Tag: sleep

All I want to do is sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

All I want to do is sleep

I had a very rough night last night. I was so exhausted, I couldn’t sleep. Then this doctor made a tweet that really made me angry. So we exchanged words last night, well after midnight. I was so pissed, I couldn’t calm down. And my foot wasn’t helping because soon as I would relax, it flared up in pain. I had taken a strong pain pill to see if that helped. It did bring the pain down, made me a little high, and was about to knock me out but I just couldn’t relax enough to sleep.

My sister reminded me that I had to babysit and as the hours passed by, I knew I was going to be fucked for the day. I think I finally did fall asleep around 0330 and then woke up about 5 hours later. I checked my phone to see if I needed to go downstairs and there were no messages so I tried to sleep. I did for an hour or so. I then tried calling my niece to see if she was okay and there was no answer. She doesn’t pick up the phone. It is really annoying. So I went downstairs to check on her to find she wasn’t at home. My older niece told me that she had gone to the park. So that left me to do whatever I wanted to do.

I went back up to my room, with the intention of going back to sleep but my stomach was doing flip flops. Then I got hungry. I made a bagel with cream cheese and then went back to my room. I couldn’t sleep. I was wicked exhausted and still am. A couple of hours went by so I decided to make lunch and then try again to sleep. I was successful this go around. Least until my mother called me to help fix dinner. Her sugar dropped so she needed help. We had asparagus and eggs for supper. I would have had the cauliflower but I was so full off the asparagus I couldn’t eat it.

I finally got a response back from my psychiatrist. She wants me to keep her posted. I might page her tomorrow, just to talk. Part of the reason I couldn’t sleep was because the voices were talking to me the whole fucking time. They were keeping me up with their endless chatter. I wanted to take a trilafon last night but I never got the chance. I was so upset over what that doctor had said that it really agitated me. I was going to blog about it and actually started one but never got done because I was so tired.

I texted my therapist to call me or let me know if there was an appointment available. I haven’t heard anything back. It’s really warm today so I didn’t want to go out in the condition I was in. It would have made me more tired. I am going to take my meds early tonight and hope I sleep until tomorrow morning, like at least after 0400! Pain is still there but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t flare up again. My suicidality has increased over the pain the last three days. It wouldn’t be good to have a fourth night of pain.

Broken Sleep Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Broken Sleep Sucks

I woke up at 0300 today and it sucked. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom nor was I in pain. I just woke up. I didn’t even have a bad dream. I took an Ativan because I wanted to get back to sleep. Within a half hour, I did. It really sucks and then I woke up four hours later. I am going to need coffee soon. I got a fricken headache and it’s really bright outside. I hope I don’t get a migraine.

I am feeling really sad. I feel like I need to talk to someone. I thought about paging my psychiatrist but it’s really early and I don’t want to alarm her. Last night I went through my old address book and found the paging number that I didn’t have in my phone. It was driving me crazy because you get a person when you call rather than just punching numbers in with the other number that I have.

Facebook has this memory thing that shows pictures you posted a few years ago. Today it showed my swollen leg when I was in the hospital four years ago. Funny how things have not changed. My leg is still swollen and no one knows why. I have a lump on my leg. I really want to cut it open some times and let the fluid out. I feel this way when I am in a psychotic state. I guess you can say four years ago is when I started taking the abilify daily rather than PRN. And I can’t mess with the dose because I will become psychotic or delusional. If I miss a dose, I am in trouble. It’s so weird because I never was like this when I was younger. Seems that when I get older the worse my psychotic symptoms became. I am just glad I only need abilify to control the symptoms and an occasional trilafon when I have breakthrough psychosis. I really like trilafon. It is my go to when all else fails. They have changed it over the years. It used to be a gray sugar coated pill. Now it’s just a plain white pill. I used to call it candy so I could trick the voices into taking it. It’s a little bit more difficult to trick them now because there is no sugar coating on the pill.

I am feeling really sad. My sister hasn’t called me yet to ask if I am going to see my father. I really don’t want to see him but I feel that I should. It’s just so hard seeing him so frail. And knowing that it’s just going to get worse makes me even sadder. I think he will die in two weeks time but I could be wrong. He does eat breakfast but won’t eat lunch or dinner because he is full. We have tried to get him to drink Ensure but he is used to the bottle and what they have in the nursing home is a juice box type of container. My father is very particular about things. He won’t take something that is different from what he is used to. We might have to bring in a bottle so maybe he will drink it.

I feel so frustrated because there is nothing that I can do to help him. I really hope that the state health insurance kicks in soon or we are screwed. I am also pissed off because the damn social worker never returned my phone calls. In his voicemail message he says that he returns calls “promptly”. Yea right! I have only been waiting two days. How promptly is that? I hope he calls on Monday even though it is a holiday.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of the Boston bombings of the Boston Marathon. Hard to believe it has been three years since it has happened. There were 264 survivors. Most of them have lost a limb or two because of the injuries they had. I will never forget the people that died that day and the officer that died the following day when the pictures of the suspects were posted. The officer died a needless death. It is so sad. He was a cop in my town and every year a local bakery runs a charity event to honor him.

I am still torn about going to the hospital. I kind of want to get evaluated by the ER and see if they think I should be inpatient or not. I have some suicidal tendencies but they come and go. Last night, I had some urges to kill myself. I distracted and ignored them. I tried to think of other things. I think I watched three episodes of Friends. It helped make me laugh. I love Joey and Rachel. The show is really funny. It really helped to calm my urges. Music also helps. I think I just want someone to make the decision for me as I just can’t decide if I want to go in or not. I plan on bringing a bag of clothes with me just in case it doesn’t go in my favor. Like I think I won’t be admitted because I just want to talk. I will have to conceal my suicidality otherwise I am at risk for admission. I hate lying but sometimes you just have to. I won’t go to the hospital where my psych is. I will go to the local hospital where they know me.

I am preparing a bag but I haven’t put stuff in it yet. I have written out the medication that I take. It’s easier to give them the paper than trying to remember doses and names. I always seem to miss one when I try to recall from memory all that I take. I didn’t put Neurontin down because I only take it PRN. They think I take it three times a day but I don’t. I have been on it for years so I know that taking a dose here and there helps me more than taking it every day. I will write the story I plan on telling in another blog. I really have to be careful with what I say. If they decide to admit me, I am kind of screwed. My father could die and I won’t be there. That will just break my heart.

So Tired I Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So Tired I can’t Sleep

I have been taking pain meds for most of the day because my ankle is killing me. I was hoping for a nap but I never got one. Even now I feel like I could lie down but sleep will elude me. I think I need to take an Ativan. I just feel sort of restless. I am nervous that my pain will keep me from going out tomorrow night. I haven’t seen my friends in at least two months. We were supposed to go out last month but my friend got sick and we had to postpone. I will be upset with myself if I cancel the last minute. I want to go out but that is going to be hard for me to walk. I will take my cane, anyways, just in case the pain becomes bad again.

I can’t wait to talk to my therapist. We have a lot to discuss. I really want to talk to her about the last chapter I read in the Suicidology book. It was interesting to me because it stated that by law, mental health professionals are under no obligation to provide decent care. Yet for suicidal care, the standards are lower. I find this interesting and infuriating. The author redeemed himself by stating that “no Harm” contracts are rubbish toward the end of the chapter and may be more harmful than anything. I find it interesting that the author didn’t cite a psychologist that wrote an article about “no harm” contracts. I am starting to think this book is biased toward psychiatry than the mental health profession as a whole.

I am finding it difficult to write still. I haven’t worked on my book in so long. I should organize some of the documents that I want in the book in a folder so I know which ones I am thinking of publishing. I have it in my mind but I can’t trust it lately. I forget after a while and if I don’t do this, I am screwed when it comes time to put things together. I am still working on my root story. Maybe tomorrow morning I will have a look at it and see if I can write some more. The owl stuff that I was thinking about never materialized. Though, I could put it in the root story somehow. I am percolating a story about narcissism. I just need to do a little more research before I can write it. I’m trying to justify buying a $90 messenger bag with a Pearl Jam logo on it. I think if I can do some writing for the month of February, it can be my writing reward.

I had a cup of tea to settle the queasy feeling in my stomach. I haven’t had anything to eat since this morning. When I got up from not being able to nap, I had some pop tarts. That is all that I ate today. An egg burrito and a couple of pop tarts. I just have no appetite today. I hope it returns tomorrow because I will be going out to eat with my friends. It drives me crazy that I am either really hungry or not at all some days. Either way, it is not a good habit for trying to losing weight.

I was writing in my journal tonight. I started at 0125 this morning so I have had a very bad day trying to sleep. I hope I am not becoming manic again. I don’t see how as I have been taking my meds. I haven’t been taking my blood pressure pills but that is because I am out of them and my doctor’s office hasn’t called it in yet. If I don’t get them tomorrow, I will call the office and see what the hold up is. I should have gotten them last week when I saw the NP but she was running late and I had things on my mind that weren’t medication related so I forgot. I should have written it down or at least put it in my phone to remind myself. I always forget the phone has a memo thing on it. I guess you can say I am old school and haven’t caught up to technology yet.

I feel like watching a movie. Lincoln is a good movie to watch when you are tired. I know the movie by heart so I know when to snooze but I don’t remember where I put the DVD. I know it’s in the Gone with the Wind DVD but I don’t know where that is right now. I would have to get up and look for it but that risks aggravating my ankle. Not going to happen. I will look for it tomorrow.

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.