Tag: mental pain

Anxiety surrounding death

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Anxiety surrounding death

My sisters visited my father today. They spent around three hours watching him sleep. It was totally different than the day before. My sister wants hospice so I called the nurse today to set things up. We will need to sign a consent for the admission to hospice tomorrow. My anxiety surrounding my father’s imminent death is driving me nuts. I have been having palpitations and nervousness that I have never felt before. I am also scared of losing my father.

No one prepares you for losing a parent. This has been so damn hard. I am glad that I have the support of my psych team and my sisters as well as you, the blog readers. I am not sure what I would do without this support. I would feel utterly alone.

Something is telling me that my father is going to pass before Monday. Just hearing the description my sister was giving me made me really sad. I have such a heavy heart and it’s only going to get worse. I also have been in pain most of the day with my fucking ankle. It has made getting around the house difficult. I am glad that I have some pretzels in my room so I didn’t have to go back down the stairs to eat something.

A childhood friend that just lost her mother a few months ago, reached out to me today on Facebook. I was appreciative of the gesture. She is a good friend. I would have gone to her mother’s wake had I had a vehicle. It wasn’t in an area that was T accessible.

My father’s niece who is in Florida contacted me. She wanted one more dance with him. I thought that was sweet of her. My father loved dancing. I remember at my Aunt’s 90th birthday party, he was dancing so hard. He kept saying he was tired but that didn’t stop him. She wants to be informed and is happy we are taking him home to pass. I just wish we had a few more days in the nursing home. I hope the appeal goes through and we do have that time so we don’t have to move him. But knowing our luck, it won’t happen that way.

I keep thinking about the eulogy. Frankly, no matter who says it, I know that I am going to be a basket case. I have been holding on for so long to stay out of the hospital that after the funeral and all is said and done, I will be going in. There will be nothing holding me back. I will finally be able to care for myself and if people think that I am selfish for going in, so be it. They don’t understand my mood disorder and how precipitous it has been the last few weeks. I just hope I don’t get agitated with this anxiety that I am feeling because that will just suck.

My menses are still going strong. I thought by now it will be over and it’s not. It must be because of the stress I am under.

After the Party

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

After the Party

I left the party soon after the cake was served. I had two slices and a lot of pizza. My sister had made this flatbread type pizza with I think pita bread and it was so damn good. I couldn’t stop myself from eating it. I overate and my stomach is killing me. My ankle was bothering me and I couldn’t stand being near my aunts and uncles so I left. I went to my room and watched a few episodes of Friends.

After the shows, I started feeling palpitations. Now I feel psychache and I want to die. I just don’t want to live anymore and am contemplating drinking gin. I just took my night time dose of pain meds. Alcohol would not be a great idea. I just want to feel numb. Drinking will do that. I have thought of going in the hospital. But I know my family needs me and it’s killing me. The next few days are going to be tough. I just don’t know if I can be there mentally. I am already stressed to the max.

My biggest fear about my father being home is that if he ends up being in pain, we can’t alleviate it because he can no longer swallow. His mouth is just too dry from the dehydration. He can barely spit his phlegm out. Then I worry about falls, either with my father or my sister transferring him. We don’t have a wheelchair so I don’t see how we are going to get him to the bathroom should he need to go. I know he isn’t eating or drinking and his kidneys are shot but he still needs to poop. And wheelchairs are expensive. My sister thinks that we can just get an ambulance to transport him home. I don’t think she realizes that is not how ambulances work and even if we did, we would have to pay for it and it could be at least $1000 or more. I just have a bad feeling about this and unfortunately, there are no other alternatives. We can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home.

I just don’t know what we are going to do. We know he doesn’t have that much longer but we can’t make it go any faster. I just feel awful. I am tired and I need to sleep but my worries are keeping me up. I never showered. I might do that tomorrow. I hope I sleep through the night. Last night I went to bed early and woke up around 0200. It just stinks having broken sleep on top of being depressed and grief stricken.

I am tired of fighting my suicidality. I want to give into it so badly. I want to get a life insurance policy so my family doesn’t have to worry about my funeral expenses. But suicide is usually excluded from policies or you might have to wait until the policy matures or something. I am actually kicking myself for living through my birthday because then I wouldn’t have to worry about my father dying and shit. I would be fucking dead. I’m going to drink and take some Ativan after I take my night meds. Fuck it, I don’t care anymore.

in another writing mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I have been thinking of cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist because I don’t want to bother her but I know that if I do, it will only worry her. She is trusting me a great deal by not sending me in the hospital. I hope I don’t let her down. I just wish I didn’t feel like such a burden to her. I also feel like I am bothering her too much by emailing her my pathetically sad life story.

My father is getting weaker as we speak. I haven’t seen him since Thursday night. I am going to try and see him tomorrow but the marathon is running so I am not sure I can go. My sister goofed up the babysitting schedule. I am to watch the little one on Tuesday. I should have gone in the hospital. But I have to be available for the idiot social worker to call me.

I am feeling very exhausted and over tired. I feel safe but I don’t. I liked it better when I was in the hospital ER waiting for the psychiatrist. Least then I didn’t have a care in the world. I could just focus on me getting better. But now I am home and I am feeling slightly suicidal and like I am in a mixed state because my brain is on fire and I have to get these words out before they burn a hole in my brain.

My father is dying and I have no clue how to deal with it. How do you deal with a dying parent? No one prepares you for this. Yes it is apart of life, but how can someone that was so mean to you and now that you don’t give a damn suddenly mean something to you? I am not saying he is my buddy, far from it. But I feel so helpless that there is nothing I can do to hasten or lessen the process of him dying. This is so hard for me to comprehend. Not seeing him the last few days have helped considerably for me to “forget” about him, like he isn’t a part of my life. But how will I feel when he is gone? Will it still feel like I “forgot” about him? Will it be like “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing? Except, when he goes, it will be forever. I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call him. Or swing by his house to do his meds.

My sister placed another task on my growing list of things to talk to the social worker about. I also need to talk to patient accounts and see when my father will run out of his insurance. I really hope he dies before he runs out. But my feeling is that it won’t happen. He is just too stubborn to die. I hate him for being stubborn. I don’t know why I care. He is my father. But to me he is a sperm donor for that was all he was good for. I have been thinking about what to write for the eulogy and all I can say is that he was a good dresser. That was all he cared about was looking good. He had no other endearing qualities. He only cared about himself. Hence why there is no will and testament. He isn’t going to leave us with nothing but his fancy clothes. Some legacy.

Saturday Blog 47

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 47

I have been feeling uneasy all day. I have been contemplating going to the ER for an eval, just for shits and giggles. But seriously, I just want to talk to someone neutral about what is going on and if I truly need to be in the hospital or just continue struggling as an outpatient. I was so torn that I decided to use a crisis hotline text chat to see if they could help. They gave me a support website for groups. I will check it out later. I felt better about talking with them about my father dying and it being hard to deal with. I also been talking about my suicidal urges that have been cropping up the last 24 hours. I just feel like I have to do something and I don’t know what that something is. Waiting for my father to die is not something I am looking forward to. I know it is going to happen but dammit. If I had a time frame, that would be fucking great. Like say he is going to die on x day at this time, then I can plan my hospitalization around that and things would be better. But life doesn’t work like that. I don’t even think my father knows he is dying because he is trying so hard to make it so he can go home. I don’t think he is going to go home, unless he doesn’t get state health care because we can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home at around $100/day.

I got some more Ensure because I was out. I still am not eating regularly. Coffee was my breakfast and a muffin with some fruit was my lunch. I have no idea if I am going to eat dinner. I have no appetite so an Ensure might be my dinner.

I don’t think my sister is going to visit my father today. She is already out and about doing things. She might be too tired to go. I don’t mind not going. I really find it hard seeing my father the way he is. Because his liver is damaged and is continuing to be, his body is producing ammonia more than usual. This is making him confused and sleepy. And he isn’t taking the medication used to bring the ammonia levels down because it’s a thick fluid and I think it tastes gross for him. I don’t know what it tastes like as I don’t have liver problems. Least I hope I never do.

The hard part for me is that I don’t think anybody has told my father that he is dying. I know my sisters haven’t told him and I am sure no medical professional has either. And what kills me is that they are giving him PT and OT to help him go back home when he is getting weaker and weaker. How is he supposed to go home when he is at risk for falling? Just getting him to the bathroom the other day was an ordeal. He almost fell backwards because he lost his balance while pulling up his pants. I just don’t get it. Then he was too tired to do anything else when we got him back to bed. Just changing him to his pajamas was tiring for him. And I think I am tired after taking a shower. The poor guy was ready to pass out he was so exhausted. It really killed me seeing him like this. And I know that it’s only going to get worse with time.

Because of his weakness and fatigue, I don’t think he will be a candidate for surgery for his other problem that he so desperately wants to take care of. And I think he might be dead before the appointment happens. I think I am the only one being the realist in the family about this. Sure we have made plans with the funeral home for his death but since we aren’t sure when he is going to die, it’s just putting more of a burden on us than we realize.

In the meantime, I am struggling with the black dog and suicidal feelings left and right. I know I should be in the hospital if anything for self-care, but I can’t take a chance that my father will die while I am there and it will just break my heart for that to happen. I want to be there when he dies, though I am still hoping he dies in his sleep.