I had a difficult night sleeping. I had a bad dream where my molester was at my house and I was accusing him of abuse, which he denied. Then he got so mad he tried to kill me. I woke up very scared and it took me a while to get back to sleep. I then had to pee and I must have been holding on to the pee longer than I thought because then my abdomen started hurting after I was empty. I managed to go back to sleep and slept till a little after 8. I used the bathroom again and it was the same thing. I was very full and my bladder hurt when I was empty. I didn’t drink that much during the time I was awake. I was careful not to. I took my morning meds when I came back to my room and then went back to sleep again. I woke up a little after 12 and I was so damn tired. I wanted to go to the grocery store to exchange a coffee but I fear the trip will wear me out too much so I don’t want to go.
I also have been having frozen moments where I feel like I can’t move. Like I am stuck. I don’t know if it a symptom of PTSD or a side effect of the medication I take. I got to talk to my psychiatrist about it when I see him on Tues. I also need to ask him if he would give me a 90 day supply of the Latuda as it is the most expensive medication that I take and it will a lot when I have to pay again next year. I got to budget my meds until I reach $300 deductible. I have six meds that I get at the retail pharmacy. The rest are mail order. If I can get the Latuda on mail order that would be good because it is $140 for 90 days.
I took a double dose of Miralax today because it has been days since I moved my bowels. I am getting so backed up. When I got up, I had two cups of coffee and sometimes that triggers me to go to the bathroom but lately it hasn’t done it. I will double dose until I go and then go back to regular dosing. I take this with Gatorade and it just seems like the stuff takes away the flavor and just leaves the sugary taste behind. That is all that I feel like I am drinking, sugar.
Usually after every shower, I take a selfie and post it. I do this so there is a record of when I last showered as I usually don’t remember. It has been five days since I last took one so I might end up taking one tonight before bed. I stopped shaving the back of my head and sides so I am just going to let it grow. Yesterday I was going to see my barber but I used the money to get the keys to the house as my mother didn’t have the full amount to pay for them. I canceled my appointment but will go sometime next week.
Shoulder is really hurting so when I went downstairs to put my dinner in the oven, I heated up the heat pack. It helped a little bit but caused my neck to hurt. So now when I go back downstairs, I need to put heat on my neck. I am making a beef pot pie for dinner and hope I don’t burn myself again. I have not had luck with these pies. The first one, I got a 2nd degree burn and the last one I made, I burned my finger. Think I got to wear oven mitts when taking the pie out of the oven and when I transfer it to a plate.
Groceries and more groceries
I had my groceries delivered today. I ordered a lot of Gatorade and Powerade to last me for the month. Every month my mother asks me why I buy so much and I tell her it is my monthly supply. I brought up all the bags except for my cereal. I totally forgot they were there until I came home from the pharmacy and saw them there. There are like ~7 bags left to bring up to my room. I have been doing it by myself, which is taking me some time because I have to take breaks. My arm is so damn sore but it is a good sore not a bad one.
I sent my therapist a message last night about how I was suicidal but I was too tired to kill myself. I said I was pathetic. She responded and said that I wasn’t pathetic. I need to address the pain. I asked how and she said by talking about it and using coping skills. I hate coping skills. It is just this broad umbrella of things. It is like saying you need a screwdriver for the screw you want to tighten but you have so many damn screwdrivers you don’t know which one to use. It is really frustrating. And when you are already upset and looking for something to soothe you, you want something right now that will work not something that will frustrate you more.
I ordered my glasses and will file a claim with my insurance company so I can get reimbursed. Hope it isn’t a hassle. I have not done this before. They should be shipping out soon. I just hope the frames fit me. I ordered a small so we’ll see. Friday I need to start the process of changing my bedding because I spilled Gatorade on my blanket and sheets last night. I grabbed the bottle a little too tightly and it spilled. Most of it got on me so I had to change my shirt.
I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder because of lifting all the bottles of Gatorade and Powerade I bought. I don’t think I can lift the remaining bags tonight. I still haven’t changed back into my PJs from when I left for the pharmacy. I might keep on the thermal socks. It is supposed to snow tonight. I hope all the snowing happens tonight and not in the morning. We aren’t supposed to get that much, only an inch or so but walking in it can be yucky. I rescheduled my appointment with my PT for tomorrow morning. I hope I sleep tonight or getting up is going to be difficult. I also scheduled an appointment with OT for January. I thought it was for pelvic floor but it is for cathing. It is with the same OT I saw last year.
I think I am going to have to double dose the Miralax as the new meds are really constipating me. And because I mostly stand when I cath, I am not using the same muscles to poop. I was able to crap a little today but it wasn’t enough. My stomach feels so awful.
I have three updates and need to restart my laptop. I just installed Win 11. It is okay so far. All my programs seem to be running okay. Tomorrow in between appointments I will be going to see a locksmith about getting some keys made for the screen door that was just put on. It is an odd shaped key so I hope they can do it. I don’t know who else will be able to do it.
Not sleeping due to pain
Yesterday I was in bed all day sleeping. I was expecting to wake up around 1am feeling ready to go but the only thing ready to go this time around was my bladder. My arm was sore but after I woke up and used the bathroom it felt better. I didn’t stay awake too long. I just looked at my messages and then went back to sleep. I woke up again around 4 in mega pain this time. My arm and shoulder were hurting so bad. I sat up to try and alleviate some of the pain. I didn’t want to take anything because usually moving it helps to ease the pain. I did take some ibuprofen. I was hungry but I didn’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I thought about making coffee but it was really early. Pain settled down enough so I laid back down and slept for another hour or two until my med alarm went off. I shut it off but I didn’t take my meds. I just rested till around 10 when I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I used the bathroom and then made coffee.
I was hungry but I didn’t know what I wanted to make. It was either cheesy scrambled eggs or a bacon sandwich. I took my meds and thoughts it over. I decided to make bacon as that would require less movement. I also made another cup of coffee.
I had therapy today and was all over the place with talking about my BFF’s situation and how I felt about it and losing my second mother. I was more emotional as I talked about it. I almost started crying. My arm was throbbing as I finished my third cup of coffee. I told her my Thanksgiving plans and how much I was looking forward to the turkey and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite holiday. She asked what self-care I planned on using during this time. I said I would shower more and color. I told her I have been reading more than coloring. I also was writing to get things out. I told her I had support on Twitter which has developed over the past six months or so.
I told my mother I would make dinner tonight but after my shower my arm flared up big time and I am in agony. I told her I couldn’t cook. Now I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner. I might have a bowl of cereal. I bought Oreo cereal and it is pretty good. It is all I ate yesterday. One bowl of cereal for the entire day. It is all I wanted to eat. I haven’t been having more than one meal a day for the past couple of weeks. I am just not hungry. But today I will be having two meals as the cereal will be my second meal of the day. I might have cookies to top it off.
Saturday Blog 06112021
Today I am dealing with an influx of junk mail being filtered to my inbox rather than junk mail folder. I must have gotten at least a half dozen notifications today so far that are junk. I don’t know what is the problem. I sent a message to outlook hoping to find a reason. It’s jut ridiculous. The emails are all bogus. But I think I got a handle on it as most of the emails are from the same domain.
I sort of woke up when my med alarm went off at 0830. I made the mistake of falling back to sleep and now I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I only woke up once during the night and that was to go pee. I hope when I go for my test next week that it records the urge sensation when I am cathing. It is so uncomfortable to be going about my business cathing and then get an uncontrollable urge to pee. Sometimes my stream becomes stronger and then urine goes everywhere. It is messy and I hate it.
I had a cup of coffee and I might have a second cup soon as I am so fricken tired. I think I am going to heat up the chicken pot pie that I have for lunch. I haven’t really eaten anything today. My mother made zucchini and had a little of that but it was wicked salty.
Ohio State and Nebraska are playing each other in college football. Every year they play each other and every year I am conflicted who to root for because they are my favorite teams. OSU is beating the Huskers right now. I think OSU is going to beat them, again. Nebraska has been holding up some good defense though. It is a close game right now. And OSU wins 26-17!
My damn shoulder is killing me today. I put heat on my ribs as the muscles are sore. My bicep keeps throbbing along with my wrist/forearm. I can’t wait till I see the doc on Monday and they decide what they are going to do. I hope I can delay PT for a few weeks until I get my back PT in. I don’t think I need the full six weeks as usually one to three dry needle sessions is all I need. I start PT on Tues. It is with the same PT that I had earlier this year. She is good and I like her style.
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