Tag: psych hospital

Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Nervous

My idiot therapist wanted me to send my pdoc the blog I wrote yesterday (Dreary Day). Well I sent it to her forgetting that I wasn’t taking my meds. Now I know my pdoc is going to be mad at me because I didn’t tell her first. I am in so much trouble and this was the last thing I needed right now. She is probably going to recommend a psych admission and I am not going to be for it. There is a holiday coming up so there is no way I am going in to do nothing for four days. I can do that at home. Plus I am out of my pain meds. God this sucks. I am running low on my anti psychotic and I am out of my pain meds until Monday when I see my PCP. I feel like I am going crazy.

I took some extra meds to sleep because my toes are on fire and hurt really bad. I took a couple of Neurontin pills and a couple of Ativan. I should be asleep but this nervousness is keeping me awake. I just put some gel on my toes to quiet them down some or I am not getting any sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

I am such an idiot. I don’t know why I sent her that blog. I would have been enough with what I said about thinking of killing myself every day and not caring. I didn’t have to send her the blog. Maybe she didn’t read the blog and I am ok. But my stats show there has been activity on the blog so someone has been reading it. I wish I could track down who reads it, like the location or something but I am not good at that stuff. Gel seems to be working on my toes. Soon as it dries, I am going to sleep. It is going to be a rough few days without taking any pain meds. I hope I can survive. I have never run out before. I do have my really strong meds if I need them. But I don’t want to take it for my “moderate” pain. I will if it gets to be to much. I just hate being in pain and I know this is going to drive up my suicidality.
Bozo, though I have fired her multiple times today, still thinks she is my therapist. She doesn’t want to leave me the hell alone. I would tell my Pdoc off but I am too afraid that she will send the police after me if I do. Bozo has threatened but never has done so. As much as I feel suicidal, I still feel ok to go about my business as usual. No one but my therapist and now my pdoc knows I am suicidal. I like it that way. It gives me freedom to plan my death. I really don’t know what I will do. I thought of OD’g but that is messy. There are so many ways to die but it is so hard to kill the human body. I know, I have tried several times and failed. I am a suicide attempt survivor, what ever that means. It is a relatively new term. I have been using it as a hashtag on twitter when I try and promote my book. I want to die so badly yet I don’t know how and that is frustrating me. I feel like I did when I was a kid and couldn’t figure out how to die. It is so maddening. I have an arsenal of meds at my disposal. Anyone can really do me some harm but I don’t want to do it in my house.

I guess I will talk to the fired therapist tomorrow and see what she has to say about the pdoc knowing about my stupid plan of stretching out my anti-psychotic med. She is not going to be happy with me and I don’t blame her. I just hope she doesn’t section me. Section means that a mental health professional involuntarily hospitalizes you for up to 72 hours at a mental health facility for evaluation. My evaluation would be delayed because of the stupid holiday and I won’t have privileges like to use my headphones or charge my phone. And that will suck. I don’t want to go to the hospital to be babysat. I can be fine at home. I just won’t go out so that I am not tempted to jump in front of moving vehicles or trains. I can be safe with my meds because I don’t want my niece to find me or my mother.

It is so difficult to explain to someone all this. You want the help but at the same time you know that it is useless. It is just so tiring. OMG I don’t believe the baseball game. 16-9. It’s like a football score! Dear holy crist! Thank god I wasn’t watching it. I just kept getting score updates. And I was cursing with every run the Cubs made. Bad time to be a Red Sox fan. They are drowning like I am. But no one sees it. No one sees the struggle I go through every day. Just to take a shower is a hassle. I have to be next to no pain for me to stand 10 mins in the shower. Then quickly dry off and maybe take a nap afterwards because it wore me out. Lately this hasn’t happened but I do get tired and more pain during the day after I push myself. No one understands chronic pain except another person with chronic pain. They know that you have to have rest days in between or you are fucked. That was why I was tied up for three weeks. I couldn’t have a rest day in between and I kept going. I paid for it dearly but not being able to bear weight on my leg for almost three days. It got so bad I thought I would have to go to the ER. But then I remembered I had strong pain pills and that helped greatly. It helped me rest and re-coop.

boat scenario

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I had a sleepy day today. I took my mood stabilizer to try and get me out of this pit I am in. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house today. I wanted to get a coffee and work on my next book but it doesn’t look like that is happening.

I got rudely awakened a little after 8 this morning. It was a collector and I was not happy. I should have yelled at them but I was half way between awake and dream land so it would not have been good to talk to anyone in that state. I still am having bad dreams. My therapist can’t figure it out. I have decided not to take abilify this week. And now she is freaking out because she knows what that does to me. But I can’t afford it this month. I will take it like every few days and see if that helps. I am not psychotic right now so that is good. Probably because I am so sleepy. I am going to try and stay up to watch the Sox game but no guarantees on that.

I canceled my PCP appointment for tomorrow. I just can’t see him right now. I know I should but there is no point as my symptoms are better. I just have my pdoc appointment this week, which I will keep. I still don’t know what the point of keeping the appointment is but whatever.

I had therapy today and we talked about a therapist’s letter to a suicidal person. It started off open and caring yet toward the end it felt like it was demanding and off. It was really weird. I have highlighted it for you to see. My therapist thinks I should write a response blog to it. HA yea right. What am I going to say? You want to know my suicidality yet I know you will panic if I don’t go along with what you say? Or are we in this boat together? One of my therapist used a boat scenario with me. She had me swimming around the boat and her trying to pull me in but I just never could get in because I couldn’t trust her. She never jumped in after me. So we were always separated by things like trust. I would rather drown than trust her and she would just watch. Not a good feeling when you are in crisis. And of course with that therapist, I always ended up in the ER with my suicidal thoughts. So much for not panicking.

I have had a lot of therapists over the years, before I saw my current one. There were lots of reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. None of them had to do with suicide. Most of them had to do with life choices. A marriage, life change, budget cuts, residency ending and the like. Some therapists I fired because they were too stupid to understand that I was suicidal. I had this one therapist, a psych resident. I told him I wanted to get a bottle of pills to kill myself. He then asked if I was suicidal. Nope, just want the pills for a joy ride, WTF, seriously??? What part of I am going to kill myself does not translate into being suicidal???? I dumped him and then found another jackass. I thought she would be the “one” as she has been in the business for years. That all ended the time I was upset about a fight my sister and I had. Instead of dealing with me, she wanted to know about the social status of my sister. Yup, here is your sign, you are fired! The weird thing was is that she said I would never be able to find another therapist, that she wouldn’t refer me to anyone because we still had “work to do”. Well you ain’t doing it with me lady. I don’t remember if we ever talked about being suicidal. I don’t know that I ever left my guard down enough to let her in. She was already therapist number 8 or 9. I have had seen 12 therapists since 1991, thirteen if you count the really freaking guy that kept sweating whenever I brought up being suicidal.

As much as my current therapist bugs me, we are a good fit. I taught her some stuff and she taught me some stuff. It’s always been an open relationship, though it was tough in the beginning. She never hospitalized me though, all throughout my treatment with her. We mutually agreed on going in the hospital. And we have been together for 13 years now. Ultimately, the decision for the hospital was mine. I knew what to say to get me out and I knew what to say to get in. I know the rules have changed some since the first time I went in. It’s a lot tougher to stay in than to get out. Hospitals don’t like to keep you now a days, even if you have good insurance. But I think if you make an attempt, you stay longer than if you didn’t.

finding care in the off hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Last night I was in the throws of pain again. But my thoughts didn’t immediately turn to darkness Like they normally do. I wrote an email to my pdoc about what has transpired during the week and that I haven’t been faithful in taking the increase in my mood stabilizer for reasons beyond my control. Mostly because I have been driving and I don’t want to be drowsy behind the wheel. I also asked her if there was a hotline number she knew of to call in times of distress. She gave me one.

This all lead me to thinking maybe I should have a blog about this important issue…finding care during the off hours. For most people in therapy, when they are in distress after hours their and before their next session is to seek help in the local ER. This can be costly, as copays have more than doubled to deter such visits. But for mental health, there should be an exception made as there is really no other place to go while in distress. I understand that the cost is higher because care is more urgent and is most likely is trying to ward off unnecessary visits. But when you are in crisis, how can that be unnecessary? For the mental health field, there are no urgent care centers to go to in distress. It’s either you see your therapist or go to the ER (Emergency room). There is no in between. SO what are you supposed to do when you are somewhat distressed and cannot wait till your next visit with your therapist?

There are self-soothing measures. You take a bath/shower, read, journal, brush your hair for 100 strokes, eat something, etc. But when all is said and done, and you still feel terrible, then what? Most therapists have some kind of plan in place, or should be able to give you a hotline number such as Lifeline 1800-273-8255 (US only) or the national hotline number 1800-784-2433 (US only). I have tried calling the Lifeline hotline but have never been patient enough to wait to get transferred to someone. The other number I have not tried. There is also a text # 20121 and you text 121help. I don’t know where I got that number from but when I tried it the other day, it didn’t work. I never got connected to anyone, but that might be because of the hour.

There are chat groups, I am told, where you can discuss suicidal feelings and not be “punished/banned” or turned away. Unfortunately, I do not have that URL to share as I have not looked into that chat room. But when you are in distress, are you really going to google something??

There is something called a Crisis Response Plan that I sometimes use when I am in distress. UNfortnately, the last few times I have been in distress, all of the self-help went out the window and I didn’t use anything. I just ruminated about what I was going to do. It’s not perfect trying to save your life when you feel like ending it. I was not in the frame of mind to seek help.

Therapists think that a suicidal person always calls for help when in crisis and that simply is not true. Most clients become impulsive, wants to get rid of the negative feelings NOW and are in my experience, not likely to reach for help.

For me, writing has helped but not everyone has that option to them. I will blog my distress and might be fortunate to have a few bloggers comment to show support or to chat. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Most of the it’s hit or miss. My frequent blog readers might not be online at the time of my post and so not get it.

Sunday I participated in a chat that was for crisis intervention and I learned that there was a crisis text chat available. The intervention was either through chat or text message. I am going to looking into using this the next time I am in distress or when my mood goes south. It’s not always easy to think of these thing when your mind is thinking of ending your life. To use a DBT term, you just cannot tolerate the distress because it is unbearable.

I have been trying to identify when I am in distress so that I can reach out for help but it’s not so easy. The last few time I have used distraction or music to help me out of the intolerable feelings. I also will write in my blog or my journal but it seems like all bets are off if I am in intolerable physical pain. Chronic pain mixed in with getting my menses and dealing with it has been difficult this past two weeks. The waiting for pain medication to kick in is sometimes not fast enough to deal with mentally.

I wish there was some help I could have regarding physical pain and lethality but there are few pain specialists that deal with mental health issues and fewer still, psychologists that deal with pain issues. Even crisis help lines don’t know hot to deal with physical pain that is behind suicidal ideation. In a perfect world, you would like to see someone that is well rounded in chronic health issues and suicidality. Unfortunately, I don’t think they exist or they may just be too far and in between to help the greater good.

When I was being evaluated at my local pain clinic, I saw a pain psychologist. His job was to help me deal with pain. But he didn’t offer me an real advise the first time meeting him. I would have to set up a series of sessions with him but unfortunately this happened when I lost my car and he is too far out to see. If I saw him with public transportation, it would be a two hour commute, both ways.

The hardest part of being alone with your thoughts is that you are left to your own devices before the next session or when office hours are available. I wish there could be urgent care centers that are specific to mental health issues. Because not all crisis needs to result in a hospitalization. Sometimes just talking with an understanding person is the best treatment mental health professionals can provide.

Sleepy Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I have been sleeping on and off all day. I think the increase in my mood stabilizer is causing me to feel really tired. Only thing that I have done today is go pick up my prescription. I am planning on taking a much needed shower but haven’t worked up enough energy yet. Funny how I don’t do anything and I run out of spoons so quick.

I still have been procrastinating this paper that is floating around in my head. The reason why I have been putting it off is because I know it is not going to be a long paper. It might be a page or a little more, if I stretch it out. I know I am going to write more about what I know than what I don’t.

Today was pretty warm and we are currently having thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms. I used to walk in them when I was able to walk. I miss walking in the rain. I really miss walking. People take it for granted until they have an injury. I have a permanent injury and I doubt I ever will be able to walk more than a few blocks when I used to be able to walk miles.

I really hate being this tired. I know part of it is the depression. I even lost interest of being on the computer. I go on but I don’t do anything. I scroll on FB but I hardly click on my game rewards. My neighbors are not doing the same missions as I am. I have gotten so behind because I really just play once a day. Some days I don’t even do that. I have lost interest in so many things. I hardly read the books that I have started. I tried going back to “Far From The Tree” but it doesn’t hold my interest for long. I think if I am still this way in June, I’ll go to the hospital like my psychiatrist wants. Maybe it will snap me out of this funk.

The first openly gay player in football has been drafted by the Rams. I wonder how that is going to go. One of my friends from high school predicted he would be 254 and he was really selected as 249.

One of my favorite players from the Nebraska Huskers got picked to the NY Jets. Too bad he is playing for a sucky team. He is such a good player.