Tag: mental illness

nothing man

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

“she loves him// she doesn’t want to leave this way// she needs him that’s why she’ll be back again”. Better Man, Pearl Jam

This is how therapy goes with me. I need it, she needs me.

****Warning might be triggering****

I was thinking about writing a story about my suicidal thoughts and I think I have it all set. Here goes:

He cuts the length of rope that needs, enough to cover the bed and his neck. He doesn’t know why they don’t sell a smaller rope size. 250 feet is really too long to do the deed for such a small space. All he needed was about 50 or so feet. If they sold it in bulk, he would have asked for that but the Home Depot didn’t. Somerville Lumber did. How he misses working in that store. He misses the people more than he did the regular customers that really kept the business alive.

He figures out the length and then carefully double knots everything so it stays in place. All attention to detail must be made. The biggest fear he has is that the bed will come with him as he hangs out the window. It is a cold day today. Maybe he should put on some heavier clothing, he wonders then laughs at the idea. He hopes God will forgive him as he take the final step out the window. Good-bye world he says, to himself. No one else can hear him. He struggles with the rope around his neck. He wants it off, it is strangling him. He feels like he is going to lose consciousness and finally he does. He just hangs there, lifeless. His task completed. His horror over.

chronic urge to kill myself

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide attempt

It has been less than 24 hours since my last post. I really don’t care. I am in a lot of pain right now and soon I will be down for the count. I hate being in pain all the time. It started when I got to the kitchen to make myself a bagel. My foot cramped on the cold tile floor. I know I should have been wearing slippers but I wasn’t thinking. I had to go to the bathroom fast or I would have lost control of my bladder. Soon after my foot settles down, my calf muscle in the same leg decides to spasm up a little bit so now it is tight and I can’t stretch it out. I was going to watch the Red Sox parade on TV but I just took my pain meds so I will be knocked out soon.

People think that I am normal and that is what kills me. Most of the time I feel like I am normal until the pain starts and tells me otherwise. I cannot win. I wish I were dead. I wish I had taken my life back in August when I was supposed to. Now I am living and in pain and I hate myself for it. Those blue buildings are crushing me and I can’t keep myself away from me any longer. Time for a new plan and one that I can go through with. I am just so tired of being in pain every single day.

In other painful news, The book Team of Rivals that took me literally most of the year to read, I finally finished it last night. I didn’t cry like I thought I would. The author wrote almost ten pages to get to his death. Talk about being wordy. There were some good parts of the book. I wrote a review of it and sent it off to my writing partner for comment. I was harsh but then I really did not like this book. I read it because ten pages of it were based on the movie Lincoln. 10 bloody pages of the 800 page book!! Yes, just shoot me and even those pages were like, huh? That didn’t happen in the movie!! The book rushed the 13th amendment, Robert going into the Army, and the delegate meeting for peace. Ten pages! Really makes you wondering what the 790 pages were about…but This blog is not for book reviews that do not deal with suicidality. I just wrote about it because it was a very painful read, and that I read this book for something other than it was worth. Soon as I post the review on Amazon, I will tell you, for those that are interested.

I am off to dreamland again. I had an interesting breakfast of Oreo Golden cookies and a bagel. I will watch clips of the rally on twitter or TV. I am sure people will be posting pics on Facebook as well. There are more than 10,000 people already in Boston. I would have gone if I was healthy but I am not. I just have the chronic urge to kill myself and chronic pain to fuel it. This is the type of life I lead.

actors and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache

I previously blogged earlier today but wanted to post this before going to bed. I have learned many things about depression and although I know some of you are suffering from this horrendous disease, knowing that what FEELS like forever is not, in fact, FOREVER.

I have been a fan of Wil Wheaton since I was a teen. He was, you can say, my crush. My school had gigantic photos of him in our school cafeteria in middle school and I was able to take them home and literally poster my wall with these posters. I became a member of his fan club, WilPower. He spoke his true heart about his life in letters he sent out to the group that were his thoughts, not those of his publicist or agent. I have been following him on twitter the since I became a member of twitter and he sends some of the funniest things, nerd things, that make my day. But what he doesn’t talk about often, is the black clouds that sometimes follow him around. He talked about them today because he got over his bad day yesterday and the day before that in his blog that he writes. I have included it here to inspire you to know that what I say is true. Depression is a black dog that can haunt your life, but it ebbs and flows like the tide. Some days are really, really, bad. Other days it might not be so noticeable. He talks about that and I am so proud of him and his accomplishments. He is way nerdier than I am as some of his stuff is over my head but he does have talent. I love him and always will, though not in any other way than in a respectful and admiration kind of way. He is not the gender I prefer. But that is not what is important. If I could, I would send him tweet every day saying that I love and care for him and hope that he is having a good day but there is only so much you can do with 140 character limit. And if I get too overzealous and send him tweets he might block me and I am too afraid of that. His biggest thing is that he just wants to be treated as a guy. His motto is “don’t be a dick”. I can respect that.

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.