Tag: psychological pain

Daily living activities and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Daily living activities and pain

I made dinner tonight. Nothing extravagant. Just boiled some potatoes for potato salad and my mother made grilled cheese. The whole peeling the potatoes killed me even though I was sitting down while I peeled them. My foot just couldn’t take the pressure on the floor I guess. I must have stood maybe ten minutes to get the potatoes in a bowl and cool them off some so we could eat them. I made potato salad with vinegar as they were too hot for the traditional mayonnaise. I will make them tomorrow as we still have some potatoes left over.

I am in so much pain from doing a little cooking. I made myself breakfast this morning and it wasn’t as bad as it is right now. I can’t believe that just standing for a about 10-15 minutes caused my pain levels to explode. Granted I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I am supposed to be resting to get my swelling down but I just can’t stay in bed all day. I am really bummed out that doing something simple hurt me so bad. I was going to take a shower today but that is off the list.

I am supposed to go to the pharmacy tomorrow to drop off my prescription for my pain meds. I have no fucking idea how I am supposed to walk there when I am in this much pain. My sister has a graduation party to go to so it’s not like I can borrow her car or have her drive me. I am so doped up it’s probably good that I am not behind the wheel. I am going to have to force myself to walk the three blocks to the pharmacy tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it because I know I am going to be hurting. I might as well stay and wait to have it filled as I don’t want to pick up the script the next day. I will just be in the same position as I am in now. I still have to walk the three blocks either way.

My cousin called me today and pissed me off. He asked where have I been and said he left a message the other day. That is bullshit because I don’t have a call from him. I checked my phone log and the last time he called me was last week. I hate liars. Then he said maybe I didn’t get the message. That really ticked me off. I quickly got off the phone with him as I said I wasn’t in the mood to talk. But he would let me off the phone without knowing why I was so pissed off. UGH. I don’t know why I answered the phone to begin with!!

I finally got the number for the junk car company to remove my car in the driveway. Now I just have to make the call. LOL I was talking with my writing partner about this. My family has been hounding me to get rid of the car. I don’t know why. It’s not like it’s bothering anyone. But they just do it to annoy me. My sister even volunteered to call for me. But I got mad and said I would call, don’t be rushing me. I stormed out of the house and went back to my room. I have been in a lousy mood and it’s hard to call people when you are hurting. My family just doesn’t understand how much energy it take just for me to go down the stairs to pee. I hate being like this but this is what my life has become. I can’t do simple things anymore. I am just too depressed and overwhelmed. My family thinks it’s because I am lazy but I am not. I just am too overwhelmed with stuff. And I hate talking on the phone. I get worried that I might not get a good deal for the car and I will get screwed. One place already tried to get me at a lower price than what is advertised in the paper. I will call tomorrow. I have the paper by my bed and hopefully by noon, I will call one of the three numbers and see what I can get for the car.

I know my sister wants some money from me because she cleaned out the car. I didn’t ask her, she just did it on her own. It was nice of her to do it but I hate that she now wants money for it. No good deed goes unpunished, I guess.

I am really worried about one of my blogger friends. She is going through a rough time. I wish I could help her but she is across the country, on the west coast of the US. We chat usually late at night if I am up but my late at night is early evening for her. We have a three hour difference in time so it’s sometimes hard to arrange a chat. I just hope she gets through whatever she is going through without harming herself. She is talking about going back to the hospital as a defeat and I wish she didn’t think of it as that. She needs help and the hospital is there to help her. I think that is part of the stigma of having mental illness. People that are frequent visitors of the hospital take it as a personal setback of some kind when it shouldn’t be viewed as such. It’s reaching out and admitting you need help and that takes more courage than anything. I used to think like her but I realized that my life is complicated and I have severe mental illness. It requires me to be in the hospital time and time again. There might be some shame in that but it really needs to end if we are to end the stigma around mental illness.

I know a blogger/twitter person that instead of calling it mental illness, she calls it for mental health. To me, that is different. People who are mentally healthy don’t end up in the hospital a few times a year or take psych medication on a daily basis. They don’t struggle with their illness every day, be it bipolar, depression, or schizophrenia. It pisses me off when people try and pawn off one thing for something else. Yes, I would like to be mentally healthy but that is never going to happen and I am not being pessimistic. That is reality.

Feel stupid

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feel stupid

I had asked my therapist for another session today to continue what we were talking about yesterday about my self-image and dissociative state. Least that was the plan anyways. It didn’t work out. I was so out of it from taking pain meds last night and still feeling deeply worried about my ankle as it is numb. I thought with rest it would go away by morning but it hasn’t happened yet. The pain is not there, least as long as I don’t move it a certain way. We ended up talking about that, most of the session. And then I felt bad and stupid because there were periods where I wasn’t talkative or just gave one word answers. Yea I was an interesting person to talk to today. NOT.

I wrote her a letter last night and I partially read it to her, or at least gave her the gist of what it was about. Apparently, I threatened suicide at the end of the letter. But luckily, I didn’t follow through with it because I fell asleep shortly after signing off. I was in a bad state of mind last night because even though I had a “band” of numbness around my ankle, before and after this band was severe pain. I was just very uncomfortable and seriously considering going to the hospital to find out why I was numb. I am still numb but I don’t have the same amount of pain around the numbness. And I don’t think this is psychological. I think because it is so swollen, I can’t feel my ankle because the skin is being stretched so much. Icing it causes me pain so all I have left is elevation.

I almost had to laugh when my therapist asked what I was doing this weekend. UM, don’t you remember I am on bed rest?? The only thing I have to do is figure out how to get to the pharmacy to refill my pain medication. I figure I will do this on Saturday to make sure I don’t waste my time tomorrow. But other than that, I am not planning on going anywhere. I was supposed to go to a grad party Saturday and a birthday party on Sunday but I have cancelled those events as there is no way I can go. It will cause me too much pain.

This numbness that I am experiencing is really annoying me. Just imagine your foot going to sleep and never waking up is the best way I can describe it. I am not getting the pins and needles you get when it wakes up. I feel so stupid that this is happening. I can still stand on my foot, walk on it, etc. It just feels really weird. There is no color change, there is no bruise or redness around the area. It just is so frustrating. Even if I go to the hospital, I know the x-ray is going to show nothing wrong with it.

I am really tired today. I want to sleep but the fricken birds in my area are chirping really loud. It is annoying the crap out of me. And it’s hard to sleep when you are disturbed like this. I wish there was a way to scare the fuckers away but I don’t even know where they are hiding. I would throw rocks at them or something. Good thing I don’t own a fire arm.

suicidal self vs DID

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

I was reading an article tonight about DID, or Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple personality disorder). It got me thinking in a lot of ways that I will ask my therapist about. I am wondering if I went into an “alter” last week when I became really suicidal. My pdoc thinks that I am just not made to be menstruating, that anything to do with it, I just become suicidal. But it’s so strange that I become this suicidal maniac until I start bleeding. Then I am back to my status quo. I woke up differently on Thursday than I was feeling on Wednesday. I still feel like I should be dead but it’s like last Tuesday was eons ago rather than just last week. I don’t know if I am making any sense. I just know that I was different than I am now and I am trying to figure it out. Nothing triggering me into being someone else. I just figured that since no one was home, they would have a hard time finding me and then it would be too late to save me. I am not going to say what I was planning on doing.

This “different” state happens all the time and I should know by now that it is hormonal. But does hormones play a part in DID? No one really knows that much about it. They know that trauma plays a huge part in forming the alters or different personality states. But why should I have just a suicidal state? I mean I am suicidal most of the time but this was different. This was borderline hospitalize me now or I am going to end my life state. And then, just like that, I didn’t want to kill myself anymore. It was the furthest thing from my mind. I am not saying that I wanted to live, because I NEVER do but suicide was the last thing on my mind and has been that way the past few days. I actually have been feeling “happy” and not moody. I am finagling how to make a future for myself that includes going back to college and getting my degree. That I don’t have a car anymore, kills me. That I am not working anymore, kills me. And the big one, that I am disabled, absolutely destroys me. I have to be on bedrest for the next month. That absolutely sucks. I literally have to make the swelling in my leg go down before my next appointment. I don’t know what they will do. Probably start me on more pills or something to get the swelling down if rest and ice doesn’t work.

And all this is fueling my suicidal gauge again. It got empty for a while but now it’s back to being full. And I cannot tell my therapist I am on bed rest because she will fucking pull that card on me big time and I don’t want to hear it. It would soon be grounds for admission to hospital and I can’t do that. FUCK that. Problem is, I haven’t figured out how NOT to keep this from her because I have a big mouth and I tell her everything that is wrong with me. I don’t know how she stands me. I really don’t. I torture this lady week after week with my suicidality. I bore her to tears with my pain issues. She doesn’t let on about it, but I know I bore her. But I am getting off topic of the DID stuff…

I don’t know when the suicidal self began. It happened really quickly and that is what scared me. I started thinking about this on Monday (last Monday) and then poof, Tuesday I was in the running for a suicide attempt. It got spoiled only because my fucking idiot therapist wanted to keep my appointment with her. Damn bitch and her decorum. It was a beautiful day to kill myself. No one was home. I would take what I needed to do the deed and be done with it with no one to fucking stop me. So the plan was to proceed anyways. NOPE, didn’t happen. I had to text her that I was going to be dead by Wed and would not be keeping our appointment because of my death. Or something like that. I am the biggest idiot alive. One hand I was having keen suicidal thoughts and in the other hand, I am texting the one person that could stop me from going through with it. I am a fucker, as she has called me numerous times now. I am not kidding. But it is true. My ambivalence got in the way, maybe, and thus my beautiful plan was never executed in the fashion I wanted it to. So then I started thinking of other ways to end my life. Until Thursday came with a little gift of discharge and all was right with the world again. Doesn’t make sense. I didn’t lose track of time. I was in the moment, well, in a suicide moment. The constriction was deep and flowing. I couldn’t wrap my head around anything other than killing myself and then poof, it’s gone. Just like that. And I am left stunned. I am back to the land of the living though I certainly don’t want to be here. I am left feeling like “did that really happen”? “Was I really thinking of taking my life that way”? Why did I want to die so badly? It just doesn’t make any sense. And I don’t think my therapist or my psychiatrist can make sense of it either. Just a few drops of menstrual blood was all that was needed to break the insanity, to lose the suicidal self. My psych doesn’t see that side of me often. She doesn’t see what my therapist sees on a regular basis. I think it is harder for her to diagnose me as a DID because of this, if I do have DID. But I don’t think having a suicidal self “counts” as a “part of self” or an “alter”. And that is really frustrating me.

I am on birth control pills that are supposed to control my menses so this break should not be happening. Yet it happens and I have no control over it. I don’t think anyone can really have control over it. Even though the discharge was only a day or so, it was enough to break the suicidal self and bring me back to being miserable. And that is that sad part of this. I don’t die and I am forced to live when I don’t want to.

Not too happy right now

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not too happy right now

I saw my PCP and he gave me advice I didn’t want to hear, that I should ice and rest my foot/ankle until it gets better. I wanted to say, “You fink, I have been doing that”!! But now that my leg is involved and he saw how swollen it is, I am grounded. I was supposed to meet up with friends tomorrow and it looks like I will have to cancel. I am so fucking aggravated.

I might sneak out anyway to see my friend from NM. It depends on how I feel, but I really feel guilty about not seeing my other friends. Either trip is going to cause me pain. I just hate myself all the more.

I saw my pdoc. I have until Wed to make a decision about the hospital. I told her I wanted to talk to my therapist first and see what she thinks. But now with this rest rule in place, I just don’t know. Yes, the hospital will allow me to rest my leg but they don’t have my bed and I am not carrying my wedge to take with me so they can mess with it. I will just stay in my room anyway, propped up on pillows, though their beds suck big time. They psych wards do not have standard issue hospital beds. It’s more like half a bunk bed that is stationary on the floor so you can’t move it and then a thin mattress to sleep on. Does wonders for people with back problems like myself. And the pillows are worse. I usually take one of my pillows with me as I cannot sleep on a soft pillow.

On the one happy note for today, is that I got my books. They just arrived not too long after I started this blog. I am hoping to donate at least 4 of them to local libraries and submit 2 for review for the American Association of Suicidology. They require two copies be sent for review.

Just got two texts that say severe thunderstorms and a tornado warning has just been issued. Hope that doesn’t mean the Sox game will be postponed. I need something to do tonight. Last night I decided to finally watch a Harry Potter movie and my laptop’s DVD player crapped out on me. I watched like half the movie when it went. I was so mad. I am going to try playing it on Windows Media Player next time and see if that works. I don’t know if it’s the software program I use or the DVD player itself.

I so need a nap. I think I will try and get one in soon.