Tag: psychotherapist

still inpatient

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, psychosis

I got a scare this morning when the day shift staff kept on telling me i was gong to get discharged. After the bad weekend I had, I didn’t feel comfortable being let go today. I think it was just too soon. When I talked with my team, they agreed and I will be here another few days. I feel a little bit safer knowing that I am not being let go against my will.

My voice that I always talk to has come back. She was missing a little bit in action last night. I felt so lost without her. I have heard this voice for so long she is part of my thought process. I am not able to read or write without it.

I am feeling a little less paranoid now than I have in the few days. The perphenazine (trilafon) is working for me but it is knocking out all my voices. I hate that because it disrupts my thinking process and makes me more paranoid. I am hoping not to stay on a long term of this medication, I think once I get used to it, it might lessen things up.

I got my first suicidal impulses last night. I thought they were gone for a while because it has been almost three weeks since I have thoughts of killing myself, well active thoughts, not just passive thoughts. I really feel like I can live and have things go on the way they have been going and I am ok with it. I guess MLG’s letting it go has really helped me to let things go. I find that i am worrying less about things and she is not in the least mad at me that I am not writing about the project. She just wants me to get well. She sent me a nice email last night about how she thinks this could be a grief reaction to something regarding my transgender identity. She could be right but I am going through so much grief in other areas of my life that it is really hard to point to just one thing that has caused this psychotic break that I am experiencing.

Just for fun, I did four minutes on the exercise bike just to do something. I thought I was ok but my ankle is now hurting me more than anything. I am walking around with my AFO (Ankle foot orthotic) on the unit just to give me extra support and to ease the pain as they are not giving my pain meds like I take them at home.

I just talked with my therapist and it was so good to hear her voice. I told her all my voices have been wiped out and am finding it hard to think. She felt relieved but is a little worried that I might not be functional.

Group is starting soon so I will stop here for now. If I am able to post later I will.

drinking and cutting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

***warning might be triggering***

Just finished my writing of four pages today. I talked about the benefits of hospitalization and such. I have good experience with that as I have been hospitalized over 30 times in my life. I had at least twenty by the time I was 25 years old. My depressions were brutal and all I could think about was killing myself. And back then, if you had any thoughts of suicide and were thinking about acting on it, it landed you in the hospital. Now you need a specific plan, time, and date before they admit you.

I have been having big self-harm urges today. It started last night and has not let up any today. I am able to distract myself with music and playing with my phone, usually by going on twitter. I rarely talk to anyone by my therapist about this, though today she wanted to know more about it and I blew her off. I don’t know why I blew her off. I don’t really know why I have the urges. But I just didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like if I did, the urges would come back stronger and I wouldn’t be able to keep them at bay. I deal with these urges for so long on my own that I still can’t let anyone in on them. They are too private for me to talk about. I know that the paper I wrote last night about my TG issues is a cause of it. I don’t understand the link between me being a male and me wanting to cut. And I don’t think I want to know. I also have been wanting to drink to get seriously drunk. Been staring at a bottle of crown royale the past few weeks. I could empty the bottle. It has about a fourth left if I let myself. I am just afraid of what I might do if I start drinking. I could get into the fuck it modes and take more meds than I should. I could accidently try and kill myself while under the influence. That is why I don’t drink. I am too afraid of what might happen. I have never drank and used my meds inappropriately. In fact, if I do have any alcoholic beverages, I usually don’t end up taking my narcotic medication because I am afraid of the side effects. I won’t even take an Ativan for fear of it slipping me into a coma, though I don’t take that much.

Ever since I had that mini suicide attempt last October I have been fearful of mind altering drugs and cutting. Cutting might seem harmless, but it really isn’t. Not to a former cutter. It is like a drug. Once you start, you can’t stop. You want to feel that “high” again and again with each blood drop. I can’t explain it beyond that. It’s like a thrill you can’t get otherwise. It lets go of the pain with each slash. I am just afraid of going too deep and needing stitches where I most likely will be hospitalized for my actions. They rarely let you go if you need stitches. And it’s terrible to have to sit and wait and wait and wait like you are some kind of leper. Even though you didn’t mean on doing yourself harm, they (psychiatrists and such) think you could be at risk for more harm. All it takes to get started is that one cut. And one cut is usually never enough. Just like with me, one sip of whiskey is never enough. I need more and more to get drunk. I am a binge drinker. I binge drink and then I am fine for months. But sometimes, I find that I can’t stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic. I just like to drink. And sometimes just one will do it. Sometimes five will do it. Other times it is the rest of the bottle.

I have never cut while drunk and I never drink while cutting. The hazards for going too deep and wild is too great, greater than overdosing on medication. I once wanted to cut my jugular while in a drunken rage so I decided to never mix the two. It takes some deep restraint not to give into impulses for either. And despite the impulse, I some how avoid doing serious harm to myself while under the influence of either substance. No, cutting is not an abused substance but it should be.

My therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, suicide attempt

My therapist

I know a couple of my blogs have dealt with my therapist. Today she came back from her vacation and I could tell she is glad to be back.

We talked about a couple of issues while she was gone that I had texted her about. I had to keep her in the loop while she was away. I don’t know who else’s therapist does that but mine does.

Friday I was telling my psychiatrist that I was lucky to have her and not to have her drop me when she was going through all the moves that she was making. And also I didn’t connect with anyone while trying to find another therapist that was closer to me. My psychiatrist did bring up a point, that I didn’t drop either one (my therapist or my psychiatrist), though I did try to drop my therapist, many times. It just never worked out. And today I am seeing why. She really cares about me. And I think her hounding and nagging isn’t helping me. We talked about that today after she tried to assess my suicidality. I told her I was fine but she didn’t believe me. She never does. And it pisses me off because sometimes I really am fine.

I have known this bozo for the past 12.5 years (technically 13 if you count the initial session we had). I had an initial session with her in Aug 2000 but because she didn’t take my insurance, I had to wait till January to see her. It was a trying time. I was in severe back pain because I had a herniated disc. I was severely depressed because a therapist (one before her) had just left me after a year of working together and I was hurting really bad because I had just broken up with my girl friend. I was seriously thinking of killing myself because feelings of abandonment were rampant and I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to therapy again. I had so many therapists over the course of 10 yrs already and I wasn’t going to go again just to get hurt again. But something in her demeanor made me think that she was the one. And now after all this time, I realize that we have a lifetime commitment to one another (well, maybe not but it feels like it!)

I’ve had love and love’s had me
I’ve been held and been set free
And I have lived enough to know
That you might stay or you might go
So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

The best is just a touch away
We’ll make forever day by day
It’d be a shame to let this go
How sad to think we’d never know
How the morning light would fall on us
After we make all night in love

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

When I first heard this song by Terri Clark, it was the perfect song for my therapist and I. I was just getting over my relationship with a previous therapist and I didn’t know if I would go on. I was going out on a limb, trying my luck with Bozo.

I didn’t always call Bozo bozo. I used to call her by her formal title Dr. E. But as the years went by she wanted me to call her by her first name, A. Her middle name starts with a B and I didn’t know it for the longest time. And it is an unusual name. So I just started calling her Bozo hoping that she would get mad at me and stop seeing me. Turned out that no matter what I called her (including some explicit language), it never changed her mind. And wasn’t I in trouble!! She and I always had a connection from day one. I like to think that it was the song by Kenny Chesney, you had me from hello that explains it all.

One word, that’s all you said
Something in your voice called me, turned my head
Your smile, just captured me
You were in my future as far as I could see
And I dont know how it happens, but it happens still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you won’t let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I’d never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn’t going to love again
The last time was the last time I’d let someone in

But you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you wont let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Thats all you said
Something in your voice calls me, turns my head
You had me from hello
You had me from hello
Girl, I’ve loved you from hello

I don’t know how I got to be lucky to have this woman in my life and have such a good relationship with her. It took a long time to trust her especially after dealing with a diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. That diagnosis brings such a loss of dignity that you cannot imagine what it is like until it reaches you. But through all of my illnesses she has been there.

She doesn’t have a traditional track, like CBT or psychodynamic. She has what is called relational therapy. I am guessing she picked it up back in New Mexico because I can’t seem to find out about it anywhere else. More than that she takes the Aeschi model to a whole new level. She really wants to know me as a person and not as a diagnosis. I think if she were a strict therapist, I might not be with her after all this time. Even though I might not have frequent in session sessions, we still are able to read each other on the phone by the sound of our voices. I can see the faces she makes when we talk, though for a long time, I rarely had any type of facial contact. I think by having phone sessions has increased our eye to eye contact more than it has in the past. It really helped break the barrier of what I felt I couldn’t talk about and really talk about it. She also allows me to having input in the kind of treatment I want. If I didn’t bring in the works or Dr. Shneidman or Dr. Jobes, I doubt that I would be here today. She altered her practice style for me and I never take that for granted. Her style might be considered eccentric but it works for me. I am grateful that she allowed the use of the SSF and Holden’s scale for psychache into our work. I think even if I brought in the most ridiculous form of therapy, she might just be game. Though she has brought some ridiculous forms of therapy to me. The works of Janina Fisher seem a little bogus to me. But she believes in them so I have no chance of changing her mind. I met the lady and boy was it an eye opener to complete bullshit!!

another depressing day, sort of

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

Not having a great day. I had a crappy session with my therapist. We talked about the violations issue and she apologized. She had no idea that her nosiness was hurting me. We talked about having to set boundaries now where I only show her what I want her to read. I just hope that she can stick to them. I am so used to people trampling on me that you would think I am used to it by now. But when it is someone you trust, like a therapist, it kind of throws you out of whack. I still feel down about it and I hope that I get over it. But it’s so hard because I feel so hurt. I cried today for whatever reason, like sobbing hard. I can believe that my therapist would do this, it is just her nature to be nosey. But I told her we have to put a damper on what she reads. I know what I write can be seen by anyone on the internet and she should have the same rights as anyone else. But sometimes I just don’t want her to read what I write. If it something that she needs to read, I always send it to her via text message. Seeing as I no longer see her in person, I think this method has worked pretty well until now. I really think that just her excitement over finding my blog really is what caused her to go over the boundaries without her thinking through about what she was doing. Hell, one time she called me a fucker without thinking about it. We joked about it and she apologized about it. I could tell she felt bad about it. But this time I am not getting that same sense. Maybe I am just too hurt this time to feel her apology. And she knows what my life was like with intrusions left and right. As she put it, it was like she just charged her way into my room without knocking first, which essentially is what she did.

I think I am just down because I have not been able to leave my house since the Bon Jovi concert on Saturday. I did way too much standing and dancing but I had to because there were these two goons in front of me standing for most of the concert so when I sat down, all I saw were their backs. Then I had a marshal standing next to me who stood the whole time with his hand on his hip. It was so annoying. So when I did sit down, I had an elbow in my face. I had a good time. The music was awesome as usual but the sound sucked. I couldn’t make out the words to some songs, especially his new music, which I don’t have yet. I plan on getting it soon.

I have been in bed mostly all weekend and today and still my ankle/foot is acting up. I made it to my sister’s apartment on the first floor to make myself a cup of coffee. My first cup since Saturday. I hope I am able to go out tomorrow. I need to borrow my sister’s car to do some shopping before she goes away for camping. I was invited but I can’t do anything but sit and if I try to do a hike or something I am going to be laid up anyways. It just wouldn’t work for me.

I know I try to write every day so I am sorry for the few days I have not been able to write. I have been hit with the flare up and between sleeping off the pain meds and just being wonky from the meds, I had no inclination to write. Then I got hit with depression and it just killed my writing muse. But hopefully I am back now and won’t miss anymore days. I might make up some with posting twice a day with another paper or two. I have been thinking about it for a while now. I just published the one on therapists who panic when they hear suicide. My muse friend wants me to write one on relationships and suicide but I don’t think it would work. I have always told myself that I wouldn’t kill myself over someone. It just seems silly to me but people feel that they can’t go on unless someone is in their life and I get that. What they don’t know is that they can go on without them. Sure it hurts as hell in the beginning but as the song by Sara Evans says “you get a little but stronger” every day without them.

Today I got an email from a person that runs a Master’s degree in counseling program and she wanted to use my site as a resource for the program’s students. I feel so honored to have her choose my website. I hope that it helps future clinicians.

Today is my second day on my 4th week with the patch and guess what, I got my fucking menses. Though I don’t know how bad it is. I just had some bleeding. I needed this like a hole in the head. Now I know why I have been so down and listless the past few days. I also been getting wicked suicidal urges on and off the past day or so, which the damn menses causes. I don’t know why the bleeding always messes with me but I swear if I ever do attempt to kill myself it will be while bleeding. Just when I thought I could wear my boxers with confidence, this shit happens. I am beyond devastated but I told my doc I would stick it out for three months and at the end of the three months I will try something else. I can’t be having my menses while trying to transition. It just sets me back and makes me wish I was dead.