Tag: suicidality

I am lazy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Bitch rant

I have to complain about my game that I play consistently, on a daily basis, a few times a day. I love that this game gives you missions to complete but now they are getting ridiculous! For even the missions have missions. And you need the help of your neighbors to complete them or you might as well kiss the mission goodbye. I have opened other Facebook accounts just to play this game and then I realized the other day that I am just playing against myself! But unless you have a “neighbor” to give you all that you need every day, there is no other way to win the game/mission. Unless you spend money on the game for horseshoes. I used to do that when I was working. Now I pick and choose when to get horseshoes. I know none of this is making sense because I don’t think anyone plays Pioneer Trail on Facebook but if you do, don’t start. I have a lower level account and finished ONE stinking mission and got NINE, 9!!! In its place!!!

Talked with my therapist today. Though I don’t know if you want to call it really talking. She was quiet today. So I was too. Weird how that worked out because usually she is excessively talking about something. We talked about the transgender issues again and she pulled a name out of a hat, another doctor for me to see. I told her she doesn’t get that I don’t want to see any more doctors. I am DONE seeing doctors. The only one that I want to see if my primary care doctor and that is it. I don’t want to see any of his colleagues either. Unless I develop another fricken problem, I am not seeing another doctor. I know this doctor is different and will help with the transgender stuff. But there is a chance she could be another bitch that refuses to listen to me and then where will I be? What if she deems me too suicidal and decides that treatment for transgender is just too much for me. I can’t go through that type of rejection. It will kill me.

We also talked about the consultant. I wanted her to have him as a support and she only wanted to hear that I will see him again. Well I can’t because I can’t afford him, not with my insurance. I hate my insurance but I have to make do with it. But I can’t see an out of network doctor and this consultant is that.

I don’t remember what else we talked about. I really wasn’t in the mood for talking. I just wanted to go back to sleep. I have the same time appointment tomorrow to talk with her. Yay…not.

I didn’t work on my book today. I felt like crap too much to do much of anything. I didn’t even make myself coffee. I should start psyching myself up now to maybe leave the house tomorrow and get coffee. I knew that having Keurig cups was going to be the death of me. Why should I leave the house when I have coffee at home. And I have two different flavors of Starbucks coffee. I have the house blend and my Pike’s coffee. Both are sooooo good. But I need to get out of the house. I have been in since Saturday, maybe? I don’t even know the last time I left the house, oh dear. That should tell you something…And tomorrow is Wednesday. So almost three days in the house. I don’t think I have showered since Sunday.

And to make the day worse, my favorite catcher for the Red Sox is now going to a National team, the Marlins. Great. Now I got to deal with the likes of a guy’s name I can’t even begin to spell. You say it Perninski, but there is a z and J in there somewhere. I have to look it up and I am too lazy.

moments 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, transgender

Moments

There have been many moments where I find myself thinking about suicide and moments where I wanted to act upon them very badly. Right now is one of those moments. I am suffering under a heavy coat of depression caused by physical pain and now mental pain because my body has gone back into female mode and I have my menses again. I wish I could say that I like it but I don’t. It kills me when I get it. I just feel so empty and despairing and there is no one I can talk to about it. I know I should seriously just end my life and leave people wondering why because that will be easier than trying to tell them I killed myself because I am in the wrong body. Even though I have tried to explain myself to a couple of people I still get called the “proper” pronoun and gender pronoun given this biological body. I must be crazy thinking that I am a male. And it hurts. I am hurting because I cannot get away from my menses. They can put a man on the moon yet they cannot stop this hurt. WTF. I was hoping it was just spotting but the true colors came out as I went to the bathroom just a few minutes ago. Just lovely. Here I am trying to finish my book and now I got to deal with this? I really just want to die. It’s bad enough that I have pain, physical pain that is so putting me over the top. But no one believes me when I tell them I want to be a male. My psychiatrist that I have known forever still calls me a “her”. I don’t tell her it bothers me because I am afraid that I will break down. I have never stood up for myself. Even when my father called me “his daughter”, I wanted to scream at him that I was really his son. I took a lot of meds tonight to deal with my pain, this was before my little trip to the bathroom. I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds and muscle relaxers. Moments like these I wish I took too much. But I can’t risk having my mother or sister find my body in that state. It would devastate them to no end. Not like my death won’t do that to them anyways, but it’s better to remember me some other way. I am a transgender and that is why I want to die. I don’t think anyone can help me with this. I am too far gone. I am too far developed. But if only my menses could be stopped permanently would I not think about suicide all the time. Meds are kicking in really fast so I will end here. And unfortunately, I know that I will wake up tomorrow. That is truly a pity. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or any other day. My life revolves around stuff that I don’t want it to be. Now I have to keep track of the bleeding and when it started and I just don’t want to. I just want to die. I just don’t want to exist anymore. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand that I would be better off dead. My psychiatrist would want me to call her right now but it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I don’t want to bother her with my mundane argument. We have had these go rounds before and they usually, almost always, result in me going to the hospital for more mundane treatment. Moments like this, I wish there was a switch that could just end my life. And poof I will be gone…

a jumble of things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome

I was sleepy today. I stayed in bed most of the day to try and give my leg some rest. I am getting hungry even though I just had a small pizza and cherry pie. I guess because I didn’t eat much yesterday, it is catching up with me today. I really want to order a burger with avocado but I am holding off for now on that.

I tried writing my intro and I think I have it ok enough. I might look at it tomorrow and make changes. I want to have this book done by January so I can be ready for the editor when she is ready for it. I also took down the names of the chapters that I have so far. I have to type them up tonight. I have been busy and I have not had a cup of coffee. I probably should. Maybe it will dampen my appetite.

I tried to find the blog I wrote about grief but I think I forgot to tag it as such. And of course, I don’t remember what I called it. I know it is recent though. I will go through my blogs and see if I can find it. Another mission that requires coffee!

I am feeling really down. Not suicidal down, but down to the point where I don’t want to do anything but just sleep. I was up late last night playing my stupid game. I just realized that by me having multiple accounts, I am just playing against myself. How is that for fun! But there are only a few players that play consistently to give you stuff so it is hard getting all the stuff you are requesting. I know I am probably just rambling on here about the stupid game but it really annoys me.

I really don’t want to be here anymore, and I don’t mean in my room. I think the book is getting to me. It’s giving me anxiety that I never dealt with before and I don’t like it. I was writing the intro today and I had to stress I wasn’t a medical professional because I don’t want people to read this and think yea I got it and go by my suggestions on what to do. I don’t have any suggestions. I might post them on this blog but I will post a disclaimer just in case someone does something and they get injured by it. I have to do that because everyone loves to sue somebody in the US. I think it’s because of lawyers. I hate lawyers but they have to earn their living. I just don’t understand why it has to be at someone else’s expense. A Corporation I can see, but a person, that is going too far.

So I am going to order a California burger because I need meat and pray that it is not dried out and disgusting. I should order the Taza Chocolate with cinnamon but that might be going overboard.

And it was a good burger. HUGE but good. I didn’t finish it all. It was like having two whoppers! But I loved eating the avocado. I wish I would remember to buy them when I am in the store but I never do.

I still am feeling low. I am thinking once more of killing myself. I don’t think I will act on it. It’s just that the thoughts are there. Whenever I get low, that is my go to place. I can’t stand living like this. My ankle is starting to hurt. I am so full from that burger that my stomach hurts. I only had ¾’s of it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Why do I have to live when I don’t want to? Why does society demand that this is not right thinking? I bet if they felt this pain they would want to die too. I know everyone’s pain is different but come on, I have been suffering enough.

it sucks living with CES

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.

I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.

Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?