Tag: suicide attempt

Your Word

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache, psychosis, suicide, suicide attempt

I think I should just give up sleep. I just can’t get sleepy tonight. I have my head racing a mile a minute and the voices won’t shut up so I am playing music because it is the only thing that calms me down. I had to go up on my meds to quiet them out. I love when I have three conversations going on in my head at once. It gets loud and noisy. Drives me crazy. Just picture a crowded lunch room with a bunch of people talking at once. That is what is going on in my head right now. Doesn’t help that I should not have had the sausage for dinner. My stomach is killing me. I just took some antacid. I wish I could fall asleep but it just isn’t happening. I am too wound up. The voices keep asking me questions. What am I doing? what am I writing? How am I feeling? What do you think of this? What do you think of that? UGH I just want to sleep and they just don’t get it. Least they aren’t telling me what to do. But I am scared the new voices, the ones that are having a big conversation might turn against me. Then I will have to go to the hospital. I would hate that.

I don’t know why I have been so angry lately, more annoyed, than I have been. Started with someone calling me a bullshitter. I am not. I can’t even if I tried and then you will know that it is. I did realize that if I don’t go through with my plans to end my life, I will be breaking a promise to myself and I don’t know if I can live with that because I have let myself down so many times. That is why I keep future dates. But this time I really mean it. I am not going to see 2014. I just can’t face another year of being in pain. I know I should learn to live with it but I just can’t. I can’t break a promise to myself that I will end the suffering. What started this all was reading today’s AAS (American Association of Suicidology) blog. I felt like I could go on if only I could live with the pain. But I can’t. It’s too unbearable. It might not be all the time. It might not be every day. But when it hits, I just want to curl up and die. But instead I am just popping pills. I am a pill popper. And I don’t like it. I am ashamed of it. But with out these pills, I am in horrific pain. And isn’t it better that I am not in pain while popping these pills? It’s a catch 22 and you can’t eat your cake too. Though I would have loved some cake tonight. I miss having desserts. I used to have pie all the time when I was at work but then the pies got sucky and I switched to cake. Some cakes were better than others. I wouldn’t eat the frosting, just the cake part because that is what I like, with a little bit of frosting not a glob. Though sometimes in my moods for chocolate, I will eat the frosting, if it isn’t too sweet. But I digress…

Right now my stomach and throat hurt. Not because of the same reasons. I knew I shouldn’t have had the greasy sausage so that is why my stomach is acting up. My throat is acting up because I still have whatever virus or bacteria I caught last week. I have the A/c going because it is quite warm in my room and humid. I cannot stand humidity. So now I am freezing in my winter pjs and have my comforter on. Oh well.

What does your word mean if you don’t keep it? I mean we all make promises to ourselves all the time. We promise to go on a diet, to go to the gym, etc. but what if you make a promise to kill yourself? How can you not keep that promise when it means so much to you? I am struggling with that question. I mean if you give your word to someone, you generally keep it, least I do. That is why I am still here. Because I have kept my word to her that I would not kill myself. But what about my word to myself? Don’t I get the same kind of respect? Am I disrespecting myself by not keeping my word to MYSELF? I don’t know. Maybe promises to yourself are meant to be broken and only those for others are to be kept. It just hurts that I have to live to please others when I am disrespecting myself knowing that I should be dead.

Also what has been ticking me off is that the prez of the AAS thinks he can stop suicide from ever happening. He is fooling himself. I half want to say to him, dude, if you can save me you can save the world but I don’t tell him my true feelings. How can I in 140 characters on twitter? Even the founder of the AAS has stated that he does not want to live in a world where suicide doesn’t exist. Suicide is and always will be an individual choice that no one else can make but you. So why am I still hanging on?

Am I still a midnight demon?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache

I am up again in pain. I am thinking of changing my name from midnight demon to something else as I no longer write in the wee hours of the morning anymore. I guess I wrote in the wee hours because I was up late from my job and couldn’t sleep because of the dark thoughts that I had. Now I write at any time I feel like it, morning, afternoon, evening, or even after the midnight hour. I have the time to write more now that I am no longer working. I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad. But least I have the flexibility to do it.

Like I said I am in pain. My throat is killing me again. I thought it was getting better but I guess not. I plan on calling my primary’s office soon as they are open to see if I can come in sooner than Thursday. This is just getting ridiculous. The pain is much less than it was but still, I have to take my pain meds to quiet it down and I don’t like using my meds for something as benign as throat pain. The cough syrup helps but it only lasts about a half hour to an hour, which is about the time my meds kick in. I know I don’t have strep because I think I would feel worse than what I have been feeling. Who would have thought that a sneeze can cause all this. I think I might have an infection. If I don’t they I really screwed up my throat muscles or connective tissues when I had that horrific sneeze.

The pain is not bad enough that I am thinking of killing of myself but then, pain doesn’t have to happen for me to think about it. I just keep wondering how it will be when I am dead. To not be able to feel anymore, to not hurt psychologically anymore. To not actually be dead when I already feel dead inside. Since work ended, I thought that things would change for the better but I still feel the same. I might not have the same pressures I did when I was working, the whole being at work on time and dealing with the idiots at work, but I still feel this pressure on my chest every day. Sometimes it is so bad, I can’t breath. I know my respiratory system does my breathing anyway but it just feels like I can’t breath because of this weight. I guess even though the job is away, the psychache isn’t. I still have the psychological pain, pressure, and press. What made me want to kill myself to get away from my job, I now want to get away because I can’t stand living. I know that if I had some purpose to my life I would probably feel better. If I had some direction or something to do other than just thinking of writing or playing my internet games, maybe I wouldn’t feel so low. But it’s hard when your depression causes you to feel unmotivated. I could have cleaned my room twice over by now if I had the energy to do so but I don’t. I look at the mess and I just get overwhelmed with it and say the hell with it. I have no where to put my clothes anyway. I can’t hang them up as my closet is full already and so is my one bureau. My room is small enough that it cannot fit another one. I bought a bookcase for my room thinking I could fit some clothes on it but it got full with all the books that I have lying around. I buy a lot of books. I am currently reading like 5 books right now, though really, I am just spending most of my time on one. But even reading I have a hard time doing sometimes. It takes a lot of energy for me to read for an hour. The book that I am reading interests me but I can only pay attention to it for so long before I want to go to sleep or go back on twitter. I am a Twitter addict, I confess.

I had read a few short books for a friend so I could review them. That was something to do. The hard part was actually writing the review. The books left a positive impression but I couldn’t get it out on word. This is the third time that I have written a review for my friend. I am thinking of doing that for all the books I read from now on. It doesn’t take long to do it. But there are some books like the suicide books I read that are a bit technical for some people. They may not be a favorite but it is good to have a review for people to read. I wish I had done that for the suicidology book I bought. That book, you would think would be a textbook on the working of suicidology, actually sucked. It just talked about what I call the outer layer of suicide. If a person is suicidal, this is what you do rather than what you do to help the person. The book is not empirically based, least I don’t think it is from what I remember. But then some time has past since I last looked at the book.

Why do I love reading about suicide? Because I think that if I understand it better, I can help myself so I can be less suicidal. But back in 2012, when I was at the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology, I realized that I am a hopeless case. That I will never get better because I cannot find someone to stand the pain with me. My therapist tries, but she gets anxious when I talk about suicide and then we spend more time talking about other stuff than what is important. I recently asked her if we can talk about the roots of my suicidality and didn’t learn much about it. I started thinking of suicide when I was eight years old. I had tremendous pain at that age that no one knew about. I learned to live with it all this time by not speaking about it. Why was I in pain? I don’t know. My memory is not as good as it once was. They say that all the answers lie inside you but for answering why I was suicidal I have no clue. I don’t know why I was in pain. I could have been in pain because I did not have a happy childhood. I had an abusive father and an abusive mother that was sexually interested in me. I also did not believe that I was a girl growing up. I wanted to be Mike but I couldn’t show it or even speak of it for fear of getting the shit kicked out of me. Maybe that is the reason for my pain. I don’t know. But whatever that is causing this pain is making my life intolerable.

things you have control of

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I slept most of the day because I didn’t sleep most of the night. Around five, after my mother ate her dinner, she had a hypoglycemic episode. I heard her yell something so came down the stairs. She was trying to get up off the couch but she couldn’t. I am glad because she could have fallen head first into the coffee table. I gave her some sugar water and when that didn’t work I gave her some OJ. Finally her sugar went up to normal and before bed she had something to eat as her sugar was “low” at 128. I don’t know why her sugars have been down but I think it is because she cleaned the bathroom and didn’t have any snacks in between.

This is the second time in two weeks she has had this episode. While this cause my adrenaline to get pumped up, afterwards I was wiped out. Even though I had slept most of the day, the up caused me to get down real quick. I had a bowl of cereal. I had talked to my therapist earlier that day but had no recollection of what we talked about. I know she is going to call my psychiatrist and tell her what is going on. I feel like I am being ratted out but she feels like my psychiatrist should know my plans.

A friend of mine sent me her book on penpals. I am to write a review after I read it. I am in the early chapters but am moving along. So far it is an OK book and I am hoping by the end of the main character’s trip, she meets up with her childhood Penpal.

I just had my morning coffee. No Isla Flores today as it is raining out and I just don’t feel like getting wet. I did take a shower today and brushed my teeth, something that I have not been doing in a few days. I know most people that read this will have no idea why I write about it. It is because with depression, those things are forgotten about. I know you might be thinking, big deal, but for those with depression, it is a big deal. It is all about self-care and those are the basics things that need to be done. You might not need to shower every day, but you do need to brush your teeth. I have been so bad I might do it 3-4 days of the week. Or just when I shower, which is usually every other day. It is hard to remember to brush because I have gotten so out of the habit. I can’t really brush in the morning because I have bad post nasal drip (PND) that gags me and if I try to brush, I will vomit. So I have to do it when I am not feeling so nauseated by the PND.

For two days this week, I was feeling really good, almost totally euphoric. But something happened on the middle of the second day and I have been feeling “normal” aka my baseline, since then. I am waiting for a crash to happen. I also have had no appetite during this period. My appetite came back today. I woke up feeling really hungry so made myself an egg with toast. I then needed to take a shower because the egg yolk spurted out onto my t-shirt. I hate when that happens.

My friend that sent me a book, sent me another book about dogs, also to review. I had a hard time choosing between which one to read first as I like dogs and her dogs are adorable. In the preview, it talked about how her husband got sick and they became interested in dogs as a sort of therapy while her husband was recovering. But I chose the Penpal book because I have a deadline with that. I have a month to write the review for it. The book is not long. Most of her books are not more than 120 pages. (Yes, in addition to her friend, I am also her fan, but don’t tell her that!)

I started the patch this week for menses. So far, I have been feeling no side effects and don’t even notice the patch. The temperature has dropped since the beginning of the week. We are now in the cool 50-60s. And as I said earlier, we have rain. I think it is going to rain all weekend, which might seriously affect my baseball game tonight. Heavy rain is predicted around game time. And like most of the games this season, the Angels are only coming to Fenway once so a make up game might be in the works for tomorrow. But I hate double headers. My team doesn’t do well. Last night they won in a walk-off homer by David Ortiz. I was in dreamland. Like I said before, I was not feeling good yesterday. I had woken up at 0230 in pain and didn’t go back to sleep until 0600. To say that I was pissed off at 0230 in the morning is an understatement. I was livid and that kind of kept me up more than anything. I finally got the pain under control but I still couldn’t go to sleep. Around 0530, I got hungry so had a bowl of cereal. I then fell asleep shortly after that. I hate it when I wake up in pain because you don’t know if you are going to stay up all night in pain or if taking something is going to put you back to sleep. But after I slept I was up every three hours which totally fucked up my day. I finally got some decent sleep after I talked with my therapist. I know she wanted to talk more about my date and stuff but I wasn’t going to talk about it. I just keep things to myself because I can. She doesn’t want me to kill myself. I get that but she also needs to understand that I might do it anyways. I keep thinking about how this might look from another person’s perspective and it isn’t good. I know my therapist is trying to get me to see that I am meant to live but I don’t want to live in pain anymore. Killing myself is the one thing that I have control over. The pain I don’t have control over. Even with meds, I still am in pain most of the time. I might not feel it all the time because I have gotten so used to it but it is there.

a useless therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

I had a pretty exhausting but good day. I had a little hypomania for most of the day but that seems to have dissipated now. I have not crashed yet but I know it is coming on. I am dreading it. Given that I already have suicidal tendencies in the forefront of my mind, it is going to be hard to get away from this crash, depending on how bad it is. I was euphoric for nearly a day and a half, the longest I have ever been in such a long, long time. But I think a migraine interfered with it since I have taken my migraine med I have been feeling calmer and the racing thoughts have stopped.

I am listening to the ball game because I cannot stand watching the game while Dennis Eckersley is announcing. So I am listening rather than watching. I like listening to Joe Castiglione. He has a calming radio announcers voice.

I gave my therapist the blog that I wrote the other night, before my euphoria. It is so weird that I wrote so darkly and then felt the complete opposite within 12 hours. I met with her today as I had my sister’s car. We did not go into overtime. This week I am meeting with her four times. I know that might seem excessive but given my mood swings, it will be good. My thoughts were all over the place while I was talking. I didn’t know exactly what to talk about as she didn’t do her homework of reading the Managing suicidal risk forward that I told her to. I didn’t even see the book on her desk when I came into her office so I know she didn’t read it. I forget now why I wanted her to read it other the fact Shneidman praises Dr. Jobes work. I was kind of hoping that she would pull out an SSF (suicide status form) but my mind was going a hundred directions at once. I don’t remember half of what we did talk about other than me feeling like superman. She wanted permission to talk to my psychiatrist, which I consented. I don’t know what she will say. She thought that since I was euphoric I would give up my idea of being suicidal but I was too giddy to say yes to that. Maybe I was feeling good because I know there is an end to my pain. Wouldn’t be the first time I felt ok after making the decision to end my life. But I also wonder if I felt good because the pain I have been feeling is finally gone for the time being. I did tweak my ankle today just stepped wrong while looking for something in my room. We talked about my pain meds being a factor but for it to last more than a day, I find that highly unlikely. I know the pain med might still be floating in my system but I doubt it would have lasted till now.

I tried to stay focused with the letter/blog. I know I talked about how I got four more followers to make it 190 right now. I am pretty proud of my blog. I know that I touch people with it. And I do get some bloggers that provide feedback. I got a comment today about what I am writing, whether I am trying to reach out to people and I am not. I am just writing to express my feelings. I am not writing for sympathy.

As I got to see my therapist today, I got to see my big teddy bear, Johnny. I miss him. He is just a HUGE cuddly teddy bear. I love him since the day he entered my life 12 years ago. I got him as a gift when I had my first back surgery. He is so big that he couldn’t fit in the bed with me. I had to put him in a chair next to me. I told him today that he would have to take care of my therapist when I am gone. My therapist didn’t like hearing this but I have been telling her for years this.

We did talk about my writing my book. I told her that I would just put my stuff on dropbox for my friend to publish. I then had to explain what dropbox was as my therapist is technologically inept. I really don’t think my book will ever get published. But from what I gather from writers is that you just have to keep writing in order for that to happen. I still want to get a good publisher like scholar or some kind of press but I am not sure I can ever hit the big leagues. I know there are some self publishing companies but I don’t really have the dough to make that happen. And I doubt I would make the best sellers list. I know my blog is successful but I don’t think my life will make the big leagues in the book world. Most people have gone electronic anyways.

I feel like I need another cup of Java I am so tired but I have been up since six this morning. It is now eight thirty in the evening. I just took my night time meds. But I can’t go to sleep just yet because I am listening to the game.

I am starting to feel like shit mentally. I am wondering if I should go back to the hospital but that just always gives me more problems than it is worth sometimes. I don’t really get the help that I need there, depending where I go. Mostly you are counseled by the nursing staff and they are ultimately make the decision on whether or not you can go, not the attending psychiatrist. You are lucky to see the attending more than 10 minutes. And that is not enough time to do any sort of assessment. They basically just ask you questions, are you safe, are you going to hurt yourself and if they questions are no for three days, they send you free. They don’t care what brought you in the hospital. Soon as you are in, your insurance company wants to set you free.