Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Saturday Blog 59

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 59

I woke up early this morning, in pain. My ankle was really bothering me. I took some pain meds and went back to sleep and pretty much slept until the afternoon. I had nothing planned so I could sleep. I thought of making coffee but never did and it’s too late now to have a cup.

I have been tracking the game on Twitter. They are losing 3-0 right now. Last night they won 9-0. Bats have been silent today, so far. I hope they comeback.

There is a movie on tonight with Marina Sirtis. She is the actress that played Deanna Troi in the Next Gen of Star Trek. I plan on watching it tonight with my mother. Don’t know how that is going to go down. I just hope she puts the fan on as it’s really hot in the house and I won’t be watching it in a hot room.

It’s really hot in the house despite the sun going down so I don’t know if I will be watching the movie. It’s nice and cool in my room. I am not one to watch TV shows anyway. But we’ll see.

I just took my meds and filled the box up again so I don’t have to do it tomorrow. The voices have been quiet but they still look at what I am doing and call me a junkie when I take my meds. That is the new word for me. I have been taking the trilafon at night or close to evening times than during the afternoon. It seems to be better but if I am out and about, then I will take it earlier. As long as I don’t get agitated, I seem to handle things ok.

I haven’t done any reading today other than the chapter I read while waiting for my pain meds to work this morning. I just can’t find the motivation to read today. I follow the author SE Hinton on Twitter and she was showing all her books in her shelves. She has quite a lot of books, more than I do. But then, she is older than I am so has been reading longer. I hope one day to have a room where there are a lot of bookcases to store my books and journals. She has her books arranged by subject. I just have mine where ever I can find a spot for it. Eventually, I would like to keep all my suicide books on the same shelf or bookcase. I have quite a lot of suicide journals and articles that needs a home. If I was organized and had a little of OCD, I bet I could get things done.

The Sox did lose today. I am not happy as every game from here on in counts toward the playoffs. It will really stink if we have another bad year or come so close only to lose. I am just glad we didn’t lose because of the long ball (home run). That would have been worse.

Lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Friday

I woke up before noon and made coffee. Then I made breakfast/lunch of a bacon and cheese sandwich. By the time I finished that, I was exhausted. I needed a nap and seeing as I wasn’t going out today, I napped. My mother called me around 1600 to let me know dinner was ready. I must have slept for at least 2.5 hours. I was having weird dreams so I am glad I woke up.

I didn’t do anything today. I went to bed really late last night as I just couldn’t sleep. I was reading well into the wee hours of the morning, which is why I was so tired today. I think I will read some Adler when I go retrieve the binder when I empty my recycling bin. I haven’t been outside all day. Mostly just been in my room.

The Sox game is on late tonight and probably will be all weekend. They are on the west coast and I hate the games because they are on so late, which means I am up late watching or hearing them play. Last night’s game went to extra innings so didn’t get over till after 0100. I was wired by then, whether the espresso I had earlier in the day had something to do with it, who knows. I tell myself I am not going to watch it then I do then I regret it as I am up all night.

I was reading three books last night. I started with Dostoevsky. Then I decided to read some Lawrence Block. In the wee hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to read a book about fieldstones in writing. It was annoying me so I had to put it down and then I finally fell asleep. It was a good book to let your mind wander about things as you are trying to sleep. I have a friend that uses this “stone method” in her writing. It works for her. Unfortunately, I still haven’t found my niche for writing. I just go on the fly. Whatever comes, comes and if it doesn’t, I really don’t give a shit.

While I was in the kitchen this morning, there were several flies on the screens. I thought they were outside but they were actually in the house. I played fly swatterer for a while before I cooked my breakfast. It was kind of a fun game. I still have no idea how they got in the house. They are gone now though.

Writing Itch 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing itch 3

My writing itch continues. I am afraid that it started when I was reading a book about writing a novel. I have no clue how to write a novel nor do I ever plan on writing one because, frankly, I am not that creative. I basically write about my experiences in my blog and then if I feel that particular blog is good, I store it in my “book” folder to be published later. I feel like I am writing a second memoir though it’s really just short stories about mental illness, particularly about psychosis. I was going to throw in a story about narcissism but it was too close to my father and I just couldn’t write about it without thinking about him.

Speaking of him, I still haven’t cried for him, at all, since his death three months ago. I get sad about this but how can you cry when you are relieved he is gone? That the terror you felt as a child and an adult is finally out of life for good? I can’t call him a “dad” because he wasn’t one in any sense of the word. To me, he will always be my father and that is all.

I am wicked tired but I can’t sleep because of this writing itch. I like that I get into these itches but what I write is garbage. They are just words on a screen. I don’t even know if I make sense. I was feeling tired earlier this evening. I should have napped then but then I would probably wake up at this hour and be doing what I am doing. Writing nonsense.

I added a story to my book. I am up to 115 pages so far. I have 85 pages to go. Once I finish reading the Adler chapter, I think I am going to write some pages from the Daily Post word prompts that I have been saving. I think it will do me some good to write them. Lord knows I have enough notebooks to write my stories in them. I just hope that I write at least 850 words per word prompt. That is my word goal. If I write more than that, so be it, but I want each prompt to be at least 850 words.

I finally broke down and wrote to my favorite author, Lawrence Block. I felt like I had to because it felt important to me that he should know how I feel about his work. I don’t know if I will get a response or not. But at least I told him my feelings.

Today, there was something on Facebook about ISIS. It set me off in my delusions. I also read my blogs from March 2015 and realized my delusions started then about ISIS. I am really surprised that neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist gave any weight to my delusions. I think if they did, I probably wouldn’t be struggling today with so much psychotic symptoms. Of course, this is all in hindsight. This stuff won’t be making it’s way into my book because I am not sure of copyright issues and stuff. I just have been calling them snakeheads because they are being controlled by alien parasites that look like snakes, though they are far more uglier than snakes. Still scares me though.

Tomorrow I am going to try and sweep the stairs of the dust that has accumulated on there since the last sweeping. I will try and wash them as well but it all depends on if my back cooperates with me or not. Lately, the slights movement and it seems to go out on me. I made dinner tonight and had to sit down while cooking because the spasms were so intense. I don’t know why it gets like that. Drives me crazy.

Adler and Espresso

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up till after 0200 and didn’t want to wake up early despite my mother calling me around 10 to put something defrosting in the fridge. I slept till around 1300 and forced myself to get up. I had to anyway because I had to go to the bathroom. I then flitted on the laptop until it was time to get dressed to catch the bus.

I had 5 shots espresso today and it was really strong. Maybe because I didn’t really dilute it that much with soy milk like I did yesterday. If I go out tomorrow, I will just get 4 shots. I read the chapter I am working on. I now know why Adler lost many followers with his psychology, even though by outward appearance it looks good. It really denounces psychopathology and I feel “blames” the patient for their shortcomings. I hate psychology like that. I doubt you could be suicidal with this type of therapist, which is sad.

There is a workshop going on in Texas right now called Stop Texas Suicides, or something like that. I have been following because my favorite people are there, including Jobes. I adore him. He is my hero. I hope someday I am as good a therapist as he is, if I ever go back to school to finish my degree.

My mother was bitching at me today because I went to Starbucks. She doesn’t understand that I need to get out of the house. Yes, I have coffee for the house but if I drink it, I can’t really go out and have coffee at Starbucks. I am sure people just go there with their own coffee and just sit and use their wifi or read the paper or book. But I feel that is not right. Plus I like buying their sandwiches and having the espresso drinks. I doubt I can ever get an espresso machine. I really would never leave the house. And besides, there is something different when someone makes the drink for you than you making it yourself.

My Starbucks funds are starting to run low so tomorrow I will be having coffee at home. I just hope I can read the chapter while at home. I am more than half way through so I know I can finish it by this weekend. And even though it’s 62 pages, the last 5 or so are references and other crap relating to Adler so it’s not really reading text.

I have had to start putting when I take the trilafon in my medication app so I know when I last took my medication. Last night I was in a quandary as to whether or not I took my evening dose and didn’t want to double up if I did take it. It’s difficult because I don’t put the med in with my night meds because sometimes I don’t need the extra dose. It’s so hard to keep track of when I take it.

Despite drinking all that espresso, I feel a nap coming on. I am just worn out with the heat. I made dinner tonight for my mother and I. We had hamburgers so I got to use the rolls that I bought. I didn’t buy more meat but I will if I do decide to go out tomorrow. I have gone out three days this week. But I got a lot accomplished. If only I can decide what book to read next, I would be set. That was part of the reason I couldn’t sleep last night. I wanted to read something but couldn’t decide what. I really wanted to read some more Adler but the chapter was on the first floor and I didn’t want to go down and get it. I had already done my share of stair climbing that day. And I did today too, because I left my glasses in my bag. I probably will grab it later, if I feel like it.