She suffers from depression too. Maybe that is what she wants to talk about. I just don’t want to cry in front of her. That would not be good.

I went shopping after everything I did today. BAD IDEA. My fricken foot is not happy with me right now. It’s swollen and it hurts. It is very angry with me. And I am angry with myself. I knew that walking around the grocery store was going to trigger another flare up but I needed my flame retardant Powerade as I only had one bottle left. I spent more than I should have as I went a little crazy. The baked beans were on sale. I love baked beans. My mother told me to buy two, and I bought four. Then I had to buy bread and ice cream. I really didn’t need the ice cream but wanted to have it. I just had some, in case you were wondering. A late night snack. I really want to make a cheeseburger but I will tomorrow. I am in no condition to operate a stove. I still feel buzzed out from the Nyquil.

I am going to ask my therapist what the hell are the objects Freudians talk about in their literature. It is bugging the crap out of me. I just hope I remember to ask her. Because unless you know what the hell they are talking about, the sentences make no sense!!

This week’s AAS post was about coming out as an attempt survivor and then getting fired because of it. It is discrimination just like I was discriminated against because of my mobility issues. But getting back to the article, I think it was an eye opener. Now I feel that anyone that reads my book is going to know my deep darkness and it might cost me a job or two or three. Leave aside my debt issues, and what do I have to show for the last two years? Writing this blog and a book about my struggles with mental illness. I am lucky I am on disability because I really don’t think I can hold a job anymore than I can stand more than twenty minutes in one place. I want to be a barista but I don’t think I can stand to be on my feet for eight hours. Course, working at a place where you can screw up a double skinny no whip latte can be challenging and then having to make it again because it is “cold”, might piss me off. I vowed after working for a place for three years that went out of business, that I would not go back to retail. But I like customer service. I like interacting with people. It is the one thing that I miss most about not working is the isolation it brings. I don’t have many friends outside of the internet. Sure I have family but if you look at my call list, you will not see that many calls from friends where there used to be many. I hardly go over my limit of 450 minutes anymore because most of my calls are mobile to mobile. The only person to call me from a landline is my mother, usually. My father will also call from a landline. And the most they will talk to me is a minute or two. Boring.

I don’t know why I am getting pain in my “good” leg. Started with zaps in my heel and ankle and now I am getting pain in my calf. I think something is wrong with my back. I haven’t been getting back pain but for me to be having pain down my leg, it has to be coming from the back. And that scares me. I don’t want another surgery. I don’t even want to see another neurosurgeon for the rest of my life. I will kill myself if I have to have another back operation to repair my disc. I will have to have a fusion and I just don’t want to because that will mean permanent disability. Not saying I can work now but there is a chance I might find office work as a receptionist or something but that will go down the tubes if my back is gone and fused. I will lose whatever mobility I have and I just can’t risk that. I rather be dead.

The unproductive side of depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got up early today but quickly went back to bed as it was six in the morning. I wanted to get up and be productive today but it hasn’t happened yet. I am fighting the urge to go back to bed as we speak but thought I would write for a bit.

I have never had a depression be this bad before. I usually spend a day or two in bed. But never more than that. Sure there are days I don’t shower and that bothers me, but sleeping all day every day for the past several days is worrying me. I feel lazy though I have no reason to be.

I really want to read the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a clinical book and is laden with a whole bunch of terms, some I am familiar with, others not so much. The reason I want to read this book is because I am bored. I am tired of reading about suicide books and history. I need something different. But the problem is that my depression is interfering with my reading skills. And because I am tired all the time, it is difficult to pick up a book, any book.

I haven’t journaled in my journal in what seems like weeks. I just don’t see the point. Monday I have an appointment with my therapist. I really would like to get at least a chapter of something in before then. The depression has been so bad that I don’t even play my game anymore or I am only on for a few minutes and then I shut down the laptop to go sleep.

I just feel so unproductive. Today I made pancakes but it was such a hassle and I make them sucky. They weren’t as good as the last batch. I still have not showered and need to badly. I feel so useless. My music doesn’t help me anymore. I listen but it is more like background noise. And when I try to read, I need to shut the music off because I need my reading voice in order to read. Weird that the voices have been quiet lately. I hope it’s not the calm before the storm. Last thing I need is to become psychotic. I will have to go into the hospital if that happens. I wish I could get an energy burst or something. I am so depressed I don’t even want my coffee anymore. I haven’t had coffee since Tuesday. Course I am out of my Starbucks funds so that is one reason I haven’t had coffee. But I can use my sister’s Keurig to make a cup, if I was inclined, which I am not. Maybe tomorrow I will make a cup.