Tag: mental pain

why do I keep fighting?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Why do I keep fighting?

I woke up from my nap. My pain level was the same. My mood was shifted a little bit but still dreary. And I just keep asking myself, why do I keep fighting the urge to end things when it’s so damn prominent. I again wanted to take a bottle of pills today. I thought about calling my psychiatrist. I thought of texting a hotline. I texted my therapist with no hope of her returning my text. I don’t know why I bother. She says she wants to be kept in the loop. What good is that if I feel suicidal and she doesn’t get back to me? Not a good system, if you ask me.

I didn’t do anything except listen to music. I read for a little while but then I couldn’t go back to it. My attention span for reading just wasn’t there. I haven’t finished a book in a while. I think February was the last time I did so.

I could have called my psychiatrist. I was afraid she would try and convince me to go to the hospital and I didn’t want to say no to her as I was feeling so crappy. I also didn’t want to argue with her. Most of the arguing was already in my head. I hate feeling this way. Now it’s late at night and I still feel like taking some pills. Why should I fight it? I can still call my psych but I really don’t want to bother her. Thing is, I would have to page her and my paging success haven’t been to successful in the past. There used to be a number that I had that you would get a person to page her but I have lost the number. I just have a paging system number that I don’t even know if it still works. I know if it goes through, she will call me back when she can.

What am I fighting for exactly? Why don’t I just give in to what I feel is right? Ending my life is what I want. I am tired of being in pain, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so tired of dealing with pain and today was not the worst day but when you get hit with psychache, nothing else matters except killing yourself.

I want to give in so bad. I don’t know why I haven’t. I guess I am afraid that I won’t succeed, that I will be a failure that I know I am. If I had a beam or a gun, things would be different. You just can’t trust pills.

just a ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

About an hour ago, my foot exploded in pain after I took an NSAID and some Neurontin. Now the pain is a little bit more manageable. I keep thinking over today’s events with the AAS conference tweets. I like that my Twitter buddies went to difference speaking engagements so you got different things. I especially liked the Marsha Linehan talk. She is a great person, though I didn’t like her at first. That was many years ago and at a time when DBT was the “thing” to do for people like me.

Now I would love to see CAMS to be the “thing” to do. But I don’t think I will ever find or convince my therapist to take a workshop on CAMS. She thinks her way is the right way and there is no more “learning” to be done because I do it. I am the suicidologist, not her. I think her attitude reflects most therapists that have become set in their ways. She is collaborative, don’t get me wrong and I am grateful for that but when it comes to my suicidality, it increases her anxiety and so I get shafted. I have to “limit” what I tell her so she doesn’t freak out. She has become better since the letter that I sent her last September. She is more willing to do what needs to be done in therapy to help me rather than hinder me. I give her credit for that. I know it wasn’t easy to give up my sessions this week. Whereas before, she wouldn’t think twice about canceling. It would be a no and that would be all. I would have had therapy whether I liked it or not.

I think next month I need to spend more money on my laptop because the cooling fan is going. I saw how it was to be replaced and it’s too complicated for me. I am going to ship it back to Dell and use my old laptop. I should make sure that it works before I send this off. I changed the battery on it because it needed a new one. That was the easy part. I am just grateful I have a backup laptop that I can use for what I need. I know internet explorer is useless on it. There is a problem with the hard drive that makes it impossible to update windows. I never got a new hard drive because it’s a pain re-installing everything.

I emailed my psychiatrist and told her I wasn’t going to the hospital because there was zero data supporting that it would be helpful or useful for me. All it would do is babysit me and I don’t need to be babysat. The last time I was in the hospital, my psych thought it would be “helpful” for the team to know that my father was sick and that I was his “caretaker”. I went in there because I couldn’t handle being transgender, or being in chronic pain all the time. I went there for my needs not my father’s. I was pissed that she brought it up. And it’s not like they were doing psychotherapy with me, though I am sure they were billing my insurance company for it. It’s just stupid. I rather go to the city hospital and stay there for a few days. It will be worse as I won’t have any electronics to play with, including the use of my cell phone.

There are a lot of things that I need to talk to my therapist about and I hope that we don’t talk fifty minutes of my father’s ailments. I don’t mind talking to my psych about my father because we just briefly talk about him and then we talk about my symptoms and how I am doing with it. We don’t spend the whole time talking about my father’s problem. My therapist is the crazy one. We always talk about the same things with my father. It’s never different because his ailment doesn’t change. He is a sick man and will probably die within a year if he continues to deteriorate. I have come to terms with that. My therapist just doesn’t see it and wants to talk about it like it’s so very important, thus avoiding my other side, the depression and subsequent suicidality.

I feel like taking a handful of Neurontin tonight. I just want oblivion. Maybe I will take a high enough dose and see what happens. My luck, nothing will happen.

two accomplishments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Two accomplishments

I got my haircut and took a shower afterwards. Then I slept for most of the afternoon. I woke up hungry so I made a black bean burger. I really like them but the spice kills my taste buds for a little while. It’s so hot. I haven’t had an Ensure all day so that is good. For breakfast I had a Danish. I wanted to make coffee but I just didn’t have the energy for it.

My new slippers came. They are a little tight on me but fit and are comfortable. I ordered PJs last night. This is in case I need to go in the hospital, I will at least have comfy sleepwear. My ankle has been bothering me all day. I don’t know why as I haven’t done anything other than walk to the barber shop. I was supposed to go to the post office to mail some stuff but that didn’t happen either. My funds are swindling with all these purchases.

Last night I felt suicidal again. I texted my therapist. I didn’t want to bother my psychiatrist. I knew the feeling would pass and it did. Night time is a rough time for me lately, it always has been. My heart just becomes heavier and it drives me crazy because there is nothing I can do about it. I watched a couple episodes of Friends to distract me but it only worked for a little bit. I wish I still had my game. I really miss it. There are other games that are similar to the game that I played but it’s not as easy to maneuver nor is it fun or challenging.

I am supposed to have a check in with my therapist sometime today. It hasn’t happened yet, but then she is back to back so I am sure it’s only a matter of her getting a chance to call. I don’t have a session with her until Tuesday. I have been thinking of writing her a letter to give her an update. I just don’t know what to say in the letter. I think I am going to handwrite it and then try and read it to her Tuesday.

My mother made home made pork fried rice. It was the best rice she has made in a long time. It didn’t come out wicked salty. I think I am done with eating for today. Today has been the first day in a long time that I ate more than one thing in a 24hr period. I hope this continues.

I still feel in the dumps. I still have thoughts of ending my life. Things don’t look so good right now. I am worried that I might have to go back to the hospital and just get frustrated because I won’t be getting care that I need. Course, what that care is, I have no idea. It doesn’t exist in the hospital anymore. It used to. Not anymore. Now it’s more like 15 minutes of “treatment” with your treatment team and that is all. Most of it is dependent on nursing care staff.

Suicide and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I have so much going on in my head tonight that it’s making it hard to sleep. My sister called me a girl tonight and it really hurt me. I thought she understood about the transgender stuff but I guess not. I didn’t correct her. I was too ashamed. It set me off in a suicidal space. I just keep thinking about how I should be dead. I came really close to killing myself the other night. I know I didn’t attempt to do it but I really wanted to. And it was scary to me that I could have done it. Hell I can do it now but I don’t know what is stopping me.

I canceled therapy for the week. I just can’t bear to talk about this with anyone, except my blog. She called me man when she told me she was giving me the okay to cancel. She said under the “new approach” I don’t have to have a reason to cancel. I want to cancel next week but I think that will be pushing it. I just don’t feel like I am being effective in therapy anymore. We talk about stuff but I feel like it’s not enough. I still get depressed. I am still suicidal. I just don’t want to be anymore.

It’s hard when you are in the wrong body. I know I haven’t talked about this in a while. Mostly because it hasn’t really bothered me. But tonight when I got a message from my sister, it hurt. I will never be seen as the man my mind thinks I am. I know I will feel better when I get my haircut. Right now I feel like I am a chia pet as my hair is all over the place. When I see my psychiatrist today, I am going to ask her if she thinks I am a guy or a girl. I need her input because her opinion means so much to me.

I keep thinking about suicide. I try not to but it’s back and it’s there and there isn’t nothing I can do to stop the thoughts. I know there are hotlines I can call or text to talk about it but I am tired of seeking help. I just want to die. I can’t stand myself anymore. I am tired of being called “daughter” and “sister” and “miss”. It’s just so not me.

There is a conference going on in Chicago right now. I want to be there because it’s always loaded with information about suicide prevention and it always helps me feel better because it gives me hope. It helps me to realize that there are others like me who is interest in the study of suicide. Though I have a different agenda. I use the information to either affirm that I should be dead or use the information to help me get better. Like CAMS is a useful tool. I use it in my therapy and it has helped me over and over again. If I didn’t belong to the organization, I never would have known about this framework and I probably would be dead. Course, at the rate things have been going, I could still be headed toward pushing up daisies. Just use me as fertilizer. I am good for nothing else.

Hope is a tricky thing. It can either make you or break you. I have been increasingly hopeless this past week. I have been trying to hold on to it but it’s so slippery and keeps slipping through my fingers. It’s like a bar of soap when you shower. Now matter how much you try to grab it, it still falls to the floor. You know it’s there but you just can’t hold on to it. And it just increases your depression.