Tag: mental illness

blanket of gloom

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Not having a good day. I had therapy this afternoon. I had to take a pain med before it started because my ankle was acting up. I was kind of out of it while talking with my therapist. I know I got really depressed while talking with her. Seemed like a blanket of doom covered me while we were talking. I couldn’t shake it. I still feel that way. We were talking about my “splits” where I feel like half a day I am ok and then at night the demons come out. She can’t make sense out of them anymore than I can. She doesn’t know if medication can help but she really wants something to be done as she knows how lethal my moods can become.

After therapy, I made myself some lunch and tried to get a nap in but I just couldn’t get into a deep sleep. I had music playing so that is probably why. I still feel kind of sleepy. I still feel depression of gloom over me.

My pdoc didn’t have much to say about my “splits”. She only asked if we were still meeting tomorrow. I HATE when she doesn’t give me any input. I feel like I am spiraling out of control. But no one around me is noticing. I am mostly in my room. Only time I get out is to get food or go to the bathroom as the house is so damn hot. I can’t take the heat of the house or the humidity and the A/C is only in my room. But even when I have dinner with my mother she doesn’t notice a change. The only time I do leave the house is when I go to Starbucks, though I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks.

I don’t know why I keep to myself. I guess it is because there is no one really to talk to other than my online friends. It’s not that I have been purposely keeping myself isolated. I just have no social life. My few friends that I have, have been busy. And with this depression, I really don’t want to really socialize anyways because I just feel so low.

My therapist is keeping a better eye on me now that she knows about these “splits”. She thinks because I keep my self so compartmentalized that the depressive side comes out when I am most vulnerable, when I am ready to sleep. Last night I didn’t stay up too late. I took some meds and added some and was asleep by 0100. I can’t remember if I had a good or bad night. I know that I was feeling a little hyper the beginning of the night. But taking my antipsych med calmed me down.

I don’t know why I feel this cloak of doom. It feels like a weight following me around. I don’t feel pain of any sorts, other than my ankle being a pest. But I just feel so gloomy. It’s awful. I hate feeling this way but I accept it because what else are you going to do? It’s not like you can see this blanket to take it off.

psychosis while reading

by Midnight Demon, posted in psychosis, writing

Just wrote a few pages for my book. I don’t know if it will ever get finished or published but it is a start. I add to it every now and then. I should edit it a little bit to add more to it but then I might want to scrap the whole thing.

I got to my Starbucks and am having my Kati Kati coffee. It’s so good, I might get another one before I go. But I think one coffee per day is my limit. Otherwise I might have a night like last night where I was up most of the night. But it wasn’t because I was restless, it was because I was in pain. The pain finally settled down around three in the morning. I fell asleep shortly there after.

I started writing about my past in the book. And about my diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder. I am not sure I can explain it as I don’t understand it too well myself. But it is basically episodes of hypomania and severe depression, mostly severe depression as the hypomania come infrequently. I have had this diagnosis since I was sixteen. I thought it was just due to a medication reaction (Prozac made me hyper and crazy) but when it lingered long after the half-life, I knew that I had it. But I still have the psychosis that is inherent in my illness. I have been having voices since I was five years old. It’s hard to explain how the voices evolved. But they are still with me and they are not my voices. I know because usually when I read, there is a man voice that reads with me. When I don’t hear this voice then I know it is my voice reading. I once asked my therapist if she hears a voice while she is reading and she says that she doesn’t. I find that odd. I thought everyone had a voice that changes with the way that the book’s words go. I guess I am truly psychotic.

Last night while I was reading it was difficult because I didn’t hear a voice. I don’t know if it was because I was too tired to read or that I just didn’t want to get into the book. I finally gave up after reading for a half hour. I am tempted not to take my meds to see if the voices to do come back while I read. It does make for interesting reading when the voice changes when there is dialog in the book. Usually I hear a man’s voice narrate as I read. He wasn’t there last night and I found it odd. I tried to imagine voices while I read but it just took more effort to try and pay attention to what I was reading. It was very difficult concentrating.

sleepless night

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Listened to the Sox win the game. I can’t sleep. It is too hot in my room despite the A/C cranked. My ankle is killing me and I just took an Ativan to try and calm down as my thoughts are squirrelly. It’s going to be a long week as the Red Sox are on the west coast this week which means the games are going to be late ones. I have not missed a game all season, though I might have fallen asleep during one or two. Listening to monotone voices will do that.

I miscalculated my numbers for reaching 10,000 views for my blog. Unless I can get 40 views per day over the next two weeks, I am not going to reach it. My average is 20 views per day so I seriously doubt it is going to happen. But, stranger things have happened. I got 143 views in a single day. If that happens again, I will be in good shape. The nice things about knowing the stats is where the views come from. Today I had about 10 different countries looking at my blog. Usually I just have the US, Canada, the UK, and sometimes Australia. Today I had those four plus Bolivia, Belgium, and India. I forget the other countries.

I hate it when I can’t sleep. It makes me really restless and the more I try to sleep the more restless I get. Which is why I am writing. Sometimes writing will calm me down enough to sleep. I don’t feel racy. My thoughts are just going around in circles because my ankle pain is driving me nuts. I had a deep stabbing pain earlier this evening and now my ankle and foot are on fire. I can’t seem to find a comfy position to put my foot. I am a side sleeper and usually sleeping on my right side will ease the pain but not tonight. So I switch and that makes it worse. I can’t sleep on my back because I will have to raise my feet up so my back doesn’t hurt. And I am too lazy to grab my trapezoid foam cushion to put my legs up. I know I am making excuses. But it’s tough being in pain this late at night. If I am not asleep by two thirty in the morning, I will take another dose of my pain meds. I can’t take anymore right now because it will be too early.

Because of my suicidality, I have been thinking of going in the hospital but there is no way that I can. Not with the way my current pain med prescription is written. I will only have one pill every six hours. That is not going to do me any good, especially when I am in this amount of pain. And if I get a flare up in the hospital, which I most certainly will, I will be beyond screwed. I know I did too much today and now I am paying the price. I hope tomorrow will be better but it already is tomorrow.

My mood still sucks. I still feel like I am in a bottomless pit. I hate it. I have tried to get out of it a few times today but it seems every time I try, the deeper I am sucked in. I have listened to good music to try and keep my spirits up but it has done nothing for me. Just made me think more about why I am single and not in a relationship. Made me think of my ex-girlfriend who I know I hurt once again. I have been meaning to try and text her but I know it is probably for the best that I leave her be. I miss her though. I miss talking to her. But she is crazier than I am. Because of this, I broke up with her again. She just doesn’t realize that she is hurting herself in ways and I can’t be around that. I have tried to point it out to her several times and still she goes back to the same behavior so I put an end to our relationship. It was difficult to do but it had to be done.

Maybe that is why I am depressed. I have not told anyone about how I feel about losing her. Everyone has told me to dump her, that she isn’t good for me. But yet I have not told anyone how much it hurts being apart from her. I know she isn’t good for me and I am probably not good for her, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings got hurt in the process. We have known each other since high school. It really hurts to see this relationship end because of differences of opinion and her wanting to be the victim all the time. And she not taking care of herself. That is what killed me. We are 90 miles away from each other and I couldn’t be there for her even if I wanted to. And another reason why I ended it. No long distance relationship lasts.

I guess I will stop here as it is approaching 2 am.

Enduring the unendurable

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I thought I would try and write a little bit about my thinking about suicide and what it means. I have spent the last hour reading up on Shneidman’s psychache, the psychological pain that encompasses you to think only about ending the pain, even if it means ending your life. Then I read some more about the factors that go into psychache and suicidal thinking. It was a refresher course in knowing about suicide as psychache.

In getting to what my therapist wanted to me to write about constriction, there really is nothing to write. It is a term concocted by Shneidman that basically means you are fixated on one thing to ease your pain. But what I did come across, that is interesting, is what the Emperor of Japan said to his people after the end of WWII. He basically told them to “endure the unendurable and suffer what is unsufferable” so as to contain any suicides as the Japanese are an honorable country. That thinking is the formula for outliving a suicidal crisis.

I have been feeling good the past few days and don’t know why. I don’t know if it is hypomania or what but my mood has totally did an about face. It is eerily weird to feel so carefree. Yet in the back of my mind I am scheming and plotting to end my life in two months. Least that is what I think I am thinking. But then my friend from Nebraska reconnected with me. I am thinking that maybe I can take the Emperor’s advice and try to keep enduring the unendurable. I know I say this now that I am not experiencing any dysphoria or physical pain. I just can’t think that I can stop thinking about killing myself is somehow contributing to my euphoric feelings because I know I have a way out of my suffering. It is a funny place to be, and I don’t mean the ha ha kind of funny. I never have felt good for more than a few days at a time and this go round will be almost a week that I have felt up.

Since reconnecting with my college friend, I feel that I must tell him that I might not be around that much longer. I think he has the right to know as we have been friends for almost fifteen years now. But will I cause worry? Will he believe me when I tell him this? Or will he just chalk it up with the myth that talking about it means you won’t do it? I won’t know until I tell him. I rather he find it out from me than from someone else, though seeing as we have few friends in common, the likelihood of him finding out will be slim/next to none. But then I wonder how many of my friends will find out that I have died. I thought of writing a note to someone to tell them what to do as I don’t think my family would be able to do it but I don’t think that I can do that. Most likely that friend would ignore me or think that I am just talking.