“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166
Tag: suicide attempt
Death Dates
Death dates
Whenever I am suicidal, I pick a date that I want to kill myself on. Then if I don’t want to die on that day, I don’t have to go through with it. So far, I am still alive. It was a close call my last date because I wanted to die very badly. I had enough of living and figured it was the only way out of the situation I was in. But my therapist and psychiatrist got me through it. I felt cheated and angry they stopped me. The only thing that got me through was picking another date. This time it is almost a month a way from now. It is how I manage being intensely suicidal. Trouble is, I am not feeling terribly suicidal at this time. Suicide is furthest from my mind, yet I have this date in mind and I am thinking about going through with it anyway just so I don’t have to suffer anymore pain like I have tonight.
My therapist knows about this date but my psychiatrist doesn’t, least not yet. I don’t know if I am going to remind either of them of this plan. I don’t even know how I am going to die. Sure, I have a few ideas but I am not going to do them in my room where a family member will find me. No, I want to be found by a stranger some place away from home. I would love for it to be a hotel room but I don’t have the money to do the deed. How sad is that? Here I want to kill myself and I can’t basically afford to do it in a place I would like to do it in. There has been no downward circumstances to cause me to think about this date. I just wanted it to be before my birthday.
For some reason, my 9th anniversary of my cauda equina syndrome diagnosis is coming up in two weeks and it is bothering me. Normally the day passes and I don’t even notice. But I marked it on my calendar and the memories of that time period have been flooding back. I remember not being able to move my left leg at all because it was too weak. I lost a lot of strength with this surgery. I had to have a blood patch because I had a CSF leak and then I had to be operated again because a fragment of the disc was embedded in my nerve root causing me these problems. It was not a fun time. I then got a nice UTI that made me sick. The antibiotics made me sicker and then they discharged me only for me to come back to the ER the next day for fluids as I was shitting my brains out. I was very sick. But that surgery and the rehab afterwards failed to notice my current problem and that is why I am disabled today. That is why I have pain every day of my life for the past three years. That is why I cannot walk more than a few blocks at a time. My walking distance is 0.4 miles which isn’t much considering that I was once able to walk 20 miles without a problem. Sure I was sore the next day but that was to be expected. But now I can barely walk a mile without pain. And I leak urine if I walk too much. That is something that I have no control over. This is one of the reasons why I want to end my life. I am tired of the pain, the leaks, the immobility. But that is just the physical side of things. It has nothing to do with the mental side.
The mental side I am very depressed. I see no future but lately I have been. It’s been tough to see but I think things are not as bleak as they have been in the past. Despite my physical disability, I am able to look ahead. Just yesterday, I decided on the place where my sisters and I will eat out on my birthday, should I leave this date that I have planned. Four weeks I have to decide to go through with it or not. I know my therapist and psych would rather I not talk about this. Perhaps, they might not want to know about it. I just think that if I want to die, the decision should be left up to me and not my treaters. Sure they have the legal right to hospitalize me against my will but that will not stop the thoughts or planning. Am I a danger to myself? Not today. Will I soon? I don’t know. Depends on a few things.
Suicidal vs Suicide
Suicidal vs. Suicide
I got this from a fellow blogger. I somewhat corrected it so it wasn’t a run on sentence. But it’s mostly the author’s words. Original had “committed suicide” instead of “dying by suicide” which is important to recognize. That is the only words I changed.
“When someone ends up dying by suicide, everyone is there, they feel bad, they say they didn’t “see the signs”. They talk about how amazing you were and so forth. But if you tell someone you’re suicidal, everything is different. No one wants to solve the problem, matter of fact, half the time they act like it isn’t a problem, that you won’t ever “do it”, that it will just “go away”/ They treat it like a joke, well let me tell you something, being suicidal isn’t a joke. People do consider it as an only option, and treating the problem like it doesn’t matter will not get you anywhere. The only place it’s going to get you is a funeral. If someone tells you they’re suicidal, don’t push them away. Instead try to be the one to keep them here.”—realadvicebro.tumblr.com
World Suicide Prevention Day 2015
World Suicide Prevention Day 2015
As many of you that read my blog every day know that I struggle with suicidality constantly when I am in the darkness of my depression. I know writing has been a source of comfort and coping in dealing with these strong feelings. I have not shared suicide numbers before because I don’t think they belong on my blog. But for those that are reading this, it may help someone to talk to or text to in a crisis situation. So please, take down these numbers. Put them in a place that is safe to you, a journal, a notebook, your contact list on your phone, anywhere you might think might be helpful in an emergency and call the number.
The first number is for US only residents 1-800-273-8255. Text support to 741741 again US residents only. It MAY take some time to get to through. I know when I texted the first time, there was a 40 minute wait. I know that might seem like an eternity to someone in crisis but please hang in there and someone will get to you. If the numbers don’t work (I am human after all), please leave a comment and I will fix it. It maybe be that it no longer is in service anymore (text number). There are other resources, if you are interested. Just do a google search to find them. Wikipedia might have some too. If I find some on Twitter, I will retweet them to my page. So far they haven’t sent any numbers or website to actually help those in need just to know the warning signs, which to me, is not too helpful for those with chronic suicidality.
midnightdemons7 
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