Tag: psychological pain

spoon shortage

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Spoon shortage

Earlier this week, my mother asked me where our big spoons were. I said I didn’t know, maybe the dishwasher ate them. She wasn’t amused.

It got me thinking about how much I need spoons lately. Just for me to shower and go to the store took more spoons than I realized. Spoons, for those that don’t know or are new to my blog, is a metaphor for energy based on a blog I read years ago. I have posted it here so you can try and understand what I am talking about.

I am in a lot of pain right now. I think I am done for the day and that is too bad because I wanted to see my Australian friend today. He said we would meet up sometime in the afternoon but I still haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out of spoons, too. He was in a car accident the other day and has whiplash. He was hurting pretty good. Whiplash sucks. I experienced it once and never want to again. Tonight is also my nephew’s birthday party. I don’t know if I will be making an appearance or not. Depends if I can get this pain that I am feeling under control or not.

It sucks being in chronic pain. I haven’t had a break all week. Today was going to be a rest day but I had to shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I also wanted chocolate. So after my shower, I got dressed and went to the pharmacy. I also did some shopping as my mother wanted pudding. My protein bars were on sale so I grabbed some of those as well. I got home and my mother flipped out on the “junk” I bought. I didn’t say anything to her. I swear sometimes she thinks I uses HER money to buy MY stuff. I don’t. If I want to use my money to buy “junk”, then so be it. Least I didn’t order food like I wanted to. I have been craving Pad Thai but I am doing good and not buying it. I still have to go to the meat market and get my burgers. I also need to learn how to cut up an avocado so I can have it on my burger. I love avocados.

I was feeling some more of the self hate again today. I saw a shadow of me and one of things on my chest and I got really sad. I so want to be flat chested. It’s very distressing to me and I can’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t think I can even talk to my therapist about it because then she wants to “fix” the problem and have me see the people at the gay clinic. I just can’t be bothered with it. I just rather die than deal with it. Even if I could grow facial hair, I still will have breasts. And I doubt testosterone fixes that. It’s really hard for me to talk about. It’s just another thing about self-image that I cannot tolerate. My therapist says I don’t see myself, that the image is not what it is. She is right. I don’t see myself as a man and never will as long as things are the way they are. She just doesn’t get how much it hurts me to the point of wanting to take my life. And if I ever have the opportunity to take it, you know that damn well I will take it.

did too much

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Did way too much today. I woke up early to meet up with a friend but her commuter rail line had problems so she couldn’t come into town. I was sad as I really wanted to see her today. But we decided to reschedule so that was good. I then had a few hours to kill before my pdoc appointment so went back home and had my coffee. I also wrote a bit while making an appointment for my father and emailing a junk yard to see if they wanted my car.

My pdoc appointment went okay but I am frustrated that there is nothing new to try to get me out of this depression that I am in. I could go back to the Cymbalta but why? I will just get sick from it, eventually. So we go another two weeks without med changes and me suffering. I told her I was mostly depressed because of pain and she said I am doing too much. I know I am. I walked more today than I have all year and now I am paying the price. My ankle is so swollen I can’t move it and it hurts so bad when I do. I am in bed until 1145 tomorrow when I have to pick my niece up again. I still have not finagled how I am going to watch her while I have therapy at 1230. I hope I am home in time to get her settled while I talk on the phone for 50 minutes.

I really need to have a rest day but that isn’t going to happen until Friday of this week. I am picking up my niece from school MTW and then I have my father’s doc appointment Thursday. I have to be up at 0630 Thursday to get my sister’s car so I can take him. I will be finding out where my sister’s work in Cambridge is located. It will be good to know in case I have to go there one day. I know I am doing too much this week and obviously I am still not rested from my activities from Saturday. This totally sucks and no one gets it. I just am in disbelief about how I was able to work two jobs while in this much pain.

My cousin came over my sister’s while I was babysitting. I do not like this cousin as she is very dramatic and high strung. She is also a hypochondriac. She was telling me today that she thought she had breast cancer at age 15. I guess that is when it started for her. It turned out she just had fibrosis. She is about 8 years older than I am. And as bad as I didn’t feel good, she just kept on yapping and yapping. When she told me she was on Adderall, everything fit. Supposedly she is on it because she has ADHD. I think she is just bipolar and not diagnosed. She didn’t care that I was in pain, and kept asking me what was wrong. It was like talking to a brick wall. She just wasn’t getting it. I wish she would have just left but she just made herself at home, fixing herself something to eat and drink. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t wait for my sister to come home so I could leave. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to get the hell away from her. Course, all I wanted to do at that point was to be in my bed with my foot up.

I am very tired as it has been a very long day and tomorrow is going to be longer as I got the munchkin all afternoon. I really am not looking forward to it but someone has to watch the munchkin after school. Last day of school is Wednesday. That is because my city calls snow days at the mention of the word snow in the forecast. Doesn’t even have to have a snowflake on the ground and school will be called off.

a good but tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Today was my niece’s graduation. I am glad I went because I saw my cousins that I usually only see during weddings or funerals. I had no idea they were coming. It was so good to see them.

I have been in a depressed state. I hardly ate anything today. I should be hungry by now but I have no energy to eat anything. I just feel really run down. My pain is up there and I am trying not to let it get to me but I just can’t seem to ignore it the way I should be able to.

One of my aunts was telling me about her physical therapist and that I should see her. Thing is, I have had enough of PT and doctors to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to see anyone else as there is not a clear diagnosis for me to even begin PT again, not that it would help. I didn’t break a bone. I didn’t sprain anything that I know of yet I am in constant physical pain. She wants to help me and I understand this but there is nothing anyone can do. I know I am “babying” myself by not doing regular walking but what do you do when it hurts to walk?? I worked for two years in constant pain, seeing doctor after doctor to find out what was wrong. Now that I am on disability, I think I have earned the right to just sit around and do nothing for a little while. I know that resting my leg/ankle/foot is helping to bring the swelling down and I am getting better. But days like today where I am standing to talk to people and walking around just takes so much out of me. And people don’t realize it. They just think that because I am standing there with a smile on my face I am fine. I got a reprimand twice today about just wearing a T-shirt today. I wanted to tell them, “at least I showed up”. I wasn’t going to, I really wasn’t. But I went anyways and if I showed up in a t-shirt and jeans, well it’s better than me not being there, right?? Sure, it made me a little self-conscious, but my sisters didn’t mind and to me that was most important to me. I showed up and that was what counted.

I talked with one of my cousins today about my book. She is so proud of me for writing one. I told her exactly how I felt, like a failure because it wasn’t doing well. She said she is going to get it. Another cousin said the same thing.

I know I should be proud of my book but I am starting to feel like I put so much of myself into it that I shouldn’t have. But I can’t change the way that I wrote it unless I rewrite the book. I knew what was going into this book. I have read it three times. Some of the stuff I can’t believe I wrote, or that “I” wrote it because it was good stuff. But it’s not selling and that just has me down. And sadly, I can’t find the energy to promote my book. I have realized it will take money to make money and frankly, I just don’t have the motivation or the cash to do it.

Ramblings 69

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I was so exhausted yesterday I didn’t write a blog. I was tired and tearful. Little things would make me cry and then I couldn’t stop. Very unusual for me.

I had a rough day today. My mother woke me up at around 0730 because the microwave was broken and she accused me of breaking it. We got into an argument so I couldn’t settle down and go to sleep. After 0830, I called the company to find out what “F3” meant and got no where. So I had to go on the website to find out the keypad was toast. F3 meant it shorted out. It probably happened the other day when the power went out and then something happened this morning to finally make it bust. So when I called my mother and explain she was all upset. Sorry, we need a new microwave.

After the finagling of phone calls and computer work, I took shaved and took a shower. Got dressed and went to the bus stop wicked early. About ten minutes while waiting my phone rings and it was a private number. Thinking it was my father, I picked up. It was my pdoc saying she had to cancel due to an emergency and could I reschedule for Monday. Fine. I left the bus stop, went home and had a cup of coffee.

After the coffee, I was trying to take a nap. HAHA yea right. My sister called and told me my father is not doing well and could I go over his house to bring him some Ensure as he hasn’t been eating. I then asked what to do with my niece as I was supposed to pick her up later in the afternoon. I called her sister and she was able to pick her up so I could see my father. He looked awful. He needs fluids but doesn’t want to go to the hospital because it is Friday. UGH!!!! So he rather stay feeling horrible than be treated. His choice. I can’t change his mind. But I do make sure he drinks an Ensure before I leave. At least he has some nutrition in him for the day.

I come home and I am starving. I had eggs this morning but no lunch and now it’s getting close to dinner time. Microwaving something is out so I get a half pizza for myself and mother as a whole one would be too much.

I get home, eat and check on my “kids”. My youngest niece is sleeping and the older one made cupcakes. On a hot day! My leg is now killing me from walking around the world today. It was really bad last night and almost had a PTSD panic attack. But I took some Ativan and went to sleep. This leg pain is really bringing me down. I know it’s just whatever is wrong with my leg/foot/ankle but when it acts up, I get freaked out thinking I am getting CES again because I can’t move my toes. I can’t move my toes because of pain and swelling. I am resting now so hopefully I don’t have to go down the stairs again tonight. I really just want to chill on my bed and read a book or something. The less I stay on my feet the better.

My stats for everything, book sales, blog, and Kindle all suck right now. No one is buying my book. No one is reading my blog. I got 10 people yesterday, today was 9. I am so depressed. I usually get at least 20 hits per day and I just am not getting it anymore. I know I haven’t been writing as much and my writing is not as dark. I should be happy with the few people that actually read my blog and I am. I just want to get to 25K before the end of the month and that is not going to happen if my numbers don’t start improving.

So that has been my day. And I still have not had a nap. My Sox aren’t on until after 2200. I hate west coast games. The Sox are playing the number one team in the AL right now. We lost last night. Probably going to lose again tonight but we’ll see.