Tag: psychological pain

Foot and ankle hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Foot and ankle hurting

I really wanted to get out of the house today, but my ankle and foot were really hurting me today. I woke up in pain, took some meds and fell back to sleep. My back was also hurting, which it never does so I hope I didn’t over do it on Monday going for that long walk. So I just decided after therapy I was going to stay in and go back to sleep. Trouble was, I couldn’t friggin sleep. Brain was on high power and I couldn’t shut it down. Didn’t help that voices were ramped up. They were curious on what I was talking about with my therapist.

I talked to my therapist about my diagnosis. She said that I could be either Bipolar II or III. Great. More confusion of what my diagnosis is. But she doesn’t have the latest DSM and neither do I. I usually buy one just to keep abreast of the diagnostic criteria for certain disorders but this time I am not going to buy one because, I can’t afford it. It’s like 80 bucks or more. I haven’t even looked at the price on amazon. Nor do I want to.

I am glad I didn’t go out today as it is hot out. I didn’t have coffee today. I just didn’t feel like making it. Besides, I thought I would be going to Starbucks later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have left the house and gone to the post office. That wouldn’t have been too strenuous. I need to send my book to my editor as a thank you. I will try and do it tomorrow when I go out and meet my friend for coffee. I haven’t seen my friend in a couple of years now, though we usually just keep in touch via email. I am really looking forward to meeting her.

I have been feeling frustrated lately. I can’t seem to get it out of my head just how suicidal I was a month ago. I was reading my journal and there was no indication in what I was writing that I was suicidal until the 21st of July. Then things went from bad to worse. I still feel out of it at times. And the fact that I stayed so long in the hospital was a bit frustrating because nothing got done while I was there. I still felt like my needs weren’t attended to. No wonder people often attempt after a hospitalization. They feel hopeless when they get admitted and still continue to feel that way after they get discharged. My therapist has a packet of letters of my admission. She is going through them slowly but surely. It documents my stay and the treatment or lack there of, that I received. Even when I told them I was experiencing PTSD symptoms, all they told me to do was to take deep breaths. Not helpful.

I still don’t know how I am alive today. I am beyond amazed. But yet most people don’t realize just how suicidal I can be. And it doesn’t take much to get pushed in that direction. I don’t know if I am suicidal now but I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to do something. Today my niece called me a woman and I wanted to say something but I held back. No need to confuse her. I don’t ever think I will be called a man.

I slept pretty good last night, even though I still had some weird dreams. But I feel so tired right now I could fall right asleep. My brain is shutting down for some reason. Maybe the pain meds are finally hitting me. I am in a lot of pain and I have noticed that when I am, I can’t think straight. It’s like I go into another dimension or something. Maybe I just dissociate because I am hurting too much. I have done that more than a few times. Sometimes, when the pain is this bad, I will think my ankle is someone else’s, that it doesn’t belong to me. Pain changes you and no one knows it because they don’t see it. Sure, expensive tests will reveal the damage (fMRI’s can detect these changes) but not everyone can afford them. Doctors won’t order the tests because these changes that are seen, are seen through research only and don’t really have clinical value, meaning even if revealed, won’t change a clinical course for the patient. It is just so frustrating to live in chronic pain all the time. But I just take what works for me and hope that tomorrow I can go out to meet my friend. It is going to be an early day for me but that is ok. I have no plans for the afternoon, aside from writing my blog.

Mockingbird won’t sing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, writing

Mockingbird won’t sing

I spoke to my therapist about my pw protected blog. It is about my coming out as a transgender. She liked it and recommended that I send it to my psychiatrist. I have no intention of doing so because I just think it will be a waste of my pdoc’s time. I know she enjoys my writing but sending her something she already knows seems redundant to me. We had already discussed this (TG issues) when I saw her last. I took down the blog but have it saved in my trash bin, should I decide to send it out again.

After my session, I was a little hyper. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I did some journaling and that seemed to calm me down some. I think I drank too much coffee. LOL It is weird that on days that I don’t have coffee I can function fairly well but am not as productive and on days that I do have coffee, I am more productive and can think a little more clearly.

I just had my lunch, a bowl of cereal. I really wanted a bacon sandwich but I am trying to lower my salt intake. Plus it was cinnamon toast crunch and I know cinnamon has some health value.

I seemed to have done something to my right hip between changing my sheets on Sunday and walking yesterday. I took a trip to the basement to freeze some bread as our freezer was full and by the time I got there, my hip and sciatica was acting up. I was having pains in the buttock going down my leg. Soon as I rested it went away. I want to do another walk tomorrow, the same distance I did yesterday. I need to try and do more exercise but I also don’t want to hurt myself in the process. I am going to try stretching those muscles to see if that eases the pain. It might just need a gentle stretch as I am out of shape. I haven’t walked long distances in over two years. I wish there was a Starbucks I could walk to but there isn’t. There is no way I can walk to my Starbucks place in the square. That will be my goal one day but not off the bat. It still depresses me that I can’t walk far without pain. I used to be able to walk anywhere I wanted to. Now I am so limited that even a walk more than a few blocks hurts me. But if I don’t test my limits and move past them, I am never going to know what I can and can’t do. I want to be more mobile but not to be in pain all the time. I am NOT willing for that to be the price I pay for increased mobility. And I know it will take time. Maybe walking halfway and back is what I need to do until I can do the 1.2 miles again.

I have titled this “Mockingbird won’t sing” because it was the song that I was listening to when I started my blog. It is a song by Rob Thomas. It reminded me of the time when my therapist and I were not on the same page. No matter what we tried, we just were batting heads. I wasn’t making much progress in what was being said. I felt like I was at a stand still and was doubting whether I should stay with my therapist. That was when we decided on consultation, and even then we had different opinions on what kind of consult we needed. She wanted me to see a DID (dissociative Identity Disorder) specialist and I wanted to see a suicidologist. We ended up seeing both, though not at the same time.

I got nothing but bullshit from the DID specialist. She denied my hallucinations, called them “parts of self”. If they were parts of me, why did they respond so well to medication?? I felt like I was back in the old ward of the Trauma unit of the hospital I was just discharged, where they wanted me to name my feelings and “talk with them”. This person had some pretty eclectic ideas about how trauma works. But I guess she got the idea from Europe and brought it over to the States, where it didn’t catch on. And the reason for that is because DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) takes precedence. My therapist did like her style and I hated it. I still think it is a crock, though, I will admit, there are some merits to what she was saying. I don’t remember them now but I remember the specialist’s papers were interesting.

The suicidologist was more my type. He was analytical, complete with a couch in his office. We had a few sessions but I found that transference (my feelings toward him) was getting in the way of our therapy so I stopped going. He is still available to me should I need him again. Unfortunately, he doesn’t accept my insurance so it will be a hefty bill, if I do see him again.

feeling distraught and confused

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

I’m a little distraught today. Today is my BFFL’s birthday. He called and told me thank you after I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He then told me some stiffening news. His ex-fiance died in a car crash last week. I remember hearing about it on Twitter as I get the State police tweets. I just felt really bad because in my mind, I had “ruled” it a suicide because it was a single fatal crash. Turns out she had a seizure while driving and crashed into a tree, causing her car to explode. Not a good way to die. She was only 33 years old. I feel for her family.

I didn’t know her that well. We didn’t know each other at all, only through my BFFL. I met her a few times while they were together. She didn’t like me because she was a jealous type and thought I was going to steal him away from her. I kept telling my BFFL to say that I was gay and that would end any animosity but he wouldn’t. I guess he liked having a jealous girlfriend. She worked for the Mass Pike Authority so the last time I saw her was at a toll booth. I didn’t and she didn’t realize who we were until after we left. It was one of those do I know you but hurry up and leave type of situations. I can’t be spending all day at a toll booth. The cars behind me wouldn’t like it! I just feel really sad about the way she died.

I tried walking today, despite being in pain. It was horrible. By the time I was half way home, my ankle felt like someone was ripping it apart. I came home, got back into my pjs, took some nerve pain pills, one pain pill, and now I am writing my blog. I am not doing anything else today and hope to God today isn’t a crap day. I have nerve pain in my butt so bad I can hardly sit as I am typing this. I know I should be working on my editing my book. But I am in too much pain and soon will be in lala land. Besides, if I work on it today, I won’t be able to work on anything the rest of this week.

I have decided that half of my cash funds are going to Starbucks. I HAVE to be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks or I will just go insane in the house. My mother is now playing Yatzee, a dice game, instead of watching TV. It is so very annoying!! I rather hear the speakers of the TV than the roll of the die. She plays by herself, just to keep herself occupied. It is driving me crazy so I need to get out of the damn house.

In addition to seeing my therapist this week, I am seeing my pdoc. My pdoc sent me an email asking to come in for an earlier time. I asked again if she wanted me to come in early but I haven’t heard back from her. I think she got confused when she sent me the email but now I am confused. It’s a later time than I usually see her, which isn’t a problem, because I have nothing better to do. But I like to occupy my time accordingly. If she wants me to come in earlier, I would like to know.

I haven’t worked on the TG piece that I wrote a couple of days ago. I am going to wait until my therapist has a chance to read it before I work on it some more. I really want to re-write it, just write about how I came out to myself and where I am today with it all. I bought a reward for writing it. I felt like I should be rewarded for writing such an emotional piece. My BFFL doesn’t know I want to be a male. I think he will flip out or I might lose the relationship if he ever were to find out.

The editor for the AAS has given me a month to work on this piece. But I have so much time on my hands that I can’t possibly sit on it for that length of time. But I suppose I can alternate between my second book writings and the TG piece. I know the TG piece is going to be a huge part of therapy sessions in the upcoming weeks.

agitated ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t have therapy today. I was hoping a spot would open up but it never happened. Now I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to my therapist again. This sucks. I had a very busy day and need to talk about it.

I took my father to his appointment and surprisingly, he didn’t cause my already high blood pressure to skyrocket. I went to my appointment and just as I thought, my PCP increased the new blood pressure medication that I am on. Luckily, I was spared the weight issue/reprimand.

I have been feeling anxious all day. I have been up since 0530 and I can’t seem to calm down. I took an Ativan when I took my morning meds, hoping that would calm me down some but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am such a friggen wreck. I am wicked tired, actually, I am beyond tired. I know that I won’t be able to rest as I am too restless to stay still long enough to sleep. I just have been going all day. I had a bad dream that caused me to wake up at 0530. I don’t remember what it was about now. I know it had to do with my mother. I just hope the dream doesn’t come true.

I think most of it has to do with the transgender piece I wrote yesterday, not the public version but the password protected one. I don’t think my therapist has read it yet and I am nervous about it.

I got an email from my pdoc asking if I can come in earlier tomorrow and I am like whoa, our appointment isn’t until next week. I really don’t want to do ANYTHING tomorrow because my leg is acting up. I got the nerve pain zaps last night and my foot has been on fire since it happened. I haven’t been able to calm it down because there is nothing I can take for it. I need a day to rest after I spent most of the day in my AFO brace (ankle/foot orthotic). My leg is also angry at me because my PCP had to press on my leg to see if it hurt. Fucker. Now I have to take my pain meds to quiet that down too. I am just going to have a party tonight with my meds and see what works and what doesn’t. I got to get rid of this anxiety first though. I think I will take an Ativan and hope for the best. Then I can take the nerve pain med and hope it puts the fire out in my foot. It sucks to have your foot constantly burning and knowing there is nothing you can take for it. I was driving today so I was limited in what I could take. It is just driving me crazy and I know that is probably one of the reasons why my anxiety is up and why I am so restless. I just can’t sit still. But writing has given me something to focus on, least for the time being.

I don’t really feel like I am hypomanic as I do not have a good mood. I am still really depressed. This agitation is killing me though. I think I am going to take some of my nerve pain meds and see if that calms me down. If it doesn’t, I will take an anti-psychotic. I just cannot stand being like this. And I really want to take a nap, though it is getting close to bed time so I probably shouldn’t. UGH!!! So frustrated.

I am happy that my PCP didn’t restrict the number of pills I got for my pain meds due to my psych hospitalization. He asked if I did something and I told him no. He doesn’t need to know what lead to the hospitalization, just that I was there because my blood pressure was crazy! This is the second time that my blood pressure was out of control during an inpatient psych visit. I don’t know if it was because of the stress that I was under or what. But I do know that I need to lose some weight to keep it under control with ONE medication rather than two. My biggest fear is that I will become hypotensive (low blood pressure). But I have been monitoring my bp at home so I don’t think that will be a problem. I take my blood pressure twice a day and the pressure seems to be worse at night. Happened while in the hospital too so no change there. Though I did want to slap one of the mental health workers when she asked me if I was drinking enough. Stupid dumbass. My pressure would be low if I was dehydrated. And I drank lots while I was in the hospital. Mostly ginger ale and juice cocktail (OJ and cranberry juice). I wish I could have had some vodka with the juice sometimes. I swore I was going to have a shot of gin when I got out but I still haven’t had it. I lost the feeling for drinking. Plus, it doesn’t mix with my pain meds.

I took my nerve pain meds. It better knock out the stupid burning pain that I am experiencing. I don’t usually have this type of pain. I usually have a physical type of pain that is helped with pain meds (narcotic kind). The nerve pain meds are not narcotic. And it doesn’t make sense since I have increased my mood stabilizer as that also can knock out nerve pain. Man, things are really messed up. I am on too many meds. I got to find a way to get off them.