Tag: psychache

Regarding my Quotes of the Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Quotes, suicide

Regarding my Quotes of the Day

I have finished with Suicide as Psychache. I can’t seem to find any other useful quotes. I am going to try Definition of Suicide next. Until then, I have quoted Kay Redfield Jamison. She is a wonderful writer.

I honestly didn’t think I would run out of Shneidman stuff. I know more is out there, I just have to find it. But if you like something else, please let me know and I will quote that.

 

Regarding my suicidal career

I have been feeling like I should write a suicide note. I don’t know why this popped into my head tonight. I have been really struggling with suicide the past few days. I have a suicidogenic mother. She just brings it out in me. Tonight she called me “dear”. Last night she was calling me a lazy ass and tonight I am a dear? I know she was being sarcastic. She didn’t mean it. Neither parent ever means what they say so how am I supposed to believe them?

I sometimes don’t trust what my sister says either. I am not an emotional person. I just feel cut off from my feelings sometimes. Other times I am just so depressed I can’t do anything. I feel suicidal and that is all that I will feel. I don’t feel angry, I feel hurt most of the time.

I have been avoiding Twitter tonight because I am TiVo’g the American Music Awards and I don’t want to hear about it until I watch it. It’s so hard not being on Twitter. I would so love to tweet some more lyrics of Eric Church.

I am struggling with my suicidality. It would be so easy to die right now. And no one would know until the morning. But I don’t know how to kill myself. That is the whole fucking problem. I don’t have a gun or a high place. I don’t even have a beam to hang myself from. And you can’t die by wishing it. I tried that many a times and I am still here. I feel embarrassed that I told my cousins that I was poor. I don’t know why I told them that. It just came up and I blurted it out without thinking. Now they think whatever they think of me. They probably think I am a loser. That is bothering me, too. I feel like such a jerk. I really want to drink my problems away but I know that won’t help. Plus I just took my pain medication so that wouldn’t be a great idea. My therapist would have a cow if I drank and had my pain meds. She nearly had a coronary the last time I drank and took the meds. All it was, was two pain pills and a shot or two of gin. I didn’t even get drunk. I just slept really good. I don’t think I took my night meds. Tonight I took my night meds so no drinking. I hate that I am so strict with myself about alcohol. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would love some honey whiskey. I have decided that for my birthday I am having 4 shots of whiskey, one for each decade I am alive, that is if I am still around. Tomorrow will mark one month till D-Day. I am so disgusted with myself for living this long. I never wanted to be an adult. I just really hate myself.

My cousin called me tonight. Left me a message saying where am I, how am I doing, the usual bullshit I hear from him when he doesn’t call me every night. He wants me to call him in the morning. HA, I had to laugh. He won’t be up. He is the one that is healthy but has bipolar disorder. He also is the one that calls me when my mother has groceries. I don’t like talking with him because he never understands the depth of my depressions. He doesn’t get suicidal with his depressions. He just barely functions (according to him) but he does the shopping with my mother and my aunt. He takes care of himself pretty good. Better than I do. I barely left the bed today. Only time I left my room today was to make something to eat or to have dinner with my mother. I didn’t even pee that much today because I haven’t been drinking any fluids. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is always orange. I have no thirst. I am past that. Sometimes I will get thirsty but it’s rare. I bought some orangata by San Pellangrino. I like it. Maybe it will help my dehydration. My grocery bill is over $200. I bought a lot of oatmeal and pancake stuff. I like getting the big stuff because I make a lot of oatmeal pancakes. I also like the simply orange juice and juice isn’t cheap anymore. My mother won’t buy it because it’s more than $3. I also bought a 9×13 pan that was on sale. But those pans are hard to find so I hope it doesn’t crack. It’s a pyrex dish with a cover. I bought it to make my brownies for my birthday. I figure I might as well have what I want for my birthday and this year I want a brownie cake with cool whip and cherries on top. All my mother has to do is mix it and put it in the pan. She also needs to buy the cool whip. I don’t know how long it stays so I figure when it gets closer to my day, she can get it. This is if I make it to my birthday.

Quote of the day 22 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicide

The main point of working with a lethally oriented person-in the give and take of talk, the advice, the interpretations, the listening-is to increase that individual’s psychological sense of possible choices and sense of being emotionally supported.-Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Addicted to Mr. Misunderstood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Addicted to Mr. Misunderstood

Since buying Eric Church’s latest album, I have been listening to it nonstop. The harmonies and lyrics just resonate with me. While I was driving down to see my cousin today and especially while driving back, I was jonesing for the music. It was the first time that I ever wanted to listen to my music over the radio. It’s been a week and I am getting used to the songs and they run through my head and I will have to listen to a song.

My meet up with my cousins went well. We had a good time. I really didn’t want to leave but it was getting late and the traffic was bad. They had a football and hockey game today so there was a lot of traffic. Once we passed the city, it was smooth sailing. My cousin gave me some stuff of my Godfather’s. It was nice of her to give me his school yearbook and other little things. She even gave me my favorite cookies that I like. She doesn’t help my diet. I told her I am just a cookie monster when it comes to cookies. I am sure they won’t last long as well as the other goodies she gave me.

OSU lost today. Their first loss of the season. It made me sad as their winning streak came to an end. I really thought that they would stay undefeated but they were playing a tough team.

I came home and got really cold. I needed to catch some sleep. I didn’t mean to nap. I just wanted to get warmed up, take my meds and then fall asleep for the night. That what was running through my mind anyway. Didn’t happen. Now I am awake and can’t really sleep. I hope I get to sleep soon. This staying up most of the night and then sleeping during the day sucks. Fucking pissed me off the other day when my mother came into my room to “check” on me because I didn’t answer her phone call. I was sleeping and she fucking woke me up. She just doesn’t get that I don’t sleep at night. I have tried telling her this and all I get is that I am lazy. Just depresses me further.

There won’t be a quote for today. I just haven’t the energy to find one. My heart is just too heavy.

Tolerating depression and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Been reading “Suicide as Psychache” by my buddy Edwin Shneidman. He is such a verbose writer. And he uses obscure words. Reading it is like swallowing a dictionary. I just read a section that deals with highly suicidal persons in psychotherapy. He describes how to lower the perturbation and lethality to keep the person alive. As I was reading this, I was thinking about the first responders and police officers who deal with suicidal situations all the time. Their judgement must be quick. They don’t have the time to pull out a piece a paper and write down the reasons of their perturbations. They just have to quiet down the person enough to take them to the hospital for possible treatment, assuming the suicide was in progress when they approached. It is different than what goes on in the private office of the therapist.

I also have been thinking about my own suicidality. It’s hard not to when you are reading a book about the subject. I know I want to die. But as Shneidman states, death is always inevitable, so why rush it? I feel like I don’t want to get older. My birthday is coming up and I just cannot bear it. It has never been a source of joy in my adult years. I always dread it. It will be taking place in a little over a month. My therapist keeps on harping on the frustrated needs that I have that are pushing me to my death. It isn’t all about my needs that are pushing me to my death. I feel like I am not making a difference anymore. I hardly have any friends that I talk to on a regular basis. People think of me and I think of them but no contact happens.

Today I will be visiting my cousin’s wife. She is the wife of my Godfather who I was thinking of last week as it was his birthday. I will be going with my other cousins that I am close to. One of them is sympathetic to my depressions and suicidal states. The other is not so sympathetic. We have about a 45 min to an hour drive to see my Godfather’s wife. The ride is going to be interesting. I am nervous about this. I am not in a suicidal state, so that is good. But I am depressed. I know that I will put on my “happy” face so that I don’t worry them as we take this long drive.

I wish my menses would stop but I am still in the middle of the cycle. I so want to go back to wearing boxers. My cousins don’t know that I am transgender. It’s just not something we talk about. But then there are a lot of things we don’t talk about. One of my cousins just became a grandmother so I guess we will be talking about that for most of the ride. I have yet to meet the grandbaby. I hope I do someday. I am not that close to my “little” cousins as I once was. It’s hard when you don’t have a car. But it’s also hard when you don’t get invited to events in their lives.

I still feel empty inside, like I got nothing inside me. My heart is heavy. Nothing tastes good. I found an article about an antidiabetic medication that helps with depression. I passed it along to my pdoc to see if this med might work for me. It’s supposedly good for those with insulin resistance and I also have that. I hope my pdoc considers it. I will take anything that will help me at this point. If it will help fill this void that is called my life, I will try it. I haven’t looked into the drug. I will when my pdoc gives the okay to take it. I will look at the side effects and such. All I have been doing lately is tolerating my depression and suicidality. It’s all I can do lately.