Tag: mood disorders

an injustice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been up for the past hour or so. I am in pain and I am not happy about it. It’s raining cats and dogs so I probably won’t go out. It still is muggy though so I have the AC running. I wonder if the rain is what is causing my good ankle to be so sore. I really need to eat something so I can take my NSAID. Hopefully that will help this pain.

While I was up, I read my Twitter feed and a friend posted an article about how a young man died in jail while waiting for a psych bed at the state mental hospital where he was ordered. Cause of death is unknown at this time, but it is not a suicide or homicide. The man was very sick. He had stopped eating, was covered in his own filth as some psych patients get when they are untreated. I find it hard to believe that the people who run the jail didn’t notice his demise and didn’t do anything to get this man the help he so desperately needed. According to the article and the buzz around Twitter, jails are becoming warehouses for the mentally ill because there are no psych beds available. It is sad that they keep on making more jails than psych wards. And what is even more staggering, is they keep closing units left and right. In my own community when I first moved here, there was a mental hospital and three psych units at the local hospital (2 adults and one for kids). Now there is just one adult unit and that is it. The hospital closed because of budget cuts and so did the other units. That is just in my area. I am sure that is the case in other communities as well. Let’s cut the psych unit before all others because who cares about the patients. And now they are wondering why there is a mental health crisis. Good lord.

It bothers me that this young man died all because he was in jail and didn’t get the care that he needed. Course, jail isn’t for folks like him. They do belong in a psych ward but why did no one visit him? Why didn’t his lawyer check up on him? All these questions and no answers. And you know the jail is going to be covering their ass in this day and age when the system is under fire. The guy didn’t do anything wrong, really. He stole $5 worth of snacks and got a death sentence in return. Just doesn’t seem right for a misdemeanor. $5 and within something like 50 days, he was dead. Just so wrong, very wrong.

I don’t know what I am going to do today. I wish my day didn’t start so damn early. If my mother goes to my aunt’s, maybe I will watch the season finale of CSI. I recorded it but haven’t watched it yet, like many of my shows. I still haven’t finished watching Rizzoli and Isles episodes. Though I think I didn’t record a couple because Maura’s father hasn’t been introduced yet. He was played by David Ogden Styers. He also played in M*A*S*H as Winchester. He is a wonderful actor. I could have a M*A*S*H marathon. I had bought the whole DVD collection because it was on sale at Best Buy. It’s one of my favorite comedy shows. I love Hawkeye and Frank. They are so funny. I really missed Frank when he left the show.

I have therapy later this afternoon. I hope no one calls me like they did yesterday. My mother called and then someone else did too. The one time I am on the phone, everyone decides to call me. My phone is silent the rest of the day. I just don’t get it. I think I have figured out a way to see her at least once a month, in person. I just hope it works. Otherwise, I am back to just the phone and not seeing her at all. If it does work, then I won’t have to change my father’s doctor either.

I hope to get some reading done today. I still have not finished the Harry Potter book, yet. I realized it’s because I really hate one of the characters in the book and can’t stand reading about how mean she is and a bully, though she tries to play it off like she is wonderful and kind. It’s not my favorite book because I know what happens in the end and I don’t like it. I guess that is another reason I haven’t finished it. I am half way through and soon as I am done with HP, I plan on reading about the Lusitania. I really should finish “American Gods” but that book is very creepy. It’s one of Neil Gaiman’s books. I didn’t realize he wrote so many books. He is a brilliant writer.

frustrating therapy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I am in a little less pain today than I was last night. This could change as the night progresses. I have been up and down the stairs today, not a lot but enough to possibly set off my ankle. There is supposed to be rain today but it’s partly cloudy and very humid out. I am glad I didn’t take my AC out last week when it was cool. We always have an Indian summer and the weather stays fair until November. I usually don’t have the AC going in October but it usually stays in until I can clear a path for my brother in law to take it out.

I had therapy today and we talked about my anxiety coming up with my anniversary. She said that it is creating a something to do with PTSD. I forget the word she used. Half way through session, I wanted to stop talking. I just didn’t want to talk anymore about anything. She kept on asking about Hyde and my suicidality, the depression, and about my pain. We talked about that for a bit as pain has really brought me down. I just feel useless because if I do anything, it brings me pain. If I don’t do anything, it brings me pain. How can I win at this game? How am I supposed to live? I am so tired of living with the depression and being in chronic physical pain. I don’t think she gets it. And I am too tired to try and make her understand. I know dealing with chronic pain isn’t her thing and she has had to learn off the fly what it’s like, but sometimes I just want her to listen and not say anything when I complain about being in pain. She can’t do anything for me but be there and that is all I am asking her to do. I’m the one stuck with this bullshit not her. Only thing I can do is fucking text her in the middle of the night because the pain is driving me crazy. Used to be that I texted her my darkness. Now I just want to die because I can’t stand the pain anymore, and everything that goes with it.

She asked about my writing and I cringed. I told her I am just blogging right now. I can’t seem to get my head in gear to do anything else. I am just tired of trying to write something and coming up empty. I have been trying to add on to Haylor but no can do. And it bugs me because the words are there but I can’t get them out. It is so frustrating.

I haven’t done anything today. I wanted to go to the liquor store to get some wine but haven’t the inkling to get dressed and go. I just want to stay in my room, with the AC, and keep my foot up. I slept after my therapy appointment. So much for the coffee keeping me up. I had the Brazil Sertraozinho today. It was very good. Today is National Coffee day. My aunt told me that Dunkins was giving out free coffee today. I’ll stick with my good stuff, thank you. They are only good for donuts, least to me anyway. I really want some Chinese food, the good greasy kind. It’s too bad my favorite place closed down. Now I have limited to no options. There is one place I get General Gau from but that is the only thing good there. Their fried rice isn’t so great and their Lo Mein sucks. Maybe I will get some on Thursday when I have to head into town. I’ll go to the train station and get it there. It’s pretty good and cheap.

ARGH, Another Pain Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

ARGH, another pain day

I woke up this morning and I was fine. I made a phone call to my PCP to find out if my prescription was ready to be picked up and it was. So I set out to go into town and get it. I was feeling okay, not 100%. I am never 100% but felt good enough to venture out. I really wanted to stay home and relax but I wanted my Hawaiian coffee. I stayed at Starbucks for about an hour before heading to town. By the time I finished walking to the PCP’s office and back to the train station, my ankle started up on me. I just missed the 1230 bus so would have to catch the 1330 bus, which meant having to wait a half hour at the station. I was feeling really worn out and just wanted to go home but I wanted to fill the prescription and then not have to go out tomorrow. So as I was waiting in line at the pharmacy counter, my ankle had enough. It screamed and I almost gave out a little yell. I couldn’t believe it. It has never done this before. Luckily, I was called next, then sat to wait for the script. I was grateful to sit down a bit or I would be crying.

I had tweeted Walgreens over the weekend to say I was upset with their customer care. They got the details and while I was at Starbucks, the manager called to apologize. She agreed someone should have called me to tell me what was going on with my prescription (Zofran). She apologized and said that she would call me back when the issue was taken cared of. Apparently, because their system was down, my insurance thought I picked it up and then was trying to refill it so it wouldn’t go through again. They had to cancel out the transaction to let me have my meds. It was complicated and then three hours later when I went to pick it up, it still wasn’t ready. So glad I didn’t go when she said it would be fifteen minutes! In the end, it helps to complain to upper management to get things done. I know some people have problems with the alerts and I keep getting refill reminders more than I get prescription ready alerts. It helps to also have Twitter as a go to for getting customer care. I seriously doubt I would have the meds ready when I came if the manager hadn’t called me this morning. I would have had to wait longer for them to figure the damn thing out and I would again be out of my meds for possibly another day. There would be no way I would be able to wait longer than 15 minutes anyway. My bladder was telling me it was time to go home and my ankle was already crying. It needed to be put up, like it is now. I desperately needed to take a pain med so needed to come home as soon as possible.

I am glad I didn’t buy the Hawaiian coffee because I don’t like it hot. I would have to make it iced and I am just not that talented. I was able to get my Brazil Sertaozinho today. I can’t wait to make that coffee tomorrow. It’s like milk chocolate in a coffee cup. I have had that iced and hot and enjoy it. It’s probably the only thing that I enjoy right now. My mother was confused as to why I bought another bag of coffee. I told her it was different flavors. Really, they are just different places where the coffee is produced. I forget where my Kati Kati is made, but I still have that, household blend, and soon will have Pike’s Place. I am not going to get Pike’s grounded until I am done with the household blend. I have a quarter of a bag left.

I am not planning on doing anything today. I do have to eat something as I really didn’t have breakfast or lunch today. I had a ring ding this morning but I don’t think that counts as breakfast. I am totally wiped so I need to rest a bit before I try and make myself something to eat. While at Walgreens I was able to get some shredded cheese so I can use it for my burrito. I might make eggs. Or I might make a turkey sandwich. I just remembered I bought some turkey breast with my online grocery order. I am so glad I can order groceries online. It is so convenient and doesn’t hurt me. I can order them and have them delivered and I don’t have to carry the bags up the stairs. I just have to put them away. I won’t order eggs again, however. I had to get a credit because two eggs were broken out of the dozen and a half that I ordered. It was something that I feared would happen.

I tried getting a hold of my therapist today but she must be really busy as she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. Now that it’s late in the afternoon, I don’t think she will. I am just feeling really out of sorts and depressed. This pain is really throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I have made it go away, it flares up on me again. It is really bringing me down. I am not suicidal but I wish someone would take me out of my misery. I can’t stand being in pain every day. You would think that I would be used to it by now but it’s not something you ever get used to. Today I went out and did a few things but tomorrow I will have to rest. I might have to rest Wednesday too because Thursday is going to be a long day. I have to deal with my father and then I have my pdoc appointment in the afternoon. I haven’t quite decided how I am going to get to the red line as my father is on the orange. I will have to time it right to get to where I need to go, which means more walking and traveling. I don’t know if my ankle is up for the task. It kills me that I can’t do things every day like “normal” people do. I will have the Friday and the weekend to recover but I don’t know if my mental health will. I am just getting really annoyed that this pain hasn’t let up despite rest and pain meds. Or it has and then soon as I am a little bit active, I am in agony all over again. I am glad I have the energy to do things but paying for the efforts just isn’t fun. It outright, just sucks.

Foggy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Both my games won today. Sox and Patriots won. I am glad. I am, however, sad that one of the announcers at NESN had his last game at Fenway. The stupid network fired him without just cause. He will finish out the remainder of the season and then be gone. I heard that San Diego is looking at him. I don’t want him to go because he made watching baseball fun. Now I am stuck listening to the radio for next season. Maybe I will watch the new guy but I really want to boycott the station in protest. I could be a real ass and just cancel the network, but that wouldn’t be fair as we would have just basic channels and my mother would probably kill me. She wouldn’t have her Hallmark channel or the other ones that she likes to watch anymore. What was really shitty was that the Red Sox had a tribute to the guy and the network didn’t air it. What assholes.

I was in a fog most of the day and then I watched my games. I totally forgot to call Walgreens to find out about my prescription. But I put in the order for it to be “refilled” so maybe things will be working okay by tomorrow. I am really surprised they didn’t call me and tell me there was a problem. If there is a problem, I am still going to tweet Walgreens and complain. There should be no good reason why they can’t fill my prescription as I have had it before. It’s not new. I am not allergic to it. There are no interactions (that I know of) with my other medications. I just find this so frustrating. Least call like they said they would. That is the other thing that pissed me off. Why bother telling someone they are going to call you and then don’t do it? I should just complain about that. Take that for being a dumbass. Or at least call and tell me the problem is a computer thing and won’t be fixed until such and such a date. I am so annoyed. If I didn’t need the medicine, I wouldn’t care. They could take their blessed time but I am close to running out and I hate not having my meds. It just creates anxiety for me.

I didn’t make coffee today. By the time I thought about it, it was too late in the afternoon. I made breakfast and then decided to make coffee after my nap but I overslept and then the games were on. I really need to shower tonight. I was going to this morning but I was just so sleepy. I didn’t go to bed till around 0300 and then I woke up around 0600 and been playing sleep catch up ever since. I took some Neurontin last night to help with the bloody pain and that was why I was so hung over today. Lack of sleep and Neurontin doesn’t mix well. It took me so long to make pancakes this morning. I kept having to go over the ingredients over and over to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Then after I mixed it, I had to lie down. I just let the mixture sit for about a half hour. I guess it was a good thing because the pancakes were nice and fluffy which they never were before. So now I have a secret way of making the pancakes fluffy.

My pain levels are minimal today. I think the Neurontin helped to shut things down. I will have to remember to keep this in mind when I have my next flare up next month around this time. It seems I have been having flare ups the same time every month. It can go on for weeks. Like I explained in my last blog, it’s sometimes difficult to ascertain whether I am experiencing nerve pain or physical pain. Usually my pain meds takes care of my pain and then I am fine. But when it doesn’t work, I have to find an alternative. I am glad I have the Neurontin as it can help tremendously. Only thing that sucks is the hangover part and the fog. I have to sleep off the medication otherwise, I am sleepy all day. And then I have to deal with incessant hunger cravings. Today wasn’t so bad. I had three meals today plus a snack so I think I am good. I had a big piece of steak for dinner so I am hoping I won’t have any other food cravings for the rest of the night.

I still don’t know what causes the flare ups. This time it seemed to have been caused by zaps. Zaps are electric shock type of pain that runs through my foot. I usually just get it on my big toe in my bad foot, but lately, the zaps have been all over my foot. I think it’s because I am still numb and the nerves are trying to fire to make connections again that I feel this type of pain. But they usually don’t last too long. This round, they lasted at least six hours. I was very sore the next day. I thought it was over but the soreness never left and neither did the pain left behind. I am just glad the pain is gone now because I don’t think I can stand another night of being in pain. I hope it doesn’t return tonight because it just makes me really depressed.